WHAT WAS I AFRAID OF?

{Do it now.} Ben prompted through the mindlink.

Our elders had suddenly gone quiet at Beta Gerald's suggestion that Bell would "of course" want my approval for whom he should select to complete his core leadership. Minimally, he'd need a beta and a gamma, but I'm not going to repeat the convoluted game of musical chairs with their beta and gamma positions, nor the nominations for the "interim executive gamma" position which was really a farce for Bell to set in motion some political infighting.

I don't think Bell actually cared about my opinion about anything - my mate was more of the kind of guy who knew what he wanted, and got what he wanted, by hook or by crook - which wasn't really a compliment. Even so, Boo naturally had to admire his strength of character. (Strength of bad character was also character.)

Not that I was saying Bell was BAD, I mean, the thought of that made me feel sick to the stomach. My mate wasn't going to be the bad guy. He was just the anti-hero guy. Yeah… Sigh. I don't think I had so much to worry about as a pup.

I used to be so much more carefree. I didn't even have to worry about myself when I was a pup - mum would always do all the worrying for me. But now, it was like every wolf who ran with me also came with his own laundry list of dubious items that needed to be sorted, washed, and ironed out.

Like literally, EVERY wolf with me.

{Sam, hurry.} Ben prompted again.

Case in point. Ben. The guy who was supposed to have a level of IQ that a mortal like me couldn't even imagine the heights of, and yet he was also the guy who always took the hardest hit at every run.

I wondered if Ben would ever wake up one morning and think, "What the hell am I doing?"

What was the use of a mensa certification if you never learned your lesson?

{Do it, Sam!} Ben was being very insistent.

{Do WHAT, Ben?} I was a little annoyed at being bugged, but Ben didn't let my annoyance faze him one whit, {The insight spell. Try casting the spell now. See what everyone is thinking.}

I shook my head before I even considered it. {I can't cast a spell on Dad!}

Ben was quick to compromise, {Then at everyone else. Come on, Sam. Try it.}

I probably would have. My hair raised a little, and I lifted one hand. The words were just at the tip of my tongue. I opened my mouth...

But then I shut my mouth again. My lucky sense of direction was going off like spider sense tingling. I put down my hair.

But of course the whole room had noticed and looked over.

"What is it, Sam?" Dad asked. His thinking frown was still on.

"I urm..." What could I say? What was I even doing here? Oh right, "What did you want to see me for?"

Ben face palmed. He obviously didn't think I was doing the right thing. Beta Lucas gave his son a censuring look, but decided at the same moment, that he should speak on my Dad's behalf.

"Sam..." Beta Lucas paused, so I knew he was trying to phrase something important, "Your dad just wanted to tell you personally how proud he is of you."

Okay… I looked at my Dad who cleared his throat and then lifted up a large brown envelope that was on his desk, "Yes, ah, your first term results are here."

And then as if remembering the other men, "But perhaps we might finish up this meeting first, Lucas."

Dad leaned back in his large chair, wheeling it a little closer to hand me the envelope, "Here. Good job, Sam. We can talk more over dinner."

Wait, that was the urgent thing my Dad needed to see me for?

I looked down at the brown envelope in my hand, it felt surprisingly stiff in my hand for a piece of result slip. It was also the largest envelope I had ever seen used to mail a result slip before. My elementary school didn't even mail the results slips - they just gave it to us kids to bring it home to our parents. Like what could go wrong? Hahaha.

Anyway, its not like I had any other high school result slip experience to compare this one to.

"Okay." I stood up from the bay window, "Thanks, Dad. I'll see you later."

The betas and gammas suddenly stood up too.

I ducked my head at my elders and make a quick escape. It was weird, in my Dad's office, for all these men to keep standing up suddenly like that.

Ben shut the door behind me quietly.

{What?} I asked. Was he mad because I didn't cast the flame of insight spell?

{My dad said to bring you to the Alpha Office quick.} Ben shrugged, {I wondered what was so exciting. Turned out it was just a result slip…}

Oh. Yeah, that was weird.

{Or was it really because of a result slip?} Ben asked when I didn't question it.

{The Lorent meeting must have addled your brain.} I told him, {If Dad said this was it, then this was it.}

I waved the brown envelope was we walked down the stairs to the main floor. I was going home to open my result slip in the safety of my golden clamshell bed.

Since I was old enough to remember, I would always bring my results home and open it on my bed - alone if I could help it. I had never been a very good student. On a good term, I'd bring home Bs and As. On a bad term… maybe a few Cs and an occasional D. Back in elementary school, if my friend wanted to see my result slip, I'd say, "Okay, I'll show it to you, but don't tell me what it is."

I wouldn't look till I got home to the safety of my bed. I think it was because I was afraid of what I'd find in the envelope. I always felt there was a chance that I'd be completely disappointed in what I'd find in it. Maybe I had thought it was a good term, but it turned out to be quite a opposite.

{Don't you ever wonder though?} Ben asked.

{Wonder what?} I asked.

{Like why didn't you cast that insight spell?} Ben asked, {What if, say they had called you to come quick because of something else completely, and then they changed their minds, and your dad picked up the envelope right in front of him and gave that to you instead?}

Gasp! Was Ben questioning his alpha? How sacrilegious! Haha.

