Vol.6 Ch.132- I Am Who I Am.

I'll see you guys on December 5th at 6-9am PST.

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The umbrella extended with a loud click as it locked into place. I looked up into the dark sky, and a few stray drops of rain, carried from the wind, rolled down my face. It wasn't even sundown yet, but the sky was completely covered.

A gentle rain pelted my umbrella, and the smell of wet grass and plant life tickled my nose. When it rained like this, I felt an odd sense of peace...

Well, I typically feel at peace…but I don't, not right now, anyway.

Bowen was right. A full-blown storm would be buffeting the capital if the wards didn't have so many layers. The wards were… interesting. I wondered how they came about.

They seemed so different from everything else and remained relatively mysterious to the world. I mean, an entire race of people claimed the power of runes, yet they themselves didn't fully understand the potential. What's the secret?

An ancient form of magic long since forgotten? For example, if I was a Dwarf and had the ability to be a Runesmith, would I be able to create new runes the same way I use magic? Or are runes so unique that no matter what knowledge people may have, they can't replicate it with runes?

Interesting…interesting indeed.

My stomach churned slightly from the nervousness of tonight. I hadn't seen Sylvia since yesterday, and a lot had happened since then. Her message was rather vague. She wrote that I should come at night and alone. I felt she might be somewhat frustrated with me, but perhaps I was looking too deep into things. Sylvia clearly had a plan. I just didn't know what it was.

My thoughts drifted until a noise rose above the falling rain. I focused on the sound and recognized it as being armored feet slowly walking down a stone path. The rain left a sort of haze that made seeing into the distance difficult. I stopped under a lamp post and waited for a few moments for the figure to become visible.

Slowly a person clad from head to toe in black full-plate armor began to appear. The rain slipped down the pitch black armor and ran down the sides of the glaive. Their emerald green adventurer tag glistened with rain and flopped loosely on their neck.

They stopped just short of arm's length from me. "It is you. You are Alanis's son?" he asked me, his voice monotone.

"I am, Uncle," I responded.

He gave me a stiff nod, his helmeted head bouncing awkwardly. "I apologize. I failed you and your father back in Sandervile and at the border."

His voice was full of genuine remorse suddenly. He had never carried so much emotion in either of my previous encounters with him.

"It's fine. I'm the one who hid away from you. And if you forced me to take my mask off, I would have fought you," I said with a light shrug.

For a while, the man didn't respond. He just stared at me from behind his helmet. "Perhaps that would have been a good thing. I would never kill a child, so taking you by force would have been the natural course of our encounter. Alas, that's in the past now. I apologize once more for my failure. If I had succeeded in my quest, you would have been reunited with your family sooner."

"Are you saying you would have beaten me and everyone else?" I asked, trying to lighten his mood up just a bit.

"Of course, I would. You were nothing more than a child. I am not," he said dryly.

I chuckled awkwardly. "I wasn't alone, you know?"

"And?" he asked curiously.

I just shook my head. My attempt at banter with my uncle went right over his head. I extended a hand toward him. "Thank you for attempting to find me. It meant a lot to my father, knowing you were out there looking for me and that you wouldn't tell anyone about his survival. He put a lot of faith into you."

The Twilight Knight took a step forward and clasped my arm with his hand. "My chest swells with pride hearing that the Chief praises me so. It was only right that a knight such as myself would look for a lost child."

The Chief, huh?

I tried pulling my hand away, but he kept holding onto me, making this conversation even more awkward than before. "Are you well, Kaladin? You look tired?" he asked me while still holding onto my hand.

"Yeah, just a bit…" I cleared my throat, hoping he would let me go, but I wasn't able to get through to him either. "Say uh…I never heard your real name. I guess we are family…now…right?"

The Twilight Knight released me and tilted his head up. Rain dripped into his visor slits and he slowly lowered his helmet again. "We are indeed. Perhaps I should tell you my name…mmm," he hummed to himself.

Uh…am I…missing something? I mean, I know his last name now…what's the point of hiding his first name?

He grunted and nodded to himself. "You may call me Sir Janos," he said in a monotone.

"So, Uncle Janos?"

He shook his head slowly. "Sir Janos will do. Or Captain Janos if we were going into battle."

"Okay…"

Even after learning that we are family, this man is still awkward and stiff. I can see why Dad struggles to deal with him…was I like this?

"Does that mean you are a knight, Sir Janos?" I questioned.

"Yes, I am a knight. Emperor Brax knighted me many years ago," he sounded somewhat proud. "I suppose that makes us the same. Perhaps I should call you Sir Kaladin or Sir Shadowheart?"

