Chapter 5

Love

Why is love so absolute

Yet so shattered

Like a pebble dropped into an eerie, still lake

For the sake of us all

For the sake of summer, winter, spring, and fall

Why must love be born so broken

Depths of Oneself

Found Poem With Words by Anne Frank

(Assignment from english class)

"On top of the world or in the depths of despair

I can perfectly well remember that there was a time when a deep blue sky,

the song of the birds,

moonlight and flowers could never have kept me spellbound.

I didn't want to be treated as a girl-like-all-others, but as Anne-of-her-own merits.

And I don't think I shall easily bow down before the blows that inevitably come to everyone

Finally I twist my heart round again

So that the bad is on the outside and the good is on the inside

And keep on trying to find a way of becoming what I would so like to be

And what I could be

If

There weren't any other people living in the world

I must not bury my head in the blankets, but the reverse

I must keep my head high and be brave"

You

What a sight to behold what a sight to behold

To have and to hold

Until death do us part

But before we can bear the rings to wear

We are ripped apart by the mother who never truly let me love

Who never truly accepted me

So here I sit in my tomb

In my dirt stained suit

From the wedding between me and you

Together we live and together we die

And I know somewhere out there, just as I

You lie there and look at the sky

And look at the clouds

And you look at the world

Shrouded in darkness

Surrounded by hurt

All because of her not understanding

She thinks she can decide what I feel

But she cannot and I will to what I must

And follow my heart

And find you again until death do us part

Then till death do I part will I live and love with you

And at death will I suffer at the loss of my love

At the loss of you

Goodbye to the Blood Red Rain

On a hill

In peaceful glee

I laid still

Feeling the breeze

When a giant storm cloud

Began to float overhead

But the rain

Was blood red

Suddenly the peace was gone

I was terrified

Petrified

Where was the hill

No longer still

I run but the mud turned to quicksand

The scene was horrifyingly bleak

I felt weak

As I sunk slowly

Into a pit of emotion

Goodbye to the hill

Goodbye to the glee

Goodbye to the peace

And goodbye to the blood red rain

A Sea of Me

My mind swirls blankly

A full canvas, waiting to be painted again

It is the start of the end

A new dusk

And a finished dawn

All at once

Because with is a shade of rainbow

And rainbows are made of light

A calming storm

A gentle shine

A road that's torn

And shines at night

On they go

Down the yellow brick road

Onward

Onward they trek

And once again I check

Check the ever flowing time

Time which once was mine is now a wreck

At sea

A sea of me

Me oh my

My feelings see the sea

But the floor is now the ceiling

And I created everything

My mind is a place of me

Tears in the Abyss

Into the abyss I fall

Away from it all

Silently dying as I disappear

From here

I slowly fade from this world

Quiet yet finally heard

A beautiful fear

Scared and completely alive

I try to sit still as I fall

Away from it all

Into the abyss

And tears drip

My emotions rip

My mind to shreds

And while carrying it back

I lost a piece or two along the way

Just a few shreds

Of my soul

A few parts of a whole

When I put it back together

It is now weathered

Beaten and broken

Cold and soaked in the tears that drip

The Boy in the Tree

Once there was a boy

Who lived in Detroit

And he hadn't smiled in years

He went through the days

Sobbing but saying

"Don't worry about me."

