19. Chapter 19

The sound of a power drill pulled Carina from a fitful sleep. Her first thought was I’m going to murder my wife. Her next thought was Why did I marry someone who wakes up so early in the morning?

As she tossed back the blankets, she winced, though the feeling came with an odd sense of relief. After two weeks of hormone shots, her egg retrieval had gone very well, according to the fertility specialist. It felt like a weight had lifted, like a constant anxiety in the back of her mind was silenced.

She didn’t know what the future held. She didn’t know if she and Maya would ever want more children. But they had the option now, they had time.

And while the procedure had left her with cramps and her abdomen was still bruised from the daily injections, it was all worth it to secure a possible tomorrow.

But Carina wasn’t someone who dwelled on what could come next. She liked to live in the present and in the present, Maya was making all kinds of noise on their one day off.

Carina was intensely displeased.

She had to be a morning person, I just had to fall in love with a morning person…

The sound of the drill masked her steps, so Maya didn’t turn around when Carina appeared in the doorway of what had previously been their guest bedroom. It allowed Carina to watch Maya work and she quickly remembered why marrying a morning person was worth it.

Why marrying this particular morning person was worth it.

Maya knelt on the floor assembling a crib, her running tights emphasizing muscled thighs and the curve of her ass. She was in only a sports bra too and every time she pushed the drill, her forearms tensed. Carina very much loved Maya’s forearms.

“Bambina, fermati!” Carina crossed her arms, though it was hard to scowl as she looked around the room.

They’d chosen a light blue, something gender neutral and airy. Maya spent every moment she wasn’t at the station building furniture or dismantling items from the guest room. They had the diaper table set up, as well as a rocking chair in the corner by the window. Maya was just finishing with the crib when she turned around, concern all over her face.

“Shit! Did I wake you? Do you need a heating pad? Water?” Maya hopped up and she was suddenly standing in front of Carina, her hands fluttering from Carina’s face to her hips, as if she couldn’t decide where to set them.

“Buongiorno, my beautiful wife, how did you sleep? Oh, me? I slept okay thank you for asking,” Carina said, unable to keep the smile off her face.

Maya bit her lip and Carina found herself lost in those wide blue eyes.

“Do you like it?” Maya asked, a little unsure, and Carina softened, unable to keep any façade of annoyance.

“Maya it’s beautiful,” Carina said, taking Maya’s hand and squeezing it.

“Do you think Jamie will like it?”

Carina wondered if she’d ever not want to swoon when Maya spoke so lovingly about Jamie. It always felt like a love bomb had detonated in her brain, which left her dazed, sometimes horny, but always hopelessly in love. As if she wasn’t already hopelessly in love.

The additional hormones in her body, however, made her weepy, and Maya’s concern turned into genuine worry.

“Carina?” Maya reached for Carina’s face, brushing away a tear with her thumb.

“Scusa, scusa, it’s the hormones.”

“Estrogen attack?”

“So much estrogen,” Carina said with a watery grin. Maya instantly relaxed. She led Carina from the nursery, back into their bedroom, and Carina was surprised when Maya lay down with her on the bed.

“Sorry I woke you,” she said, “I just want everything to be ready.”

Carina understood the feeling. There was a good chance that Jamie would be able to come home within the next few days. Cormac was running a few more tests, but it wouldn’t be long before she was with them. The idea was surreal. As excited as Carina was, she was scared too.

Lying on her back, Carina stared up at the ceiling, trying to give in to the comfort of Maya beside her. She sometimes forgot that she didn’t need to do everything alone. That everyone wasn’t entirely her responsibility.

Maya turned onto her side and raised the hem of Carina’s tank top before pressing soft kisses to the bruises dotting Carina’s stomach. It was so sweet, so loving, that again Carina found herself near tears. While she was never one to shy away from emotion, she was very much looking forward to her hormone levels returning to normal.

“When they brought Andrea home, I begged to sleep in his crib with him,” Carina said, lazily stroking her fingers through Maya’s hair.

“Did they let you?”

Carina scoffed. “Never. But the minute he started crying I asked if nonna could keep him.”

“Do you think your nonna would have liked me?”

