97. Chapter 97

"Remind me why it's stupid," she murmurs, forehead against her hand.

Castle glances back to the road and gives a soft chuckle. "Because it's not wrong to be happy. You're happy. He should get to be happy too."

"I am happy," she sighs. He can see her lift her head and stare out the windshield.

"Sounds so very convincing."

She laughs and gives him a look. "Yeah. Sorry. No, I'm happy. I just struggle with this because. . ."

"Because?" he asks. But he knows. She might not know, but he sees it so clearly.

"Because she's not my mom. Because he should be with my mom."

Castle sighs and takes a hand off the wheel, grips hers tightly. "Babe, your mom is gone. He can't be with her. You don't want him to be with her, not really. He tried that, remember? You had to hold an intervention."

She sighs. "I want my mom to-"

"In real life, Kate. He's here; he's alive. Let him live."

She shivers hard, her hand squeezing around his. "Tell me again why it's stupid."

He frowns into the darkness ahead of them, just past the headlights, glances in the rearview mirror to check on the kids. It's too silent for his liking, but Dash is paging through the illustrated Poe book and Ellery is out, fast asleep in her car seat.

"Rick-"

"I shouldn't have to tell you. It's been three years since they started seeing each other. They practically live together. I know for a fact that they would live together if it weren't for-" He bites his words off, winces at the slip. Arg. Jim told him that in relative confidence and he just-

"Wait. What?"

He squeezes her hand and drops it, puts his own back on the wheel.

"Castle."

He presses his lips together, debates the wisdom of finishing that thought. Except, now it's out there and it's been his opinion, all this time, that if she knew, she might try a little harder to accept Kelly's place in her father's life.

"Your dad told me that he won't marry Kelly so long as you - as you're - so long as you're against it."

"I'm not against it," she gasps. "Castle. Oh holy hell, why does my father think I'm against it? Why didn't you tell him differently?"

He glances at her, stunned, gives her a startled laugh. "Are you kidding me?"

"I'm not against him getting married. I like Kelly. I love Kelly."

"You - you tolerate Kelly."

"No. Oh no. No, that's not true."

"It certainly looks like it."

She moans and covers her face. "Oh God. Oh God, what have I done?"

Yeah. Yeah, he really should have mentioned this last year when Jim first said something. "Kate-"

"Castle." She groans again and clenches her fists. "Why didn't you tell him he was wrong? Even if - shit, even if you thought it was true, you should've said I'd get over it. Or - or something. Oh my God-"

"I'm sure Dashiell appreciates your language, but-"

She hisses and claps a hand over her mouth, groans as she tilts her head back against the seat. Unfortunately, that looks kinda hot and he has to avert his eyes. Just - reminders - memories. The long column of her throat arching-

Shiiiiip. Okay, not the time, Rick.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay. Oh suck, suck, suck," she grits out. "I've got to fix this. This is a mess. I can't believe you let him - I can't believe Dad didn't ask me-"

"Kate, love, remember what you were like when he mentioned her, oh so casually in conversation? Remember what happened when you met Kelly at Dash's preschool for the first time? Not pretty."

"I was a bi - ah, I wasn't very nice. I was working through stuff. But that was three years ago."

"You're still working through stuff."

"No, I'm good. Really. I am."

"Then why do I have to keep reminding you why it's stupid?"

She's silent at that, but she twists in her seat. From the corner of his eye, he can see her pull out her phone.

"What are you doing?"

"Calling my dad."

"Are you sure that's-"

"Dad?"

Darn. Ah, crap. This isn't going to be - the kids probably shouldn't be around to hear this.

"Dad, I need to tell you something."

"Kate. Dashiell is still awake back there." He gives her a look, glances back to the road, then once more to her, trying to impress upon her the very real issue she definitely does still have.

She turns, glances at their son, then lowers her voice. "Dad, I love Kelly. I want you to be happy with Kelly. Whomever you want to be happy with. Okay?"

He winces because it really doesn't sound as heartfelt as it should. He wonders how Jim is taking this, what he's saying back.

