Fragments of Light Enter the Eyes

"Why do you still try?" asked the little boy playing an extra in the movie.

He was sitting down with an old man in his sixties. Both of them played extras; the only difference was that the little boy had a few lines while the old man had none.

"You said you've been acting for over forty years, right?" asked the boy, wanting confirmation.

The old man nodded his head.

"Why do you keep taking these small roles, knowing that you'll never have your breakthrough? Wouldn't time be better spent elsewhere?"

The old man thought about it for a while before a smile slowly appeared on his face. 

"That's because I love acting," he answered. "It doesn't matter what role I get. Although for once in my life, I'd like a role that had at least a name," he chuckled. 

He looked off at the scene being shot currently. The male lead was playing a detective and in a few seconds, he was about to kick the door open.

"I dream every day of being in their shoes. I-I imagine myself playing their role and my heart flutters in excitement... false excitement," he sighed.

"How could you possibly love acting this much?" the boy asked, tilting his head as though he couldn't see where the old man was coming from.

It was one thing to be mildly successful to keep you motivated but the old man was the epitome of a failure. Despite that, he continued taking on roles and acting his heart out, even if he was nothing more than an extra in a crowd.

"Acting is my escape. When I was younger, around your age... my family was extremely poor. We didn't have much to eat and some nights, we'd go to sleep with empty stomachs."

The old man began recalling the terrible stomach pains he'd wake up with and his way of easing it was drinking tons of water from the fountain at school.

"I saw an interview through the small screen of the television someone had thrown away. The actor talked about how despite his terrible upcoming, he found solace in acting because it allowed him to be someone that he wasn't. That's when I took up a role in the school's play. I wasn't very good," he laughed, "but it was fun to be someone else for a day. Even as my stomach screamed in agony, I forgot all about it as I read my lines on stage."

The little boy had been silent, listening closely as an explanation was given to him. 

"What about now? Isn't your family in a better place? Do you still need to act to escape?" he asked.

"No. That was simply why I began acting. Now... now it's simply because I love it. I love the idea of bringing a character to life. I love the idea that I am not just myself but hundreds and thousands of people. They are me and I am them," the old man smiled, recalling all the roles he's played before.

It didn't matter how little significance they had to their stories. To him, they all had a life full of stories to tell and he was grateful to have been able to play them.

"You're not a bad actor, you know that?" asked the little boy.

Thankful for the compliment, the old man responded, "Thank you. I try my best."

"It's a shame that you weren't blessed with genetics and opportunities," said the little boy.

The old man smiled with a little bitterness. He wasn't offended by the boy's words. If anything, it was oddly true.

Back in his youth, he wasn't a very good-looking kid. He was a little above average even, including his height — probably due to malnourishment.

But in his prime years, those were the years that he could've auditioned for minor roles with some significance to the stories but he was unable to commit too much time to acting because he had to take care of his sick mother.

His siblings were all working to support the family and as the one who didn't have a stable job, he had no choice but to take on the household chores.

It was only in his early thirties when his mother passed away did he had the opportunity to audition for bigger roles. But it was too late. He was no longer the youth that he once was; a youth that a director might take a chance upon despite the lack of a portfolio. He was an older man whose identity was already defined by being an extra.

But never was he angered by his mother. She had done everything she could to take of him and his siblings and he was grateful to be able to take care of her as payback for it all.

The stars simply didn't align. And that was fine.

"If you could start all over again, would you do it?" the boy asked him.

"What do you mean?"

"If you could become a youthful child again, with the gift of a stable household and genetics," the boy said while gesturing at the face, "would you do it?"

"Yes," the old man nodded.

"Why? I thought you were content with how your life went?"

"Because that means I'd have more years of acting in me," the old man laughed.

The little boy's eyebrows raised slowly, surprised by how pure the love this old man had for acting was.

"I'd get to play younger roles that I wasn't able to play before," the old man continued. "A lovely child, a student in love, a spoiled brat... the possibilities are endless."

"Wouldn't you miss your family?" asked the boy.

"I'm not a younger me in this hypothetical?" he asked.

The little boy shook his head.

"Would they be okay without me?" he inquired, playing along with the little boy's hypothetical as if it was real.

"Yes," the boy nodded. "Your other self would be gone and replaced by someone else who can take your spot as the caretaker."

"As long as they're okay," he smiled. "I'm going to miss them dearly but I think they'd understand that for once, I'd like to pursue my passion all the way."

"If you were to become successful in this new body, do you think you'll continue to love acting as you do today?"

The old man didn't answer right away. He sincerely thought about it.

Creating this character inside his head of someone who was in his shoes and got a second chance at life, would they have the same passion for acting if the need to escape from reality was no longer needed?