Emperor Brax..ah… well, he is an Elf that is nearly as old as my father…there have probably been a few "Emperor Braxs" during his life.

"No, need. Kaladin will do just fine," I assured him. The last thing I wanted was for my uncle to call me Sir Shadowheart or Sir Kaladin.

"Impossible. My code dictates that I speak your name with the proper title, Sir Kaladin," he snapped back.

I just shrugged at his words. I had a deep feeling that no matter what I said, the man wouldn't budge. The conversation petered out after that, and both of us just stood on the pathway as rain dripped down our bodies. I wonder…

"By chance, do you have any pressing…excursions planned in the coming months?" I asked him.

He tilted his helmeted head slightly. "No."

"Would you be interested in leading a team of adventurers? I'm looking for someone, and I've narrowed down their location. I'll have the exact details in a few days," I explained. "I'd go by myself, but as you can see…I'm a bit preoccupied at the moment."

Janos remained silent, pondering my request. It's not that I didn't trust Bella, Veme, and The Stars to complete the quest. I'd just feel better about this situation if somebody like Uncle Janos led the squad. I couldn't be sure just how deep The Chapter of Despair ran when they had the backing of an entire country.

The odds of them having connections to the Adventurers Guild were high, and if they had been tracking me…then they knew exactly what I was doing and might try to intercept me. In the worst-case scenario, The Chapter of Despair would make a move against Bella and everyone else…if that were to happen…I'm not sure they would survive.

"I'll do it. Is this person you seek west or south?"

Not even a question about a payment? Well, I suppose I should just take this in stride.

"Thank you, Sir Janos, and they are west."

He nodded once. "Understood. Please make haste. If you finalize the quest in the next few days, we can leave before Keldrag Pass becomes a death trap. I would prefer to avoid The Iron Citadel if possible."

"Even you are worried about The Iron Citadel? The last time we met, you proudly declared you would slay a Lich and waltz in alone. I thought you would be more than happy to traverse it if given a chance."

"Perhaps if I was alone, yes. I typically don't engage with others on my journeys. And even I am not foolish enough to constantly delve into a dungeon for no good reason. I'm also completing your quest. Fighting uselessly will only delay me," Janos explained.

"Okay, I appreciate it. Check-in at the guild in a few days. I'll have the quest updated as soon as possible." The silence drew over us again as a large gust of wind rolled past us. I looked behind me. "Are you…going to see my father?"

"Yes."

"Are you going to hurt him or my family?"

"No."

"Are you on orders from the Shadow Clan?"

"No."

"If the Shadow Clan or the crown ordered you to kill my father, would you do it?"

"The crown? No. If the clan did, yes."

I let out a relieved sigh. If he said he had no plans to harm my father or family, then I believed him. Sir Janos was a knight in the truest sense, even if it was to his own detriment. I had a feeling this man was incapable of lying. It also helped to know exactly where his allegiances lay.

Well, for now, he isn't an enemy. So I bid farewell to my bizarre uncle.

"Have a wonderful night, Sir Kaladin."

—

Sylvia Talgan's POV

The small chime went off, signaling somebody was at the door. I put down my ingredients with a sigh. Why he felt the need to knock on the door to his own home, I'll never understand…

Or maybe it isn't him? It could be Ren or Lauren checking in on him. It has been a whole day since everything went down in class…maybe they thought now was a good time to see him?

No…who am I kidding…I can practically feel his presence through the door.

"Why are you knocking on—"

I tossed the door open and launched into my half-hearted complaint. The words got stuck in my throat, and I swallowed the lump that had built up, only for it to move to my chest.

"You look…terrible…what happened to you, Kaladin?" I muttered in surprise.

Kaladin looked down at himself and shrugged weakly. "I've heard that all day…I must look like a mess…" he grumbled.

He does…the dark circles under his eyes—the waves of fatigue washing over him. His hair is disheveled despite him clearly trying to make it work. He looks like he hasn't slept in days. I felt tired just looking at him.

His tired eyes slowly looked me over. I watched as his face turned a light shade of pink. It was adorable. He scratched his head in the same awkward manner he always does and averted his eyes to the corner of the room. I didn't comment on his salacious stare. After all, it was good to know this dress worked and that he could still look at me that way even if he were out of it. Perhaps this would put him in a better mood?

"Sylvia, what are you wearing? When did you buy—"

"Well, stop standing in the hallway like some lost child. You're home now…" I grabbed his arms and pulled him inside. He didn't resist me at all.

"Are you hungry? I—come to think of it… I probably should have told you not to eat," I grumbled to myself more than him.

He didn't immediately answer me, so I looked over my shoulder and raised an eyebrow. He sheepishly averted his eyes. "Yeah…I can eat."