Other than a brief hello over FaceTime, Maya hadn’t had the chance to meet nonna before she died. It still pained Carina that she’d been unable to go to the funeral, that her nonna had died gasping for breath.

She shifted on the mattress, her hand never leaving the comfort of Maya’s hair.

“She would have tried to feed you. Sei tutto ossa!” Carina laughed, deciding to focus on the good memories.

Nonna had not been a tall woman, but she was strong and graceful and Carina had inherited the same eyes – dark and deep.

“I’m not all bones!” Maya said, raising herself on her elbows.

“Your Italian is good, Bambina!”

Maya blushed and returned to kissing the particularly angry mark close to Carina’s navel.

“Then she would have told me that I’m not feeding you enough,” Carina continued, “and then she would have bought a San Floriano medallion and worn it every day and prayed for your safety and called me every two weeks to check in on la mia americana.”

Maya paused, clearly deep in thought.

“I guess things are a bit complicated in the grandparent department,” she said, the frown on her face a marked change from the happy smile of moments ago.

Carina stilled her hand on top of Maya’s head.

“Sì. Would you want to call your mom and tell her about Jamie?”

Carina could almost hear Maya’s inner struggle as she watched anger and fear and sadness wash across Maya’s face.

Finally Maya shrugged and started playing with her wedding ring, spinning it over and over.

“She’s not with him anymore,” Maya said, as if trying to remind herself, “it’s just…hard for me to trust her. I get that she was abused, probably more than even I know, but as a kid she was so…distant. I understand that was Lane’s fault, I really do….”

“But twelve-year-old Maya didn’t,” Carina finished.

“What about your dad? Are you going to tell him?”

Carina groaned quietly. “I want him to know he has a nipotina, but he’ll either jump on a plane the second I tell him or he won’t care at all.”

Even thinking about the conversation exhausted Carina.

“How has he been?” Maya asked, her hand warm on Carina’s thigh.

“Ehh. Not the best.”

Carina had a network of spies made up of cousins and family friends who kept a close eye on Vincenzo. While she tried to speak to her father at least once a month, she found the discussions emotionally taxing. Their relationship was better with an ocean between them, though it pained Carina to feel that way.

“Okay, so…we may need to hire actors if Jamie wants non-problematic grandparents,” Maya said.

The idea made Carina laugh.

“You know, there was a time in my life where I would have run back to Italy to take care of my dad. Dropped everything because he was manic or he was in trouble,” Carina said, remembering how often her plans were ruined because her father needed her.

“It shouldn’t have been all on you. All on your shoulders.”

Carina knew Maya was trying to speak carefully and with respect, but Carina would always feel somewhat guarded about her father. It was the residue of her own abuse, the echo of a childhood punctuated by tragedy.

“Maybe not,” Carina sighed, “but Mama couldn’t stay in that house. And I knew she’d never leave Andrea. I was old enough to understand that.”

“You were sixteen. You should’ve been worried about prom or school…”

“Were you worried about prom or school when you were sixteen?” Carina continued playing with Maya’s hair, already knowing the answer.

“Prom? No. School…I was worried about my grades because bad grades were not tolerated.”

Carina tried not to smirk because Maya’s teenaged study habits had clearly crossed over into adulthood. Her wife was the biggest keener she’d ever met.

The happiness faded though when Carina pondered her sixteenth year. The pain of her mother leaving. The growing realization that she was alone with her father’s moods. And then at seventeen…

She shivered, forcing away the dark thoughts. Forcing away the fear that always came when she remembered what had happened to her at seventeen.

“Hey, you okay?” Maya reached for Carina’s hand and furrowed her brow.

“Having a daughter is a little scary, no?”

Maya looked pensive and then her eyes flickered to Carina’s face. They didn’t talk about Carina’s assault. Not really. Carina didn’t feel the need to open those wounds very often, even though she knew she was safe to do so with Maya. It was part of her life, it had shaped her, but it did not define her and Carina always chose to live in the light as much as she could.

But Jamie had forced them both to rethink everything. Their lives. Their relationship. Even their childhoods.

“It’s terrifying,” Maya confessed, “but…she has us, right? Forever.”

“Sì.”

