7. Chapter 7

Thanks again for the quick reviews. I am obsessed with writing this story. More than my real life can handle almost.

Erin rolled over in the bed, slightly disoriented for a second before she remembered where she was. A slight smile crossed her lips. Despite the night being full of emotional highs and lows, she still felt that intense connection back with Jay. He'd been so vulnerable and open about his past. Previously, it had seemed it was always Jay being her rock, her support system. So few times in their relationship had Jay let her be the strong one. Being there for him, made Erin truly felt they had taken a step forward. There had been a level of intimacy and vulnerability between them that was new. Maybe that had been something she was missing in the relationship that she didn't even realize she needed. She didn't know what the future held, but she really didn't think that walking away from each other was an option at this point. They clearly needed each other. They were stronger together, and supporting each other just came naturally.

Her hand slid over the space beside her, reaching for him, and she was disappointed to find it not only empty but cold. Sniffing the morning air, she caught the scent of coffee. She slipped out of the bed, grabbing Jay's shirt from the night before, pulling it over her head as she padded quietly down the hallway toward the kitchen and the alluring smell of coffee. Jay sat at the kitchen table, his head resting downward in his hands, a cup of coffee sat on the table in front of him. Smiling, Erin slipped up behind him, wrapping her arms around his neck and bending down to give his cheek a kiss.

Erin felt him immediately tense. She hoped he was just surprised, that she had startled him, but when he turned to look at her, she was disturbed by what she saw. Dark shadows rimmed hollow looking eyes. There was absent-like feeling to his gaze. He met her eyes for only a second before shrugging out of her embrace and standing. "Coffee?" he asked as moved across the small kitchen to the coffee pot plugged in on the counter.

Erin nodded, "Yeah, Sure." She leaned up against the kitchen table and watched Jay as he pulled down a mug and filled it. Despite her unease, she smiled as he added a few spoonful's of sugar to it and a splash of cream. He knew her so well. "Have you been up long?" she asked. Looking at his face she questioned if he'd ever even slept at all. After their second round last night, Erin only kind of remembered him whispering that he was going to take a shower. She knows she heard the water running, but she must have fallen asleep before he returned to bed. If he ever had.

"Yeah, I caught few hours." His voice was rough, and Erin didn't think he was being truthful. He also wasn't meeting her eyes, even as he delivered her drink.

"Thanks," she replied. He leaned back against the kitchen counter and sipped his own drink. His eyes were downcast and despite there being only four feet between them, it felt like miles. Erin was disappointed. She thought they had made some progress last night. With him opening up about some of his time in the army, she felt like they had gotten closer. She had hoped that maybe they might be able to figure out a way to make things work. He knew most her demons, but he kept his locked away. Getting that peek into his mind, had made her want to be strong for him. She wanted to stand by him no matter what. Now, what that actually meant for their future…Erin wasn't sure. Looking at his body language, Erin didn't have a clue what he was thinking. Mainly the vibe she was getting off him was that he pretty much wished she wasn't there.

Biting the bullet, she spoke up, "You think last night was a mistake?"

His eyes flew up to meet hers, then just as quickly darted away. "We were both feeling emotional. Almost dying and all."

"We were supporting each other, being there for each other."

Jay just acknowledged her comment with a shrug.

Erin began, "You said some stuff-"

Jay interrupted her, "I was pretty drunk, Erin. I don't even really remember much."

Erin bit her lip in frustration. Yeah, he had been drinking last night. They both had, but he certainly hadn't been blackout drunk. She gritted her teeth, "I don't regret it. We care about each other, and when one of us is hurting, we are there for each other. Maybe it wasn't the smartest thing for us to sleep together before talking things out, but I don't regret it at all."

She saw his eyes narrow a bit, his voice was hard. "Last night wasn't about us getting back together."

"I just thought…" she looked around in frustration, "I don't know. I thought we came to an understanding. You opened up a bit-"

"Last night was just a sex-with-an-ex situation, Erin." The look he gave her was so unlike the Jay she knew, that Erin took a step back involuntarily. "Don't read more into it than it was." His tone was harsh.

Despite the coldness and hardness in his eyes, she knew that he was just hurting and covering his pain and grief with anger. Erin tried to think of how to reason with him. "You know that wasn't what it was. We care about each other. We love each other." She gestured between them, "You and I have always been there for each other. When things were good and especially when things sucked. And right now, it actually sucks a lot, but pushing me away isn't actually going to make anything better."

