Interesting concept, vibrantly unique and darkly morbid at the same time. I do have to ask--is the first "information" chapter really necessary? Is there no other way you could incorporate this into the story? Because it's basically a massive infodump :/
Writing Quality
Grammar is pretty good--readable compared to some of the novels you see on Webnovel. However, there are many things such as:
-Extra words. For example, usage of 'then' when it's not needed. This continued onto certain sentences sounding like it was paraphrased from other phrases in the same paragraph. Once you've established a setting(time, place whatevs), there's no need to refer back to it again and again unless if something changes.
-Poorly worded sentences. Grammatically, they're correct the majority of the time. But, some sentences are worded so that they either include extra words or interrupt the flow of the word, distracting the reader from full immersion into the novel.
-Over describing certain qualities. There's no need to state out exactly everything a character is doing/thinking; no need to state out their motives. Let the reader think a little, shall we? This is a classic example of telling, and not showing. I get this is a little hard in first person, but there's no need to spell out everything a character is doing. This takes out the mystery and thinking aspect of the novel, and makes it sound dull. Also, sometimes when you're describing stuff like movements and it's not important, try to make it as simple as possible.
For example:
He stood from the chair and walked across the floor to the window.
Kind of a mouthful, right? Even, a little bit bland?
Now, look at this sentence.
He stood and walked to the window.
Fast, saves the reader time. If you want to add emotion, changed the verbs!
He rose and hurried to the window.
Of course, this is when the movement needs to be simple. Always have both descriptive and plain!
-A few grammar mistakes, and some spacing errors(remember to start a new line for every time, topic, place, person). Also, one error I picked up on frequently was no question marks for questions, making dialogue sound flat and bland(but this could be just how they talk? either way, it sounds a little strange)
But!! Here's the nice things I found about it
-I like the usage of first person perspective! It's very hard to find on WN, and it allows you to use techniques that can allow the reader to directly see how a character's mind works.
-Vivid description at certain points in times; especially when it came to describing magic. I could see it in my mind!
Stability
Not daily updates, but the author has stated and stuck to their update schedule so far.
Story Development
The pacing is pretty nice, but it feels like the story doesn't know where it wants to go. There's some foreshadowing, but not a lot, and we don't really know which direction the story is going. But very nice portrayals of emotions and character development so far. Not too much has really happened other than MC and her Queen status fiasco, so I can't really say much.
Character Design
MC-I do not know her name. *shrugs*
[TRIGGER WARNING - suicide, self-harm]
This makes her forgettable, but enough about that. Let's move onto her personality. She's broken, and very conflicted. She pushes people away and makes rash decisions, which makes sense because of her past. But it feels like a very large part of her is her suicidal tendencies and cutting. It would be nice to see a part of her that isn't linked to her mental disorder, but mental disorders do swallow a person whole. (So in the end, realistically, this kind of makes sense. But to a reader, they aren't the best character to sympathise/connect with. Kudos to the realism though. It passes the 4P test.)
Walter- Props to this character though. If he is what I'm thinking of, then that's very good foreshadowing right there, and even more angst.
Raymond- It's so hard to talk about Raymond since I've read the Wattpad version of this and the picture of Ray is Arthur from F/GO(white rose!!!) and I love Arthur so YeahTM. But, in this story, he's a dicchead(for now). He's very mysterious. Very nice.
Those are the main characters I can remember off the top of my head.
World Background
Hm. I feel like there isn't a lot of worldbuilding. Established: magic exists, and apparently, technology also exists. How advanced is the technology? What do buildings look like? What does the school look like?
In the school, how big is it? What happens when someone's rank rises higher than their Master's rank if they're a servant? Can people be forced into becoming a servant for others? Does the school do anything to prevent this? Are there wards around the school?
For example, Hogwarts has a ward that doesn't allow anyone to teleport in or out of the school grounds. Does this school do the same?
Brooms. What makes a good broom? Where are they stored?
Magic. Is there a system? How do you know who's stronger? What happened if someone was good at application but bad at written? What would their rank look like? Is there like tiers of magic? Does magic come from within the wizard or is it from the world around them? Or, is it something similar to Harry Potter?
What are the limits of this magic? Can anything be created? Do people test for a specifc element, or can they choose any? With magic, does that mean there are other races/species? With magic, how is the difference in food production between this world and our world? Is it faster? How deeply does magic affect a normal citizen's life?
These are all questions you might not have to answer within a novel, but it is hella good for understanding how a world works. Once you have a fully built word, it's easier to avoid OP magic/plot holes/confusion.
But, then again, this is only the beginning of the story. At the start, an author has to choose two out of these three things to build: characterization, plot, world-building. You're inevitably going to sacrifice one or the other at some point in the start.
TL;DR
Great concept, weirdly presented. Can be easily fixed, and different to the majority of novels out here. 100% going to keep up with this novel. I hope you can improve with your writing endeavors! I look forward to seeing the later chapters. Maybe look into getting a proofreader/editor?