One day they found him hanging from tree

In his own backyard

No one knew his life was that hard

Until they mourned his loss

On went the time

And slowly there grew moss

On his headstone

And one day the stone was shown

To a little girl from Texas

And she was next in

The long line of people who used that tree

That old oak tree

Eventually they cut it down

Hoping it would save the town

From another person using it

It tipped

Until it fell

And under the roots

Thy found the body

Of the first to use the tree

Long ago

Slowly the spot became covered in snow

And many years later the spot became a lake

Where a boy named Jake

Drowned himself

Pile of Soot

A single drop

Slides down my face

As I chase

My old self

That's slowly dissipating into smoke

I try to run

But I'm too slow

And I miss her by a mile

It takes a while

But I finally get to the soot covered spot

That stinks with the stench of rot

I sob

And cry

And fly into an infectious rage

I tear at the floor

And swear at myself

"FUCK!" I yell

Oh well

Not everything works out

But still my fingernails bleed as I dig and shout

Wishing she would come back

Turn around

Hear me yell out

And save me

Yet she speared me

With her pointy forked tongue of lies

What lies beneath her surface

I ponder

As I dig into the soot

And crawl on foot

To where she once was

Trying to go back

My hands are stained black

From digging in the soot

Inch by inch

Foot by foot

I dig deep

My nails rip off

My hands bleed

I want her back

I need

Her to return

To save me from burning up too

Where are you, me

We are the same but different

I'm scared

And you feel nothing

Are you being honest or bluffing

You must feel something

Oh dear

I've dug down to the bone

I cried alone

In the cold and the dark

Hoping for a smoldering spark of her to come back

And embrace me

Bride of Death

Sweet music

Of a dreamer

Who stargazes

Under the moon

She walks the world with a smile

But death hoped to meet her soon

She went along a path

For an early morning jog

When suddenly out of the fog

Death appeared

And he said

"Oh my dear girl

With your hair stained red

I am Death

And I wish to have said

I have fallen in love with you

I'll make a deal

In exchange for your hand in marriage

I'll bring back anyone you love

If you agree to walk down the aisle

And kiss my cloaked lips

With your room-brightening smile

You shall rule hell and heaven with me

And be

My beautiful bride

Stand beside me

And be my bride

Oh beautiful girl

With your red stained curls

And beautiful smile

Be my bride

You may think on it for a while."

Then Death disappeared

And from that day on she feared him

But she wished to bring back

The love of her life

So one day

She stood with a with a knife

She drove it through her chest

And said "I wish to see Death."

And he came in and said

"I see you've accepted my offer

Who do you wish to send back into the world."

She began to cry and said

"Years ago my husband died.

I wish to bring him back."

