5

It's morning on a weekend. Katniss is on the back patio, torturing and killing more mice as test subjects for her ultimate replacement of her late sister's cat.

Every now and then, Buttercup sneaks in and tries to rob the mouse tank. Katniss naturally responds by throwing a machete, and nearly turning Buttercup into gato con mantequilla.

She really shouldn't do that. Those blades leave marks on the patio. Plus, they make sparks. And sparks are a fire hazard in the summer.

Peeta's on the top of a hill. It's the highest hill in the region. And therefore, it's the place in the region with the best wireless reception. But more importantly, he's far away from Katniss if she spontaneously becomes Katlanna when he doesn't expect her to.

He's woven some antennas between trees. He's got a satellite dish atop the tallest one. And, he's got an outhouse at the base of it. From inside, he chats with Haymitch Abernathy, an old parasite-turned-friend, and a fellow victor of the Hunger Games...only older...and a drinking problem that makes Katniss's look like an elephant (i.e. not a rightist).

Although yes, Katniss is a little rightist, too. Except she'd fit in a LOT better with that crowd, Peeta thinks, if she were a man.

Haymitch is in District 7, learning how to work with wood. He's already mailed the Mellarks several of his accomplishments. Katniss keeps them all in an overlooked cabinet at the house. Although Peeta doesn't tell Haymitch that, of course.

One time, in subtle retaliation, Katniss mailed back her own essay on existentialism. (It was just a blank pamphlet.)

Peeta admits that as much as he loves Katniss, he'd kill to be where Haymitch is now (i.e. away from his wife). With that said, he tries to smile, and asks Haymitch how Effie's doing in wedlock (i.e. whether she becomes a scary blonde nudist werewolf half the time).

Haymitch laughs, and admits that Effie's doing great. He swears that Effie's the best thing humanity's ever invented since Laura Bush.

For some reason, Peeta can't stand talking about Effie's appeal with one of his best friends. He breaks down, and confesses to Haymitch that he feels like he's losing Katniss. What's even worse, he might be falling for not one, but TWO different women now. He also thinks he might be falling for his boss at work-who isn't even a human.

Haymitch chuckles, and encourages Peeta to calm down. He thinks he knows what Peeta's going through. Months ago, he and Effie had a similar falling out. And he recalls feeling exactly how Peeta's feeling about Katniss now: that Effie would leave him, and that he'd be a sitting fawn for the cougars-or whatever one calls it when a man would've made great cougar bait as a boy, but because he stopped being twenty-five decades ago...

Peeta stops Haymitch right there, and asks what Haymitch did next. Obviously, he still loves Effie, after all; so he DID do something next.

Not that Peeta doesn't love Katniss. He just...wishes Katniss were more available...as the hideous beastly brunette coal miner's daughter he fell in love with before the Hunger Games.

Haymitch went to the mental health clinic. The AI there prescribed this medicine. Haymitch took it home, and took a high dosage of it. After that, it was like he and Effie never had any problems.

Now, Haymitch is worried that the AI won't just give it to Peeta because he asks for it, so he's going to mail Peeta the spare bottle he has of it. He'll keep just enough of it for himself, to step himself off while waiting for the AI to prescribe him a refill, but Peeta will definitely get the amount he needs to mend fences with Katniss.

Peeta almost jokes that he's worried that Katniss will find the medicine in his things and mistake it for catnip. But then he remembers that's Gale's joke.

Peeta tells Haymitch he appreciates this. He also mindlessly tells Haymitch to say hi to Effie for him during their next long-distance chat.

With that, Peeta creeps out of the outhouse. He looks around. It's quiet up here, aside from the trees and the birds. Perfect; either Katniss isn't Katlanna yet, or she's lost his scent.

He sighs, and starts taking down the wireless equipment. At long last, a possible solution to his...marital problems, just as soon as it comes from Haymitch in the mail.