19. Chapter 19

“Take a deep breath. Notice how your chest expands as your lungs fill up with air.”

A calm voice with a pleasant Australian accent filled the dark room.

“We’re going to take a journey that is as effortless and natural as your breathing.”

Nicole was in her bed, desperately trying to sleep. She took a deep breath like the man in her meditation app suggested, and closed her eyes.

“Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth.”

Her breath shuddered as she emptied her lungs. 

“Let your eyes close.”

Nicole quickly opened her eyes at the command and then closed them again.

Fuck, I’m already doing it wrong.

“Search for any tension in your body and mind.”

There’s fucking tension everywhere.

Nicole’s mind was buzzing. Her brain felt fried after a week of midterms. The last one was tomorrow, in Criminology. It was her favorite subject this semester, but damn if a midterm sucked anyway. 

Nicole noticed how her shoulders felt awkward as she was lying on her back. There was tension alright, lots of it. But she couldn’t seem to let it go. Her expensive memory foam mattress suddenly didn’t feel so comfortable.

“Take a deep breath in, inviting in growth and healing.”

She took a deep breath, filling her lungs so that her chest expanded deliciously.

“And when you are ready, letting go of any anger or resentment you carry within you.”

She exhaled with a sigh, feeling her chest deflating in the process. There was no anger inside her, was there? Resentment? Suddenly her mother popped up in her mind. Her fucking mother with her fucking demands and her controlling and fuck . 

Nicole hadn’t opened any of the emails her mother had sent this week. She’d only replied a short “Thanks!” when her Dad had wished her good luck with midterms, swiftly ignoring his imploring request to answer her mother’s messages.

She took another breath and tried her best to blow away any thoughts of Jackie Haught with her next exhale. With great effort she returned to the Australian voice who she suddenly noticed had already carried on.

“Repeat this process, allowing yourself to drift into a deeper sense of relaxation.”

Shit, what process? The breathing?

“And now, allow your body to remain totally relaxed. Turn your awareness to your body and let it inhabit your entire being.”

Back to the shoulders. How come lying supine is suddenly super uncomfortable? Relaxing, my ass. But I’m supposed to lie on my back, right?

She debated changing her position, maybe turn on her side, but decided against it. 

“Begin listening to the rhythm of your breath. Do not try to change it. Instead, simply notice how it feels to let your respiration run automatically.”

The second Nicole started noticing the rhythm of her breath, it felt weird. Did she even have a rhythm? Suddenly breathing felt like the most difficult thing.

“You notice the gentle rise and fall of your chest as you breathe in and out, every breath taking you ever deeper into a feeling of peace.”

Nicole decided her “natural rhythm” didn’t work, and just went for a steady pace instead - natural or not. She tried to concentrate on the tape while mechanically breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth.

“You can feel the anxiety and tension you’ve been carrying with you melting into nothingness. From your scalp. Forehead. Eyes. Cheeks. Mouth. Jaw. And neck.”

There was a lot of tension in her forehead, but it was easy enough to let go of it, to let the muscles relax and the wrinkles smooth out. 

My neck though, impossible to relax. How am I supposed to let my neck sink further into the mattress?

“...from your upper back, all the way down your spine.”

Shit, have we done the shoulders already? But I need to do the shoulders.

“...your pelvis, your chest…”

All the way down my back and then up to my chest again? It would be more logical to go “upper back, chest”, and then “lower back, stomach”.

“...your heart….”

How the fuck am I supposed to relax my heart? I don’t control my heart.

“...your legs, knees, calves…”

Focus, Haught.

“...all the way down to the tips of your toes.”

At least she nailed the toes. Goodbye, toe-tension.

“You are now completely free from all tension and anxiety.”

Well…

“You are free and utterly relaxed. You are safe.”

Safe from what?

“Take a moment to notice any changes in the way you hold your body.”

She did feel more relaxed, especially her facial features. But her shoulders were still oddly tense. She wiggled them up to her ears and tried to let them relax with a forced huff . After three of these she decided this was as good as it was gonna get, and returned her attention back to the voice.

“As I count back from five, you will imagine that you are in a special place that is peaceful and calming.”

Shit, shit, shit, what place am I gonna choose.

Nicole started searching her mind for a place that brought her peace.

“Five…”

She skipped any place in Toronto, even the gymnasium where she used to practice basketball three times a week, with the bleachers where she’d kissed a girl for the first time.

Emma Grace.

“Four…”

Her apartment? It was home, but did it bring her inner peace? In that case she wouldn’t have to listen to this fucking tape, did she?

“Three…”

Waverly maybe? Sipping hot chocolate and watching the girl talk at Hetty’s, or conversing over Doc’s food at Peacemaker. Strolling through the park with soft snowflakes melting on her rosy cheeks, or waking up to the most gorgeous sight with the smell of Gus’ pancakes wafting in from the kitchen. 

