Distance and Silence

After our argument before Zaiba left for her vacation, I found myself spiraling into a haze of self-doubt and sadness. I couldn't help but question everything "Was I a bad person?" The thought clung to my mind as I trudged back to my house, the weight of the fight pressing down on my chest. I had feelings for Zaiba, and those feelings seemed to be tearing me apart.

When I finally reached home, the heaviness in my heart was unbearable. I collapsed onto my bed, the overwhelming sadness consuming me as tears began to fall. I put on some music, hoping it might drown out the endless loop of thoughts in my mind, but it didn't help. I cried harder, imagining how happy Zaiba must be on her trip laughing, smiling, and being carefree, just like she was with Anas. It only made everything worse.

Days passed in a blur.

A week later, I found out Zaiba had returned home, but I hadn't even noticed. I was too wrapped up in my own misery to realize. The fight had broken me in ways I didn't expect. My appetite had disappeared, and I felt disconnected from everything. It was as if nothing felt right anymore.

Then one afternoon, my phone rang, interrupting the silence that had surrounded me for days. It was Zaiba's mom. Her sweet voice greeted me as I picked up the call, and I tried my best to sound cheerful, though I was far from it.

"Auntie, it's so nice to hear from you," I said, forcing a fake happiness into my voice.

She told me they had returned from their trip and that they had brought me a souvenir. She even invited me to visit whenever I was free. I thanked her, pretending to be excited, but I was filled with anxiety.

Then she added, "Zaiba wanted to talk to you."

Hearing those words, my heart raced with a mix of emotions nervousness, guilt, and fear. I didn't want to talk to Zaiba. I couldn't. The anxiety gripped me so tightly that I quickly made an excuse and told Auntie goodbye, hanging up the phone before I could lose control of the situation.

Zaiba's mom must have been shocked by my abruptness, and Zaiba knowing her must have been sad too. I could imagine her disappointment, her wanting to make things right between us, but I just couldn't bring myself to face her. I couldn't bear the thought of things being awkward, of ruining everything further.

As I lay there, staring at the ceiling, I knew I had to make a decision. School was starting again soon, and I couldn't afford to carry this weight forever. I thought of pushing it all aside, burying my feelings for Zaiba and focusing on my studies instead. She seemed happy with Anas, after all. Maybe I was just a burden in her life, an unnecessary attachment she didn't need. Maybe distancing myself was the best thing I could do for both of us.

And so, I made a promise to myself: I would focus on school, work hard, and try to move on. No more overthinking. No more letting my emotions cloud everything. It wasn't going to be easy, but I had to try. Life never goes as we plan, and I needed to accept that.

The First Day Back at School

The morning was fine and bright, but there was a heaviness in my chest as I got ready for school. I knew I would see Zaiba again. I tried to mentally prepare myself for it, reminding myself of my promise. I had to stay focused on my studies. I couldn't let myself get caught up in the emotional mess that had consumed me for weeks.

When I arrived at school, the usual hustle and bustle of students filled the corridors. As I made my way toward my classroom, I noticed Anas and his group standing around, laughing and talking loudly. I ignored them, refusing to let my thoughts dwell on them. I was here for one reason to focus on myself.

When I walked into class, my heart did a little flip. There was Zaiba, sitting at her desk, unpacking her things. For a moment, my instinct was to greet her like I always had, to talk to her like nothing had happened. But I stopped myself. I had to stick to my decision. I went to my friends, sat down, and pretended like everything was fine.

Zaiba noticed. I could see the sadness in her eyes, the confusion and hurt. She had been hoping I'd come to her. I could feel it. But I stayed distant, convincing myself that this was the right thing to do. I had to protect myself.

Zaiba seemed to muster up some courage and started to walk toward me, but before she could reach me, the teacher entered the room. We were all instructed to sit down, and Zaiba had no choice but to return to her seat. I glanced at her from across the room, seeing the sadness settle in her posture. My heart ached. I wanted to make her feel better, to talk to her and apologize. But I couldn't. I wouldn't let myself break.

The Breaking Point

As the class went on, I found myself unable to focus. The weight of Zaiba's sadness pressed on me, and I knew I had to do something. During the break hour, I made up my mind. I'd go talk to her. I'd apologize for everything, for the fight, for not speaking to her earlier. Maybe we could fix things.

I got up, determined, and made my way toward her. But before I could reach her, I saw Anas walk up to her, holding his notebook. He hadn't done his homework and was asking her for help. I froze. Seeing them together, laughing and talking, made the old feelings of frustration and jealousy bubble back up. I turned around and walked away. I couldn't do it. I couldn't talk to her with Anas always there. Maybe I'd made the right choice after all by staying away.

The Final Blow

Later in the day, we had a long break, an hour of free time before the next classes. I was sitting in my seat, eating my lunch, when I noticed Zaiba watching me from across the room. She seemed like she was trying to gather the courage to come over. I was waiting for her, hoping this time we could talk.

