Shadows of Loss

Grief shared is grief halved.

Shadows of Loss

I woke up in a bed, but it didn't feel familiar at all — it was the first time I'd seen a real, canopy bed. When I saw the masked elf next to the bed, I realized I was dreaming again. The elf glanced up at me with her button eyes, and her tiny lips curled into a small smile. In a language I could not understand, she began to explain something in a high-pitched voice.

"I don't understand," I said.

The elf scowled, but then looked up at me and repeated what she had said.

"What?" my eyes widened.

"She wanted to ask if you were all right," translated Lordling.

Even though he didn't tell me his name, I had to call him somehow. In my mind, I started calling the kid Mini Majesty, Pocket Ruler, or simply Lordling, as he was very small compared to me and the master of the place I had recently come to in my dreams.

"Erm," I turned to the elf, "Yes, I'm fine."

The tiny girl smiled and nodded and helped me sit up in bed. There were a few elves still hustling around the room aside from her, and it was only now that I got a better look at them that I realized how different they were. For example, the elf who addressed me must have been female, as she had hair — the males all looked bald.

Another elf was holding Lordling's large tray, from which the boy occasionally took a piece of fruit. Another creature, who seemed rather grumpy, was pulling up the blinds to let in the reddish moonlight — that's when I realized it was much brighter here at night than during the day. I mean, what do you expect from a jet-black sun?

"What happened?" I asked the king of the elves.

"You fainted," he declared, "Then I thought you might like to enjoy my hospitality."

The Little Lord of this word was sitting on the table, legs crossed, grinning superiorly at me. He wanted something. He wanted something very much.

"What is it you want from me?" I asked.

"I see I can't fool you," he said. "I was bored, I'm not having any fun here."

I didn't say anything but got out from under the duvet.

"Why did I faint?" I wondered aloud, "I don't remember..."

"Because you were exhausted, of course," replied Lordling.

"Oh, that's it?" I said, "Well, that sucks, I've done almost nothing."

"No, your case is special," Lordling shook his head, "Your body is half human, don't forget this! Although you heal quickly, you are injured as easily as an ordinary human. Your bones will shatter easily, your muscles will tear if you try to exert more force than your body can handle. A monster's strength is like that — if you use too much of it, it will wear your body out."

"But I've hardly used it," I protested.

The Tiny Lord shrugged his shoulders, then spoke after only a few moments.

"Your body temperature rose to a terrifying high and your heartbeat was so fast that it almost stopped. You almost died, just from that much."

"What?" my eyes widened.

"Why do you think you fainted?" he asked gloomily, "Though you hear other people's heartbeats, you never listen to your own. The beats were so violent, it's a wonder you survived."

"So I'm not dead, am I?", I deduced.

He grinned. "Not yet."

"Good," I nodded.

"Although you still have to learn to control your powers, this was an important step on the right path," Lordling said. "Well, how are you feeling?"

"I'm quite fine, I think," I replied.

"Then would you like something to drink?" he asked, jumping off the table.

Now that he mentioned it, I was feeling very thirsty.

He smiled. "Follow me."

The Little Lord's movements were graceful, yet terribly measured and cold — he was a true master of his realm, even in his movements. He led me out of the room where I had woken up, and a few corridors away we came to a balcony — although that balcony was bigger than my room at home.

A round glass table was standing there, and two cups had been prepared on it. In the center, I discovered a bouquet of transparent flowers in a crystal vase. Where did he get these flowers?

My favourite tiny lord took one chair and I took the other. It was very odd that the colours in this place seemed pale, everything was bright and almost white — it hurt my eyes terribly at first. In contrast, the moon disk glowed blood red at the top of the sky, staining the white stuff a slight orangey-gold hue. The clouds now looked black, the sky pale — could such a thing really exist?

"Beautiful, isn't it?" said Lordling.

I thought it was rather grotesque, but I didn't share that with the little lord.

"Unusual," I said instead.

"Indeed, when I first came here, I thought so too," he nodded, "But since then I've learned to see the beauty in oddness."

"So you weren't born here?" I was shocked.

"Oh, no," he shook his head, "I'm from where you are. But that was hundreds of years ago, even by your reckoning."

"And by your time?", I asked.

"Well, a thousand years must have passed since then."

