This is NOT Cool

"Life is good. A new car, a gorgeous girlfriend, a fun job… yeah. Life is good." Shiv said contentedly before his new sports car was ironically slammed into by a semi truck.

His car spun wildly several times before coming to a stop off the road next to the drop off into the Grand Canyon. He sat there in shock for a moment before quickly unbuckling his seat belt and getting out of the car. He ran around it to the back where the truck had run into him and could only stare with horror at the destruction that was now the back of his car.

"Gah. I don't want to check on the moron who slammed into me." He said as he did exactly that. He ran toward the truck, which had come to a stop lodged in the railing at the edge of the cliff. In that space in between the vehicles, he suddenly stopped and looked at the busy road next to him with a horrible feeling. His eyes widened as they absorbed the sight before them: another semi-truck with an unconscious driver barreling directly toward him.

"I can take the hit." He yelled as he dove out of the way… but it wasn't far enough. Or maybe the truck changed direction just enough to clip him. Either way, Shiv was sent flying over the railing and into the canyon.

Falling at incredible speeds, he closed his eyes.

"Oh, goodie! My great hero has arrived. Although, it normally doesn't take two trucks," Shiv opened his eyes to find himself in a void, with small specks that resemble stars all around him. The man that spoke was dressed like a businessman and his hair was slicked back.

"Okay, Mr. Hero, I need you to take on the burden of the last hero and succeed where he failed. You have to—"

"What do you mean 'last hero'? Two trucks? You owe me a car. A very nice, expensive one. What did you fail to do?" Shiv interrupted and spoke rapidly as he looked around with concern.

The man in the suit looked down at the watch on his wrist and sighed.

"The last hero was the hero before you… And, yes? There were two trucks," the man took a deep breath, "What kind of idiot are you supposed to be? I didn't fail to do anything… rather you didn't know that I was the one that failed and it's rude to assume. Now look at all the time you wasted."

The man glanced at his watch again before continuing, "I found you a body and left you a little something. I'm off to have tea with someone who won't give me a headache."

The man in the suit waved his hand and Shiv's world went black.

"Oh, and don't forget to destroy the world when you get there." The suited man's voice rings in his mind.

Shiv blinked, and upon opening his eyes, found himself to be in a completely different place. Tall trees stretched toward the sky, and dark shadows were being cast all around him. He groaned and sat up, seeing with horror several gaping gashes on his chest quickly closing. He was covered in blood, dirt, and sweat, and the suffocating heat wasn't helping anything.

"What the hell is happening to me?" He groaned aloud as he fell on his back again and closed his eyes.

"Well now," a gravelly voice says, "I just got through killing you. Why did you have to go and… turn into a different person? I am not sure what you have done, but on the inside you certainly are not the one who just launched a water javelin through my mothers heart."

Shiv, with terror written across his features, looks up at the talking wolf, who was the size of a big dog. "I'm not afraid of you." He said shakily.

"I may have awfully large teeth, but I won't eat you. I just got through killing the boy who killed my mother. The only business I have with you is out of curiosity."

The wolf paced towards Shiv and sniffed him, "Hah! I wonder…" The wolf licked Shiv where one of his wounds had just healed, "You really do. You have mystery and intrigue rolling off of your body."

"Alright, first. Why are you talking? Who gave you the authority to talk?" Shiv said as he got up and brushed dirt off of his stinking torso. "And why is it so hot and humid?"

"You can worry about the heat later. For now, I would recommend you move out of the way so you don't get impaled by a boar tusk in a few moments."

Shiv heard a lot of snorts that quickly grew louder from behind him, and turned to find out where the noise was coming from.

It was coming from a very large boar charging toward him.

"Are you gonna move? You could at least use some magic." The wolf said, sitting casually to the side.

"I can take him, and I don't need parlor tricks." Shiv said as he searched desperately for anything he could use as a weapon. He failed.

As a consequence, the boar slammed into him and he was sent flying into the air. He landed with a loud THUD! and curled into a ball with a groan as pain exploded throughout his body. "I'm getting slammed around way too much." He coughed out.

"You are getting slammed around a lot. Maybe if you would have moved… or used magic." The wolf said with the closest a wolf can get to a smirk.

"Unless you have an extra deck of cards, you won't be getting a magic show." He found a large rock with a jagged edge and picked it up. He pushed himself to his feet and looked at the boar with a serious expression that belied his joking tone. "Come at me, boar." Despite how he acted, he knew he was near the end of his rope. Just one hit from the boar had sent him flying and probably broken his ribcage, judging by the pain radiating from his torso.

