Chapter 4

This is what you get when you think of yourself as Cinderella. A lonely walk home in the dark, humiliation instead of the prince. Fairytales say nothing about it, and Julia starts to get why. This is a part of a story no one would like to explore. She was an idiot. What did Kim say? Do not give your neck unless you enjoy being bitten. She willingly gave her neck them to sink their fangs in. It might not even be a metaphor, speaking about the foxes. And she thought-she let herself think-they were cute, handsome, all four. She had a brief thought that maybe she would be able to go on a date with one of them. She tried to banish those thoughts, tried to be a realist but still that stubborn flash of hope was growing with every minute of their conversation only to be smashed into small pieces in front of everyone.

The night is chill. Her rage kept her warm for about two blocks but it's starting to get colder and suddenly Julia realizes that she forgot her jacket on the porch along with her phone and wallet. She freezes in hesitation. There is no way for her to come back, even to pick up her things. But if her classmates find her phone they might get ideas. Breaking it or throwing away is the most innocent thing they can come up with. Still, she decides not to go. They had enough fun on her account.

She is so caught up in her thoughts that a car breaking near her startles her. Julia raises her hand to do a defence spell when the window is lowered and Julia realizes that this is her mother. She looks both amused and irritated at the same time.

"What are you playing at? Defence spell against your good old mom?"

First Julia sighs in relief, then tries to put on the coldest face she's capable of. She needs her defence. 

"You can never be too careful."

"That's right. Also, you can pay attention, this way you'll be able to differentiate your mother from an attacker."

"Will do," Julia grits through her teeth but keeps walking.

"Sit in the car," her mother says. This is an order. Too bad. Now they will have a conversation. Julia obeys but sits in the backseat to give herself an illusion of space. This way she can only see the back of her mother's neck and the waves of curly hair falling over her bare shoulders. Helga had a date this evening. Unlike Julia, she has no trouble with communication at all. 

"How was your date?" Julia asks.

"Sweet but too old-fashioned," mother says calmly. This is all she is going to say on the matter. She rarely gives her daughter more than two words characteristic of her suitors and Julia has never in her life met one of them. Helga stated that she liked to keep her romantic and family life separate. Julia wonders if her dates even knew she had a daughter. "I didn't know you planned to go out tonight."

"It was a spontaneous decision." A lie. She prepared for two weeks.

"Interesting. I heard Mandy was throwing a party," Helga says. Julia doesn't say anything.

"Did she invite you?"

"She invited everyone."

"You went there," Helga says. It's not a question. "But it's a bit early for a party to be over."

Julia is quiet. She knows where this is going but she is not intended to make her mother's job easier.

"Which means that something happened. Judging by the state of you, I'd assume there was yet another miscommunication."

"The state of me?" Julia says in her most sardonic tone.

"Julia, what did you do?"

"Nothing!" Julia says, insulted. "But of course, you would assume I am to blame. You don't even know what happened."

"What happened then?" Helga asks and her voice is calm, serene even. This is a voice she reserves for difficult clients. And for her own mother.

"How about everyone picking on me all night? How about them accusing me of something I didn't do? And when they found out it wasn't me, no one even apologized, they just went on with their evening as if nothing happened. And – oh, my favourite part – the person who did this something wasn't thrown out or anything, he didn't get even a funny look, because if he did it – that's fine."

"What is this something we are talking about?"

"I'm not telling, I'm not a rat."

"Language," her mother says imperiously. Julia looks out the window. The car turns on the crossroad and drives to Winn Alley. The roof of their house, towering over other buildings in the street becomes visible. There is a long pause, and Julia starts to think that mother has forgotten about her when suddenly she speaks again.

"I know you don't want to hear what I have to say but I think you need to," the tension goes back in Julia's body.  "Why do you think they treated you so differently? That boy who did something and you?"

"Because they hate me!" Julia says. "He's new, and everyone treats him like a celebrity because he's from Gata. I'm a scapegoat."

"I see," Helga says. "Do you think that is all?"