"No, Dad. Dad. No. I'm serious. No, Castle did not put me up to this."

He gives her a lopsided grin as she rolls her eyes.

"Dad." She pauses for a long time, and she's listening; he can see her rub away a tear from the corner of her eye. "I miss her too. Yeah. No. Daddy. Please don't think you can't - that you shouldn't - Mom would . . . Mom would want you to have someone."

Wow.

Castle reaches out, grabs the hand she's already flailing out towards him, laces their fingers together. Tears are coursing down her cheeks, but her voice is rock steady. No trace at all. For her father.

She's still silent; he holds on, waiting.

"You love her?"

She's breaking his heart. Not a single quiver in her voice, not a strain, only softness and a sense of warmth, despite the tears still on her cheeks. She doesn't look at him either; she's got her face turned to the night outside the passenger window.

He concentrates on the road, tries to hear her in the silence.

"Yeah, I think you should."

Should what?

"You should, Daddy. You should marry her."

Oh. Oh, Kate.

He can feel the tremble of her fingers against the back of his hand. He lifts her knuckles to his mouth, dusts kisses over her skin, eyes on the road.

Sincerity and cheer are in her voice when she speaks again, even though he knows better. Even though it must cost her.

"You'll be in good company, actually. Allie and Rafe-"

He can hear Jim's startled laughter on the other end, feel Kate gathering herself back together in the eye of the storm, breathing deeply.

"Yeah, Dad. Uh-huh. Well, actually, they're at a hotel right now. Much to Rick's chagrin. But they'll be back in the morning. They needed some time alone to celebrate."

He squeezes her fingers, presses his lips to the back of her hand as she listens again.

"Okay. Yeah. Love you too. No, no, it's still a surprise. Right. I got it. Haven't told the big kid a thing."

She hangs up and he risks a glance at her, but he can't tell. He can't tell if she needs him to make her laugh, or if she needs him to be silent. He's always been able to tell with her, or at least, he always thought he has.

Maybe tonight - maybe he's just now figured out that sometimes he doesn't actually know.

"Am I the big kid?" he says softly, trying for a smile.

She gives him the flicker of one and shakes her head. "Dash."

Ah. Yeah. Still a surprise. Well.

"Kate?" When he glances at her, she's gnawing on her bottom lip and using her other hand to quickly swipe tears away from her eyes, one after another, but they keep falling. "Oh, Kate."

"He's got her a ring. He's had it for a year."

He stares at her, turns his eyes back to the road, squeezes her hand tighter.

"A year, Castle. I wish it didn't hurt so much," she says finally, and this time her voice does break.

This time he can hear it, how much it still aches, her orphaned heart.

They probably don't have much time before Martha and her father and Kelly show up at their door, but Kate takes this moment to be with her kids as she and Rick put them to bed. To really be with them, be peaceful with them.

It's Dashiell's last night of being four. And that's okay. It's good, how it should be, and she loves seeing him grow up into this amazing little man.

Kate leans in and kisses his forehead.

"Why I sleeping in here?"

"Why am I," Castle corrects, grumbling a little. Kate knows he really hates it when Dash speaks too lazily for proper grammar, as if he can't be bothered. "You're in here because Allie won't be."

And because maybe they can put Kelly and her dad in Dashiell's room, and maybe Martha on the couch? Something. She's not sure Martha should be on the uncomfortable couch, even if it is a sofa-bed.

"But I-"

"Bedtime, Dash," she admonishes and brushes her fingers over his forehead. "Don't wake your sister."

"Nothing wakes her," he says back. "I could jump up and down on the top bunk here and she wouldn't-"

"Don't you dare jump up and down," Kate laughs, leaning in again to kiss his cheek wetly. "Be good. I don't want to be taking you back to the doctor for more stitches."

"Oh. No. I need to swim. And jump waves."

"And tomorrow is your party," Castle adds, tugging the covers up over the boy.

"Where's my dog?"

"He's down here," Kate murmurs. "Sleeping in the floor at the foot of the ladder."

