Chapter 26

When I woke up, I felt stiff. My eyes were heavy as I tried to open them, and then once I did I could tell I wasn't in my room anymore. I stared up at the ceiling, focusing on the square tiles as I tried to process what was going on.

There was a light beeping coming from something in the room, and the smell was unmistakably sterile like a hospital.

The worst part about waking up was that I felt disappointed. I wanted to die and it clearly didn't work, because I was still here. Still living. Still breathing.

"Oh, good, you're awake," I heard a familiar voice say. I turned to see my mother coming over to my hospital bed. I furrowed my brow in her direction because I didn't think she'd be here. Had she really come all this way for me? How long was I unconscious?

I didn't say anything to her. I couldn't.

She leaned over me and wrapped me in a hug, being careful to not mess with the IV in my arm. I felt hollow as she hugged me, because I still felt out of touch with reality.

"Kellin, you scared me so bad," she said, her voice cracking as she spoke. "Why would you do this, sweetie?"

I would have cried if I could, but I was still numb. I hated making my mother cry, but what was new? "I'm sorry," I mumbled, pathetically. I was only sorry for upsetting her, not for trying to die.

"How are you feeling?" she asked, after a moment or two of silence. I shrugged. Her worry eyes bore into me and I did all I could to avoid them.

"I don't know," I whispered.

"I just don't understand, Kellin. . . I didn't even know you were depressed, why would you-" she started to cry again. But this time, she was cut off when the door to the room opened. I looked up, my eyes falling on Justin as he entered the room. I wasn't sure why he was here, either.

"Holy shit, man, you're awake," he breathed, coming over to sit in near me. He sounded relieved, like he'd been holding his breath for a long time. "I'm so glad- really, I am."

"Okay," I said, quietly. I felt so awkward, though. I didn't know what to do or say. I was pretty much helpless in a hospital bed surrounded by people who were glad I was alive, when all I really wanted was to be dead. It was so bizarre to me, too. I don't think I had ever thought about death in my entire life as much as I was thinking about it in those few days.

"Mike and Vic are on their way up, they'll be happy to know you're up," Justin said. I gasped, scared for a minute.

"Why are they here?" I asked, defensively. I thought Vic broke up with me. I thought Mike was the one who essentially broke us up.

The door opened again, and this time my mom stood up to excuse herself to go find my doctor as Vic and Mike filed in. I turned away, not wanting to look at either of them. I didn't want to deal with their confrontation on top of all this. This was so embarrassing.

"He's awake?" Mike asked Justin. I held my breath and sat up in bed, so that I didn't feel like everyone was looming over me. It meant I had to face them, but it was less intimidating than feeling completely helpless.

"Oh my god, Kellin," Vic said, holding onto the railing of the bed as he made his way over to me. I frowned, still so confused about what was going on. "Kellin, fuck, I'm so sorry it was all just a big misunderstanding. I thought . . . I didn't realize - oh my god."

"I told them, everything's straightened out now, okay?" Justin explained. Memories of Justin storming out to 'set things right' slowly came back to me.

"What happened?" I asked, calmly.

"Well, I went out to the frat house and tried to pick a fight, but basically got my ass handed to me . . . so Mike and I came back . . . I explained what was going on, and he said he was going to call Vic and apologize once we got back to the room . . . but then we found you and you were . . . basically passed out," Justin explained, his voice darkening at the last part. I tried to ward off imaginary scenarios of him finding me dead. "So we called an ambulance and . . . well, that was a little over 24 hours ago."

"I'm so sorry," I said, feeling guilty all of a sudden. I hated that I must have been such a burden on all of them. I didn't like the idea of everyone freaking out, trying to save me. "You didn't have to go through all of that, you could have just left me."

" Kellin ," Vic said, his voice laced with pain. "Baby, please don't talk like that."

I looked away from him as he sat on the edge of the bed, reaching for me. I hesitated a moment before resting my head against his shoulder and letting him hug me. He held me tight, and there was something oddly comforting about his warmth, but at the same time, he still felt so far away.

Justin mumbled something about him and Mike stepping out so Vic and I could talk, and I guess that was all right. But at the same time I had no idea what I even wanted to say to him.

"I'm so sorry, I feel horrible for jumping to conclusions like that, I just- " Vic started rambling on, his voice shaking, and I could tell he felt guilty because of what happened. And, in turn, I felt absolutely horrible because I didn't want him to think this was his fault.

"It's not your fault," I mumbled. "You don't need to be upset."

"Of course I do, I thought you were going to die ," he said, his voice finally cracking. "Please don't cry, I'm not worth crying over, Vic," I told him. He just held me even tighter.

"Don't even talk like that," he insisted. I could tell by the way that he was speaking that he was crying anyway. He just held onto me tighter. "Do you remember when I asked you to describe yourself to me?"

"Yeah," I whispered.

"And I told you that you weren't allowed to speak badly about yourself?" he continued. I nodded into his shoulder. "Well, that still applies, okay? There are so many wonderful things about you, Kellin, I promise."

"How do you know? You can't see me! You can't see how much of a mess I am," I told him, as my own eyes started to fill with tears. It probably made me a terrible person for pointing out his disability like that, but I was just so upset.

"It doesn't matter," he insisted. Firmly, desperately. "You're beautiful anyway. I can practically feel your beauty radiating off of you."

"Stop lying to me!" I cried, holding onto him. We probably looked so pathetic, just sitting there in the hospital bed, both of us bordering on hysteria. I couldn't control my sobs anymore though.

"I'm not, Kellin, I would never fucking lie to you, okay? I love you so much, okay?" he told me, defensively. "I may not be able to see you or anything, but I don't need to be able to do that in order to know how good you are. You are the most kind-hearted, patient person I know. Did you know that?"

"No," I said, stubbornly.

"Well you are," he told me, loosening his grip on me a little so he could kiss my cheek. His lips felt so foreign. "You are the best thing that's ever happened to me, Kellin Quinn. I love you."

"I love you too," I told him, choking back sobs. ---

I felt like I was in the hospital forever, and I hated it. I was starting to wonder why they didn't just pump my stomach and let me leave. I mean, that's what people did for drug overdoses right? Whatever. But then the moment finally came when they were letting me out of that room.

"Finally, I can't wait to go home and sleep," I mumbled, as my mother and the doctor stood across from me. I swung my legs over the side of the bed, ready to go, assuming my mom would drop me back off at the dorms.

"Sweetie . . . we're not going home, not yet," she told me sadly. I looked between the two of them, wondering what was going on that they weren't telling me.

"Kellin, this may not be what you want to hear, but I think school is going to have to be put on hold for now. So, we're just moving you to the psychiatric wing, okay?" he told me. I just gaped at him, in disbelief.

"I don't want to," I told him, shaking my head. That meant I was going to have to talk to people and I didn't want more people finding out what happened. That terrified me more than anything.

"I'm sorry, sweetie, but it's for the best, okay? I just want you to be safe," My mom told me. She came over and gave me a hug, and I just sort of stood there, unable to get past the fact that they wanted to put me in a psych ward. It just made me feel like there was something wrong with me more than anything else did.