The Elden Ring! The Elden Ring is real!

"I promise you... a thousand-year voyage guided by compassion."

Oh, come on, how the hell did I mess up the timing on that?!

The scene that played out on the monitor in front of me was quite infuriating, what with my character getting locked into a bear hug by this giant of a man, as the twink that rode him wrapped his arms around in-game-me, bringing his lips close to my ears, and whispering sweet nothings to my character.

As soon as he was done so, the giant dropped him onto the ground, allowing me to regain control. And so, I did the most sensible thing one would do in a situation like this–

Click, click.

I ran like hell, gaining distance as I attempted to regain my bearings. Even though my character hadn't taken any physical damage, I still felt quite worried.

A strange symbol resembling a bird, comprised of bright, golden light, hovered on top of my character's head.

I do not know what that symbol meant, as this was the first time I had gotten caught up in that grab, and honestly speaking, I had no intention of finding out.

Curiously, I checked how much health the boss had left, the sight of which caused me to clench my buttcheeks as I did my best to lock in.

[Radahn, Consort of Miquella]

[1,234/46,134]

Holy shit, he's only two hits away from death!

Double-checking my buffs to make sure they hadn't run out, I focused my attention back on the boss, only to see him jump. Once he reached the apex of his lunge, his body halted in place, seemingly floating a few meters from the ground.

Ah shit, here we go again.

Realizing what was about to happen, I started running off to the side, trying to avoid the impending strike. At the same time, motes of light gathered around the boss. A second later, an identical clone of light struck where I was moments prior, carving a gouge before dissolving into nothing.

Not even a moment later, three more clones struck in quick succession, two of which I could avoid, but the last caught me by a hairsbreadth, momentarily stunning my character, which the big man capitalized on.

Bringing his and the twink's weight down on me, he slammed his greatswords down full force, the impact of which formed a crater around him, followed by multiple pillars of light slamming down around him, completely cutting off my escape.

However, that wasn't the end, as he didn't stop attacking. Holding his arms wide open, he jumped once more, as he attempted to grab me once more.

Click, click, clickclickclickclickclick–

Repeatedly mashing the dodge button in desperation, I hoped my character would dodge and roll away in time. And roll he did... right into the boss' open arms.

Fucckkk! Are you kidding me?!

Once again, he hugged my character tightly, while the twink wrapped his arms around my neck, whispering something once more.

"Lord of the old order... Let us go together."

Saying his piece, they both let go of me. Only this time, the twink smiled as he gazed at my character, while Radahn ceased his assault; something that completely escaped my sight and mind, as my mind was focused only on retreating.

Frustratingly, my character would not respond. Instead, he got on his knees, placing his left hand on his left chest, while he reached out with his right as if he was offering his mind, body, and soul to the two standing before him.

I stared at my screen dumbly, seeing the words "Heart Stolen" written in bold, golden words right in the middle, followed by my health bar sliding down to zero. The screen went black, and I was back right outside of the boss arena.

Did... did I just die because my character became a simp?

I was left dumbfounded, and the feeling of shock was replaced by anger when I remembered how close he was to dying. I almost slammed my arm down on the table, but stopped short, taking a deep breath, and chanting a single sentence that had become a mantra of sorts ever since I started playing this game.

"It's all Miyazaki's fault, It's all Miyazaki's fault, It's all Miyazaki's fault, It's all Miyazaki's fault, It's all Miyazaki's fault,..."

An entire minute later, I stopped the chant, having gotten the rage out of my system. Getting up from the chair, I stretched my limbs, hours of sitting in one place and position being evident in how audibly my joints popped.

I rubbed my eyes, driving away the slight irritation that had been pecking at my concentration. Picking up my phone, I scrolled through the multitude of tabs that I never bothered closing, my search for a particular tab interrupted by a sudden text from my Ma, detailing a list of items.

Oh yeah, Ma did tell me she won't have time to buy the groceries. Might as well take a break too from the boss, been at it for hours now.

Having decided my next action, I tossed on my furred jacket, knowing it'd be quite chilly outside considering it was the middle of November. Grabbing my keys, I patted my pants to ensure my wallet and earbuds were snugged into my pockets.

