44. Chapter 44

Nicole had a very meticulous dental routine. First she brushed her teeth for well over two minutes, taking care to brush her gums and tongue as well, with gentle circular motions. Then she flossed thoroughly between all of her teeth with practised hands, and finally she used mouthwash for another minute while she washed her face and applied skin cream. 

“What?” she asked when she finally spit out the mouthwash after gurgling at the back of her throat for a few seconds. Waverly had been staring at her for a while before she noticed.

Waverly smiled. She was guilty of skipping mouthwash most days, and flossing was usually done hurriedly. Her gums were bleeding somewhat lately, but apparently that was all part of the pregnancy. Most days Waverly was so tired when she finally prepared herself for bed, and her own routine had been lacking recently. 

“Nothing, you’re just cute,” she said and pecked Nicole’s shoulder. 

It was the first night they were going to spend together, and Waverly had been looking forward to it all week. Discovering Nicole’s bedtime routine was a pleasant part of it, but far from the highlight of the evening. 

“Which side do you prefer?” Waverly asked when they entered Nicole’s bedroom. 

“Uh, this side.” Nicole pointed.

Waverly nodded and headed to what would be her side, but Nicole stopped her. 

“Wait. I’ve got, uh. I got something. For you.”

Waverly looked at her. Nicole was fidgeting suddenly, nervous to reveal whatever it was she had gotten her, but then she smiled and gestured for Waverly to stay put. Waverly obediently sat down on the edge of the bed, following Nicole with her eyes as she turned to her closet. She opened the doors and stretched her arm up to the top shelf, over the rack of neatly ironed button-ups. She had to stand on her tiptoes to reach properly, and Waverly didn’t mind the way her girlfriends back stretched out to its full length, the thin tank top doing nothing to hide the form underneath. Then the stretch was gone and Nicole turned around, holding a long, sausage-shaped pillow in her hands, still in its original packaging. 

“It’s a pregnancy pillow,” Nicole explained, holding it out for Waverly. 

“You bought me a pregnancy pillow?” Waverly asked, slightly shocked. It was an incredibly thoughtful gesture. She could feel tears gathering in the corner of her eye as she took the pillow carefully and put it in her lap. 

Nicole came to sit next to her. She nodded sheepishly. “Yeah. I thought… Maybe you needed it, if you ever wanted to spend the night.”

Waverly stared at the present. It was as long as she was, maybe even longer, and slightly bent, like a parenthesis. She blinked, making a tear glide down her cheek. 

“Thank you.” 

Waverly turned to look at Nicole who still seemed a bit uncertain about the whole thing. She bent forward, softly kissing Nicole’s cheek. 

“I love it.”

Nicole nodded, and together they started unwrapping the pillow. It had a soft white cotton cover. The pillow itself was quite firm but still squishy, like memory foam but lighter. 

“It’s supposed to support your bump and everything,” Nicole said. “I think you’re supposed to put it between your knees and sort of curl around it.”

Waverly had been using an array of pillows she’d collected from Gus and Wynonna’s rooms to make herself comfortable at night. One pillow between her knees, one pillow tucked underneath her protruding stomach, one pillow behind her back, and two pillows supporting her head and neck. It was quite the operation to put it all in place each night, and the effort was usually short lived. Sometimes, when she woke up because she had to pee, the pillows were all wrong or even on the floor, and she had to build them up all over again. 

“Wasn’t it expensive?” Waverly asked, her eyebrows scrunched up. Nicole couldn’t afford something like this, not with her current situation. 

But Nicole only shrugged. “I bought it before the whole financially independent -thing.”

“So you’ve had it for, like, a month?”

Nicole shrugged again. “I just saw it in a shop, and I thought, well, maybe you would like it.”

Waverly realized something then, and a grin quickly started to spread over her face. “So you’ve been ready to bed me for that long, huh?” she asked with a sly smirk.

“Wha- No!” Nicole started objecting immediately. “No, I didn’t. I just… You already slept here once, remember? And I thought, well, you should be comfortable, if you ever wanted to stay over again.”

Waverly kissed her. “I’m just teasing, baby.”

Her hands went to Nicole’s neck then, letting go of the pillow in her lap. Instead her fingers slid into Nicole’s hair, grasping harder as she deepened the kiss.

---

“Don’t touch me,” Waverly hissed an hour later. 

Nicole had put her hand on Waverly’s hip, but she removed it quickly at Waverly’s response. “You okay, baby?” she asked quietly.

“Just sensitive.”