“Plus she’s not leaving the house until she’s twenty-five.”

Carina laughed but shook her head. “No, no. She will be strong and independent and…”

“And I’m going to buy her a giant dog. The biggest dog.”

“Stupida,” Carina lightly bopped Maya’s nose, but she was almost bubbling with affection.

Motherhood looked far too good on Maya Bishop.

“I guess just as long as we don’t turn into our parents…”

“Well, I’m not planning to lose my temper three times a day and I don’t think you’re planning on turning Jamie into a running machine, so I think we’ll be okay?” Carina tried to speak lightly, though it was impossible to ignore the pain in her words.

They were about to be parents. Parent to an actual baby. And their role models were not exactly enviable.

Maya exhaled sharply. “We know what we’re doing…right?”

“No. Not at all.”

“Okay, good,” Maya laughed. She stretched out, content to return her lips to Carina’s bruised stomach.

“I think we just love her, Bambina. The rest?” Carina raised one shoulder and shrugged.

“Have we just destroyed our sex life for the next eighteen years?”  

The question caught Carina off guard, and she raised her head, finding Maya staring back at her, her chin resting against Carina’s hip bone.

“Nothing could ever destroy our sex life,” Carina said, running her thumb along Maya’s cheekbone.

“Oh? Not even a screaming baby or a temperamental teenager?”

“No,” Carina laughed, “I will always find you, Maya. Always.”

Carina wiggled her fingers in Maya’s face, giggling when Maya lightly caught one between her teeth.

The extraction had left Carina feeling bloated and achy, but lying next to Maya helped her forget that she’d turned her body into a pincushion for the past two weeks. She’d never expected to be a person who would worry about daycare or organic laundry detergent. She thought her life would be an adventure with all roads leading back to Vincenzo.

Instead, she was lying next to her wife. And they were about to bring home their baby. She could barely believe it sometimes.

“Are you ready?” Maya asked.

“No. You?”

“Not even close.”

Carina had never felt more at peace. She’d never felt more in love.

Because all roads led to Maya.

And Jamie.

~*~

As she stood in the elevator next to Carina, a part of Maya wondered if she was hallucinating. She wondered if she had fallen asleep or if she was in a coma in some other universe and this universe was a figment of her imagination.

Because she was about to be a mother. To a baby. An actual baby.

Maya puffed her cheeks out and exhaled.

It drew Carina’s attention and Maya was relieved to see that her wife looked equally anxious.

“Has this elevator always moved so slowly?” Maya asked, pulling at the collar of her t-shirt. She felt warm, maybe too warm.

A familiar hand found its way into her own. Maya could feel Carina’s rings against her fingers.

The fifth floor passed, and then the sixth, and when the elevator dinged, Carina startled, which oddly made Maya feel better. They were both scared and unsure and ecstatic. Maya wasn’t already failing at parenthood, Carina was just as frazzled.

If Maya was jumping out of an airplane, Carina was right there beside her.

The walk to the NICU was familiar now, but this time it felt different. Hand in hand they took the required steps, hearts beating loudly.

Nancy stood in the doorway, a file tucked under her arm, and she smiled at the sight of them.

“Hello!” She called, clearly excited, ushering the DeLuca-Bishops forward.

Maya noticed the other parents in the NICU staring at her with wistful faces. They all wanted to bring their babies home too.

This is the last time you’ll be in this room. This is the last time Jamie will be in this room. Jamie has never seen the sky in daytime. She’s never seen the sun. She’s never breathed air free from smoke. Jamie is coming home…

“We’ve got all the paperwork cleared on our end,” Nancy was saying, “the nurse will bring the discharge papers and instructions, but I’m sure you’re familiar with all that, Dr. DeLuca.”

Carina nodded and set down her bag on the rocking chair they kept near Jamie’s bed. Maya lowered the car seat she’d brought to the floor and despite her earlier worry, seeing Jamie helped her focus. Excitement seeped in.

Jamie is coming home.

“Hello, Piccolina,” Carina whispered, smiling down at the baby. Jamie turned to look at her, obviously aware of Carina’s presence.

“Can we…” Maya pointed at Jamie and then at the bag they’d brought too.

Nancy gave her a thumb’s up. “Yes, of course!”