But just as Zaiba started walking toward me, Amina, a girl from our class, came rushing over, pushing past Zaiba and standing in front of me. "Affan, can I see your homework?" she asked.

Zaiba hesitated, standing just a few feet away as Amina interrupted our moment. I handed over my homework, thinking Amina would take it and leave, but she didn't. Instead, she sat down next to me and asked me to explain how I did the work. As we talked, we laughed about a few things, and soon enough, it felt like we were just having a friendly conversation.

I glanced up at one point and saw Zaiba standing there, looking at us. Her expression had changed her face was tense, her eyes filled with something I hadn't seen before. Jealousy. Anger. She was hurt, and it was clear as day. But instead of coming over, she turned around and walked away.

For a moment, I felt satisfied. Maybe Zaiba would understand how it felt to be sidelined, to watch someone else take your place. But as the moments passed, a deeper sadness settled in. This wasn't the way I wanted things to be. It wasn't supposed to feel like this.

As Amina continued talking to me, explaining how she didn't understand part of the homework, I could hardly focus on her words. My mind kept drifting back to the way Zaiba had looked at us before walking away her shoulders tense, her steps slow and reluctant. I couldn't help but feel the impact of her retreat.

The small satisfaction I had felt earlier, seeing her jealous for once, had faded quickly. Now, it was replaced by an uncomfortable guilt. I hadn't meant for things to go this way. I didn't want to hurt her, but at the same time, I didn't know how to fix the mess we had found ourselves in. I kept trying to distance myself, telling myself that it was the right choice, that I needed to focus on other things. But all I really wanted was for things to go back to the way they were. And now, every interaction felt like walking on shattered glass.

"Affan? Are you listening?" Amina's voice pulled me out of my thoughts.

"Uh, yeah, sorry," I mumbled, looking down at my notebook but not really seeing it.

Amina frowned slightly. "You're distracted. Are you okay?"

I forced a smile, one I had been giving too often lately. "Yeah, just… a lot on my mind."

She studied me for a moment but didn't push further. After a few more minutes, she thanked me for the help and left, but the conversation barely registered. My eyes kept wandering to where Zaiba had been sitting. She was gone.

As the break hour dragged on, I couldn't stop thinking about her. I knew I had to do something, but I didn't know where to start. Apologizing now felt… too late. The distance between us seemed to be growing bigger every day, and I didn't know how to bridge it. My thoughts were a jumbled mess, filled with conflicting emotions guilt, frustration, longing, and a lingering sense of regret for how things had spiraled so far out of control.

By the time classes resumed, my mind was elsewhere. I barely paid attention to the lessons, my thoughts consumed by Zaiba. She hadn't come back to the classroom after Amina interrupted us, and I wondered where she had gone. The hours passed slowly, the weight of everything pressing down on me until the final bell rang.

When the day finally ended, I gathered my things and hesitated before leaving the classroom. Part of me hoped Zaiba would come back, that we could have one last conversation before the day ended. But she didn't.

I walked out of the classroom, my heart heavy with the same unresolved tension that had been following me for weeks. As I made my way through the school corridors, I spotted Zaiba near the entrance, talking to one of her friends. She looked distracted, her eyes scanning the crowd like she was searching for someone.maybe me.

I thought about approaching her, about trying to start the conversation we had both been avoiding for so long. But before I could take a step forward, Anas appeared beside her. He said something to her, and she smiled, but it was a faint smile, one that didn't reach her eyes.

I froze, the same familiar frustration bubbling up inside me. How could I talk to her when he was always there? It was like a constant reminder of everything that had changed. A reminder of how much further we had drifted apart.

Without thinking, I turned and walked away, heading for the school gate. I couldn't do it. Not today.

That evening, I sat on my bed, staring at my phone. Zaiba's number was right there. I could just text her, ask her to talk, apologize for everything. But the longer I stared at the screen, the harder it became to find the words.

What if she didn't want to hear from me? What if things were already too broken to fix?

I sighed, tossing my phone onto the bed. My head was a mess, my heart even more so. Every time I thought I had the courage to face this, something held me back. Maybe I was scared scared that if I reached out and it didn't go the way I hoped, there would be no going back.

As the night wore on, I lay in bed, unable to sleep. The thoughts swirled around in my mind Zaiba, Anas, school, the endless uncertainty. I didn't know what to do anymore. Everything felt wrong, and I didn't know how to make it right.

The next morning, I dragged myself to school, feeling more exhausted than ever. I had barely slept, and the weight of the previous day still hung over me like a dark cloud. I had hoped that by now, I'd have some clarity, some idea of how to fix things with Zaiba. But all I felt was the same confusion, the same tangled mess of emotions.

When I reached my classroom, I saw Zaiba sitting in her usual spot, her head down as she scribbled in her notebook. I wanted to talk to her. I *needed* to talk to her. But as I stood there, frozen in place, the bell rang, and students began to fill the room.

I sighed, turning away and heading to my seat. Maybe today wasn't the day. Maybe tomorrow. Or maybe… maybe I was running out of chances.

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To be continued in Chapter 15...