8

After a very long stint of keeping peace in and away from Panem, Gale Hawthorne walks into a bar. (I know that sounds like a bad joke...but he did.)

He's not here to stay. He still lives in District 2. Alas, District 2 has not yet taught him how to not miss the sweet, sweet beers of the District 12 taverns. And quite personally, those mason's and weapon-monger's daughters have not yet taught him how to miss those raw, cheaper, down-home miner's and doctor's daughters.

Mainly the miner's daughters, though. Katniss, specifically...

He sits at the bar. The bar is run by an android who looks exactly like a beautiful young brown-eyed ravenhead. Oh well; District 12 was always too cheap for Norse blondes. Gale kind of hoped their switch to the medical industry would upgrade the fashion of the local women, but it seems there are way too many chicks around here who just can't wrestle their own clingy crab's pincers off their miner's roots...

"Welcome, master." The hotbot barmaid brings Gale a mug of beer and a shot of whiskey, and speaks in a robotic/feminine voice. "Your business is valued. I am here to get you drunk within legal limits, or however much you will...whichever pleases you, master."

Gale smiles. "Paylor, I love Panem."

"I can lower my low-cut to your liking!" The chest window on the hotbot's slutty dress widens, within legal limits.

"As low as you can go, please," Gale says, smiling. "Thanks."

"Your pleasure is my command, master. Would you like to alternate staring into my eyes and low-cut as you drink your boilermaker?"

Gale grins. "You know what I like, babe."

"Would you like me to mix your boilermaker for you?" She reads his hormones, takes the shot of whiskey, swabs her boob-crack with it, breathes into it, and dumps it into his beer mug.

An old neighbor sits with Gale. They catch up. Gale asks about "Catnip," as he calls her, of course. The neighbor shudders, and admits that Katniss is in an unusual place, and has been for some time now.

Gale lends his ear. It sounds like his neighbor is trying to tell him that Katniss is sick.

His neighbor chuckles, and admits that anyone else would think so. For one thing, she calls Gale "Primsbane" now.

Gale chuckles, and admits that that name for himself is not without merit. He just didn't realize Katniss was so capable of holding a grudge.

His neighbor chuckles. He reminds him that Katniss is the Girl on Fire; she can hold a grudge that's capable of destroying two Panems and replacing it with the Paylor administration.

Gale reminds him that the Snow administration was like a slow-burning bodark log in contrast to the crummy tinder that the Coin one turned out to be. Alas, he admits he understands his neighbor's point.

Gale sighs, and admits that what Catnip has is probably contagious, and he should keep his distance. He is, after all, merely just a military man; Catnip's slain two dictators...and with one arrow, at that.

His neighbor smiles, and leaves him. As for Gale, he takes a big long swig from his boilermaker.

His eyes are bloodshot. But still, he alternates staring into the hotbot barmaid's deep brown eyes and deep low-cut for as long as he can make it last...

The boilermakers make her boobs look bigger than before. They're also concealed behind a white shirt that says, "BREAD: IT'S HUMANITY'S GIFT TO THE ANOREXIC." And, the barmaid's changed her hair color. And her placement...

"Hi," she says, with a pleasant smile. "I'm Katlanna, and I'm here to make a boy jealous."

"I'm... I'm..." Gale looks around-or would, if he could see. "Who am I?"

"Primsbane," a subtle voice whispers in his head.

"PRIMSBANE," Gale shouts, inadvertently silencing everyone in the bar. "My name...is Primsbane."

"Ooh, Primsbane," Katlanna repeats, subtly giggling. "That's so mysterious. And you're SO hot. You wanna help me make a boy jealous?"

Below, a cat wanders around Katlanna's bare feet. And, it rubs some on Gale's too.

Gale gives him a strange look, through bloodshot eyes. "You bring your cat to bars?"

Katlanna giggles. "I still don't know his name. He keeps following me around. He likes me, but he hates the boy I like."

Around them, a lot of faces at the bar conceal themselves. Many of them think Katniss is here to cheat on her husband.

"The boy I like is cute," Katlanna pours out. "I'm helping him cheat on his wife. He keeps running from me, though. And he gets harder and harder to catch each time. He keeps calling me the Girl on Fire, for some reason. And I like it."

"Hmm," Gale mutters. "What else does he call you?"

Katlanna sighs. "Freak. Bitch. Crazy. Insane. Attila the Whore. Sif in the Buff. A mutt. Husbandicidal maniac. Ms. Hyde. She-Hulk. Thick. Busty. Horror from hell. Ale airhead. Lager looney. Stout slut. Bourbon bitch. Whiskey willie-wetter." She shrugs. "He sure is talkative. I'll give him that. And he's SO fun to have sex with..."

"If you're going to get me to help you make him jealous, do it already. I'm sorely tempted to do to you what he can't."

Katlanna sighs. "Can you imitate a mechanical bull, while I ride you?"

"I get paid to follow orders for a living. Got another idea?"

Katlanna's eyes fall on the clock. "You like karaoke?"

"I suck at it. But it's worth a shot."

Karaoke hour begins. Gale and Katlanna sign up as a duet. They wait. Their time comes. All around, bar patrons are still hiding their faces. They take the spotlight, face each other, and stare into one another's eyes-his bloodshot, and her 20/20-as they both sing "Just By Being You (Halo and Wings)."

Steel Magnoia was a bit of a three-hit wonder from the early 21st century.

Gale/Primsbane/Joshua Scott Jones sings the first verse. Katlanna/Meghan Linsey sings the second. They both sing the bridge and the last chorus in harmony. Those few bar patrons who don't know who they are or that one of them is allegedly married give them a huge roar of applause.

It turns out Gale isn't such a honking donkey when he sings while drunk. Katlanna isn't either; although the whole district, if not Panem as a whole, knows that the Girl on Fire is no singer.

Afterwards, Gale and Katlanna have a one-night stand at the Mellark shotgun house. They sleep in sweet bliss until a few hours before daybreak.

Gale wakes. He's sober. He pries himself away from Katlanna, dresses, and slips out. He never sees Katlanna's face.

It's just as well. She probably looks Coyote Ugly after a post-binge-drinking one-night stand, after all.

In bed, Katlanna rolls over on her back. She's in the buff under white sheets...and happy.

"You're the best, Primsbane," she whispers. "But I miss my Peeta."

Buttercup leaps into the bed with her. Katlanna smiles, hugs him, and sings him a lullaby while half-asleep.

Alas, Katlanna's hair changes back to brown. Buttercup, smelling Katniss again, leaps out of the bed and leaves. Katniss rolls over the side of it and vomits. She relaxes, and tries to get some more sleep before dawn.

"Paylor, I smell like Gale Hawthorne," she mutters. "What the fuck? District 12 is supposed to be a medical haven. Why does everything smell diseased?"