Chapter 39

I woke up in the morning, still sleepy but the sun hits my face so I don't have a choice but to woke up early.

"Good morning," I heard a familiar voice so I looked up and saw him, again.

"What are you doing here?" I asked coldly.

Umupo sya sa dulo ng kama at ngumiti sa akin. "I was invited. Sorry for disturbing you and showing myself to you again."

Nanatili akong walang imik. Hindi malaman kung bakit pa nya kailangang guluhin ako ulit. His face was not the same anymore. It likes the presence of him was heavier than before. Dahil ba sa ginawa nya kaya ako nakakaramdam nito? O sa kanya na mismo galing ang maraming pagbabago nya?

I still can't believe that when I look into his eyes, I always see the full of regret and pain. It was so confusing.

Mukhang napansin nya ang pananahimik ko kaya malalim syang napabuntong hininga. "I'm here to talk to you." Pag amin nya ng totoo.

To talk?

Am I ready enough to know his sides? Am I ready enough to handle this situation?

"I don't have a time to talk to you, I'm sorry." Pagkasabi ko noon ay tumayo na ako, pilit pinapakalma ang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko nang pumunta ako ng cr para mag hilamos at mag toothbrush.

Ilang minuto pa ay natapos ako dala ang maliit na towel at lumabas ng banyo. He was still there, looking down like he was in the middle of breaking down. But why?

"Krish-"

"Stop mentioning my name, we're already done for mentioning my first name." I acted normal in front of him.

Ilang segundo kaming natahimik. I'll be rude if I just shout him just to get out of my room but I stopped myself. Instead, I asked him. "Where's Azure?"

He looked up to me before looked at my finger ring. Napansin kong napatagal ang tingin nya doon kaya humalukipkip ako sa harap nya para maalis ang tingin nya doon.

"Outside, I told him that I wanted to talk to you, forcely."

Napakunot ang noo ko sa kanya. Kahit na gusto ko syang palayasin ay hindi ko magawa. Baka ito na mismo ang sinasabi ni Azure na pagkakataon para mag usap kami.

I tried to calm myself and looked at him.

Kaya ko na kayang kausapin sya na parang normal lang?

Habang tumatagal syang nandito ay mas nasasaktan lang ako. It was like a torture for me to talk to him again. Plus, marami na ang pinagbago sa kanya, not in a good condition.

"Talk." I said.

Nagliwanag ang mukha nya at nakita kong pinunasan nya ang luha nya kaya napatigil ako. "I said talk, I don't like the people who's crying in front of me." I repeat. Getting irritated because he keeps being silent and continue to cry.

I was about to lash him out when he talked. "I'm sorry."

Ilang minuto pang katahimikan nang tumingala sya sa akin, puno ng luha ang mata. "I regret everything I've done to you Krisha. I'm so sorry for everything, to make you felt like useless person and not being loved."

"I don't want to hear that, I just want your reason why you choose to leave me." Pagdidiin ko, iyon lang ang gusto kong malaman.

"Eyah blackmailed me that day when we're on the way to your house. She told me if I kept seeing you, she will definitely kill you or your brother. She was the enemy back then, I still had no position nor power to not obey her. So I kept seeing her and accompany her, even acted that I still love her. All I can do is to obey her, Krisha. Iyon ang pinaka ayokong gawin pero wala akong magawa para tanggihan sya. You know why? Because her father was the leader of my org. That org felt so useless, countless times that I was planning to call my friends but they killed me instead if I'll be useless. I don't want to die yet, I love you that I can do anything for you. But I am so sorry for everything that I had to do those to keep you safe and pretend that I couldn't care less.

I was the one who acted stranger and hide my identity so I had a chance to talk to you. I wanted so badly to explain but I was too late. I know that I'm weak but I was clueless that time. The only thing I regret is not telling you my plans. I was allowed to tell but I can't, thinking it's a trap. I'm so sorry, if there was a time machine and a strong man that time, I would like to be with you Krishiana."

All I can do is to stare at him and listen. I only realize that I was not the only one who suffer from all these years. I cried in front of him without any emotion in my face. It felt like those people kept playing with us and to destroy us.

"After that." I looked at him, still trying to talk even if it's hard for him to open it. "I searched and looked for you. I get my revenge when I got the position and title of that org. For the past 7 years, I was still searching for you and ready to explain my side Krishiana. I love you, and I'm sorry for abandoned you. Still now, you don't have a freedom to choose people who will you love after me. Shout me out, hurt me physically for hurting and leaving you clueless and alone. It's fine. Kill me instead so the pain will stop. I just want to make you safe and I'm sorry if I was too late to explain my side."

