Chapter 2: pain

"Reverend Duke??!!" Mom cried out that evening after she insisted entering my room. She hears me sleep talking every night proclaiming my love for him. She had always suspected I was up to something and watched me closely. She and dad set a rule that we all had every right to do whatever we wished with our rooms but that night, she violated the rule breaking into my room.

She viewed all paintings and love notes. I had over twenty paintings of him.

"How long?" They both asked me sternly (after she had reported to my dad and had me judged and beaten), I couldn't speak.

I was a disgrace already and they had disowned me. They sent me out of the house to make my ways straight before returning and I already knew what to do.

That Sunday morning, I was at the confession booth with a swollen eye and broken heart. It would be my first day of speaking with him but the worst day of my life. I had gone through a lot of pain and gone so far for someone that would never be mine.

He needed a bit of my pains too, I didn't care about the consequences, I had to face reality.

"Reverend Duke, why did you torture me thus far? Why did you unbutton your cassocks and carve your hairs intentionally just to seduce me? Why did you darken your eyes and lighten your lips? Every Sunday you preached being a light and yet all you ever did was cause me to sin. Why did you let me get obsessed with you? Am I supposed to apologize to you or to my father.....or you owe me an apology for gross misconduct?!!"

He was perplexed. I couldn't see his face but I felt a sense of guilt in his deep voice.

"What do you mean young lady?? I am sorry you had to go through all these but you lusted after me and it's a sin"

"Sin.." I blurted.

"Why would you beautify your body when your sole duty was to beautify the heart? You caused me to sin sir. You don't deserve your title. I watched you all the while, backyards of the rectory, Friday evenings, waxing your hairs on the coach and smacking your lips in fulfillment of looks, you painted those lips and darkened your eyes, you devoted so much attention to your body....who were you trying to impress huh?? Holiness? We need a judge between us!"

He was bewildered, "we shall get to the root of this" he replied almost immediately after my statements. I could sense the feeling of anger, anxiety, fear and pride he possessed.

I was ready for worst. I watched him summon the vicar and other officials, I was to expect them immediately as it was still too early.

He was being devoted as usual but it also got him into trouble as we were both heard later that day and the final judgement was concluded.

I was excommunicated as expected and he was suspended temporarily. The news spread like wildfire in dry grass as some workers had eavesdropped during the trials.

A lot of people who knew my family avoided me especially the members. They didn't let me back into the family, I was perching with an old lady (lily). She lived just across the street, lonely and abandoned. We stayed for a couple of years together.

I was the last girl so nobody cared anymore except our last boy John. He knew trials were part of life and anyone could be a subject of obsession. He came one day to visit as usual and informed me mom had passed away.

She had a heart seizure while thinking one day. She still cared for me even if she didn't really show, while dad had left the country.

He also informed me he got a job in the city and was getting married soon. He wanted me to move in with his new family and his wife wouldn't mind.

I almost kicked against the idea because I had gotten used to taking care of old lily, but she encouraged me to move on with my blood and I also needed a new life while she was just an old woman awaiting days dusk.

Leaving lily hurt so much but I had to move on nothing lasts forever after all.

I got a new job in the new city, a charity taking care of old and abandoned people. I wanted the job because I had understood what it meant to be alone and taking care of lily helped me get over my bad days. But I was scared of being religious again. I just didn't wish to repeat history. I didn't care about being social or happy. The things I loved the most were never mine.

"Aunty, maybe I should go now! I'm late already we talk later " little Louise tiny voice cut into my flashbacks. About to scamper off, I called her back.

"Louise, I'm coming with you"

The first time in over ten years, I took a new leap in my life.

He is decent, a married man with great orientation. It seemed he referred to me again with his teaching;

"Stop dwelling on your past. The future is different and the past is not the end of your story. You have a future and you get to determine if your future will be better or not".

I thought to myself,

"Do I still have a future?" I was already advanced in age, no spouse, no kids or good job. I had wasted a great part of my life in an unhealthy course. But MR JUDE is right after all. I'm in my future, today will soon be past and I got to tell the rest of my story. I am accountable for my decisions. We all are....

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