Waverly’s brain was somehow foggy and hyper-aware of her senses all at the same time. Her skin was on fire, and Nicole’s touch had made another electric current jolt through her, making her entire body jump at the contact. Waverly’s entire nervous system had been deeply overstimulated by Nicole’s tongue and fingers, resulting in the state of heightened sensation Waverly was currently experiencing.

It was simply too much. Waverly was sure that her skin would never feel normal again.

The bed dipped behind her, and suddenly there was a cool breeze on her back. Waverly jerked again. Goosebumps erupted over her entire body, covering every inch of naked skin.

“Stop it, I’m serious,” she said. She could hear Nicole’s chuckle behind her. 

Waverly turned around, finally facing the culprit. Nicole was on her side, a smug smile on her face and a playful twinkle in her eye.

"I think you ruined me," Waverly accused. 

Nicole's smirk grew bigger, pride all over her face. "I'm sorry. I'll never do it again."

Waverly eyed her suspiciously. "You better not mean that."

Nicole looked so cocky where she lay, naked and sexy and fuck . 

"Kiss me," Waverly whispered.

They kissed slowly, languidly. Waverly's body jerked again when Nicole's tongue darted out to lick her bottom lip, but it was more like a twitch this time, and Waverly could feel herself slowly regaining control over her body. 

"You should be arrested for those hands," Waverly said when Nicole started trailing her fingers over Waverly's side again. She shivered once they reached her ribs. "Oh my God.“

But then another sensation hit her in the same spot, and it kinda killed the mood. 

“Shit,” she gasped under her breath.

“What?” Nicole asked. She retracted her hand immediately, as if her touch was hurting Waverly. Her concern was evident on her brow. 

Waverly rubbed the spot. “He kicked me.”

“Oh.” Nicole’s body sagged a bit, disappointment clear on her face.

Waverly smiled weakly and carressed Nicole’s cheek with her hand. “It feels kind of weird now,” she said, implying the sexual intent that had been there just a second ago.

“Yeah…”

The kicking stopped, but Waverly could feel how her baby was shifting. She traced the movement down the side of her belly, finally meeting Nicole’s gaze when the baby settled in a new position. 

“He’s here. You wanna feel?”

Nicole eagerly put her hand in place, the smile back on her lips. She’d become quite the expert on how to feel for movement, putting her hand flat against Waverly’s skin with just the right amount of pressure. As always, her face was filled with wonder, and the sight tugged at Waverly’s heartstrings.

“It’s amazing,” Nicole said, like she’d said so many times when she held her hand like this.

“ You’re amazing,” Waverly whispered back, a timid smile on her lips. 

Nicole smiled again and leaned forward to kiss Waverly, her hand still on the baby bump. She got a mischievous look on her face then, and she started scooting down on the bed. Waverly almost thought that Nicole was gonna go for another round, even though Waverly had declared the mood to be killed, but of course she wouldn’t have done that without Waverly’s consent. Instead Nicole settled with her face just at the level of Waverly’s belly button, which had flattened and stretched with the growth of her abdomen. 

Very carefully, Nicole placed a delicate kiss on the spot where she’d felt the last rustle of movement. Then she opened her mouth and said with the softest voice, “Did you know that your mommy is the most beautiful woman on this earth? You’ll see when you get here.”

A whimper escaped from Waverly’s mouth. Her hand jerked to her face to hide the sudden sob that had announced itself, and she could feel herself shaking for an entirely different reason than before. A warmth rushed through her body, emanating from her chest where a thousand distant suns burst into heat and light and love. With a shaky hand she grasped blindly until she found Nicole’s steady fingers against her belly. She squeezed them, and Nicole squeezed back, binding them together in this moment in time. 

No one had talked to Waverly’s baby yet, not even her. It was too daunting, because it meant that the sporadic movements inside her stomach were somehow a real person, and she wasn’t ready for that to be true yet. But here they were, clinging together as lovers, and now, perhaps, mothers. With a few words, Nicole had presented Waverly’s son to the world, introducing him to Waverly and to Nicole, and it made her heart swell. The beating muscle grew at least three sizes right there and then, echoing the love that was there. For Waverly’s baby. For Nicole. 

“Can he hear me?” Nicole asked with a whisper, tilting her head up to Waverly for an answer.

Waverly could only nod. Her lips were busy holding in another sob.

Nicole turned back to face Waverly’s stomach again. Her eyes looked like they could see right through the layers of skin and muscle, right inside the womb.

“Hey, little guy, it’s Nicole. I just wanted to tell you about your momma.” 