And so Death did

And she became Death's bride

With her room-brightening smile

While her husband suffered on earth

And though her gesture was worth her life

Her husband soon died

To go back

To be with her

But now they no longer look at the moon

Because they are still separated

Even after death

Because she was married to Death

And it stayed that way until she took her final breath

My Dear

Roses

And daisies

And sunflowers

Minutes

And seconds

And days

And hours

Tick by

On the clock

Tick tock

Tick tock

On we go down the yellow brick road

No

You go

Leaving my heart polluted as you went to Oz

A deathly doom

An eerie gloom

It fills the room

With despair

A horrible scent in the air

My mind is the lair of the beast

A heart, it and I share

And too a mind

It of destruction and me of care

And it makes my heart beat

For you

For you

All that I do

Is for you

My love

My sweet, tired love

Please don't leave

I need you to stay

Stay so I may say

That I love you once more

And give you one last hug before I walk out the door

With a tear

A tear streaming down my face

And a silent, choked back sob

In my throat

I shall never wear a veil of lace with you

So good night

And goodbye

And please don't leave

For I love you my dear

And I think you love me

So just stay

And live on with your life

Even if I don't live on with mine

You deserve life

And happiness

And tears of joy

And some one who can give you the love you deserve

Not a toy for you to play with and get bored of

Someone you love and someone you trust

Someone to give to

Something like us

Before everything happened

Something unstained, something brand new

Our souls that lay tattered in a closet

With mothballs and mold

Someone with whom you would like to grow old

Someone to care for

Someone to show your heart to

Someone who can be what you need

Not me though I love you so

And I try to be that person

But it's not enough

I can't change simply with love

I'll always be me

So complicated and unlovable

But you my dear can be so much more than me

You can be anything you desire

Except dead

Because I refuse to go to the funeral

Of the one who lit this fire inside me

So goodbye my dear

My love

My heart

Goodnight

To the moon

To you

And to the stars

Guilt

A vision of them

The mind-made manifestation of my own guilt

Swirling through my head

It encases me

Drowning me in regret and shame

On the corner of Crinella and Ely

I sit on the sidewalk

Thinking about my choices in life

What led up to this

What did I do wrong

Everything

A vision of them

A mind-made manifestation of my own guilt

Marathon

I used to be you

So smart

So free

So creative

So kind

What changed

My heart

My soul

My mind

Somewhere down the line

Things broke

And the pieces fell apart

I dropped a few along the way

On the path between finish and start

The marathon of life

That I keep having to run on

Myself

Her

Gone

She's gone

Never to be seen again

Phone Call

I so longed to hear their voice

To feel their embrace

And to see their soft, hazel eyes

Now once one more I may hear them

First the phone rings

Then you

Then you

I missed you so

The wind in my hair and the phone is my hand

Myself on the swing and my shoes in the sand

Your voice is smooth and broken and sweet

And your laugh is music and joy to me

Circus

I love

I go

I die

I blow in the wind and I freeze in the snow

And when life begins then so does the show

The show

The show

With clowns and with glitter

And a ringmaster

For people to watch and enjoy

And laugh at and gawk

And eat popcorn while watching me suffer and falter and block out my friends

And family too

And miss my old self

And miss you

Blood in the Water

Blood and bones and bullet holes

In the room on the wall in the sea

Swirling waves and chum-drawn sharks

Circling, swarming

Drawn in to the death of a friend

Of a lover

The death of another is inevitable in the water

You drown

In the water you die

In the water you suffer

And in the water you cry

And you cry

And you go belly up

Until you are found

And fresh out of luck

Loneliness

Lonely hearts and broken souls

Broken parts and broken wholes

Half of you and half the other

Smothered by the cascading loneliness

Yet but one, come one more

I beg of thee

Leave me not alone for I am sick when I look not on you

Do not leave me to meld myself into what I believe I should be when it is not right

Do not leave me alone

For I am not to be alone at night

Is when the times get bad

Night has had its moments of truth

For me

Living Death on a Raindrop

Raindrops on the window

And rust along the sill

Watching all the passing cars along the highway

Teardrops on the face

Watching through the window

Crying at the passing cars

And staring at the shining stars

Stars in the sky with moon and the clouds

Clouds making the raindrops that roll down the car window

Sweet life

A most tragic comedy of love, loneliness, and death

Her Dress

A dress

Tattered and stained and torn

Overworn

Worn by a mess of a person named Tess

Tess was a girl with bright purple hair

And the dress was her favorite

Floral and perfect

And she wore it every Tuesday

She wore it to school and she wore it to work

And the first time it got a stain was from ketchup at the diner she worked at

And the first rip came getting caught on a door handle

But still Tess wore her dress

And she looked like a mess

But oh how she loved that dress

From her mother

Who died in a crash

And Tess awoke next to in the car and saw the gash

On her throat from a piece of windshield

And on that day she was wearing the dress

And now there's a stain of her blood on the dress

Just an inch away from the ketchup

And she cried and she wept

In her stained, torn blue dress

In the dirt in front of her mother's grave

And the grass grew around

And she watched the flowers sprout

And she wore that dress

Every day

And she grew to be insane

She grew just as the flowers did

Bigger and brighter

A lover and a fighter

And her dress grew evermore stained and tattered

And her eyes became glossy and shattered

With every piece of her that broke off when she died inside

Horror Story

I love you

Those words

They fall from her mouth

Into a hung up phone call

No one was listening but still she says

I love you

Into the phone

Lies and lies

And tears and tart berry pies

In the window and sighs in the wind

As she lies in the beach

And prays for her sins

And prays for a new day to begin

As she cries in the ocean and cries in the salt

Because according to her

Everything is her fault

Though she didn't deserve it

Not one person's life can truly be perfect

So what did she expect with all the other good things in her life

There was no walking about with out the pain of the knife

Stabbing you in the back at least once

Because no one is perfect

Everyone has something

That makes their life bad

And makes them sad enough

To cry to the ocean

And sigh to the wind

And lie in the flowers

Dying to begin again

To restart

To prepare her fragile heart

For the horrors

Attached to her name

Cherry

A cherry lollipop

Fallen to the ground

Now sticky with dirt and ants

Cherry lipgloss

Coating the lips that spill lies

Truly Love

Is love an untouched lake

Or the rain that falls and disturbs it

That shatters the perfect mirror of glistening water

What is love

What is it truly

I think and I wonder

I watch and I ponder

But nothing comes out of it

Instead here I stand

A lonely, scarred man

And I ponder:

Why must the fastest stars burn so bright

And why must moths love flying into the light