"Then take a seat. I've almost finished my preparations, so it won't be much longer," I said with a quick wave.

Kaladin quietly took his seat at the dinner table as I finished seasoning tonight's choice of meat. I'd been practicing Veme's technique for a long time now and even had a healthy supply of spices and herbs. My last attempt was met with unanimous approval from my panel of judges, so I was ready to show Kaladin the skills I had developed.

Still, I'm a little nervous…

This is only the beginning of the things I have planned but if I fail here, it would only sour the—never mind…none of that matters. Even if I screwed this stupid dinner up, it didn't change what I was going to do. Tonight was the night, the night I promised myself I'd do it.

So it's happening even if he vomits up my dinner. But, uh…hopefully, it won't come down to that…I might just crawl into a corner and cry if he vomited because of my cooking.

I felt Kaladin's eyes on me, so I peeked over my shoulder to find him staring again. I felt embarrassment well up inside me, and my ears burned but now was the time…I gave him a little spin in the middle of the kitchen, and his eyes went wide.

"What's the matter? If you keep staring at me like that, I might get embarrassed," I squeaked more than I intended.

"I think you did that to yourself…your face is almost as red as your eyes," Kaladin said as he looked away again.

Damn it! My voice…my face…ugh…

Kaladin coughed into his hand. "Sylvia…where did you even get that…dress? I—what possessed you to wear such a thing?"

I tugged at the deep v of the black dress and shrugged. "I thought..uh…I just liked it, that's all."

I can't do it! I can't tell him that I bought this for him!

The dress was almost identical to the one Tsarra tried on at the Silver Wolverine Tailoring shop. Unfortunately, I couldn't buy that exact one as it was too small for me. So I had one special ordered, and instead of using silver, I had them replace it with a red material. The small lace flowers that decorated the dress were all a bright red, as well as the collar lining and the open sides. The dress was beautiful…if not incredibly revealing…and overwhelmingly embarrassing.

I—I will never wear this in public…ever.

"Yeah…sure…if you say so," Kaladin mumbled.

"Do you…like it?" I asked carefully.

Kaladin mumbled something to himself that I didn't quite catch. "I mean, yeah, you look stunning. Literally, I think I was actually physically stunned for a moment."

"Ah, haha,…thank you…" I barely managed to say in a whisper.

I forced my embarrassment down and completed the vegetables in hopes that the steam leaving my face wouldn't pre-cook them. Finally, the meat was ready as I had brined it some time ago. Veme had instructed that I season the meat while it's in a pan with the herb and spice butter. In the beginning, I had thought that everyone was supposed to season meat prior to cooking, but Veme assured me that if the quality of the meat was high, this was the optimal route.

And I had to agree. Veme's steak that night on our adventure was delicious. It was the best I had ever had, and it was cooked on a simple pan over an open fire in the middle of the woods. It was then that I knew that I needed to learn her technique. If I could mimic even half of her skills, I would surely cook something masterful. I even dished out a few gold for ingredients… I just hoped Kaladin would enjoy it.

I gently slid the meat into the hot pan, and the rich fragrances from the butter and meat wafted into my nose. Even though I didn't need to eat food to survive, I immensely enjoyed the taste and the scents of cooked meat. I was glad I was turned away from Kaladin as I sucked in a small line of drool that was threatening to land in the food.

Damn it! Focus Sylvia! Just like Veme taught you, take the stupid spoon and baste the steak with juices and butter from the pan.

"Hey, Sylvia...why did you tell my parents about your past? I mean, I think it was a good choice, but…I didn't expect you to go that far," Kaladin asked me.

I continued basting the steak while I answered him. "I thought it was the right choice. I wanted to tell them who I was. I'm getting sick and tired of hiding behind my mask."

And I can't be with you in public if I'm too busy hiding…

Focus! Now, let the meat rest and repeat again. I stopped myself from wiping my hands on this dress and frowned. Perhaps cooking in a fancy dress like this wasn't the best idea. I should have changed after I finished dinner.

"In the future, I've decided not to tell anyone that I am Talgan's granddaughter. Me being an ancient Vampire is already enough to give someone a heart attack or for them to start attacking me. I guess I just didn't want to lie to your family—Kaladin? Hey…"

The words got caught in my throat as I looked over at him. Kaladin was just staring listlessly ahead. It was like he was asleep with his eyes open.

"Kaladin?" I asked again.

"Kaladin?!" I yelled.

Tch.

I grabbed a spoon and used it to gather some fresh juice from the pan. I checked the temperature to ensure it wouldn't burn him, and when I knew it was good, I flicked it right into his face. The buttery goodness soared across the room and smacked Kaladin in the bridge of his nose.