She lowered her voice until it was almost inaudible for Waverly, as if this was a private conversation between the baby and herself.

“She has the biggest heart and the kindest smile, and she’s brave and funny and smart, and I bet she’ll help you with all of your homework. I know she’s gonna be the best mommy in the world. You’re gonna be so lucky, little baby. You’re gonna be so loved.”

Waverly’s breath was unsteady, but Nicole’s hand wasn’t. She squeezed Waverly’s fingers rhythmically while she talked. 

“I know she’s very excited to meet you, and so am I. And I know things are gonna be hard sometimes, because your momma has been through some things to get here, but she’s very brave and she loves you very much, so you just gotta be patient, alright?” 

Waverly closed her eyes. She could feel herself shaking uncontrollably with the overwhelming emotions.

Nicole continued. “It’s gonna be a while, but we're here when you come out, okay? Meanwhile, I’m gonna take really good care of her, so that she can take care of you.”

There were tears streaming down Waverly’s face. Silent tears of pride and happiness for her little boy and for Nicole. 

Nicole kissed her belly again. “I made your mommy cry, little baby, but that’s alright, because I think it only means that she’s really happy and that she loves you very, very much.”

Waverly nodded at this, choking mid-nod on another sob, and suddenly Nicole was there again, kissing her wet cheeks and her nose and her lips, and holding her very, very tight. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry,” she whispered as she held her in her arms.

Waverly couldn’t answer. She cried and cried, and let Nicole’s strong arms cradle her against her chest. Her eyes were puffed and her nose was stuffed and she was all over pretty gross, but it didn’t matter, because Nicole was there and she held her tight and she loved her. And she would love Waverly forever, if she just let her. 

And Waverly loved Nicole too. She loved her so much, right in this moment, with all her heart and all her soul. And it felt good, but it scared her, and maybe that was the reason that she decided to run. 

“I -” 

She started to push back at Nicole’s chest, making room for her to withdraw from the safety of her arms. She evaded her eyes, looking everywhere but at Nicole’s kind face, the face that had just promised the world to her and her baby.

“I have to -”

She scooched herself all the way to the edge of the bed and sat up. She felt a little lightheaded, but it didn’t stop her. She had to get out, and now. Waverly reached for her t-shirt and her underwear on the floor and quickly put it on, and then she was off.

“Waverly, what -”

“I gotta pee.”

She was out the door and almost ran to the bathroom, shutting the door behind her with a bang. 

She really did have to pee, Waverly realized, so she sat down on the toilet, trying to let herself relax. 

“Oh, god,” she sighed and leaned forward, letting her head rest in the palms of her hands. 

Nicole made Waverly feel all of these things and they were good feelings, but there were too many of them and it was suddenly very overwhelming. Nicole was too good for her. She was too good at making her feel sexy and beautiful, and she was too good at making her feel loved and cared for, and she was too good at making her laugh and smile and think and cry, and it was all becoming too much . And now Nicole was talking to her unborn baby, saying all of these lovely things about her, and promising him the whole entire world and she would be there for him and for them and take care of them for ever , and she had bought a goddamn pillow , just so that she would feel comfortable in her bed. 

What am I gonna do what am I gonna do what am I gonna do…

Waverly’s brain went a hundred miles and hour, panicking about all the love she was feeling. Because it was too good to be true, and it wasn’t real , and Waverly didn’t deserve it. Because Nicole was saying all of these beautiful things now, but then she would leave again, or betray her again with a new lie, and Waverly would be all alone with her baby, and Nicole would be gone.

There was a soft knock on the door. “Waverly, are you okay?” came Nicole’s concerned voice.

Every fiber of her body told Waverly to run, to get out as soon as she could, and run far, far away from Nicole Haught, before she broke her heart again, because all of this was too good to be true. 

“Eh, yeah, I’m coming.”

Shit , she cursed herself. Just come up with a lie. Say you have to go because of Wynonna or homework or Chrissy or…

“Do you want me to make you some tea? I’ve got cocoa too.”

Waverly sighed again. Nicole was really, really good. Too good. She pinched her thigh, forcing herself to just stop for a moment. 

“Cocoa sounds really great,” she called with a weak voice. 

Nicole wasn't luring her into a trap, right? With a plan to bolt as soon as the baby arrives, leaving Waverly with a screaming newborn in her arms? Nicole had been unjust once before, but they'd sorted all of that stuff out, and now they were so focused on communicating and sharing their thoughts and feelings… 

Except here Waverly was, hiding away in the bathroom because Nicole had talked to her baby and it had just been… a little too overwhelming. 