"Do you think they need a reason to hate me?"

"I'm just saying it is about 50 people in your class and somehow you are the one they have a problem with. A new kid is supposed to be an easy target, don't you think? Still, he managed to put himself in a position where no one wanted to quarrel with him. You, however, are always in a position where everyone wants to fight you. I don't think that's a coincidence."

"So, basically, you're saying everything is my fault."

"I just think you might consider what provokes them that is all."

"Provokes? I was sitting on the porch. I wasn't talking to anyone. Why are you on their side?"

"I'm on your side," Helga stops the car near their house and turns to look at the backseat. "I worry about you. As your mother, I want you to live the best life. I want you to be able to connect with people. I don't like to hear about all these fights with your classmates. Julia, this is just school. You will graduate this year and it'll only get harder. I don't want you to be a hermit."

"Well, I tried to connect to people today and see what happened."

"You do not hear a word that I say, do you?" Helga sighs. "Maybe that's the problem. If you were able not to look at yourself as a victim, your life would be so much easier. And maybe you would be able to fix things with Mandy."

Rage starts boiling in Julia's chest again.

"Don't tell me about Mandy!"

"Sweetheart, you were friends since kindergarten. This kind of relationship doesn't just go away without a trace. If you only tried a little harder-"

"What?"

"Mandy says you changed a lot. She doesn't recognize you, that's why it's so hard for her to communicate with you."

"You talk to Mandy?" Julia's heart starts to beat faster. Helga laughs.

"Of course not. I would never embarrass you like that, I know you need your independence. Linz and I are still friends and we are allowed to share concerns about our kids in our mom's circle. Linz is worried too. She talked to Mandy."

"I see," Julia says. Her voice is dull but her mind is far from calm. Is this how it is going to be forever? Will Mandy poison every person in her life she's able to reach? Even her mother chooses Mandy, isn't that amazing? How does she even do it?

Helga reaches her hand to Julia's cheek.

"It's going to take time for people to trust you again, Julia, but they won't be able to do it if you push them away."  Julia doesn't have a better response to this than pushing her mother's hand away and getting the hell out of the car. Running is definitely a recurring theme of this evening. Helga doesn't stop her.

"Change and go down for dinner," she says closing the car door carefully.

Julia storms out to her room, overwhelmed with fury. She kicks the rubbish bin standing near the door but it doesn't help to soothe her. Her room is so neat, tidy. This is the first thing Helga taught her ever, to keep her stuff in order. And she was so good at that. Now it seems like a room belongs to a stranger. A pink comforter covers the bed, the flowers on the windowsill, the shelf full of books, mostly modern and progressive. Posters of her favourite bands on the wall, all the good music, a bit aggressive, a bit controversial but not too much, nothing too radical. Julia opens her drawers and looks at the stack of neatly folded clothes. She feels suffocated. It's like there is no room for her in her own room. She's someone else now, someone messy, angry and disgusting and the person who set up this room was gone if she ever existed in the first place. Julia starts to doubt it. Such a reasonable girl would have never gotten into the mess Julia is in right now. 

She opens the top drawer of her dressing table and looks at her jewellery set. One thing catches her attention, an old cheap shell bracelet Mandy did for her a hundred years ago. She was into handicrafts when they were in sixth grade. Julia never had the heart to throw it away, no matter how tough the last term was for her but now the decision in regard to the bracelet comes easily. She tears up the string and shells fall on the floor. Julia steps on them and scatters in the different corners of the room. It gives her a hint of satisfaction. It feels good but it's not enough. Suddenly Julia remembers that she is at home and doesn't have to worry about the spell control. Helga always relied on her good conscience and sense of responsibility. Julia whispers the spell and raises her hand up. All the small objects in the room follow the command and get off the surfaces they stand on rising higher and higher. All her trinkets, jewellery, books, vases, chairs and shelves. Julia repeats the formula and sharps her hand downward. There is a thud, ramble and clang, the sound is deafening. There is debris and shrapnel everywhere, and her hands and face are in little cuts now because she didn't bother with a protective spell. Feels good. Still not enough. Julia remembers a spell Mandy and she found once in a library, reading some magician's journal for a history project. The spell was not registered anywhere, and they never dared to try it but she is willing to do it now. Another whisper and the room shakes as if there is an earthquake. The light is out and there is dust, so much dust she starts coughing. Her head is dizzy from the dust and she falls to her knees. Julia hears someone's steps and recognizes her mother's voice.