For the first time in her short life, Jamie was free from wires and sensors. She was just a baby, lying in her bassinet, looking for all the world like the picture of health. At six pounds Jamie really looked like a baby for the first time though Maya knew that technically, she was still tiny for her age. Jamie wasn’t a newborn, but to everyone else she likely appeared that way.

Maya reached for her first, scooping her up with practiced ease.

“Have you been lifting weights, Jamie?” She asked, laughing when Jamie kicked her legs. She seemed to like kicking her legs whenever Maya or Carina spoke to her, a small acknowledgment that she was listening.

“It’s time for clothes, Jamie,” Carina said, holding up the onesie they’d brought from home. It was white and covered with tiny pizza slices, a present from Vic.

Maya laughed, lifting Jamie just enough so she could kiss the small scar on her ribs left from surgery.

“No more naked baby,” she whispered against Jamie’s forehead, before setting her down in the bassinet again.

Jamie immediately started crying, her face contorting into the saddest expression Maya had ever seen.

“Hey,” Maya cooed, “it’s okay! We just have to make sure you’re not arrested for public indecency on the way out of here.”

“Maya!” Carina chided though she did so with a huge smile. She tucked Jamie’s feet into the bottom of the onesie and proceeded to slip the rest of the material under Jamie’s tiny butt.

“You’re really good at that,” Maya watched Carina expertly grab Jamie’s hands and place them through the sleeves. She closed the snaps down the front of the onesie and then lightly clapped her hands

“Finito!”

Jamie was still crying and still waving her arms, but as soon as Carina picked her up, the tiny mewling stopped. With a quick adjustment Carina held Jamie against her shoulder, gently rubbing circles against her back.

Maya wondered if she’d ever get used to the sight of Carina with Jamie. She was not surprised that Carina was such a natural, but she was surprised by how emotional it made her feel. They were so beautiful together, Carina so happy and Jamie so content.

Nancy appeared again, obviously trying to give the DeLuca-Bishops a moment, but there was paperwork to fill out before they could leave. And they so wanted to leave.

“So, the legal guardianship has been approved, as you know,” Nancy said, opening her file, “and Simon filed the adoption petition at the same time, so that’s in process too.”

“How soon will we know if the application is accepted?” Maya asked.

While the legal guardianship was an important first step, the adoption would make Carina and Maya official parents. They both knew that the adoption could be contested at any time before it was approved and were eager to sign the papers and protect themselves and Jamie.

“We’ve started scheduling home visits. Work-place visits will likely happen in the next few weeks. You’re look at six months…right around Christmas,” Nancy explained.

Six days was too much let alone six months.

“And if someone contests the adoption?” Carina asked, the smile on her face replaced with obvious concern.

“The legal guardianship gives you a lot of protection. We can cross that bridge if necessary, but for now? Enjoy this time, I know how long you’ve been waiting.”

Maya squeezed Carina’s shoulder, hoping to lend some strength. It would be so easy to give in to fears, but she didn’t want to. Not in this moment. Not when Jamie was in Carina’s arms.

They had very few items to pack up, except for Jamie’s collection of stuffed animals. When Carina tried to place Jamie down to help Maya grab an extra blanket, Jamie squawked, those little legs moving again.

“I know, Jamie. She smells too good, right?” Maya laughed, closing her bag once all the toys were packed away.

Carina rolled her eyes. “Bambina…”

“Which one?” Maya pointed at herself and then at Jamie. It made Carina sigh.

The next challenge was getting Jamie into the carrier. Maya looked at Carina and Carina looked at Maya and they both silently wondered if Jamie was going to like her new car seat. She’d sat in one the day before to complete her car seat test, but the baby seemed especially clingy now, as if she was scared that Carina was going to walk out the door and leave her behind.

“Okay Jamie, this is state-of-the-art, NHTSA approved,” Maya said, setting the carrier on a nearby table. She moved the straps out of the way and then turned to Carina, raising an eyebrow.

Carina nodded once before slowly moving Jamie in her arms. She supported her head in one hand and used the other to support her bottom and they both held their breath as Carina placed Jamie into her seat.

