ALL BECAUSE OF HIM

After being scolded like a troublesome child, Gabriel sent me away just like that. He didn't even bother to see me out nor had the initiative to let any of his drivers take me home. He just ordered one of his servants to accompany me out and that's it. 

This pains me a lot. It really does. It was like old deep wounds getting scraped again and again, thus creating a bottomless gash and much cavernous damage. The abrasions of my past, which I thought had long gone healed are now back, plaguing and tormenting me endlessly. The affliction and misery that had haunted me for years, now relived in my heart, all over again.

I'm sick and tired of being treated like a leftover. To always be the last in line and waiting for a breakthrough to be recognized and to be acknowledged. The feeling of consistently soliciting for affection and begging for attention which I had experienced all my life. I'm so jaded to people treating me like trash or something ridiculously filthy and unwanted. 

Never in my entire existence had I received affection or care, not from my relatives, and not from my parents and siblings. They always made me feel that I was a nobody, someone of no importance and had no influence or value. They consistently showed me that I didn't belong in their circle, that even if I am not around, I wouldn't be missed. 

Sometime, during my teenage years, I came to a point where I accepted myself to be the adopted one. My father used to adore my elder sister, that until his very last breath, she was the apple of his eyes. My mother on the other hand, treasured her first born like he was everything for her. Up to this very moment, neither my two siblings, even my mother, cared about my well-being. They didn't even bother to look for me when I eloped and outcasted myself from their lives. 

The only person who treated me out of the ordinary was Angelou. She was the only one who valued me and made me feel loved and important. She, out of everyone else, showed me light amidst the darkness surrounding me. We are best of friends, my confidant every time I was alone and sober. She was the best I ever had, but that was until Gabriel entered my life. Everything changes the minute he steps into my world. I never thought life could be much brighter until he came along. 

All along I thought acceptance and love were enough to survive in this cruel world. I thought Angelou was enough to make me feel I am still a human after all, but I was wrong. There is more in life that love and companionship could give, a whole lot more. And Gabriel has it. He has lots of it. He didn't only make me feel special, especially every time I am locked in his arms and drowned in his kisses, but he gave me the world I never imagined I could have a hold of. He made me feel euphoric with all the things I have now, all the glitters and gold a girl could ever ask for. He pampered me more than I ever deserved.

But amidst this glittery world I am in now, there is still one thing that's lacking. I thought Gabriel was different from the rest. I thought he was the one sent to me to show me that there is still a perfect rainbow after the numerous storms I had been through. I conceptualized him as the savior I was searching for all my life, who will save me from the muddy pit I have been pondered at. I thought he was perfect, but he is not. Though he gave me everything, materially, I still couldn't feel the love that only Angelou unselfishly extended to me. 

But nonetheless, I don't regret anything. I didn't regret letting go of the friendship I have with Angelou, nor the love and companion she shared with me. Who needs love when you are poor? Who cares for friendship when both of you are struggling for things that only the rich and famous could afford to have? Who desires companionship when you are starving to death? No one. 

Only pathetic ones will choose love over wealth. Love can be learned in the process, but wealth? It doesn't come to anyone's doorstep easily. Someone needs to work a hundred times harder to achieve financial success. And now that this huge opportunity came to my life, who am I to decline it? As they say, opportunity knocks only once. So either grab it and leisurely enjoy the fruit of it, or let it pass and live the rest of your life regretting what you just let go of. 

That is why, even though Gabriel is also an imperfect one, I will not let go of him. He provided almost everything I needed and even what my eyes wanted, something I didn't get the chance to experience before. I became a nobody to somebody because of him. I achieved my childhood dreams, almost every bit of it, because of him. I can spend extravagantly with any luxurious things I desire, because of him. It was all because of him that I am now living the life I truly want and only crave for before. So I would never let go of him even if I die. No one will take him away from me, not even Angelou herself. 

'You can call me or think of me anything you want, Angelou. Your words and thoughts will never shake me. If you think I am selfish, shameless, a gold-digger, an ambitious bitch, an ingrate or even an unfaithful friend… Well newsflash! I don't give a fuck! I don't give a damn about what you feel, Angelou, just like how I cared less about the feelings of my so-called family. And just like what I told you before, Gabriel is mine and he will be mine whatever it takes and whoever stands in my way. I will do everything to ruin you in front of him, so he will dispatch you earlier than expected. I will make sure that you won't be a stumbling block for me in achieving my goals. I will have my way in Gabriel's life. And no one, not even his powerful father, can stop me from fulfilling it!'