"I want my dog up here."

"Baby, I don't think that's a-" But Castle is already scooping the dog up. Oh, jeez, Rick. He's going to throw out his back again hefting that huge dog up-

Oh. Well, he managed it.

"There. If he's a smart dog, he won't try to jump down."

"Rick." This is really not a good idea.

"Be smart," Dashiell tells Rex. "Stay."

The dog whines and licks Dash behind his ear, then lays his head on his paws, eyes on the boy. In fact, it kind of looks - to Kate at least - like Rex is raising his eyebrows. If he had eyebrows. Well, he kind of does - whisker-like things above his dark eyes.

Castle heads to the light switch and flips off the overhead light. "Bedtime, Dash."

"Night, Daddy."

"Good night."

"Read me a story?"

"No," Kate answers, rubbing Rex behind the ears. "You had stories at the bookstore. It's late."

"I'm not tired," Dashiell says, but it's around a yawn and the dog mimics him, opening his jaw wide as well.

"But your dog is," Kate smiles. "Bedtime."

"Say good night to Ellery."

"I will, don't worry." She moves her hand from Rex to her son, slides her fingers through the hair at his temple. She can't reach him now to kiss him, not with the dog in the way. "Volim te, Dash."

"Love you too, Mommy."

She releases him, leans down over the bottom bunk, the small, sprawled girl under the sheets. Castle carried her up from the car; she didn't wake, not even when he changed her into her pajamas and tucked her into bed.

Kate brushes a kiss over Ellery's cheek, whispers love in her ear as she strokes the dark hair from her face. Ella's little fingers twitch near her head, but she's deep in sleep.

"Night," she whispers, one last time before heading for the door, and Castle.

Once in the hallway, the door shut behind them, she feels their time is almost up, her time. She knows his mother and her father and Kelly are close, and she can't - she can't break down now. She has to keep it together.

But she wants so badly to-

"You are going to make it," he says roughly, and takes her by the shoulders, pulls her into him.

She wraps her arms around him, closing her eyes.

"This is a good thing, Kate. Your Dad will always be your dad. That will never change. Let me tell you - I know. I know. You think I love Alexis any less, or differently, just because I love you?"

She sucks in a startled breath. "No. No."

"No. You think you replaced my daughter in my heart?"

"God, no."

"No. You think your father will ever let you go?"

She shivers. "He did once."

"No, he didn't, love. He lost his way. But you brought him back. If he had truly let you go, you'd never have been able to save his life."

Oh God, how does he know the exact thing she needs to hear? When she doesn't even know it herself?

"Kate."

"Yeah," she says, nodding, surprised to find that her eyes are dry. She feels small and a little wretched, like she should be crying, but she's not. She's more okay than she thought.

"You saved his life. Now let him have it back, okay? Let him have it back."

She squeezes her eyes shut, hugs him harder just as her phone vibrates in her back pocket.

That'll be her father's text to say they're on their way up.

She really does love Kelly. She does. And the kids adore her, and she's so very good with them, and both gentle and firm with Kate in a way that sets her at ease - really, really, it's good. It's good.

She has to stop. She saved her father's life once, but it's done. It's over. He's okay now; he's more than okay. He's happy. Finally.

"I love you," she sighs and wraps an arm around Castle's neck to pull him down to her.

He gives her a hard kiss, mouth urgent, and she knows it's because he's trying to give her what she needs, but she gentles him, strokes the skin of his cheek with her fingertips as she eases her lips back.

He watches her like he thinks he's said too much.

"You're right."

He grins.

She shakes her head. "Don't let it go to your head, Castle."

"Too late."

She gives him a slow smile back, realizes she kinda, sorta, totally adores him. Wow. Not just that Rick is adorable, but she adores him.

He's giving her a goofy look like he knows exactly what's going on in her head.

Kate squeezes his neck. "Don't look so smug. I think your mother should have our room for tonight. Let us take the couch."

"Damn."

"That's right, stud. Now go unlock the door for them."