Gil-kun and the Other Red Saber

"So my dear Saber is a man? Oh, this is... this is... fine... yeah, it's fine..."

"Are you retarded?"

"Quiet, Salter, now is not the right time..."

"My father isn't a biological man, you stalker."

"She's not?"

"No, no. I... I don't actually know how he is my father, but I'm sure of it."

"How nice, even in another timeline, you're still a moron, Mordred."

"Who the hell are you and how do you know me?"

"I'm your father."

"You're not my father!"

"You idiot, can't you see I look exactly like her physically? I'm your father from another timeline."

"So you are not my father, you are the father of the other Mordred!"

"Oh my God, this brings up awful memories... where did I go wrong, it must have been your mother's genes."

"Don't bring up that witch!"

"You mean that bitch!"

"I can totally tell you are not my father! My king would never speak in such a way!"

"Cry me a river. My Mordred would never speak so out of line to her own parent."

"What about you?"

"Umu?"

"Are you also another version of my father? You look exactly like him."

"Umu umu umu umu umu."

"What?"

"Sorry, high sugar levels. I was saying that I get that a lot, but I don't think I am related to Salty or any other version of her in any way."

"Oh, ok. Coincidence, then."

"Yep. I'm Nero."

"As in..."

"The Roman Emperor, yes."

"And who's this goofy weirdo?"

"Gilgamesh."

"What the hell is he doing?"

"I think he's trying to have a sad moment but is so not used to being sad that he doesn't actually know how to show it."

"What kind of feeling is that supposed to be?"

"I don't expect you to understand, Mordred. I stopped expecting anything from you the day you tried making rock soup."

"You'll speak to me with more respect, not-my-father!"

"I'll do it when you earn it, not-my-son-thank-goodness-gracious."

"... wait, when you say Gilgamesh, you mean the first hero? The King of Heroes?"

"Well, he does call himself that way."

"That man..."

"Yes."

"That's the strongest Heroic Spirit?"

"Well, I suppose that's debatable, but yes, that's him."

"... may I ask why he is like this?"

"I think it's your father's fault."

"?"

"He's searching for her."

Immediately, Gilgamesh felt something sharp touch his neck. He turned around slightly and noticed it was the blade of Mordred.

"What business do you have with my father? Do you seek to harm him?"

"Mmm? Harm... Saber? No, no, of course not... at least, that's not my intention, no... I want to marry her and make her queen of the world!"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"... what?"

"That's... utterly... ridiculous."

"Huh?"

"What makes you think my father would accept such a proposal?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? She's in love with me!"

"So you are a liar apart from a moron."

"You'll be a corpse in an instant if you don't move that sword away, not-my-son."

"Guys, guys, how about... we sit down somewhere else, have a hot chocolate, calm our nerves, and figure everything out?"

"... fine, I suppose I am at a disadvantage after all."

They climbed down the mountain as Nero collected some candy for herself and others.

Gilgamesh, who had slightly bounced back from his gloomy state and was feeling more insulted than anything, gave everyone a cup of hot chocolate and they sat down in golden chairs in a field not far away.

"So you want to marry my father... I must admit that it feels strange to even think of my father getting married to a man."

"Personally, I couldn't care less whether you believe it or not, but Saber is totally head over heels for me!"

"I find that very unlikely, but I can accept such an explanation. The important thing is that you're trying to find my father, correct?"

"Precisely."

"And what happened to you up until now?"

"*long story recap nobody wants to read*"

"So that's who changed the landscape completely! I was relieved that the mountain of candy was still there."

"Me too!"

"And I'm glad you fixed that village with those weirdos!"

"We sure did!"

"And that that penguin found its way home!"

"He sure did!"

"And that you freed those dudes I have never met."

"She sure did, now, can we stop this?"

"I was just trying to be nice... but now I can see that the rumours about you are founded, King of Heroes."

"But of course, I always meet and exceed people's expectations..."

"You are just as powerful as they say... and arrogant."

"Hmph, that sure is ironic coming from the mouth of the traitorous daughter of-"

"Call me that one more time and I'll gut you."

"What? A traitor?"

"No, a woman."

"But isn't that what you are-"

"Shut up!"

"Hey, everybody relax! Goldie, don't start fights for no reason, and Mordry, keep your aggressiveness in check."

"I will agree to refer to not comment on your gender for the time being."

"That's acceptable. I'll agree to those conditions."

"In any case, I find it rich that the Destroyer of Camelot would critique anyone's pride. Wait a second... what do you want from my Saber? What are your intentions?"

"My intentions? Well... ehm..."

"I knew it! You want to kill her again! You little vermin! I will personally cut you down before you can even visualize hurting my beloved Saber, that's a promise!"

"Can everybody stop rushing to conclusions? Hey Nero, pass me some gum, please."

"Here you go, Salty."

"Mmm, gummy burgers..."

"You are mistaken, King of Heroes. I do not wish to harm my father anymore. No, quite the opposite... I want to confront him, but not physically, just verbally. In short... I want to talk to him. Try to clarify things with him. Perhaps... earn his forgiveness and his apology..."

"Wow, would you look at that... that's the most articulate sentence I have ever heard you speak, Mordred."

"Shut up!"

"No really, it's truly awesome that you are trying to resolve your daddy issues."

"I don't have daddy issues!"

"Yeah, sure. You are as issueless as Lucifer himself..."

"Screw you! I'm glad you are not my father, I could never make peace with a cunt like you!"

"That's why you were my foot-licker!"

"That's enough! I have heard enough. Saber's offspring, do you have any way to track and find Saber?"

"Well, yes, my sword is naturally drawn to my father whenever we coexist, so I can use it as a sort of compass to navigate this world. That's what I was doing, together with a couple of friends, but then we split off because I wanted to visit the mountain of candy."

"What a shocker..."

"Salter, shut up. Very well, mongrel. You have got yourself a deal. We take you in and in exchange, you bring us to Saber. Sounds fair?"

"Yeah, sounds good."

"Wait, shouldn't you consult us first?"

"Why should a king consult his servants when he doesn't deem it necessary? Who rules the reign? Them or him? I have taken my decision, the right decision, and that's all there is to it."

"... asshole."

"Welcome to the team, Mordry! We are going to have a lot of fun together."

"I'm not here to make fun, I'm here to achieve my goals. Although I must admit that fun is certainly something I find hard to live without every once in a while."

"Now that we have established the terms of our agreement, let's not waste any more time, and go-"

"Can we go back to Mount Candy for a bit?"

"Yes, please. That was awesome!"

"Of course not-"

"Let's go there. I want more gummy burgers."

"... I... hate... my... life... please Saber... come pick me up... I'm exhausted..."

"Quit your whining!"

"Don't bring the mood down, dude!"

"Let's all be cheerful, umu!"

"... maybe you're right... actually, no, fuck you. I hate you. Let's just get this over with..."