The boar obeyed his order immediately, turning on its hooves and charging directly at him.

"That might hurt," the wolf said thoughtfully.

"Agreed." Shiv tried to smile, but it came out as more of a grimace than anything else. As the boar approached, all of his focus was on the boar. Each pounding step it took was one more step toward death. He crouched, the stone held in his right hand, ready to strike.

The moment came. The boar was in the perfect striking distance. He swung his stone toward its eye, impaling it… but he forgot one important detail.

He didn't dodge. The boar smacked into him, and sent him sprawling. His consciousness faded, and the last thing he saw was a giant pig snout in his face.

The wolf yawned as the boar continued its charge and quickly disappeared into the trees behind Shiv.

"You forgot to dodge, and I'm not even sure you have the ability to use magic. Ah well. Let's get you to town I suppose." The wolf raised his paw and a young sapling curled down and wrapped around Shiv. It slowly raised his body up and placed it on the wolf. When Shiv was secure on his back, the wolf took off at a trot towards the town.

Before long the town came into view. The wolf trod up to a small nondescript building and nudged the door open.

"I found a weird one. Will you heal him up, Fran?" The wolf looked at a woman sitting at the table, "I think I might be leaving for a little while whenever he wakes up. I mean, just smell him."

Fran shook her head and motioned for the wolf to bring the young man to her, "I think I'll pass on the smellin'. Just set him on the table, Uriel."

It wasn't long before Shiv started to stir. "Ugh. Everything hurts." He yelped when he saw a massive mosquito on his arm, and slapped it several times before hesitantly sitting up and looking around. "Did you put me in a blender and turn it on?"

"If you would have listened… no, that's in the past. Do you know any magic at all?" The wolf asked.

"You got a deck of cards?"

The wolf nudged Shiv's shirt with his nose and it started to constrict.

Shiv's eyes widened and he reached up to stop the shirt from choking him to death.

"Magic— has nothing to do with cards," the wolf stepped back and the shirt fell limp.

Shiv coughed. "Thanks. Now everything and my neck hurts." Internally he was more than a little curious. Magic existed? This place might not be so bad after all. "How can I make people's shirts choke them out? And where are the mountains and cold places?"

"You… probably can't make peoples shirts choke them out. But you can cause them all sorts of trouble, if you are a delinquent that is. You have to figure out magic first though. Mountains come later… cold places… those don't exist."

"Hah! That would almost be funny, if it weren't such a horrifying idea. Now, really. Where are the places with colder climates, and how do I get there?"

"There aren't… any ways for you to get to cold places, not unless you become stronger than me." The wolf said. 'Maybe saying that will let me get a few good adventures out of him. I hope he doesn't grow too fast.' He thought.

"I… think I need a second opinion." Shiv grunted and got out of the bed. He nodded respectfully to Fran, and walked out of the building. He stopped and realized he had forgotten something, so he turned back and stuck his head back in the house. "Hey, thanks, talking wolf. For bringing me back here and healing me and stuff." And with that, he left.

He walked through the main street of the town, trying not to gawk at the strange architecture and weird looking people. Is that an elf? He tried not to stare at the pointy eared midget that passed him on the street. Turning back to look where he was going, he saw a tavern. He figured that was as good a place as any to find people, so he entered the establishment.

He ignored the strange looks they were giving him because of his bloody, ripped clothing, and sat at the bar. "Hey, bartender. Where can I find a place that doesn't make you sweat buckets for taking a single step?"

The bartender looked at him briefly, then turned his attention back to the metal mug he was polishing. "There aren't any cold places here, kid. The whole bleeding planet is as hot and humid as this place. You want a drink?"

Shiv frowned. That was not what he was hoping to hear. "That's rough. Well, what about this magic stuff? I just got beat up by a boar, and I hear magic can prevent that from happening again. How do I get magic?"

This time, the bartender didn't stop cleaning the mug or even look at him when he spoke. "You can get magic the same as everyone else: leveling up."

"How do I level up?" What is this, a video game? He wondered internally.

"Go farm. You'll level up that way."

"Farm? That sounds like a horrible idea. Where can I get seeds and fertilizer? I do not want to do this."

The wolf's voice appeared in his head, "If you didn't run away, then I could have told you all of this. The general store is two stores over from the bar if you want seeds."

"Get out of my head." Shiv groaned and stood up, cutting the bartender off in the middle of his explanation. "Thanks, I've got it."

The bartender looked up again and shrugged with an annoyed shake of his head. "Kids these days." He muttered.

"Great. Now I've got to farm. I guess it's a good thing I spent my whole life on earth farming, I suppose." Shiv thought aloud.