He jolted in his seat, startled, but instead of being angry or even annoyed with me, he just gave me a tired smile. "Sorry…I zoned off a bit there," he said sheepishly.

That was extremely unlike him. Even when Kaladin was dozing off, he wouldn't let people sneak up on him. I set the steak back onto the burner and gave it a few more spoons full of basting.

Kaladin was busy trying to taste the butter that was rolling down his face. When it finally reached his mouth, he nodded in satisfaction. "This tastes amazing, Sylvia. Where did you learn how to do this?"

I wiped my hands clean again. "Veme taught me when we went on our adventure together. I've been practicing for a long time to get this right." I bent over him and thumbed away some of the leftover grease on his nose. "I'm glad that you like it."

Kaladin's face turned bright pink, and I backed my face away from his. I thought that playful move would have been more…fun…but I just can't help but feel a little sad. I had been expecting Kaladin to be full of energy and bursting with joy from the reunion with his family. But maybe that was just wishful thinking…

But he seems so tired. Like something is eating away at him. He looks….no…maybe I'm just looking too deep into this. Reuniting with your family after seven years is bound to take a toll on anyone, even him. No…more so him.

Or…

"Hey, Kaladin," I said softly.

"Ah, yes?" he said weakly.

"What's the matter? What has you so out of it?" I asked him gently. I gingerly rubbed his shoulder. "Are you well? Maybe the rain made you sick?"

He shook his head and shut his tired eyes. "No…I've been like this all day. I…I've been thinking a lot about a lot of things. It feels like it's eating away at my soul."

"Oh? And—no! The steak!" I shouted.

I ran back over to the kitchen and took the steak off the heat. I flipped it over and made sure I hadn't burnt it, and much to my relief, I hadn't. I sighed in relief while basting the steak once more. I only had to do this twice more, then it would be done.

I walked back over to Kaladin, a worried expression on his face. "Is, uh, the steak okay?"

I giggled at his worry about a piece of meat. "It's fine. It won't be long, and the vegetables should be done any moment now. But before that…" I raised his arm and looked into his eyes. "May I?"

Kaladin raised his eyebrows at me. "When did you start asking for my permission, mhmm?" he teased.

I narrowed my eyes and sank my fangs into his arm. His rich, mouthwatering blood flowed into me, and I realized just how hungry I was. I hadn't fed on him or any blood in almost two whole nights. I was starving.

Wait, Sylvia! Don't suck him dry! You are here to help him! Now—what—wha?

"Is something wrong with me?" Kaladin asked me, his concern evident.

I finished drinking his blood and wiped the blood from my mouth. I narrowed my eyes at him. I couldn't help but feel that I had…felt…something. But the second I honed in on it…it vanished. Did I heal it so fast that I didn't even get a chance to recognize it? Whatever it was, it was not normal. I had never sensed something like that inside of Kaladin before, let alone anyone else.

"I don't know…" I muttered as I tried to wrack my brain. "Did somebody cast a spell on you or something? Something was inside of you, but it disappeared when I tried to find it. I can't help but wonder if I'm just overthinking it. I mean, it was gone before I could make sense of it."

Kaladin's eyebrows furrowed, and he shut his eyes tight. "This morning, after my workout, I heard a voice in my head. I'd never heard it before, and it was gone before I could even make sense of it. It told me to take a nap, that I deserved it."

A nap? That's odd, but…

"I checked your head, but there's nothing physically wrong with you. Could this be related to that feeling you get whenever you kill someone? Or how you said you think something powerful is affecting your life?" I questioned.

Kaladin shrugged weakly. "Who knows?"

Well, maybe it's partially that, but…there is much more going on with him right now.

I walked back into the kitchen to continue cooking when Kaladin called out to me. "You must still be hungry. You haven't drunk my blood in almost two days."

The steak sizzled once more as I slid it onto the hot pan. "I am, but I took enough for a snack."

"Snack, huh? My blood is a snack now?" Kaladin asked, his voice tinged with defeat.

I giggled. "A delicious snack. A filling breakfast. A heavenly light lunch. Even an entire four-course meal fit for nobility. Your blood truly is just that special," I said with a wink.

Kaladin just sighed and shook his head, a faint smile on his face. I promised I wouldn't tell him that his blood was delicious…but it looks like he just took it as a joke. Of course, I was incredibly serious. Kaladin's blood was divine as far as I was concerned and the only blood I ever needed or wanted.

I took the steak off the stove as well as the vegetables and placed them over to the side. I walked over to the table and dipped my consciousness into my storage ring. I pulled out a clear glass cup and a fancy-looking bottle that I'd been holding onto for some time.