He was crying hard that he ended up seating on the floor where I was standing. I was surprised when he bend his knees, pleading in front of me.

"F** it's hard to do this but if you're the reason, I was ready to do this everyday, forgive me or not I will accept it. And promising that I'll never show my face to you again."

Hindi ako ka agad nakagalaw. Iniisip pa lang ang mga sinasabi nya ay hindi ko na alam kung anong uunahin kong intindihin. I found myself guiding him to stand again. He was crying hard that he reached me to hug me tightly.

It was so devastating for me to heard his loud cries in the whole room. "I'm sorry, don't leave me yet."

Tulala lang ako habang yakap nya ako. Realizing the things like this I was waiting. To hear him explaining his side. Pero hindi ko akalain na ganito ka sakit marinig ang mga salitang binitawan nya. Na hindi ko man lang naisip o nabasa sa emosyon nyang nahihirapan din sya.

It was so stupid to think of the past that happened already. I did not know where's Eyah and what happened of the organization.

Sa tagal kong nakatulala habang yakap nya ako. Hindi ko pa malalaman na nakatulog sya sa balikat ko kung wala pang pumasok mula sa kwarto. Israel showed himself with his serious face, he checked his friends and looked at me.

"He fell asleep, let me help you." Walang imik akong tumango at inalalayan sya kay Lexord na nakatulog na.

Sinubukan kong tanggalin ang mga kamay nyang nakayakap sa akin, bago namin sya hiniga sa kama nang maayos. I thought he will left after that but he spoke.

"It was devastating for me to saw him crying and breaking down for years." Napalingon ako sa kanya at nakita kong nakatingin sya sa kaibigan na tulog. "He's suffering from depression and anxiety. He almost killed himself, I was glad that France saw him and stopped him immediately to kill himself."

"Bakit naman nya gagawin yon? And for what?" Hindi ko na napigilan mag tanong.

"He's searching you, full of guilt in his face and regret. For the past 7 years, mas gusto na lang niyang ikulong ang sarili nya kaysa makipag usap sa amin. I didn't say this just because I was on his side, but I wanted you to know what he as doing for the past 7 years you were gone. No one's at fault, we can't change his decision anymore and his choice is to sacrifice his love for you even if it was a stupid move. But at least, that now you're here, maybe he will open up to you, only if you will give him a chance."

"If I not?" I tried to asked.

"Then you will never see him again. You're not the only girl who will love him. It's your lost. Alam ko na hindi rin madali ang pinag daanan mo, pero sana kahit na ganito ang sitwasyon nyo, piliin nyo lang na iwasan kung hindi nyo pa kayang tanggapin ang nangyari sa inyo, kaysa takbuhan at isipin ang sarili na para bang ikaw lang ang nasaktan."

That was his last words before leaving. Tinignan ko ang mukha nyang natutulog nang mahimbing. I was so numb to feel emotions. I just wish the pain will stop. Looking at him now, all I can do is to stare at him, not knowing what to do.

Hindi lang naman sya ang nasaktan, kundi pareho kami. I'm still not ready to accept him kahit pa nalaman ko na ang rason nya. For now, I just wanted to focus myself after we talk.

"What's your plan now that you heard his side?" Pumasok mula sa pinto si Azure nang marinig ko ang boses nya.

"For now, I just wanted to love myself and to be healed. Everything is hard to accept after being jailed at 7 years." Tinignan ko si Azure na nakatingin na sakin. "All I can only do is to fix our problem and after that, I'll just do it alone by myself." I almost whispered and glance the man who's sleeping beside me.

"Hindi nyo ba kayang mag heal nang magkasama?" Mahinang tanong nya matapos ang mahabang katahimikan.

Napangiti ako at inayos ang buhok nang natutulog na si Lexord. "Kung ganoon lang kadali kalimutan ang lahat, why not? But this is the reality Az, maybe we can easily forgive people who hurt us, but it takes time to be fully healed and accept that person again in your life."

"But I can see that you still love each other, you missed him right? Remember those-

"Azure," I cut him off. "Yes, or maybe I still do, but my love for him won't stop me to change my mind." I looked at him in the eye. "I don't want to continue my love for him if I still have a trauma inside me, It'll be suffocate me, my love for him was never be the same again like the old times. For now, I just wanted to be free. To reached my goal and find my freedom of my own."

I saw him sighed and reached my arms to hold it. "Fine, I understand you. But if ever that you two will never come back, are you sure that you will understand him if he ever love another woman?"

I doubt it, after he begged in front of me. Asking for his forgiveness. But if only that'll happen.

"Then I'll be the one who support him."

If ever

To be continued...