Leaving the house, I noticed that the fog had set in place, mildly obscuring my vision, but I didn't pay it any mind, since I wasn't going too far anyway.

I trudged along the path I knew to the closest store, not bothering to grab my car since it was only a few minutes away. With Wind Rose blasting into my ears, I resumed searching for the tab I was looking at, my fingers swiping across the screen until they stopped, settling upon a singular tab, with "Fanfiction.net" written as the header.

A few minutes passed, the sound of footsteps echoing throughout the empty street as I came across an intersection separating me from my destination, the grocery store on the other side of the road.

I waited on the sidewalk, waiting for the sign to change so I could cross the road. Meanwhile, my fingers never stopped swiping, my eyes darting across the screen as I sifted through the list of recently updated stories.

Hmm, skip, skip, not that one either– oh! Looks like "Tavish Byrne: Reloaded" got a new chapter. Definitely gonna read that one later.

A sudden shift in my peripheral brought my attention to the sign, the light having turned green, allowing me a brief period to cross the road safely.

Looking both ways, I squinted my eyes, doing my best to peer through the fog that had thickened enough to impair my vision. I didn't find any glimpses of headlights, nor did my ears pick up the sounds of immediately approaching vehicles.

Having thoroughly observed my surroundings, I deemed it safe to cross the road and the fog leisurely. My head tilted down, my gaze drifting over to the screen once more as my legs carried me toward the store.

About halfway through, a distant ringing fell upon my ears. Trying to discern the source, I raised my head, looking towards my left first, only to find nothing. I then looked towards the right, only to–

THUNK!

With a sickening crunch, my body went flying, barreling into the air as my broken limbs flailed about, doing their best to slow my descent as I began to fall headfirst onto the ground.

As my body descended, it felt like my perception had accelerated, as if the entire world had slowed down. I saw what exactly had collided with me at such speed. It took a split second, but I recognized it, perhaps due to having seen similar objects multiple times in my monotonous life.

A large truck, about four and a half meters long, sped by as it showed no signs of stopping. Soon, it disappeared into the fog, but I happened to catch a glimpse of the license plate on the back, the words written on it sending me for a loop.

TRUCK-KUN...? Huh, who woulda thought–

CRUNCH!

My last thoughts were cut short as my body completed its descent, my head being the first thing to kiss the ground. As it did so, my body slid across the ground from the impact, leaving behind a long, gruesome mix of blood and brain matter that marred the road.

All of it happened within seconds. It came without warning, barely giving me time to process what had happened. And thus I lost consciousness, never to wake up in this world, ever again.

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Urrgghhh... my head...

Slurred thoughts raged in my mind, feeling disoriented and in pain as if I'd stepped on a hundred Lego blocks simultaneously, which made absolutely no sense, just like my current situation.

Darkness deeper than the night surrounded me, without a single ray of light present anywhere around me. I couldn't see anything, and It felt like I was stuck in an abyss, with no escape in sight, falling deeper and deeper into an endless hole.

And there was the fact that my entire being was wracked with pain as if someone was stabbing me with needles all over my body while pegging me so hard that it'd make a goth girl jealous.

I felt numb from head to toe as if I couldn't feel my body, which was strange, as I still felt pain, which shouldn't have been possible if I felt no connection with my body.

It felt like I had no mouth, and yet I tried to scream, but no sound came out. I tried to breathe but felt no air being pulled into my body.

The same went for sight, sound, and touch, as the only thing that I could feel was the never-ending pain.

Grrgghhh... what is this...

Strangely enough, as moments passed, the pain seemed to increase. At first, it was in minuscule amounts, though slowly but surely, it increased exponentially.

Ahhhh...

Increasing, increasing, getting more intense, and bigger, and bigger...

Aaahhhh... aaaaahhhhhhhhhhh...

Until the dam burst.

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH, it hurts! It hurts, it hurts, ithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurts–

The pain was unbearable. My mind was shattering apart, fracturing into pieces but barely holding on, as the pain was unironically the only thing keeping it from breaking completely. So, using the last of my sanity, I wished silently, amidst the screams within my mind, that someone would free me from this suffering.