Kaladin's eyes went wide. "Wait…that's the wine bottle you said was super expensive from the room we rented that night in Curia…I wondered where it went. You've had it this entire time?"

I snorted. "Of course! Did you think I would just let them take this thing back for free?! I had this bottle appraised, and it was worth twenty gold! Twenty gold for this small bottle! I've been saving it for…well…something like this!"

"Uh huh…and uh…what are you doing? Are you trying to get me too drunk or something?" Kaladin asked, sounding somewhat apprehensive.

I finished pouring the glass and gave it the dark red liquid a swirl. I sighed while placing the cup in front of him. "No, that sounds like the worst idea in the entire world. The last thing I need is for you to get sloppy drunk with how you are right now. One glass is all you need, and it's all you're getting."

Kaladin brought the glass up to his face. He sniffed the wine, and his face scrunched up like he had eaten something sour. "You don't have to drink it right now if you don't want to. Veme told me that a good wine with a good steak was a combination to die for….not that I've ever had it before, but eh," I said with a shrug.

I've trusted her so far, and it seems to be working. I might as well go all the way.

Kaladin brought the cup up to his lips and took the smallest amount of liquid that could be considered a "sip." His lips set into a deep frown, and he slowly put the cup back onto the table.

"I guess you don't like it?"I asked.

Kaladin shook his head in a way that reminded me of a child that bit into something bitter despite being told not to do it. "No, I can't say that I did. I would have never known if this were supposed to be 'better' than anything I've had before. This could have been sold in a tavern in the slums…I just don't think I'm destined to get along with alcohol. Besides, water never hurt anyone anyways," he griped.

I couldn't help but giggle as I stood up to finish tonight's meal. "I told you that you should try it with the steak, but you went ahead and did it anyway. They're supposed to be good together."

Like us…does that make him the steak and me the wine? Wait, am I bitter…I, uh…probably.

"I think your steak would taste just fine by itself," Kaladin grumbled.

"That's just because of how amazing I am," I said proudly with a playful wink.

Kaladin smirked at that, at least. I wanted him to relax, even if just a little. "I feel like it's been a long time since you and I did something like this. Just the two of us that is."

"Yeah. It has been a long time, hasn't it?"

"Do you miss it? I mean, when it was just us?" I asked curiously.

"A part of me misses it, yeah. When it was just us traveling to Luminar, things were…easier…it felt like." Kaladin looked over at me with a strained but gentle smile. "But I wouldn't toss away what we have now for then, you know?"

What we have…we…

"Sylvia? Your face is a little red? Is the stove that hot?"

"Yes!" I blurted out.

He says the most sincere things without even meaning to…

I cut into the steak to ensure I had cooked it correctly, and the meat sliced away like nothing. If I do say so, the insides were cooked to the utmost perfection. It was a little more on the rare side, but this was the only way to eat a steak of this quality. Turning it into leather would be a sin of the highest order.

The tantalizing smell of cooked meat washed over me, and my stomach growled. I licked my lips and had to stop myself from taking a bite. "Here! Enjoy your meal," I said as I plopped the plate down in front of him, trying to get it away from me as soon as possible.

The steamed vegetables were lightly seasoned with the same herb butter as the steak, glistening in the candlelight. I had even learned some presentation skills in my cooking class and although I thought they were a waste of time on most occasions…tonight was special.

Kaladin eyed the dish and looked up at me quizzically. "You went all out tonight. This dinner looks fantastic. Thank you, Sylvia. But what made you do all of this all of a sudden?"

"I've been planning this for a long time. Although I didn't think it would happen exactly like this…tonight is a special night. We have a lot to celebrate and a lot to talk about."

He put down his knife. "We do? I mean, there are some things we need to talk about, but—"

I groaned. "Don't worry about it right now! Just eat before it gets cold! We can talk all about it after you finish dinner…"

Kaladin shrugged and went to cut into the steak when he stopped himself again. "What about you? Are you not—"

"Please, Kaladin! Eat the damn steak before it gets cold!" I moaned. "Wasting gold just so I can enjoy a taste of food isn't worth it."

Kaladin's eyes went wide. "This steak is worth entire gold coins?! How much did you even pay for it?!"

Forty gold at the market for a few cuts…

I rested my face on my hands and groaned even louder. "It doesn't matter! The price is well worth it as long as you enjoy it…while it's warm…eat it before I feed it to you."

"Please don't do that…I'm not that useless," Kaladin said with a sigh, his shoulders dropping to his side.

He took a deep breath and cut into the meat. Juice poured out, and when I looked at Kaladin, he was smiling at me. I felt my face flush as I sucked in the drool that had escaped my mouth.

