The Stranger

There's a certain kind of feeling that starts to overcome you on long journeys; that sudden rawness on the blurry landscapes playing outside like a movie on fast forward. It's as if you were detached from time itself, moving at a different pace as the water droplets splatter on the bus window, slowly leaving trails when they slide down. There's a unique kind of comfort in the combination of long road trips and soft rainfalls, it makes you lower your guard a little.

I regretted the sigh that came out of my lips the moment the distinct smell of air freshener filled my nostrils. My stomach churned as nausea found its way through my system. Although I don't particularly have motion sickness, these air fresheners make me want to vomit every time I travel inside an air-conditioned vehicle. I hope, I get used to it in a few minutes.

I momentarily closed my eyes willing the slight pain in my head away, covered my nose, and controlled my breathing. And as if the possibility of puking any moment isn't bad enough, I heard someone arguing a few seats beside me.

"It doesn't change the fact that you cheated," a woman mumbled intensely. I can almost hear her voice crack but I can sense that her pride won't let her break down in public.

"Calm down, Kalila. Can't we talk about this privately?" The man she's talking with sounded distressed. He obviously didn't want to start a scene and of course, he wouldn't want his true nature to be exposed with these many people around.

"No, we have nothing more to talk about. We're over. Please, don't ever show your face in front of me again." As soon as the bus stopped because of traffic, she immediately stood up and got off. I followed her lonely figure with my eyes until she entered a public restroom just a few walks from the highway. The man made no move to follow her.

Watching instances like these in my daily life, I have always wondered why we're so afraid of showing our fragility to others that we build walls to conceal them; like a natural defense mechanism we do to survive. It has been our unconscious habit to hide from the world when we feel vulnerable. Under blankets. Behind comfort room doors. Inside virtual realities where no one knows us. An instinct that drives us to be aware of our weaknesses and form protective traits to overshadow these ugly truths.

And I always come into one root conclusion: that we have been so used living with the law of Natural Selection that we didn't realize that this need to be seen impenetrable is encoded in our very DNA. Only the strongest species were able to remain alive and the weak were forced into extinction. We're threatened of these vulnerabilities like prey running away from its predator. Because sometimes, no matter how far you go, they'll get to you, they'll drive you into a corner like a mouse lured into a trap, and eat you up alive until you don't know how to deal with them anymore.

The sky is starting to clear up, making the town more lively. Roads glistening, droplets clinging on to the edges of umbrellas, and a sudden bustle of people from the sheds they temporarily occupied. Still, we have to keep moving forward despite being a bunch of broken souls that try so hard to withstand every storm. That's the never-ending cycle we have to endure every day: to pretend like it's okay only to suffer the wounds alone.

Titanic's theme song suddenly filled the air. The prominent flute notes of 'My Heart Will Go On' automatically conjures one of the most tragic story every told. I glanced up at the television screen hanging on the ceiling just above the driver's seat. I guess I was so indulged in my thoughts that I didn't notice the movie playing. It's close to the ending now though, there's no use watching it. It's not like I'm fond of viewing romantic films either. I resumed staring outside as the bus started to move slowly.

"Winning that ticket, Rose, was the best thing that ever happened to me... it brought me to you. And I'm thankful for that, Rose. I'm thankful. You must do me this honor. Promise me you'll survive. That you won't give up, no matter what happens, no matter how hopeless. Promise me now, Rose, and never let go of that promise."

Now that my ears are more aware of every line being spoken, I almost laughed at the irony of this thing they call 'love'. It makes you willing to sacrifice your own life for a person but also has the capacity to turn you into a murderer. Now, which is which? Do we use it to justify the irrational emotions that we find hard to suppress? Or is it just a romanticized cure for loneliness?

"I'll never let go, Jack. I'll never let go. I promise."

I'm so tired of cliched dramas and novels depicting love as if it was something beautiful. Because it's not. We deny the fucked up reality that letting a person take control of your heart also means that you can never get a hold of yourself once again. It makes you lose all reason and do illogical actions. It's a double-edged sword that almost always destroys you. It's just a chemical reaction inside our brains. It's not real.

My attention suddenly zeroed on the man in front of me. He is exceptionally beautiful, like a God born from chiseled Greek statues. My heavy breath fogged up the glass window and my heart almost wanted to leap out of my rib cage. That man's stare bored through me as if he had known me all his life. It was just a casual eye contact; him nonchalantly standing under traffic light and me sight-seeing the rush of people waiting to cross the road. I can't even blink as the bus passed by him. My mind became blank but at the same time, I was extremely conscious of my surrounding. From the silent conversations around me to the way his eyelashes curve on his lids. Seven seconds. It was all it took to shake me off form the little world that I was in and that moment, I somehow felt that I'll meet him again. For some reason, I felt like I was tied to him.

I didn't even realize that I was holding my breath until I regained my bearings. He's definitely trouble. And I'm not the type to believe in love at first sight thing. With that thought, I pushed him out of my mind just as fast as how he invaded it. I can't afford to waste my time on love.

Because love, after all, is human's greatest vulnerability.