Whoom.

The pain stopped, suddenly, and without warning, and along with the pain, my thoughts stopped short, not an inkling of what had just happened. I tried to piece it together, my mind and thoughts, but I could feel someone else doing it for me, as I felt myself being put back together.

It was hard to describe, but it was a strange sensation, nonetheless. Seeing as I was no longer in pain, I relaxed, letting myself be healed. It took some time; whether it was seconds, minutes, or hours, I didn't know, as it was quite hard to tell the time in everlasting darkness.

Eventually, the sensation went away. I still couldn't speak, breathe, or smell, but it was a welcome change, compared to having my entire being torn apart, and suffering from hellish pain.

My thoughts started becoming sporadic, as my mind almost began replaying the moments that had passed before being healed, which thankfully did not come to pass as something drew my attention.

[Greetings, stranger.]

A disembodied voice rang out through the darkness. It felt like the voice was everywhere, as I could hear it from all directions.

Wait, hear?

This was the first voice– no, the first sound I heard, since coming to this strange place. I was left baffled, and in my shock, I didn't answer the strange voice, as it spoke once more, this time with a tinge of annoyance... and did that sound like worry?

[Hello? You there? Earth to stranger... you're not dead, are you? Please don't tell me you're dead...]

Wuh– what do you mean I'm dead? I'm very much alive, you see?!

[Oh good, I was worried there for a sec. But seriously, that was quite annoying, don't do that again.]

The hell you mean I'm annoying–

I froze, realizing a simple fact as I talked to the being.

You... you can hear me?

[Well duh, I answered you there, didn't I?]

B– but how?! I only answered in my thoughts–... you read my thoughts, didn't you?

[Ding ding ding! And we have a winner!]

...This is gonna be a recurring theme with you, isn't it?

I sighed mentally, already feeling tired from dealing with the sassy voice.

[Whatever may you be talking about? Anyway, enough about that. Let's get to why we're here. Well, you see... you died.]

As he said that, he quieted down to let me digest the information, which I did, even though it was a bit hard to believe, despite the situation I found myself in.

I'm... dead?

[Yes, you're dead.]

Like, dead dead?

[Deader than dead.]

I...

I wanted to believe he was lying, but the pain I felt a few moments ago was just too real. It was a hard pill to swallow. I hadn't even reached my thirties, and there were so many things I wanted to do, a career to achieve, money to make, virginity to lose–

Damn it, I didn't even get laid, or married, and I'm already dead!

[Are you done?]

Really dude? Really? At least give me some time to grieve.

[Nuh-uh!]

Fuck you mean "Nuh-uh?"

[Did I stutter? Seriously, stop sulking around, it's not like doing so will bring you back to life. Man up, and get over it.]

"Get over it," he says... how about you get over my balls!

[...]

...

We both stared in silence at each other after hearing my abysmal attempt at clapping back at him, neither of us saying a word until he broke the silence.

[Was that the best you could come up with?]

Gimme a break! I was never the sharpest tool in the shed... and besides, it's not as easy as you make it sound, I mean... according to you, I died, and yet somehow, I'm here, in this... void, like, is this supposed to be the afterlife?

[Well, ignoring your absolute lack of roasting skills, and to answer your question, it's not exactly what you'd describe as the afterlife, as we are currently in the middle of Nowhere.]

Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.

[No, I didn't mean it literally– wait no, I did mean it literally, but this place is actually called Nowhere, an isolated dimension where lost souls forsaken by their worlds end up. Those souls are then left to rot for eternity, and eventually break apart and die due to not having a proper vessel housing them... which is what would've happened to you, had I not intervened.]

His explanation stunned me, with a numbing sensation spreading through me, trying to make sense of my situation.

So... what you're saying is that the world has forsaken me... I mean, what the hell did I even do to–

[Hold your horses, I'm not done explaining yet.]

His interruption brought clarity to my mind, which was merrily on its way to imagining the worst-case scenario to torment my being. Calming myself, I let him explain, hoping this was all some terrible mistake.

Oh... ok, carry on then.

[Where was I... ah right, what I was going to say is that when you got run over, Truck-kun was supposed to transport your soul to a new world to be reincarnated.]