But my embarrassment was replaced with a swelling of pride as Kaladin's face morphed into surprise and joy. He must have liked the taste of the steak because he immediately took another bite.

"This is…delicious…it may just be the best steak I've ever had in my life," he said in disbelief.

Well, I don't like how he sounded surprised, but I'll just take his compliment. "Try it with the wine."

Kaladin frowned and picked the wine glass up with a swirl. He hesitated, but he took another sip regardless of his trepidation. He jolted back in surprise and narrowed his eyes at the glass, only for him to take another quick sip.

"What the…it wasn't as good as the second sip, but this tastes way better," he muttered in utter disbelief.

"Really?" I said excitedly. "Does it really taste that much better?!"

Kaladin took another bite of steak, followed by a sip of wine, nodding his head. "It is…the bitter taste is far less prominent, and I swear somehow it tastes more fruity…it's like I'm drinking spicy grape juice…and it's not that bad. If only it tasted like this all the time."

"So it's good?"

"Yeah, it's good. Far better than I could have imagined," he said with a conflicted look. Then he looked over at me in panic. "The wine! I mean, the wine is not bad! Your steak is amazing, and I'd like it with or without the wine."

I giggled at his nervousness and moved the hair out of my face. "I know what you meant, Kaladin. And I wouldn't get mad over something like that."

He just blinked at me.

"What?!" I shot back.

"Nothing…hey…don't pout at me…"

I crossed my arms and looked away. "Hmph. Just enjoy your dinner already."

Kaladin sighed again, but I felt like he was in a slightly better mood than he was when he first walked in. Maybe I just wished he was in a better mood as I had tried my best to cheer him up or at least distract him from whatever was plaguing his mind.

I felt somewhat bad for what I had planned, considering how he was, but if I never told him how I felt, it would only eat away at me even more. And besides, I made a promise to myself. I promised that I would help Kaladin work through these feelings but right now…I felt like there was a wall between us.

I had been trying for so long to break that wall down slowly, but I've felt stuck ever since the Dragon attacked. It was as if the Dragon had forced him to rebuild those walls around his heart. And when he rebuilt them, they came back ten times stronger.

But his family returned, and they must have chipped away at that wall…It had been a long time since I'd seen Kaladin cry so much. Pure genuine tears flowed from him, and he sobbed like a newborn baby. It was heartwarming and only made me more confident in my feelings for him.

That despite how dark and brooding he can sometimes be. And the cruel extent of his power…he does it all for the people he cares about. He even accepted someone like me…he's a loving, kind, and a gentle man at heart.

And that's why I love him.

We spent the remainder of dinner just chatting idly about this or that. Kaladin had told me that he and his family had decided to stay in Luminar, and I naturally agreed. I wouldn't lie and say I wasn't slightly apprehensive about staying anywhere other than Luminar, but I knew that if I followed Kaladin, I would be safe wherever I went. And home was wherever Kaladin and Mila were. I was just glad he had decided that Luminar would be our final destination.

Maybe this place will finally feel like a real home after tonight…

I cleaned up after dinner, and Kaladin helped me. Together we cleared everything, washed the dishes, and eventually ended up on the couch together, sitting side by side. My heartbeat quickened, and I felt unbelievably nervous. I rubbed my hands together in anticipation and found that I was sweating slightly.

Now's not the time! You've been practicing this in your head forever! So just say what needs to be said!

"Kal—"

"So—oh…sorry…go ahead." Kaladin interrupted me by accident, and even he sounded a bit nervous.

"No—no, go—go ahead. Finish what you were going to say," I stuttered.

Kaladin cleared his throat and averted his eyes away from me. "Well—I uh…just wanted to know what was going on. Why did you do all of this suddenly? I know you said it was to celebrate and so we could talk, but…what was wrong with doing it with Mila and everyone else?"

"I uh…KALADIN?!"

"What?!"

Before I knew it, I was on my knees on the couch and sitting over him. "Do—ooo—doo you like big breasts or small breasts? I can't compete with that stupid big-chested vixen! And he was all up on you, and you seemed to be enjoying it! But you told me she was practically your adopted sister! What kind of adopted sister does that?! And why would somebody's sister kiss them like that in front of so many people?! And why does she have an engagement collar on while doing all of this?!"

I mean, ugh! I just wanted to strangle that stupid Beastmen! But I couldn't do that in front of Kaladin's family. They would never forgive me! WAIT—

I put my hands over my mouth in shame. My heart was thumping in my ears, and I felt unbelievably hot and embarrassed as Kaladin stared at me with wide, confused eyes.

I—I can't believe I blurted that out! GAH! I'm so stupid! Why couldn't I just say what I wanted to say? Why is it so difficult?!