This was exactly the sort of thing Waverly should be communicating, she reminded herself, to tell Nicole that all the feelings inside of her had just sort of started overflowing, and now Waverly was scared that maybe it wasn't all true, because it couldn't be. Because it was too good .

Waverly rustled her hair a little with her fingers, feeling the long, messy waves twirl around her face. She should talk to Nicole. 

Or… 

Or she could just keep up the appearance and see where it goes. 

But she should definitely talk to her. 

Yes. That's the right thing to do. 

Waverly finished up on the toilet and slowly washed her hands, spending a longer time than usual under the hot tap. 

Nicole had put her pyjamas back on, along with a grey GRU hoodie, and was stirring two steaming cups of cocoa when Waverly finally opened the bathroom. She looked up, trying to read Waverly’s expression as she padded quietly to where she was sitting on the couch. 

Waverly smiled pleasantly at her girlfriend and sat down next to her, curling her feet underneath her body. It was in the middle of the night, and it was dark outside. Her t-shirt and panties suddenly didn't feel too warm. 

“Blanket?” Nicole asked, always tuned in to that special frequency that Waverly was on. 

"Yes, please," said Waverly sheepishly, hugging herself for warmth. 

Calamity Jane was curled up into a fluffy orange ball right on top of the bundled up blanket on the far end of the couch. Nicole petted the cat once before swiftly lifting her up and putting her down on a pillow instead. CJ immediately stretched out her paws with a little “mrrrp” and got up, eyeing Nicole wickedly with her giant yellow eyes before jumping down from the couch and stalking off to lie on the heated bathroom floor instead. Nicole handed the blanket to Waverly, who took it with a grateful smile and wrapped it around her body. When Nicole sat down again, she was careful to leave some space between them. 

“You okay?” she asked. 

Waverly nodded. She smiled again, but she wasn't so sure that she was convincing Nicole. She reached for her cup, trying to distract Nicole from looking right through her, but stopped when Nicole spoke again.

“It’s really hot, still.”

"Oh, right."

Waverly let her hand fall back into her lap, unsure of what to do next. 

Nicole cleared her throat. “I’m sorry if I, uh, said something, or…”

Nicole’s voice trailed off. Waverly could see in the periphery of her downcast gaze how Nicole’s fingers were fiddling with the cord of her pyjama pants, and she immediately condemned herself. 

Why was she like this? Why couldn’t she just trust that Nicole was speaking the truth and actually did care about her?

Waverly sighed. She always had to ruin everything, and now Nicole was hurting too, just because of her little emotional freak out. 

Waverly turned to look at her girlfriend. Now it was Nicole who was avoiding eye contact. “Nicole.”

Nicole’s fingers stopped fidgeting, waiting patiently for whatever she was gonna say.

Waverly reached out a hand to Nicole, but Nicole didn’t take it, so it landed limply on her thigh, not really serving any purpose. Waverly swallowed. “I’m sorry. I was just… overwhelmed.”

Nicole was still for a second before she nodded. She looked like a puppy that had just been kicked really hard in the face, and it made Waverly's fingers ache. Suddenly she was ashamed of her reaction. Nicole was just being romantic, trying to show Waverly how much their relationship meant to her. And Waverly had run off, like she always did. 

"Was it something I did?” Nicole asked with a rough voice. “I mean, I shouldn't talk to… him. If you don't want me to."

"No, Nicole, that wasn't -" 

"'Cause he's your baby and I'm just me, and we haven't really talked about what that means for you and me, or if it means anything at all, because maybe you -" 

"Wait, Nicole. Stop." 

"- don't want me to be part of it, and that's okay, because I know I don't really have anything to -" 

"Nicole." 

Waverly's stern voice cut through Nicole's ramble, finally shutting her up. Waverly didn't know what she was gonna say, but she knew that Nicole's words were all wrong now. 

She wasn’t usually like this, Waverly thought. Nicole was calm and confident, and the anchor to Waverly’s wavering ship. But Nicole didn’t know how they were gonna deal with all of this either. 

We’re both scared , Waverly realized.

She took a deep breath. "You did nothing wrong. It was actually really sweet.” 

She tried to give Nicole a reassuring smile, but her lip quivered and Nicole was only watching the stripes on her pyjama pants anyway. 

Waverly swallowed, trying to find her voice again. “I was just a bit overwhelmed, because I was feeling all of these things all at the same time, and I just got really scared. Of you."