As soon as Jamie was safely tucked in, Carina pulled her hands away, holding them close to her face, as if any sudden movement would trigger Jamie’s tears.

Jamie blinked and her bottom lip wobbled and before anyone knew what was happening, she started crying again, this time wheeling her arms and legs.

Carina set her hand on Jamie’s tummy, trying to comfort her.

“Shh, Picollina, va tutto bene,” she said, shooting Maya a worried look, which Maya returned because they’d yet to even leave the NICU and already Jamie was fussy.

Maya looked at the crying baby in front of her and her concerned wife and an idea came to mind.

“Give me your sweater,” Maya said, holding out her hand.

Carina turned her face from Jamie. “What?”

“Your sweater.”

Carina shrugged off her cardigan, handing it to Maya who immediately tucked it around Jamie’s little body as a blanket. Jamie sniffled once, and then again, and then she yawned and promptly fell asleep.

“First parental victory,” Maya whispered, pumping her fist. She turned, expecting to find Carina smiling happily, but instead Carina’s hand curled into the front of Maya’s shirt and yanked, forcing Maya into a passionate kiss, the type of kiss that was usually reserved for very, very private moments.

Carina pulled away almost as quickly as she’d leaned in, her cheeks red.

“Uhh…wow,” Maya said, stammering, taking a quick peek around the room to see if they’d shocked the other NICU parents. No one appeared to be paying attention to them, though one man in the corner seemed particularly intent on not looking in their direction.

“Scusa, it’s just when you…ugh…”

Maya bit her lip, feeling very smug. “What’s going to happen the first time I change her diaper?”

“You cannot say such things in public, Maya,” Carina said, still red-faced, still panting just a little. She raised both hands and made a motion that clearly said enough. Maya couldn’t stop herself from kissing Carina’s cheek before she busied herself with their bag again.

Cormac appeared not a moment later, smiling wide, clearly delighted.

“I’ve got your discharge papers,” he said, raising both hands, showing off the forms in one and a pen in the other.

Maya tried her best to listen to the instructions. She wanted to get everything right, but she also felt her attention slipping as she realized that as soon as Carina signed the last page in Cormac’s hand, they could go.

It happened quickly and not quickly enough. Carina’s neat signature freed Jamie from the NICU and with a gesture towards the door, Cormac nodded and looked on expectantly.

“Ready?” Carina asked, hoisting Jamie’s bag over one shoulder. Maya closed her hand around the carrier handle and gripped it tight.

“Ready,” she said, looking down one more time, as if to ensure that Jamie was really there.

The baby slept soundly, unaware that she was being carried away from the only home she’d ever known. Wrapped in Carina’s sweater, she was almost hidden from view, innocent and perfect and their’s.

~*~

Every moment felt surreal as Carina and Maya walked through the hospital.

They were both silent, both caught in the gravity of what they were doing, and Carina made sure to take as many back staircases and staff elevators as possible. It’s not that they didn’t want people to see Jamie, but Jamie was still very tiny and they were both feeling especially protective.

She was about to go through a big change and while cooing friends would be more than welcome, Maya and Carina felt strongly that Jamie deserved some privacy as she acclimatized to her new home and family.

Maya had installed the car seat three days earlier. She was surprised to see that it didn’t look out of place in her car, though she had a feeling Carina’s Porsche would be another story. As they approached Maya’s jeep, Maya paused.

It was a clear spring day, not a cloud in the sky, and even though Jamie was sleeping, Maya felt the need to raise the carrier until she was holding it with both arms to her chest.

“That’s the sky, Jamie,” she whispered, humming when she felt Carina’s hand squeeze the back of her neck.

An ineffable magic seemed all around them. Even as Maya drove home, every time she glanced in the rear-view mirror she found herself surprised that Jamie was really with them. Carina sat in the backseat, gazing down, the smile on her face so wide and so loving that Maya felt her chest tighten.

They were quiet as Maya parked the car. She hopped out, opening the back door to remove Jamie’s carrier again. Carina was in charge of Jamie’s bag and soon they were back in another elevator, eager to reach their destination.

“Isn’t it weird that when we left this morning, we didn’t have a baby and now we have a baby?” Maya asked, following Carina down the hallway towards their apartment.