Then more elves appeared. The first appeared to be a girl, her hair in ponytails on both sides. She was carrying a bowl of sweets to place on the table. The tiny elf bowed and left.

Another tiny thing pushed a tiny cart with two oversized metal cans on it. She then took the first jug and began to pour the black juice into Lordling's cup. As soon as she had filled it, she put down the coffee pot and bowed low to his sovereign.

Lordling didn't even turn to her, he simply sipped his black juice. After that, the elf served me the second pot, and I was served hot cocoa. I nodded my thanks, and the elf bowed deeply, placed a sugar bowl on the table, and left.

"Tell me, this place..." I started.

"Yes," nodded Lordling, "But you figured that out from the start, didn't you?"

"But what am I doing here?" I asked.

"I told you," he said, "I'm bored."

"Are you a necromancer?" I asked, confused.

He shook his head. "I'd rather say I was a magician."

"I'll show you something," he added, and then he took the sugar bowl, and sprinkled some of the sweet granules into his palm, and covered them from me with his other palm.

When he showed me again, a crystal rosebud began to grow and then bloom in his hand. I watched the magic with round eyes. Then Lordling broke off a petal from the rose and put it in his mouth. He held the rose out to me, and I took a petal and put it on my tongue.

"Sweet," I noted the obvious.

Lordling then placed the sugar blossom on the tray.

"But how did you get here?" I inquired.

"Well, it's an awfully old story," he replied.

"Will you tell me?" I asked.

He looked at me with a serious look for a moment, then grinned. "Why not?"

"You know, they used to dislike mages, and of course, they targeted them — well, me mostly," he explained, "They made an alliance with a necromancer who locked me up."

"But, I'm not complaining," he leaned back in his chair. "After all, in this world, I'm like a king. Could anyone wish for a more pleasant prison?"

"And these elves," I questioned him, "did you create them?"

"Oh no," he shook his head, "they were here before me. I think you've heard of them. They are the so-called Wraith. The inhabitants of this world."

I was shocked. This was not at all how I had imagined the owners of the invisible arms.

"They're quite peaceful creatures," Lordling continued, "But if a gate is opened, they go wild and start to run amok. They want to get out of this place for some reason," he sighed deeply, "Even I can't command them then."

"I've heard that anyone who is dragged in here becomes a Wraith..." I said, but in the end, I couldn't bring myself to ask the question.

There was no need. Lordling had guessed my thoughts.

"You wonder why I didn't turn into a Wraith?" he said and then sipped his black juice. "Well, to be honest, I did turn into a Wraith."

"What?"

No matter how I looked at it, Lordling didn't look like an elf... except for the mask, of course.

"I simply changed my shape with a little magic," he shrugged. "It's more comfortable this way."

I swallowed hard.

"You're wondering if you'll turn into a Wraith, aren't you?' he guessed my thoughts again. "The answer is no."

"Are you sure?" I asked him.

I didn't want to become a little bald elf and serve Lordling for the rest of my life — or who knows how long. I really, really didn't like the prospect.

"Yes, I'm sure," he nodded.

I sipped the rest of my cocoa. I felt a little calmer, I think.

"It's about time for you to go," he said, "They're waiting for you."

I nodded.

The tiny lord of the Wraith grinned. "See you next time."

As soon as he said those words, my eyes almost popped open and I gasped for air. The first thing I saw was Rolo's teary eyes, the kid was throwing himself at me as if determined that he was going to squeeze the air out of me. Alex's face reflected indescribable relief, and Des decided to jump on me too. I thought I was going to be crushed.

"What are you doing, guys?" I whimpered and tried to get rid of the excess weight.

Des couldn't stop voicing how worried he was, and Rolo just sniffled and showed no inclination to let go.

"Can someone explain what's going on?" I frowned.

This someone was Alice. "We thought we were going to lose you, Shay."

"Oh," I groaned.

I remembered now.

"How long had it been?" I asked.

"Three days," Alice replied with ruthless honesty.

"What?" I was shocked.

My visit to Mirrorworld had felt like a few minutes. 

"Is Encsi awake yet?" I asked, deflecting the situation.

"Yes," Alex smiled a little weakly. "She's resting in the other room."

I stood up — at least I tried to and scraped the kid off me.

"What are you doing?" he said to me, "You can't get up yet!