After a while, the old man finally nodded his head. "I would."

"Why?"

"Because it's the best," the old man laughed.

It was such a simple answer and yet, the little boy was satisfied.

He stood up from the seat and said, "Don't forget the words you've told me today. I hope decades from now, you'll still have the same passion for acting as you do currently."

Thinking that it was just a child playing around, the old man simply nodded his head.

That night, he went to sleep and dreamed of this bright light.

"What's this light? Is this... is this the end of my life? B-but I had more I wanted to do," he sighed. 

He couldn't tell if this was a dream or a reality but his body continued moving towards the light even though he wasn't walking.

As his body was enveloped by the light, he uttered, "I wish I could've played a superhero before I died."

***

"Haaah!" he screamed as he jolted out of his bed. 

Eom Jae-hwa was a child, seven years old.

He grew up in a relatively wealthy household. They weren't rich to the point where they could splurge on whatever they wanted but had enough money to take multiple vacations overseas in a year.

It was the middle of the night and he sat up, staring off into the distance. Fragments of light were rushing to his head through the opening of his eyes.

Glimpse and shards of a different life was rushing into him.

A minute passed and his eyes were teary.

Five minutes later, he was crying.

Ten minutes later, his head was buried in the blanket as a means to relieve himself of all the pressure that the fragments were doing to him.

It felt like his head was being split in half — an axe striking open his skull down the middle.

'Who am I? Who am I!?'

Bits and pieces of memories were being shown to him like a slideshow. No matter how hard he tried to ignore it, closing his eyes — none of that mattered as the memories continued to play.

'Stop. Please stop. It hurts. It hurts!'

He wanted to cry but was unable to open his mouth as though it was sewn shut.

An hour later, he fell back asleep, memories of the old man merging into his. He was still Eom Jae-hwa and was mentally and spiritually still seven years old. The old man felt like his past life even though their timelines overlapped, a phenomenon that he couldn't fathom or explain as a child.

Memories of the conversation he had with the little boy didn't transfer. Most memories didn't transfer. Only the pieces that were most important to him were shown during the slideshow, including memories of his family and memories of acting.

Waking up to his older sister, Eom Sun-hee, shaking his shoulders, he opened his eyes which were still slightly red from all the tears he had shed.

"Get out of bed lazy head," Sun-hee said. "Even if it's the Summer, you shouldn't be waking up this late. Dad's home."

Sun-hee was one year older than him and although they had a closer relationship than most siblings, they still kept the tradition of insulting each other whenever they could.

"I'm up, I'm up. Wait... did you say 'Dad'?" Jae-hwa asked, yawning as he rolled out of bed. Their father, Eom Shin-il had been gone for a month for a business trip so both of them had been missing him dearly.

"Yes. He just got back. Why did you wake up so late today? The three of us have been waiting for you for an hour now and my stomach is starting to hurt," Sun-hee said, shaking her head.

Despite memories of being someone who was decades older than her, Jae-hwa didn't feel uncomfortable and felt that he was still her little brother. Their relationship hadn't changed.

"It's because I woke up in the middle of the night and had to force myself to fall back asleep again," he explained.

"Did you have a nightmare or something?" she asked.

Eom Jae-hwa thought about whether or not to tell her about what had happened to him but decided to keep it to himself. He shook his head and replied, "No. I don't get nightmares."

"Suuuure~" she rolled her eyes.

"Dad!" he yelled as soon as he saw his father's face. Even though he was in his late 20s, he still had a face that felt like it could belong to a high schooler.

Same for his mother, Bae Eun-ae who was sitting next to Shin-Il, hugging him as though she was preventing him from leaving again.

Their family was described by Jae-hwa's friends as being glued to each other's hips. Unlike some families that weren't as close and some hated each other, Jae-hwa's family was defined by love.

Even though he was still relatively early in his working years, Eom Shin-il worked as a senior manager at a food company. His business trip to America took a month because they had been trying to get a deal done with another company and Shin-il even received a bonus because he contributed the most to getting it completed.

Shin-il was not only youthful in his face but was also very handsome, to the point that Eun-ae had to call him every night to ensure that no woman was trying to slide into his pants. Sometimes there were and Bae Eun-ae's jealousy was only quenched after she remarked him as her belonging.

His mother had just turned thirty a year ago, a little older than her husband whom she met in his freshman year and her senior year at university.

Did Bae Eun-ae manage to strike out of her league and catch a golden fish?

The latter was true but the first part was false. Eom Shin-il was not out of her league and if one had to be chosen, it'd be Eun-ae who was out of his league rather than the other way around.