I just want to crawl into a hole and die…

Kaladin's mouth was agape, and a groan of pain and confusion leaked from him. His face and ears were an adorable bright pink, and she was stuttering over himself as he muttered incomprehensible nonsense.

"I—I—don't know? Large or small, it doesn't—I…I don't think about that kind of stuff, Sylvia. Either side is just fine. And how was I supposed to know Cerila was going to do that?! I hadn't expected it either! And it was a trap laid by my mother when we were children! I didn't actually get engaged with her for real, and we both already recognized that!" he squeaked out. He looked at me with a pained and embarrassed look. "And do you really think you are…well…small? I mean, you are, like…far above average for Elves…I—I don't understand…is that really what you wanted to ask me tonight?"

I am?! Is that how he sees me?! He even gave me an honest answer!? Ah…that's a relief….WAIT!?

"NO! That's not what I wanted to actually say. I just blurted that out like an idiot because I'm nervous, and no matter how many times I went over this in my head, it hasn't helped me one bit, and—" I stopped my rambling and covered my face with my hands.

I'm going to burn myself alive like the steak I just cooked…basted from the outside with my own nervous sweat…

"So? What is it then…" he asked me nervously.

Aaahh! Screw it!

I grabbed him by the side of his face. "I love you."

I did it…I finally said it aloud…I told him…and—

My heart sank into my chest, and I felt ready to vomit from the nervousness and shock that suddenly gripped me. I had been running these scenarios in my head for months…I imagined all kinds of things and how Kaladin would react when I finally told him.

I imagined him being happy, maybe even shedding a tear or two if I was lucky, as my wish fully would finally come true. More than likely, I had expected outright confusion or for him to be anxious. And, of course, even if he didn't exactly feel that way, I imagined he would be surprised that I just blurted out my deepest feelings for him.

But fear…fear was not part of even my darkest fantasies. And the look in his eyes says it all.

…

When I opened my eyes after telling him, all I saw was a terrified look on his handsome face. My hands slipped away from him. "Kaladin…are you…afraid of me?"

I can't believe it…all this time…he was always afraid of me… he was just hiding it this entire time… I'm such a fool…my wishful thinking amounted to nothing more than a dream.

How could anyone lov—

"No! Please! Wait!" he said, his voice shaky. "I'm not afraid of you, I swear. I promise it's not that!"

"Then why—"

"It's just! I…how? How can you love me after everything you've seen me do? And you don't even know half of the things I've done…I'm not who you think I am, Sylvia…I'm not who anyone thinks I am…"

I squeezed his shoulders tightly. "Then tell me! Tell me what I don't know! You keep saying these things, but it doesn't make sense to me! So tell me!"

"Sylvia…I can't…you don't want to—"

"But I do! I do want to know!" I yelled, my anger swelling in my chest. "I told you that I loved you! And I mean it! I love you, and I love Mila, and I want us to be a real family! Just like you told me once before, you are who you are, and you are the only person that can change that! What dark past haunts you so much?! Why do you have nightmares that keep you up at night?! What is eating away at your happiness?! Please…I'll never know if you don't tell me," I begged.

I blinked a few times and realized my vision was blurry. Somewhere along my begging and screaming, I started crying. I peeled myself away slightly and winced. Kaladin looked deeply hurt and conflicted. It was like the dark circles under his eyes had grown larger in a matter of moments, and a heavy, dark aura hung over his head.

This is also how he gets…he recedes into his shell…hides behind that wall, and I just fill the silence with my pleas. I can't let him hide away…no, not now. This is far too important…we will—I will never progress with him…I'll never be able to get past these walls if he doesn't tell me.

But wait…this look…I wonder—

When Kaladin looked at me again, I made sure that I met his eyes head-on. I didn't look away or try hiding my tears. His pained expression was hard to bear, but if I wanted to help him…if I wanted to be with him, I had to do this much. No matter how much it hurt my heart to see him like this.

"I—" Kaladin stopped himself and clenched his jaw while he shook his head.

He grimaced, and my nose wrinkled as a sweet scent was carried to me. I didn't even need to avert my eyes from his to know what had happened. I could smell the fresh blood that flowed from his clenched fists. A part of me wanted to lick his hands clean right now, but…that was most definitely inappropriate and would probably be counterproductive. The time for teasing him ended a while ago…even I can recognize that.

"This—this life wasn't my first. I wasn't always Kaladin Shadowheart," he muttered between gritted teeth.

What? This isn't his first life? What does he mean by that? He wasn't always Kaladin? Then who was he? Is he messing—no…he is being deathly serious right now. Could it be…maybe I was right about Kaladin? Maybe…there really are two or more people inside of him?