"Julia? Are you alright? What have you done?"

Julia opens her eyes. Her mother clicks her fingers and a small globe of light appears in the room. Mother's hands trace her face and hands, whispering the healing spell, her eyes widen in fear and for a moment her concern feels so good Julia allows herself to press her head to mother's hands. She hasn't done it in a long time, she's eighteen after all, and Helga is not a cuddling mother but right now she desperately needs to feel that her mother is frightened, to see that she tries to help.

"There you go," Helga says, examining Julia's hands. "Not a scratch. Good as new."  Julia wants to say something, a thank you maybe, or an apology, she wants to keep this little moment of warmth, to continue it by all means possible but Helga is pulling herself together and looks around. Julia does too, seeing the room is empty except the thick layers of black dust lying on the floor. The dust covers Julia too, it reaches her ankles, her feet drowned in it. Helga's face turns pale.

"You did this?" she asks. "What possessed you?"

Julia doesn't know what to say. Confessing the urgent need for destruction is probably not the best course, considering Helga's ideas of how her daughter should behave.

"A spell went wrong," Julia says, trying to sound earnest but she sees disbelief on her mother's face.

"Really? What kind of spell?" Julia is silent. "You would better know the answer or how do you expect me to restore everything?" It is a valid point but the idea of telling her mother she tried an unregistered spell seems a way worse perspective for Julia than not having her room back.

"Julia, tell me." There is an imperious tone again but this time it doesn't work. "Very well. I suggest you sleep near the kitchen then."

"Not in the guest room?" Julia asks. They have three guest rooms and the living room is big enough for three people to fit in. But Helga obviously decides to make a statement.

"Yeah, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the idea of leaving you on your own in those spaces. I am very attached to our furniture after all. You may think that I'm just churning money out of nowhere but I actually worked hard to provide us with this house. I'd like to avoid rebuilding the house."

Julia is a bit surprised at the direction she takes. It should have been obvious that a spell causing the destruction of all furniture in the house was very powerful and probably illegal. Her mother is too smart not to understand that but still, she ignores it and focuses on the small unimportant things. Furniture. House. They hardly are that significant in the light of a bigger problem Julia and Helga have. But her mother refuses to acknowledge it.

"Dinner is ready," she says. "Let's eat."

They dine in complete silence, each of them too focused on her own thoughts but this is the only sign of distress in the house. Everything else is normal. Julia serves the table because Helga cooked and she believes in the division of labor. She takes Saturday plates with pretty bird ornaments, it's their tradition. They eat salad, and it's delicious as usual. Helga takes out two candies from the cupboard.

"To spoil ourselves a little bit," she says. This is their standard procedure, it hasn't changed since Julia was five. Julia has a feeling that even if the world was ending her mother would still be sitting in her polished-to-a-shine kitchen, drinking coffee, and having this confident calm look like she was rising above everything that is going on. When they finish, Helga cleans the plates and kisses Julia goodnight. She goes out of the kitchen when Julia decides to speak again.

"I will never go to school again," she says firmly and decisively but she suspects that is not how Helga hears it. Her mother only stops for one second to turn around and look at her. Then she shrugs and keeps walking and Julia feels defeated. She doesn't need words to understand what it means. Monday morning, she will be at school as usual and nothing Julia says on the subject matters. 

The room near the kitchen is the smallest in the whole house. It only holds a place for a bed and a chair, nothing more. Julia falls on the bed and stares at the ceiling. She wouldn't be able to sleep if she wanted to. The storm of all feelings from tonight didn't become any easier even after she literally destroyed her room. She's even more confused, more bitter now. Her world is falling apart and there is nothing she can do to stop it. There is no one she can talk to.