“Yes,” Carina laughed, unlocking the door.

She didn’t step inside and neither did Maya. Instead, they looked at each other, silently acknowledging that this was it. After weeks of planning of hoping of fighting and loving and everything in between, they were about to be a family of three. At home.

Maya set Jamie’s carrier down, suddenly wanting to carry her over the threshold herself. She unclipped the straps and removed Carina’s sweater. As she slipped her hands behind Jamie’s head and back, Jamie’s eyes fluttered open, and Maya almost felt giddy. Before Jamie could cry over the loss of Carina’s sweater, Maya lifted her from the seat and settled her in the crook of one arm. She wanted Jamie to be able to see everything.

“Welcome home, Jamie,” Maya said, finally stepping into the familiar hallway. She looked at her apartment, the place she’d lived for years as if she’d never seen it before.

Carina walked in behind Maya, setting their bag on the floor.

“She’s looking at you, Bambina,” Carina said, setting her chin against Maya’s shoulder.

“Should I show her around?”

Carina pressed a quick kiss to Maya’s temple before nodding.

Maya remembered buying the condo years ago. Still flush with endorsement money from the Olympics, Lane had insisted that the apartment was a great investment. She’d have no mortgage, she wouldn’t have worry about rent, and considering the average wages of a probationary firefighter, it would likely be the last time she could afford such luxury.

In the years that followed, Maya found herself with an assortment or roommates and one-night-stands. It was a place where she kept her things, where she stored her food, and take her Wednesday night conquests for a few hours of fun before kicking them out with the sunrise.

And then came Carina with her vagina art and kitchen appliances and imported Sicilian shampoo that haunted Maya’s every waking moment in the best way. The growing pains of cohabitation quickly gave way to comfort. Despite her massive wardrobe and cheese collection, Carina cared little about how the condo was decorated. She made few changes, so used to travelling that she’d never acquired enough furniture or possessions to settle down.

But as Maya walked through the apartment with Jamie, she found herself considering the space anew. It was light and airy. The pictures on the shelves were of friends and Carina’s family. There were few of the two of them, they preferred silly selfies that they kept on their phones.

As Maya carried Jamie around every familiar corner, she thought about change. She thought about plastering the walls with images of Jamie’s face. She thought about fingerpaintings hung on the fridge with magnets. She thought about a trail of toys through the hallway and into the kitchen.

“We should get another couch,” Maya blurted, her mind already ten steps ahead.

“A replacement?” Carina was obviously confused but would never say no to a shopping opportunity.

Maya shook her head. “Instead of these chairs near the TV. We should get something comfortable…for movies…so Jamie…”

She blushed, feeling a bit sheepish until she caught sight of Carina’s face. That smiling, perfect face.

Carina stepped closer to Maya, facing her and they tipped their foreheads together, bumping noses.

“Should we show her the nursey?” Maya asked though she had no desire to move away yet.

Carina nuzzled against her, tilting her head for a small kiss. Her chest bumped into Maya’s arm and they both laughed when they heard the smallest, indignant mewl from Jamie.

“And so it begins,” Maya sighed, smiling against Carina’s lips.

Maya passed Jamie into Carina’s waiting arms, biting her lip as the angry little face Jamie made as she was jostled between them. The expression cleared as soon as she lay against Carina’s shoulder. She gurgled, her little tongue sticking out of her mouth, though her eyes stayed on Maya’s face.

“Listen, Jamie,” Maya whispered, leaning in closer, “you have to share her, okay? I’ll start the paperwork tomorrow.”

“Paperwork?”

Maya shrugged. “We share custody. Of you.”

Carina raised her eyebrow and Maya was certain that if not for Jamie’s presence, her wife would have said something obscene about body part ownership. But Jamie was present so instead Carina turned around, waiting for Maya to join her as they both walked towards Jamie’s nursery.

The guest room had been home to numerous members of Station 19 over the years. Maya had rarely thought about it as more than an extra bed for friends going through breakups or storage space for Carina’s extensive collection of couture. Now it was her favourite room in the house.

She watched from the doorway as Carina showed Jamie around the room, whispering in Italian as she pointed out the crib and the changing table. Maya let her mind wander again, wondering if Jamie’s first word was going to be in English or Italian.