Or seeing her in a hospital bed with a brace on her wrist. Or wanting to brush away the tears rolling down her chin but knowing she can’t brush away the feeling of despair. Or the storm of butterflies whenever her phone buzzed because maybe it was a text from the girl she liked so much, who she was quickly starting to realize that one day very soon that like would turn into love . 

Or the fact that Waverly was still in high school and she was gonna be a mother and what the hell could Nicole bring to that table? Shae would kill her if she ever told her about the pregnancy. And speaking of Shae, why the hell had she not told Waverly about their marriage? Her mother would surely pop an aneurism if she ever found out about Nicole following a high school student around like a damn puppy. Her dad would look at her with his big meaningful eyes and his bushy eyebrows and slightly shake his head if she told him she wanted to take care of Waverly’s child.

And did Waverly even want Nicole to stick around? Would she allow her to care for her as her belly grew bigger, or after the birth? Had Waverly started to think of a future with Nicole in it, just like Nicole had started to consider herself in some sort of relationship with Waverly and her family? Was she even thinking about this stuff when there were so many other things she had to take care of?

“How does it feel to be in your safe space?”

Shit, the tape.

“Where are you? What do you see? What can you hear?”

Dude, I don’t even know.

“What can you smell?”

The flowery smell of Waverly’s shampoo.

“Let the peace enter into your whole being.”

But what is my safe place?

The voice in her app didn’t say anything more, only leaving the wavy music to fill her bedroom. It wasn’t pan flutes exactly, but some kind of synth playing simple chords shifting slowly but predictably. The sound was as relaxing as the comfortable bass voice of the Australian, but Nicole had failed to follow the instructions and her shoulders were tense and she could feel the crease between her eyebrows grow deeper again and her head was filled with impossible questions about the future. 

She lay paralyzed with internal chaos as the chords changed with a never-ending crescendo, at last succumbing to some sort of peaceful state where the low buzzing of her mind seemed to fade into the background.

When the Australian finally spoke again, instructing her to return to the room as he counted back from five once more, Nicole had already drifted off into a troubled sleep.

---

“Heeeey, Nicole!” Shae pushed herself from the wall where she was waiting for Nicole to exit the classroom where her midterm was held. “You look like shit!”

“Well, thank you. Asshole.” She felt like shit, but still. 

“How’d it go?”

Nicole shrugged. “Okay, I think. Not super.”

“I got you a present.”

Shae lifted her giant handbag, shaking it so that something clanked inside. The unmistakable sound of two bottles of cold microbrew. A perfect post-exam tradition. Midterms weren’t exams though, Nicole thought, but she appreciated the gesture.

“Wanna check out the swimming pool?” Shae asked as they started down the corridor. “I think the girls’ water polo team is practicing.”

“What happened to the softball team?”

Watching the girls’ softball team running around in short shorts was part of the tradition.

“I slept with Jaz.”

Jaz was one of those girls.

“Shae…” Nicole shook her head. “I told you to stay away from the softball chicks. You’re only getting yourself into trouble.” Amber was on the softball team as well.

“Well, that’s why we’re gonna watch the swimmers instead.”

Nicole sighed, but followed her friend obediently.

They settled in the back corner of the bleachers inside the swimming hall. Shae sneakily took out the two bottles and popped the caps. Nicole threw a quick glance at the coach who was standing with his back towards them before taking a sip. They were obviously not allowed to drink inside the different sports arenas, but that hadn’t stopped them before. 

“Cheers,” Shae said and clinked their bottles together. 

“Oh, yeah. Cheers.” Nicole took another sip, gazing absentmindedly towards the pool where the girls were playing volleyball with a giant beach ball. 

“So, was it okay? The midterm. Was it stuff you knew?”

“Can we please not do the thing were we talk about how it went?”

Nicole’s tone was rather snappy.

“Jeez. Fine.” Shae turned to look at the girls as well, giving Nicole her space. But they both knew, Shae wasn’t the type of person to let anything go. Sure enough... “Who took a chunk out of your ass, then?”

Nicole looked at her, slightly disturbed by Shae’s choice of words. She would get along with Wynonna, for sure. “You’re so weird.”

Shae ignored the comment and kept looking at her until she answered.

“I just didn’t sleep well.”

“Nervous?”

“Wha-? No. No, it’s only midterms.”

“What then, wifey?”

Shae’s attempt at humour quickly backfired. 

“You gotta stop joking about that.”

“About what? Us being married? That’s frickin’ hilarious, Nicole. My favorite joke. You used to think so too.”

Shae sounded annoyed now, but Nicole was in no state to bring the conversation back to something pleasant. 

“Waverly asked about it,” she said slowly.

“What, about our dumb married-in-a-haze trip to Las Vegas?” Shae stretched out her long legs.

Nicole shook her head. “No, about you calling me wifey .”

Shae stared at her for a few long seconds. “You haven’t told her.”

Nicole took another sip.

“Nicole, you haven’t told her?”

She shook her head shortly without looking at Shae.

“Dude, I told you to tell her.”