Julia sits up and quietly moves toward the front door. Helga is probably sleeping already but she can never be too careful. She sneaks to the porch and sits on the step with a deep sigh. What now? Does she want to leave the house to see this frightened expression on Helga's face once more? Does she want to do more trouble, more destruction to make the pain go away? Both but she won't do it. She only has the energy to sit on the porch and stare at the lawn.

She hears a quiet noise near the fence but doesn't worry too much. Helga has the best alarm system, no one is able to come to their house uninvited. She becomes less sure of it when she sees two silhouettes sneaking toward her in the dark. Julia gasps but then realization comes to her immediately. The silhouettes have four legs, fluffy tales and elongated muzzles. They come closer and Julia sees something shiny in the fox's closed mouth. Her phone. The fox stops a few steps aside from her and carefully puts the phone on the ground. His brother sits near him.

"Am I supposed to say thank you?" Julia asks. The fox makes a sound something between the weeping and the cough and Julia hears some apologetic notes in it but she can't be sure. She only ever met foxes in their more eloquent human form. 

"I don't know what you're saying," she says. Whatever they have in mind, she is not going to welcome them. She had enough.

"Better leave before I call my mother," Julia says. The second fox makes a sound, which reminds laughter. "What's so funny?" she asks. 

The foxes just turn around and leave, slowly disappearing into the darkness. If the goal was to confuse her, it was successful. It was nice of them to return her phone. They even tried to protect her earlier. They also accepted the invitation of her enemy as if nothing happened. Julia shivers. Enemy. It's weird how easily this word is rooted in her head. Until this night, she never referred to Mandy like that. 

"Is it okay time to talk to you?" somebody asks from the other side of the fence and Julia jumps on the porch. "Sorry, didn't mean to startle you."

She recognizes this quiet voice with the note of laziness immediately and instantly flares up. 

"How did you find me?"

"Followed the foxes. They are pretty good at chasing the smell," Jatan says.

"I'm pretty sure that qualifies like stalking," Julia says.

"You didn't have the problem with twins as I noticed."

"At least they tried to return my things," Julia says. Her phone still lies on the ground. "What's your excuse?"

"I wanted to apologize," Jatan says. "I suppose what I did is not acceptable here. In Gata, everyone did that, all the time. These spells-they are not considered harmful-or at least they were not until recently."

"Why should I even listen to you?" Julia says. "Why should I trust any of your words?"

There is a silence for a moment.

"Maybe you shouldn't. But from what I've seen tonight I thought you would be able to understand what it's like to make a serious mistake."

Julia is thankful it's dark. She doesn't want him to be able to see her face right now.

"You don't know what you are talking about," she hisses. 

"Perhaps," he says. "But what you did-it was not so far from what I did, right?"

"I didn't do anything!" Julia groans. How many times did she say these words to herself and to others? It's not the full truth but it's close enough. "And guess what, for the thing I didn't do I'm still paying. Why should you get off easy?"

"Uh, this is a payback then?" Jatan asks.

"So what if it is? Why should I even be bothered about your feelings? You didn't take mine into account when you put a spell on me!"

He sighs.

"Fine," tired, sad voice. "Sorry, I bothered you. Won't happen again. I really am sorry though."

The sadness in his voice makes her feel something resembling guilt but Julia is too tired to reflect on that. Her emotions from this evening are mixed up in one big tangle of pain and she is unable to separate one feeling from another, to know what or who caused what exactly. She doesn't even want to. Untangling her feelings will bring reasonable logical Julia back and she's so sick of her. She keeps sitting on the porch, sleepless until the dawn comes. At some point, Julia closes her eyes and when she opens them it's nine am already and Helga calls her to have breakfast. All the yesterday night encounters seem unreal. Could she make them up? Was it just a dream? Julia looks at the ground. Her phone which she never bothered to pick up still lies there.