Carina bounced a little as she walked, swaying Jamie as she did, and Maya could only tilt her head and give into the surreal moment.

“How is her butt so tiny?” Maya asked out loud, marvelling that she found a tiny baby butt so cute.

Carina didn’t answer. She just kissed the side of Jamie’s head and continued her tour, pointing and whispering, and welcoming Jamie home.

~*~

They spent the rest of the day somewhat shell-shocked. Jamie needed a bottle and then she needed a diaper change. She slept and woke up and slept more. And through it all, Maya and Carina found themselves looking at each other in surprise, as if they couldn’t believe any of it was real.

As the evening wore on, the emotions of the day caught up with them and instead of staying up with a glass of wine like usual, they decided to call it an early night. Maya set up a bassinet on Carina’s side of the bed, but they weren’t quite ready to end the day.

Carina set Jamie down in the middle of the mattress, and they watched the movement of her legs and arms, as if she realized she had so much space unlike her tiny incubator in the hospital. After they brushed their teeth and changed into pyjamas, Maya sat down on her side of the bed and Carina sat down on her side, and they huddled next to each other, both crossed-legged, both enchanted by the sight of Jamie yawning.

“Should we tell her?” Maya wondered out loud, turning her face towards Carina. Carina nodded, so Maya reached out with both hands and scooped Jamie up from the bed.

It was a topic they’d discussed endlessly. They’d researched and asked the social worker and even consulted with Grey-Sloan’s child psychiatrist. But the final decision had come down to how badly they both wanted the same thing. They didn’t want to confuse Jamie, but they also didn’t want to wait until Jamie was six months old. It was important for Jamie’s development that she knew who was taking care of her. That she knew what to call them both.

Jamie fit perfectly in the crook of Maya’s arm and Maya made sure she was facing Carina too. The baby was sleepy, but alert enough that her eyes fixed on Carina, as if she was waiting to hear Carina’s voice.

“Hey, Jamie?” Maya said softly, smiling when Jamie turned her head just a little, just enough to look up at her. Carina leaned in closer, resting her head on Maya’s shoulder.

“So, the beautiful lady that you’re already obsessed with? That’s mama,” Maya pointed at Carina who reached out and set her hand on Jamie’s tummy.

“And the bella donna holding you is mommy,” Carina said.

Maya had held many titles in her life.

Olympic champion

Lieutenant

Captain

Wife

But “mommy” was something new. “Mommy” was completely unexpected. She’d been terrified of it, the very idea sending her into an anxious sweat.

Except that was all before Jamie. Because when Maya looked down at Jamie, when she searched her little face, she knew without a doubt that the baby in her arms was hers.

Mommy fit just like her wedding ring fit. Perfectly. As if it had always been there.

Jamie reached up with one hand, curling her tiny fingers into Maya’s t-shirt. The feeling evoked the memory of smoke and flame, of Carina turning, an impossibly small baby in her hands. Maya could still remember how light she was, how fragile she felt. She could remember Jamie lying against her chest, only minutes old, she could remember running, Jamie tucked beneath her turnouts…

“Maya?” Carina’s hand on her shoulder pulled Maya from her thoughts.

“Do you think she knows who I am?”

The question surfaced without warning. Maya wasn’t even sure why she asked it, but love was still hard for her sometimes, allowing herself to contain such a big emotion didn’t always come naturally. She so desperately wanted Jamie to feel safe and comfortable. To know that she was loved, that she didn’t need to do anything to earn Maya’s devotion. She already had it.

Carina’s arm wrapped around Maya’s back.

“She does, Maya. She knows you and she knows your voice. Look how she watches you, she always does when you speak to her. She knows exactly who you are. You’re her home, Bambina.”

Maya so wanted it to be true. She so hoped it was.

Later, once they’d finally moved Jamie to her bassinet, Maya and Carina lay on their backs, side by side.         

“We have a baby,” Carina whispered into the dark room, her voice full of awe.

Maya exhaled, her fingers finding Carina’s on top of the quilt.

“We totally have a baby,” she said in response.

Still surprised. Forever grateful.