Fear and Worry

There was nothing Satya could do but stare at the lights from the buildings that were arranged randomly and tightly, or the lights from the residents' houses that stood in stark contrast to the luxurious buildings and looming skyscrapers, an arrangement that was an eyesore. Or, maybe in the light of the various passing vehicles.

However, there is nothing that Satya can enjoy with all that. He just stood on the small veranda of the third floor of the boarding house with a blank stare, standing with his hands resting on the railing. Now and then, the not-so-good night breeze hit his face.

The man's mind is full of confusion, between the tangles, there are fears and worries.

Have I done something exaggerated to Sonya?

This question kept popping up in Satya's head. About, his true feelings towards Sonya Ardhamevia this week.

Their brief relationship was not something that Satya could simply forget. There has been something embedded and perhaps growing in his heart, against the girl herself.

Is it true that I love Sonya? In just a week?

That seems impossible…

Satya took a deep breath, then turned into a long sigh that sounded so heavy as if he was about to throw away all the things that made his mind tangled and his heart constricted in a single breath.

Or, maybe like her just like that? Like her because she is a beautiful girl with very seductive curves? Just for the pleasure of making love?

For the sake of the ego that has been hurt?

If that's the case, how am I different from other men who go after a woman just for the pleasure of their crotch?

Could I be a man who is like that?

But…, if that's the case, why does this heart hurt so much? Why do I feel the emptiness away from Sonya?

What should I do?

"Hey, Sat!"

Satya gasped to hear someone greet him. He turned his head, and it was one of the three girls who were also tenants of the boarding house in the three-story house. He forced his lips to form an arch in response to the girl's greeting.

"How come you came home so early?" asked the girl who was only wearing a black tank top without a bra, and hot pants. She approached the railing, standing to the right of Satya. She glanced at Satya. "Hmm?"

Satya took a deep breath as he turned his gaze from the girl's cleavage which seemed to be bubbling up—perhaps with the addition of silicone inside, he thought—to the passing vehicle on the other end. Then, shook his head weakly.

The girl smiled, her gaze also fixed in the same direction.

"You know," she said, "everyone in this boarding house knows you just have a girlfriend."

Satya glanced at the girl, the girl smiled again.

"Yeah," the girl nodded, "we all know that. It's kind of big news considering you haven't thought about romance all this time. With you rarely coming home this week, it has become something suspicious to all of us."

Satya just smiled blandly in response to the girl's words. This one was not as aggressive as the others, he thought. She is also quite beautiful with big breasts, a slim waist, and high buttocks. Satya shifted his gaze from the girl's buttocks to the night sky which seemed to have lost its beautiful decoration this time.

Where did the stars go?

"And now," the girl glanced at Satya again, "you came home with a face that is hard to describe. Are you okay, Sat?"

"Yeah," said Satya with another deep breath. "I'm just… a little tired."

The girl giggled, shaking her head. She knows that, at this boarding house, Satya is very rarely open about his problems to other residents, not even to Mrs. Henny or her husband as the owner of the boarding house itself.

"You're always full of mysteries," said the girl with a sweet smile. "You know, I'm just like the others, very curious about you. You are different from all the men who inhabit this house."

Again Satya glanced at the girl on his right, and again the girl giggled which in Satya's eyes looked like it was intentional to provoke something from within him against the girl herself.

"I won't charge you anything," said the girl with a look into the man's eyes. She winked at him.

"Hey–"

"I'm serious," said the girl. "If you need someone to cheer you up by giving you a kind of pleasure, I'd be happy to do that for you."

"Don't!" again Satya averted his gaze towards the tall buildings in front of him. "That's not necessary."

"You sure?" the girl shifted slightly, closer to Satya. "You know, Sat, your current state screams that out so clearly. And I don't mind accompanying you until morning. After all, I'm not working tonight."

"Your offer is very tempting," said Satya without looking at the girl. "But no. Thank you. Excuse me…"

Satya glanced at the girl for a moment before finally leaving.

The girl took a deep breath with a smile and gaze fixed on Satya until the man disappeared into his room. Then, she turned her gaze to the night sky.

Right, she thought. He's not a common guy who can be seduced easily.

Wearing only his underwear, Satya lay on his back. His hands were folded upwards, to be additional support for his head. His gaze returned to a blank look, fixed on the ceiling.

The incident at Sonya's house this afternoon came back to haunt his mind, always fixed on the same fears and worries.

What if Sonya revealed the secret of their relationship to the people at the office later?

This might happen. All humans are the same, though Satya, when they feel hurt, then they will put forward any excuse to repay the pain. The closest example is Satya himself.

With the excuse of Sonya's pregnancy, Satya blames the girl for disappointing him.

And Satya was getting more and more worried about what Sonya would do after all this. He forced Sonya to understand that Sonya forgot the possibility of her getting pregnant was very high given her status as Mr. Hengky's mistress.

However, Satya also realized that he too had to understand, to have a relationship with Sonya, he should know that one day, something like what Sonya was experiencing right now would happen.

Doesn't this symbolize how selfish you are as a man?

Satya even feels ashamed of himself, he covers part of his face with one hand.

How can you force that girl to understand her condition while you don't want to understand your own condition?!

And the more scared Satya is with it all, the more worried Satya is that it makes his mind go crazy, something terrible that Sonya might do later.

Imagine if Sonya later told Mr. Hengky that Sonya had an intimate relationship with Satya?

Or, maybe Sonya is not strong enough to bear the burden of life that befell her right now, and then chooses to commit suicide?

Yes, suicide.

And this is not a trivial matter. It's not about the girl hanging herself, or jumping into a very deep abyss, and then dying, and the problem is over.

No, Satya, no!

The police will surely suspect or at least, will find the reason behind the incident. You know what will happen next?

Your name is Satya! You yourself!

You'll get carried away, and the whole world will know that you've had an intimate relationship with someone else's mistress. You might be branded as a heartless man by just looking for your crotch pleasures on that girl. You will be branded as a bad man who allows his partner to commit suicide while pregnant.

You will be a terrible man in the eyes of society!

The more Satya was lost in this thought, the more restless he became in his silence. The word wish appeared and disappeared over and over in his head.

This would not only dishonor him—at least, in the eyes of his co-workers, but it might also threaten his life. Of course, if Mr. Hengky knew about his relationship with Sonya, Mr. Hengky certainly would not remain silent.

Against Sonya, who incidentally is his affair, Mr. Hengky easily resorts to violence, especially against Satya who is only an employee at his company. An ordinary man who doesn't even have anyone he can turn to. Nor is it just possessions to defend himself, by hiring a bodyguard, for example.

This is what made Satya almost unable to sleep that night he was awake until the Fajr Adhan sounded faintly to his ears, with all the complexities of problems that still reigned in his head and heart.

Then, an old house in his hometown, in a remote area, on the island of Bali, suddenly appeared in his head as if it was a temporary answer to the problems he was currently experiencing.

"Yeah," Satya mumbled half inaudibly, between consciously or not, "perhaps going back to Bali is the best for me…"

***