I see... wait, Truck-kun is real?!

[Always has been.]

So I wasn't hallucinating when I saw that plate... ok then, since I'm here, and not in another world as a baby, that means...

[Yup, forget about doing his job properly, he completely fucked up and now I'm here fixing his mess.]

Uhhhh... sorry?

[Eh, don't worry about it, you're not the one who lost track of an assigned soul during delivery, which somehow ended up light years away in a completely isolated dimension.]

Hearing his response, I tried to fix a deadpan stare at him, which was a bit hard to do considering his voice was practically coming from all directions.

So what now?

[Now, I will make sure you get reincarnated as it was originally intended, with a little... compensation for the trouble you went through because of a certain someone's fuckup.]

Compensation? Sounds good! So what is it? Infinite wealth? Unlimited power? A magical dick?

The voice chuckled, hearing the excitement in my tone, but the first few words shot down any fantasies I was thinking up, only to lift my enthusiasm back up again.

[None of these, but I think it's on the same level. The compensation... is a wish.]

A... wish? Like, I can wish for anything, and it'll be with me in the new world?

[Exactly, but you only get one wish, so choose wisely. Also, no wishing for extra wishes, or anything omnipotence-related.]

Why? Worried that I'll go crazy with my new powers and destroy the world?

[...]

...It was a joke.

[I know it was, but... let's just say someone did end up wishing for nigh-omnipotence in the past, and they ended up destroying their world... just for shits and giggles. So we stopped granting such wishes since then.]

His little recount of the past caused me to think about what would happen if I ended up with such powers, and I could only think of one conclusion.

Man, whoever it was... they just like me, for real.

[...Just tell me what your damn wish is.]

I cackled for a few seconds at his response, then told him my wish. Needless to say, he was surprised at how quickly I'd decided.

I wish... to create my own gamer system!

[Pardon?]

I wish... to create my own gamer system?

[Uhh... are you sure about that? Not that it's a bad wish, on the contrary, it's pretty creative, but there are better things you can ask for.]

Oh, I'm most definitely sure.

[...Oh well, whatever floats your boat.]

As he said his piece, I began explaining the details of the system to him, elaborating on each part thoroughly so as not to miss anything.

On a few occasions, he offered his insight on things he believed could be better, which helped tremendously in improving the efficiency, and ease of use.

Although ironing out all the tiny kinks took a while, the final result was most definitely worth it. With a satisfied sigh, I addressed the voice in a relaxed manner.

Well, now that we're done with that, is there anything I should know before I start my second life?

[Yes there is. When you get reincarnated, your memories will be sealed. But don't worry, you'll regain most, if not, all of them well before you hit puberty.]

But why though?

[Do you want to remember the shame of being breastfed every day, spending the first year of your new life shitting your diaper every other day, while the only thing you are capable of doing is laying in bed all day, as all-encompassing boredom continuously encroaches on your sanity?]

While I would very much like the first part, I'll pass on the rest.

[Good, then off you go!]

All of a sudden, I heard a snapping sound echo throughout Nowhere, as I felt myself being sucked into something. Assuming it was my ticket to my new life, I didn't resist the pull, but I did manage to ask one last question.

Wait, could you tell me what kinda world you're sending me to?!

Hearing my question, the voice didn't answer for a few moments. I feared I'd be going in blind, not that it mattered since I wouldn't remember anything for the first few years, according to him, but my fears were unfounded.

[Eh, I guess it should be fine if I tell you. See, the world you're going to... is the world of Elden Ring.]

...Wait whaaaaAAAAAAAAA–

I didn't even get to finish the sentence, as the sucking intensified, pulling me into what I assumed was a wormhole or a portal. However, before it closed, I managed to convey my thoughts to the voice, perfectly expressing my reaction to the revelation.

The Elden Ring! The Elden Ring... is reeeaaaaal–

The portal closed abruptly, cutting off my thoughts as my consciousness went black.

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I'm alive!

It's my first time writing in 1st person POV, so it might come off a bit weird as I'm still learning the ropes. If you have any advice in improving it, I'll gladly take it.