Saying Goodbye

He excused himself to be home early in order to pack. JC was pondering about his trip on his way out of the office. Now was his opportunity to see his father's homeland for the first time. What could he expect to see? His parents were immigrants in the States and his father had only been back twice for more than thirty years, never with them children. His father who was a practicing surgeon couldn't find time to go back and visit his country again. The other reason was that his mother, who was from Madrid, Spain preferred to see other places than to see his father's native land, ostensibly for no reason at all, but JC knew it was distance.

With more than enough amount of time, JC got into his 4x4 to do one more thing before he'd be off on this long journey. He drove along Broadway Street toward the north from his apartment. Visiting Mary Dames was on his agenda. He owed it to her. After driving some blocks and passing a park he slowed down on nearing the corner, and then turned to 153rd Street. In minutes he parked on the road vacated by a deluxe Impala Chevy, in between two parked cars. He got off, locked the car then strode toward the gate. The engraving at the entrance said Trinity Catholic Cemetery. He felt nostalgic on seeing the chapel that stood right at the entrance. A year before he was here. He took the stairs. He paused then pushed the massive door a little to see if it was open. It was dimly lit. The smell of Frangipani flowers and burning candles floated in the air. Once inside he took the last pew, sitting there for a few minutes, contemplating.

At the sides there were three doors that led outside. He slipped out through one of them. As soon as he was out of the chapel his eyes landed on the gravestones arranged neatly in rows on the grassy knoll. Now, he was here again. He noted that there had been no changes – only it got one year older. His leather soles creaked on the cobbled stones as he moved forward. Memories poignant as yesteryears came rushing in. Notched on the stone was Mary Dames' name. He paused in front then lowered himself to place the bunch of red roses beside it. Now he was near. After clearing his throat, he croaked.

Mary dear . . . I wish you can hear me. Time has flown by and I missed you more than ever. I'm here to see you before I go. I'll be out for a few weeks perhaps . . . on a business trip.

I thought it was easy to forget. It wasn't. It still isn't easy. We did things together. Remember you said it would all be for our future? I carry that thought wherever I go. I would have been the happiest person on earth . . . Your departure was a total deception. It was unfair of you to suddenly leave. You should have seen how I suffered for months. Until now the pain still lingers. Yes, I know there's an end to everything, even to sorrow and pain. How I wish it were in a different direction. I would have preferred the other way for it may have been easier to bear.

I wish you could have known how destiny paved the way to where I am now. I'm thankful for all the blessings. It would have been great if you were still around with me to share it with. There are bumpy roads but the rides would have been easier with you around. In your absence everything seems meaningless. I've loved you and I still do.

I tried to get through to you. It's crazy. But I went to an Ashram in Nepal hoping to get some results, but I think I am not meant to be successful in the mystical way of communicating with the other world.

Mary, I'm here to ask your permission. After several deliberations and tossing, I think time has come for me to ease the pain and move forward. And that moving forward doesn't mean forgetting you and all the fun memories we had together. I want to go back to a normal life and perhaps meet someone else to share my life with. I guess it would not be undeserving on my part to do that with your permission. I hope you will understand and if someday we will meet again someplace, you would see the reason to all my supplications.

I'm saying goodbye, my dear. But this won't be the last. I will still visit you until this longing in my heart runs out. No, there's nobody who could replace you in my heart. Nobody could and nobody will. I'm saying goodbye because I want to live a normal life, a life with no shackles, no loads to carry, or guilt to bear. A life that I could build without the lingering thought of you behind me.

If you will allow me to let everything run its normal course, please whisper it to me …whisper it to me in any way or manner.

His voice trailed off. Cool breeze brushed his hair, signalling him it was time to go. He pulled himself up then said goodbye, taking the same way as he had entered, out into the street and back to the car. He backed off then headed toward his apartment.