Bae Eun-ae was considered the flower of the university, meaning that every dude wanted to get together with her but she was extremely cold and rejected them all.

It was only when she met Shin-il did she started to melt and although he fell in love first, she fell harder to the extent that she asked him for a child in their first month together as boyfriend and girlfriend.

If you calculate Eom Sun-hee's age and use Bae Eun-ae's age as a reference, you'd understand that her request for a child was fulfilled not even a week after it was asked.

Not only was she extremely beautiful to the point that rich men asked her out on dates but she was extremely smart, ranking in the top 1% of the country in most of the exams that she took.

Unlike her husband who sometimes had to go out of the city for his work, she worked from home, selling necklaces and bracelets that she made in her free time online.

A week after the father returned from the trip.

In the middle of breakfast when the conversation started to die down as there was nothing more to talk about, Jae-hwa turned to his father and said, "Dad, I need to tell you something."

"What is it?" his father asked, swallowing the food in his mouth before putting his spoon down as he saw the seriousness on his son's face.

Over the past week, Eom Jae-hwa had sat alone with his thoughts for hours at a time, wondering if it was the correct assumption that these memories truly belonged to him.

And even if it did belong to him, was it necessary to care about it? It's not like they made an impact negatively or positively on his current life.

He could just ignore it and his life would play out the exact same way that it has been playing out since birth.

It was difficult to come to a conclusion, but by thinking about the topic so consistently, the closer he reached the answer he was seeking. There was knowledge in his head that if he wanted to, he could use it to get a step or two in front of his competition. Of course, it was just knowledge that could not do anything for him as long as he didn't find himself in the fields that required it.

Right now, the knowledge was like a dormant steak. If he took it out and cooked it, it'd be extremely delicious but it was okay to just leave it uncooked because there was plenty of food in the fridge already.

Jae-Hwa could just continue eating the same meal he's been eating every day. It would be perfectly fine because it tasted okay.

But that steak — that steak continued to linger on his mind.

His mouth began to water and he wanted a taste.

"I want to become an actor," he told his father what his conclusion was.

***

The casting director, Mok Du-ho, was currently stressing, scratching his head to the point that the few strands of hair he had left were at risk of drifting off with the wind.

"What do I do now?" he sighed. "Call up one of the runner-ups?"

He was currently involved in the making of a medium-budget film about a retired police officer and a serial killer.

There was a role that needed to be played which was the serial killer's child version. In the scenes of the flashback, the story shows how he became the twisted person he became.

After multiple rounds of auditions, Mok Du-ho found the child actor to play the role but just a week before shooting, the child came down with a terrible illness.

He couldn't blame the child for something out of his control; if anything, he prayed that the child would recover even if it wasn't in time for the shooting of the movie.

But he was left in a pickle because he needed a replacement. The reason why that child was chosen was because he was able to depict a child slowly losing his sanity and becoming twisted enough to grow up to become a serial killer.

There were a few children who played the twisted role well enough but they were rejected because the director said that they weren't acting and instead, they were just amplifying their current nature.

"What's wrong with that?" Mok Du-ho asked when that conversation was brought up in the past. "Don't many actors tap into their personality and memories to bring the character to life?"

"Yes but when it comes to roles like this, we can't let children who show signs of relating to the character play it. Children are easily influenced by their environment and if they were to play the role of a soon-to-be killer... guess what'll happen to their psyche," the director explained.

The child who was selected for the role, although he didn't perform as well as a select few, showed zero signs of relating to the character and instead, he was simply acting.

Mok Du-ho grabbed his phone and was about to call one of the runner-ups when he suddenly received a call.

"Hey, Eom Shin-il, what's up? I'm at work right now so I can't talk for long," he said.

"Mok Du-ho, don't worry. I'm calling you because of work."

Mok Du-ho's eyebrow raised in confusion and intrigue about what that meant.

"Care to elaborate friend?"

"I know this sounds like a big favor to ask of you but... is there a role that my son could play in your movie?"

"...Pfft. What kind of question is that? Of course not," Mok Du-ho responded. "Are you trying to get me fired?"

"Are you sure? I'm not... I'm not asking you to give him the role just because we're friends, I know that'd be detrimental to your job. But... could he audition for it by any chance? It could be any role. Even a background role with zero lines is fine."

"...How good is your son at acting?"

"I... I don't know," Shin-il responded.

Mok Du-ho wondered if his friend was joking. This had to be a troll phone call, he was convinced.

"I'm hanging up now."

"No! Mok Du-ho, I'm being serious. Just... just let the boy audition for a role then let him know whether or not he got the role. That's it."

Eom Shin-il was more concerned about getting his son experience in the industry, including getting rejected for roles than he was about getting him a role immediately.