"Come on," I smiled. "You know I'll be fine in no time."

Even though I said that, after almost every move I made, every muscle in my body was screaming to stay still — of course, they didn't need to know that. Rolo finally gave me a grunt and let me go.

I walked into the next room where she was sleeping.

"Hey!" I started, but she showed no sign of waking up.

"Hey!" I said louder now, "Wake up!"

Encsi's face twitched and she opened her eyes wide. When she saw me, she sat up in bed, shocked, and tried to get as far away from me as possible.

"You..." she filtered out between his teeth, hostile.

"A worthy welcome for your rescuer, I must say," I remarked, "Now tell me, what happened?"

Encsi looked at Alex, who nodded.

"Our pack..." she started, but her voice trailed off, "was destroyed."

"The alphas?" I asked quickly, but she shook her head.

"The mages who were chasing us finally caught us," she said, "I was the only survivor. Viktor chose me as his companion instead of Alex, and he was an alpha, so I couldn't disobey his orders... When everyone had died and he was on the verge of death, his last order was for me to escape... and I did!" she sobbed.

"What happened after that?"

She looked up at me.

"The alphas found me. They knew exactly who I was," she replied.

"Now rest," I ordered her, then added quietly, "You can stay as long as you need."

Encsi was surprised, but in the end, she only nodded slightly.

(...)

Later I briefly visited Ábel and fed my blood to him. I still hoped that it helped.

"Everything is grey and empty without you," I said to the cold gravestone. "I also feel empty and grey inside."

The only time when this numbness fills up is when the monster awakens. He doesn't feel pain or grief. He only knows desire and hunger.

"Sorry, I couldn't visit you sooner," I apologized. "Stuff happened."

I lit a cigarette and took a deep drag.

"I wish you were here," I confessed. "Sometimes I just want to... I don't even know what I want."

I pursed my lips into a sharp line. "I didn't come here to complain to you. I've got you some flowers."

I couldn't bear the silence. "I got Ábel some too. You know, I think it would be nice if he saw those first when he woke up. They are not so fancy as Lordling's sugar roses but pretty enough."

Silence again.

"I miss you so much."

I thought that would be the moment when tears would fall uncontrollably and wouldn't stop for a long time. But my cheeks remained dry and the tears did not come no matter how much I craved release.

I don't know how long I sat there in silence before Coffee arrived. She sat down next to me.

"You feel cold," she said even though our bodies did not touch.

I didn't answer.

"I miss her too."

I didn't answer that either.

Coffee was no good at comforting others, so she stopped trying. Instead, she silently handed me a box. I stared at the food for a moment, as if unable to believe what I was seeing.

"What is this?"

"Pancakes."

"For me?"

"Yes."

She gave me a fork as well and I stared at the bandaids on her fingers.

"I didn't know you could cook," I remarked instead of thanking her.

"Because I can't," Coffee replied. "But Johi always wanted to teach me. Now I regret I didn't learn it with her."

I mumbled something that couldn't be called a response.

"When I cook, I think about her a lot," she admitted. "At those times I feel a little like it never happened."

Everyone copes differently. But I don't know how I'm supposed to.

"Eat," she said quietly. "You look bad."

I smiled wryly. I opened the box, stuck the fork into the sliced pancake, and raised it to my mouth. I chewed and swallowed, making sure my face remained expressionless. How the hell had she managed to turn an otherwise normal-looking pancake bitter?

"How is it?" she asked.

"Good," I replied tersely, then decided I needed to add a few more words. "It could do with a little more sugar, though."

Coffee nodded as if she'd noted my comment, then dropped her head to her knees and just watched me slowly eat the pancakes.

Maybe that was when I really understood why Coffee always ate the pancakes Joe made for her. I didn't have the heart to say it tasted like shit either.

We sat in silence for a while. She was lost in thought, and I was eating the shit-tasting pancakes.

"Feeling better?" she asked when I finished.

"Yeah."

Well, I just couldn't say that I probably got food poisoning.

"I'm glad."

"Hm."

"I care about you too, Shay," she added. "So take better care of yourself."

I looked at the vampire girl with eyes so round I thought they might fall out of place.

"You too," I finally said, because Coffee had dark circles under her eyes and I hadn't missed the fact that she had lost a lot of weight.

She nodded.