Jay just looked at her. She could see the dejected look on his face. She could sense he was giving up. His voice had a tone of hopelessness, "You were right all along, Erin. I don't know what I was thinking wanting to get married or even considering bringing a kid into this world. It's a fucked up world and we deal with the worst of it. With your past and my history, there is no way our lives together would be anything but a disaster."

Erin tilted her head in confusion, "You don't mean that…" she softly started.

"Yeah, I do." Jay quickly retorted. "That guy, he was just like me. He thought he could come back home, pretend all the stuff he did over there didn't matter. That the death and destruction that he committed in the name of his country weren't on his own personal shoulders. That he could have the wife, the kids, the house." Jay's voice was more bitter and cold than Erin had ever heard in her life from him. "He couldn't, and I shouldn't." He tossed her a cold look, "We won't. Go home, Erin." His words were cold and sounded final.

Erin stared at him shocked by his harsh words. It's not like she wanted to get married and have kids. She'd made her opinion on the matter quite clear, but hearing the ugly words come out of Jay's mouth sounded unbelievable to her. "You don't mean that."

Jay laughed harshly. "I am agreeing with everything you said last month. Marriage is a sham. Kids are a mistake. There is no point to any of it. What don't you get? I am saving you, Erin. I am saving you from having to experience what Aden Harris's wife did. I am saving our child from being the victim of his father's decisions."

"That would never happen, Jay." Erin shook her head. He was talking nonsense. There was no world in which Jay could harm someone he loved.

"Did you really things were going to be different after last night, Erin? You show up here, wanting to get drunk and do anything to make me feel better. So yeah, I took advantage of that. I felt better for a few hours. Thanks. But now, you should go."

Erin just stood in the middle of his kitchen, disbelief pulsing through her. Suddenly realizing she was half naked in the middle of the kitchen of a man who clearly no longer wanted anything to do with her, she felt embarrassed. It didn't matter that she knew he was just dealing with pain, she still felt humiliated.

"You know how to hurt me, Jay. I'll give you that. Just know I still believe in you. Even if you don't believe in yourself… or us." Her eyes were bright with unshed tears.

Jay just stared at her. His eyes void of emotion his stance indifferent. "You have work. I am pretty sure Voight doesn't want me there today. I know I sure has hell don't want to be there." He turned his back to her and refilled his coffee cup, then sat at his kitchen table, his back to her.

Erin nodded, her lips pursed together. She had been dismissed. Numbly she stumbled back to the bedroom, finding her pants, she quickly shimmied into them and sat on the bed to slip on her shoes. It wasn't until she saw the splash of tears on her boots that she realized she was crying.

She got up and walked over to the mirror. She barely recognized the woman in front of her. This is what heartbreak looked like, she thought to herself. She had thought that it hurt when they broke up, but nothing compared to this. One thing that she had always believed was that they loved each other. The man she had loved would have never spoken to her this way. Splashing some cold water on her face, she scrubbed the tears from her cheeks. Taking a steadying breath, she raised her chin up a bit. Maybe she had made mistake, falling back into bed with Jay and believing that they might find a way to be together. But she still had her pride. She wasn't going to let him make her feel bad about herself or her decisions.

Walking back out into the bedroom, Erin slipped into her jacket that she found on the floor. She swiped her shirt off the dresser where it had landed last night. Not wanting to take the time to change out of Jay's shirt, she just wadded it up into a ball. She took a deep breath, and then headed into the living room. Glancing down the hall toward the kitchen, she could see Jay's slumped back, head once again resting in his hands. Despite everything, she felt the pull towards him once again. She wondered if she ever wouldn't. In her heart, she really didn't think he meant anything he said. He was just trying to hurt her enough to push her away. She knew the signs of someone self-destructing. Hell, she'd done it herself last year. She just wasn't going to sacrifice her self-esteem to save him. Grabbing her purse off the end table, she shoved her shirt inside. As she slipped out the door, she gave one last glance back towards Jay. She'd have to find a different way to help him. One that didn't involve her bruised heart.

Don't hate me! I love Jay…like seriously, he is my favorite character. I have almost always written him as the caring one who is trying to make Erin see the light. I started this story the same way, but had this twist planned where it will be more Erin as the person in the relationship who doesn't want to give up on them and their relationship. A few people have wanted me to write from Jay's perspective, but I don't plan to. I usually switch back and forth, but wanted to stick with Erin through this story. You'll understand why later.