I shook my head, {Dad'll never do anything like that.}

Not to me. Like why would he even need to?

{Well, he seemed to have planned to talk to you about it at dinner time.} Ben pointed out.

I shook my head again. That just didn't make any sense. I mean, if Dad did mean to tell me something else and changed his mind, he could've just brushed it off with a, "Oh, it's alright. I meant to ask you about something, but we settled it."

And I wouldn't have questioned it either.

{What are you afraid of, Sam?} Ben asked.

{What do you mean?} I asked.

{Well…} Ben shrugged, and hesitated - which was rare for Ben, {It's none of my business anyway.}

{But…} I prompted.

{But I've been wondering…} Ben started again, and then he stopped himself, {It's nothing, Sam. Forget it.}

We were on the porch of the Alpha House now. Ben let me in directly into the pool room from the sliding door. Immediately the sound of quick and sure footsteps followed by the appearance of Wolfgang, Fluffy smiling at heel.

Wolfgang stopped and bowed in front of us.

"Princess is here." Ben suddenly reverted back to proper beta mode.

"Welcome home, princess." Wolfgang and Fluffy bowed politely.

Okay, I wasn't going to get used to this anytime soon either.

Wolfgang had wanted to tutor me on my written lycan. He had even enlisted Fluffy's help. Fluffy knew all three main written lycan styles. This was amazing especially since two of the three were so ancient, they were displayed in museums. We could compare the scripts and discuss the evolution of our ancient language - a delightful way to spend a Saturday afternoon, I'm sure.

Ben excused himself the first chance he got and it took a while to get Wolfgang and Fluffy off my back. I had to tell them that I just received my result slip, and then when they looked at me in anticipation, I had to tell them that I wanted to open it ALONE.

Eventually, I did get my way (because I was the alpha). I shut my bedroom door determined to ignore the fact that I had Professor Hotstuff and Prince Fluffy standing in wait for me outside my bedroom. If they wanted to pretend to be in some lycan period drama and wait on me, that's their problem. I needed my own space to look at my results.

I sat crisscrossed apple sauce in the middle of my lemon-scented and prettily made bed and put the envelope in front of me. Okay, I THINK I did well this term. I mean, Dad did say, "'Good job."

But what didn't Dad say? Suddenly Ben's words of wondering popped back into my mind. What if… I mean, not that I was doubting my Dad, but what if Ben was right, and Dad was hiding something from me?

Then it should be fine, right? I mean, if Dad was keeping something from me, then it must be for my own good. It'll be better not to know.

Right?

Right. I looked back at the envelope sitting in front of me. Its flap had already been peeled and torn open. I put my hand in it and was quite surprised to feel a plastic sheet. I pulled it out, it was a file. No wonder the envelope felt stiff. Wow, this was the fanciest result slip I had ever gotten.

The file was a clear L-file, but I had taken it out upside down, so I could only see the white back of the document inside. I paused again feeling quite sure that I would see the result slip if I flipped the file over.

What was I afraid of?

Ben's words echoed again in my mind.

I mean, I wasn't afraid. Maybe just a little nervous about what I'd see when I turn the file over.

But Ben wasn't talking about my results. He was talking about my Dad. Why didn't I use my Flame of Insight on him? Why didn't I question him when he "urgently" called me to his office to hand me an envelope which he only meant to talk to me about over dinner tonight?

What was I afraid of?

I mean, I never thought I was afraid, just respectful. My dad was the Alpha and a dang good one too.

But what if… WHAT IF Dad turned out to be less good than I want him to be? Would I be disappointed? Could it be that I never questioned Dad because I never want my dad to be wrong? My dad was the Alpha. The Alpha was always right. Right?

Wait, no. I was well aware that Dad was wrong about a lot of things. For example, what length a garment had to be for it to be a dress, or what age a teenager should get their own mobile line (he had said 18, our mating year, but I had bargained it down to our shifting year.)

Also, most recently, Dad saying I was only allowed to kiss till I was 45. Now that was just obvi stoooopid.

But no matter what Dad said, I never doubted that he didn't mean what he said. The Alpha never lied. The Alpha's words were power. And I had never, ever, heard my dad lie or cuss - not even once, ever. In my whole life.

I know everyone else did it. But MY DAD didn't. My dad was the Alpha.

But what if I did use the Flame of Insight spell, I wondered what that would reveal. And Ben was right, I was afraid. A part of me was sure I'd find that my Dad was the good straightforward alpha who loved me and "thought the world" of me - that was what he told me.

But what if.

I shook my head, even though Ben wasn't here. I even spoke aloud to myself, "So be it."

This was probably the result of overhearing too many Lorent plots, but even if Dad was actually some kind of mad maverick strategist that was planning to use me to merge the entire Green Packlands, and then use Savy and Sabre to secure his position and become King of the Continent, I would support him. He's my dad, and it's not like he's evil. Dad had always been a good alpha who took care of his wolves. The continent would probably be better off with him as king.

Yeah, I don't have to know if he doesn't want to tell me. It wasn't that ignorance is bliss. It was just a matter of trust. I trusted my Dad even though I didn't always understand what he was thinking. It's not like a blind trust either. I had known him all my life. I don't know why I let Ben get to me like that. It was probably the Lorents… all that plotting only plants suspicion and distrust.