Hello, I Love You

Shinobu picked up the call in the middle of a report without looking at the caller ID. His laptop's screen flashed a PowerPoint presentation. The documents sprawled across and the eighth cup of coffee for that day made a mess of his desk.

"Kurosawa."

A small silence.

"Shinobu."

His fingers tightened around the phone. "Ren."

Another moment of quiet before the voice asked, almost timidly, "Did I call at a wrong time?"

"No," Shinobu raked through his hair, trying to loosen himself up. "How are you?"

"I'm doing fine," Ren replied. "I passed all my papers. I have a job offer at a publication house."

"Good," Shinobu could only manage. "Congratulations."

"How have you been?"

"Busy. It's typical for an analyst."

"Miss being a student now, don't you?" Ren teased, with an almost wistful tone.

"No." Even Shinobu knew that he was being terse. He didn't mean to sound so cold. It was the only way he could control the shaking in his voice.

Ren was going to say something when he was interrupted by a voice in the background.

A male voice. Shinobu tensed.

"You go ahead first. I'll ring the bell!" Ren called out to whoever it was before turning back to their conversation. "Sorry, I am out with someone at the moment."

"A friend?" Shinobu inquired.

"Yeah," Ren said all too quickly. Then he added almost too quietly, "No. It's..we've been out on a few dates. We share the same classes."

It took all of Shinobu's willpower not to break something, hurt something, anything to numb the sudden pain in his chest, ease the suffocation in his throat.

Yet, all he did was to ask, "Going well?"

There was a sharp intake of breath. Then Ren replied almost mechanically, "So far, so good. He's nice. Family's in shipping."

"That's great," Shinobu offered politely. He stood up and gripped the sides of the desk. "I hope-"

Ren cut him off sharply. "I am at the street below his apartment. We just had dinner at a really fancy restaurant. I drank so much I can't think straight."

"Ren," Shinobu warned.

Ren bit out every word vehemently, heatedly in a whisper. "He thinks I've never been with a man. He hasn't even kissed me. Tonight, he is going to try and he is going to kiss me, hold me and fuck me. Are you listening to me?"

"Why are you telling me this?" Shinobu asked icily, even as he felt his world crashing down.

"Forget it," Ren whispered. "You don't understand anything."

"Why?" Shinobu hissed, raising his voice.

"Because I want you to tell me to stop!" Ren shouted. He choked, as if almost in tears. "I want you to tell me not to go up with him. I want you to be angry at me for even thinking about it. I want you to yell at me that you'd kill me if I do it."

"Idiot," Shinobu flexed his hands, afraid that he would actually break something.

"It's not working," Ren sounded as if he was suffocating. "I've tried and it's not working."

Shinobu knew precisely what Ren meant. They have both tried and neither could move on. He had done everything he could in the past eighteen months to forget. He had drowned himself in school and then work, put in the extra hours not to impress but to kill time, took dangerous amounts of sleeping pills or alcohol when he couldn't close his eyes without thinking of the man on the phone right now.

"Tell me to come home," Ren whispered finally. "Please, Shin."

Shinobu's breath faltered. He forced himself to loosen his grip on the phone.

Then he steadied his voice.

"Come home," he told Ren. Then a warning. "And I'll fucking kill you if you sleep with him."

Ren gasped and then a relieved laugh. Shinobu smiled and for the first time in a year and a half, he could feel the warm feeling he used to have when they were together returning.

"I guess I better tell him I am going home," Ren sounded lighter, happier.

"Yes," Shinobu ordered. "Now."

"Okay!" Ren complied cheerfully. "Um, it's late but can I call you when I get back to my place?"

It was 3.00 a.m. in the morning but Shinobu couldn't care less. "Fine. I'll wait for you."

When they hung up, he sat back on his chair and a feeling of disbelief coursed through him. Shinobu rubbed his face with his hands and then after a while, he laughed.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ren didn't bother taking off his coat and dialled Shinobu's number the moment he was inside his apartment. In the midst of joy, a crazy notion had hit his brain that he might just be imagining everything or that he was intoxicated beyond measure.

Shinobu picked up on the first ring.

"Hi," Ren began breathlessly.

"Hi."

He had planned to say all sorts of things in the cab ride back to his apartment.

Instead, he blurted out, "You can't back out now."

Ren wanted to kick himself. What was that? Where were his grand confessions? Meaningful speeches? Mature conversations people were supposed to have when they got back together?

"I mean-" Ren tried again.

"I won't. Not now. Not ever," Shinobu cut through fiercely.

Forget poetic verses and dramatic declarations.

Ren's heart stilled as those six words encapsulated everything he wanted and needed to hear.

"Shinobu," he whispered.

"I should have told you back then," Shinobu continued, regret clouding his voice. "I'm sorry-"

"No, I shouldn't have said all those awful things!" Ren interrupted him as his emotions threatened to overwhelm him. "I was just so scared when you didn't try to stop me."

"What?"

"You were so calm about it. You didn't even look upset."

"No, I thought that you deserve better."

"What kind of stupid thinking is that?"

"Fine, that was stupid. You didn't need to worry though."

"I was afraid that maybe you got tired or bored or-"

"Why the hell did you think that?"

"Because I love you, you idiot!" Ren shouted.

"Damn it, Ren! I love you too!" Shinobu shouted back. "I'm fucking crazy about you!"

Stillness.

Then the two of them started chuckling and before they knew it, they were both laughing hysterically.

It was probably a mix of alcohol, overdose of caffeine and exhaustion. Whatever the reason, it was some time before they could stop and lapsed into a strange, surreal silence. Ren found himself collapsed on his couch.

"Shin?" he whispered as he stared at his ceiling.

"Yeah?"

"I'm crazy about you too."

"Good," Shinobu's deep voice caused his stomach to twist.

"You probably should go to sleep soon," Ren murmured.

"I should," Shinobu said wryly.

"I'll call again tomorrow," Ren promised with a stupid grin on his face. He wondered if Shinobu was smiling too.

"Okay."

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ren cradled the phone against his ear as he dumped the clothes he had folded into the luggage. A couple of boxes marked for shipping stacked neatly in the living room. He didn't have much in the flat, which was an odd thing for him.

Maybe he had always known that this was temporary.

"Yeah, I am almost packed," he said cheerfully into the phone. "Do you want anything? I can get you one of those cheesy mugs."

The person on the other line said something which made him laughed.

"Okay, no cheesy mug then," Ren agreed. "I'll surprise you."

He finished with the clothes and then turned his attention to the various items on the bed. He smiled to himself when he picked up the wrapped package.

"Yeah, we can start looking at places when I am back," he felt a warm familiar feeling enveloping him. "I have a week free before I start. I can check some places out while you're at work."

He listened for a while. "Ah. I'll call you before boarding."

The person on the other line started to say something before a commotion in the background demanded his attention.

"See you soon," Ren murmured.

The reply caused him to smile like a retard. When he hung up, Ren sighed happily. He placed the package carefully in the hand luggage.