"I don—"

I bit down on my lip, hard to stop myself from interjecting. This was a time to be silent and to listen to him. If I tried asking questions at every turn, we would never get anywhere, and Kaladin would just remain silent...maybe forever. On the other hand, if I were to hear this much…and he closed me out…it might just be the end of things.

Kaladin waited a while longer, only interrupted by a deep sigh from him. Finally, he averted his gaze and stared off at the window. Rain was gently beating against the hidden window of the room.

"Where do I even begin," Kaladin said despondently.

I didn't answer him, just opting to stay silent and listen. I had all night if that's what he needed. Thankfully, it wouldn't take all night because he launched right into his explanation.

It felt like somebody dipped my brain into a bathtub and started washing it with a sponge. Half of the things coming out of his mouth didn't even make the slightest bit of sense to me. Some of the words weren't even in a language I had ever heard before.

Death Commandos? Inter—gala—what war against other people in the sky with flying ships? That people can go further into the sky and float around? He said he was born in a tube on another planet and fought other species across the stars. That he used to be a Human war machine? And he killed hundreds of thousands of people…

Kaladin had lived another life…that figure in the black armor...that was him…before he became who he is now…

My mind went numb as I listened to Kaladin's explanation in silence. I was at a loss for words. These things…this previous life of his…it's what haunted him. What kept him up at night, and now I understood why.

He was a soldier that had seen and done things that…even after hearing them explained to me. I still don't understand most of it. What does it mean to turn a planet into glass? Or wipe out a system? These numbers…I can't even fathom them.

I think I just stopped trying to understand what he was saying. Some of this was so far removed from my understanding of the world I think trying to keep up was going to cause my brain to explode. I mean, it's like I was trying to listen to somebody speak a foreign langu—

oh…I guess I am listening to a foreign language in some cases.

Either way, I made sure never to stop looking at him. Even though I stopped trying to piece together these things, I never stopped listening to him.

I had to be here for him.

I let Kaladin's rant continue until he was out of breath. He looked sickly now, like he was about to vomit from the sheer amount of stress that was overwhelming him. I feel like I understand his worries now.

This look…his fear…his trepidation…was this how I looked when I told him I was Talgan's granddaughter? I want to say I understand him more than ever, this lingering fear that grips your heart as you worry about how other people will see you…maybe I'm just overthinking things, but it feels like he is afraid of being accepted. And he shouldn't be afraid of that. Not with me.

Now that he had stopped talking, I steeled myself for what I was about to say. I had to make sure whatever I said conveyed what I felt. I needed him to understand. I reached my hand out, anticipating him to jerk away or recoil in fear, but he didn't. I caressed his cheek and guided his face to look at mine.

"It looks like you and I have been trying to outrun our pasts…but no matter how fast we run, our old lives are just faster. And you know what? That's okay. Maybe we just weren't meant to run that fast," I said softly.

His beautiful eyes went wide in confusion. He looked to be on the verge of screaming in agony or getting incredibly angry. It was a heartbreaking look. But I wasn't done telling him.

I softly ran my finger across his chiseled face. "Listen, this…past you…Kronos? Was it? Kaladin, I know with everything in my heart you are not that person anymore. You aren't some emotionless killing machine serving your species. You're you. You are a father to a beautiful little girl. You're a good son that cried in his mother's arms and cared deeply about his family for years. You protected me and others countless times. None of that describes what you used to be, now does it? You've changed, Kaladin. And if what you said is true…about being a soldier born for war…that you were controlled and manipulated on some deep mental and emotional level…then none of that's your fault."

I poked him gently in the cheek. "And more importantly, that just isn't you. Could Commander Kronos care for a daughter, mhm? Or what about loving the mother he never had? Or was he capable of laughing with friends? Or living with a girl of another species that is hated by everyone just because of the way she looks? How about going to school and trying to live a normal life?"

Tears rolled down his tan cheeks, and he sniffled once. I continued to stare at him. I wanted him to answer me honestly. He bit down on his lip and shook his head.

I couldn't help but smile as the tears continued to stream down his face. "Then you understand, don't you, Kaladin?"

He nodded weakly again, and I brought him in for a hug. Despite being far bigger than me now, I still managed to get on my knees and wrap his upper body up. I remember when he was just a little bitter boy grumbling about everything. That feels like forever ago…

He's changed so much…and now I know what's been keeping him back. And I won't let this past hurt him anymore. I rubbed the top of his head as he continued to cry into my chest.

There is no way Commander Kronos cried like this either…I swear his snot is going to ruin this dress.

"It's okay…it's okay…I'll accept you no matter what, Kaladin," I muttered softly.

Just like how you accepted me.

"I love you, Kaladin."