Nicole looked at her. Her eyebrows twitched for a millisecond, pulling together in confusion before turning back to normal. Nicole really had beautiful eyebrows, Waverly reflected, staring at them. They had the same deep color as her hair, and they had a perfect shape, bending in just the right way to frame the warm hazelnut eyes underneath. 

"I scare you?" Nicole asked, and Waverly blinked. Nicole’s voice was filled with wonderment, as if she could never believe that in a million years. 

Waverly nodded. "You do." 

Suddenly there was the need to hold Nicole. She clasped their hands together, grasping tightly for support. Nicole pressed Waverly's fingers in the palms of her hands, eager to comfort. 

"You do. Because what if this is all fake, and you're off as soon as he's born? Or after that, when he's one, or. Just…" 

Waverly shook her head. Nicole grasped their hands tighter, scooching closer as if to say "I'm here". But she didn’t say anything, letting Waverly explain her troublesome thoughts without interference. 

"It just got really real,” Waverly concluded. “With you and him and everything. And it was too good, and I don't deserve it, so my brain just went sploosh , because it couldn't be true."

"It's all true, Waverly," Nicole whispered, her eyes big and compassionate. "I wanna be there, if you want me." 

There it was again. Nicole's willingness to dive in front of a car for Waverly, to give up everything she had at Waverly’s request. It was almost suffocating, the love that Nicole had to give. 

An old feeling of guilt presented itself then, from when Nicole had told her how her parents had cut her off. Waverly knew that it wouldn’t have happened if she hadn’t been there. Nicole would still have the apartment and her spacious bank account if Waverly hadn’t been her girlfriend. Sometimes she wondered if that would make Nicole’s life easier. 

She withdrew her hands.

"No, you can't… You can't promise me that, Nicole." Waverly shook her head. "We don't know what's gonna happen, and I don't know what I'll do if… If…" Finally she blurted out the truth. "You can't promise me those things because what will I do if they turn out to be wrong?" 

She choked, and every last breath of air escaped from her lungs. Waverly looked desperately up at Nicole, but she only looked back at her with such compassion. 

"Oh, Waverly. I won't -" 

"Don't say it," Waverly begged with tears in her eyes. Nicole didn't get it, or she wouldn't have tried to come with new promises still. 

She looked up at her girlfriend’s soft face. The conflict was clear in Nicole's eyes. She wanted to comfort Waverly, with her words and her body, but she also wanted to play by Waverly's rules, and those two things didn't fit together. 

As a result, Nicole decided to pull Waverly into a tight embrace. Finally, both of them let go, howling with emotion until they were out of shivering tears. They cried and cried, and clutched each other oh, so close, because they needed each other, but Waverly couldn’t deal with the words and the promises, and so they just sat in silence. 

The cluster of thoughts from before had resolved a little bit, but Waverly’s mind wasn’t entirely at rest just yet. Her brain had reeled with questions about Nicole’s role in her upcoming parenthood for a while now, but their relationship still felt so young, and what if Nicole didn’t want to be anything more than just her girlfriend? At least now she knew Nicole was in it for real, although they hadn’t had the actual conversation yet. 

Nicole wanted this, Waverly reminded herself as she buried her face in Nicole’s neck. And she wanted it too. She wanted Nicole by her side in this next adventure, because Nicole would be great. She could already picture her with a little boy on her arm, walking in nature and pointing at the birds in the sky. The picture made her smile, but it also scared her to shit. It wasn’t Nicole’s fault, it was only her. Her and her stupid fear of being left behind.

Waverly sniffed, extracting herself carefully from their tight embrace. "You wanna go to bed?" 

Nicole’s face was wet and red with tears, just as Waverly’s face probably was. She nodded, but then remembered, "Oh! But we got cocoa." 

They drank it quickly, both tired and ready for sleep, eager to collapse into each other's arms once more. 

They entwined their fingers on the short walk from the living room to Nicole’s bedroom, only letting go when they were back at the bed. Nicole helped Waverly adjust her pillow so that it was supporting her body in all the right places, and then Nicole curled around her back, spooning her from behind. 

"Is this okay?" she asked quietly, and the question broke Waverly's heart. 

Waverly nodded and drew Nicole's arm around her, clutching her hand against her chest. She placed a soft kiss on the knuckles of Nicole’s fingers, and whispered, "It's perfect."

But still, Waverly lay awake ruminating about the tight knot of doubts in her chest for endless minutes into the night. Nicole’s body was tense behind her, instead of relaxed with sleep, and her breath was superficial. They were both awake, and they were both worked up with worries about each other, and they would lay there in silence, with wars going on in their heads, until they finally succumbed to a restless sleep many moments later.