“I know.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“I dunno, Shae.” They were lucky they had chosen the pool, because the echoing off the walls was the only thing that kept the two of them safe from the coach’s scowl. Nicole’s voice was bitter and sharp. “Maybe I didn’t want to tell the girl I’m in love with about my fucking marriage . Maybe I thought that would put her off.”

Shae leaned back in her plastic seat. “She’s gonna be so mad.”

“I know,” Nicole sighed.

The water polo team was preparing for a practice match now, the girls strapping on those little helmets with the weird ears. 

“You should tell her, before it’s too late.”

“How?” Nicole asked desperately. “I’ve had two golden chances to tell her, but I chickened out. The last one was a straight-up lie.”

Shae swallowed a big gulp of beer. “What did you say?”

“I told her it was a weird nickname to piss off my mom.”

Shae considered the lie for a bit. “That’s not super far off, though, to be honest.”

Nicole raised an eyebrow at her.

“That’s kinda the reason you went for it, right?” Shae explained.

In retrospect, Nicole’s rational brain had indeed blamed the hurried wedding on her mother, but she had never told Shae that. The fact backfired horribly when it turned out her parents loved the thought of soon-to-be-doctor Shae Pressman as their daughter-in-law. A perfect match to their lawyer daughter.

Nicole presented a crooked smile and flashed a dimple all charming and suave. “I sorta loved you, you know.”

Shae winked and put her head on Nicole’s shoulder. “I know. I loved you too. Still do.”

They watched one of the red team’s players do a difficult underwater maneuver to dodge one of the white team’s defence players. She scored with a perfect lob. 

“So you’re in love with Waverly, huh?”

Nicole swallowed. The words had sort of slipped out of her and she hoped Shae hadn’t heard them, but nothing ever passed her unnoticed.

“You think she likes you too?” Shae asked. 

“Maybe. She told me she’d missed me.”

“I bet.”

Nicole emptied her bottle and put it on the tiled floor with a soft clink. She sighed. “We only met like six weeks ago.”

“So what?”

“So, is it real? It’s all gone so fast.”

“That doesn’t have to be a bad thing,” Shae pointed out.

“Yeah, I know, but…” Nicole trailed off.

Shae sat up from her position against Nicole’s shoulder. She looked at her squarely. “But you and I eloped after only two months and that turned to shit.”

“It didn’t turn to shit -” Nicole started, but Shae cut her off.

“Honestly, Nicole. I don’t regret it ‘cause I love you and you’re my best friend, but it was a fucking shit decision.” 

Nicole stared at her. “Same,” she said eventually.

“But this thing with Waverly is different, right? It’s better.”

Nicole swallowed. “It feels... More real, I guess.” It felt kinda cruel to admit to Shae how Waverly made her feel so much more than she had ever done.

“So what’s holding you back? I thought you were Nicole “When there’s something I like I don’t want to wait” Haught?”

Nicole laughed. She’d used that line when she first met Shae and she’d never heard the end of it.

Shae sniggered as well. “Seriously, what’s holding you back? Her age?”

“I just think she should be the one to make the first move.”

Shae raised an eyebrow. “Doesn’t sound like you.”

“Shae, come on. Give me a break.” You don’t know her.

“Well, does she at least know that you like her? So that if she wants to make the first move she knows she won’t be rejected?” She looked at her pointedly.

Fuck. Good point, Dr. Pressman. Good point.

Shae looked a bit too pleased with herself when Nicole refused to meet her eyes. “Well, Haught, time to flash those dimples and tell her you love her.”

Nicole slapped her thigh mock-offended. 

Shae giggled. “Come on, lover, let’s get out of here.” 

Shae downed the rest of her beer and they collected their empty bottles. Water polo proved to be the perfect cover for a drink and a talk.

---

Nicole was tired.

She was tired when she watched Shae place the 8-ball in one of the corner pockets of the pool table, making her the winner of the game.

She was tired when she swallowed down a sip of the lukewarm beer she’d been clutching while Shae and Wynonna got to know each other at the bar.

She was tired when Doc placed a plate of french fries in front of her with a wink and an “On the house” even though they had stopped serving food two hours ago.

But when Waverly Earp walked into the bar, her fatigue was forgotten, if only for a while.

With her splendid smile and the way her eyes became adorable crescents when she spotted Nicole slouching at the bar, she walked over, placing one long perfect leg in front of the other with purpose . She flung herself around Nicole’s neck, almost making her stumble off the bar chair. Nicole felt stunned in Waverly’s clutch, not quite realizing what was happening after being in such a dozed off state for the last few hours.

Waverly retracted herself, still with her face split into a beautiful grin. “Congratulations! How did it go?”

Nicole gazed at her, her mouth awkwardly hanging open. Shae nudged her from where she was sitting behind her, and Nicole swallowed heavily. “It’s - Uhm, I -” She looked at her hands, lost for words. When she looked up again, Waverly was still waiting patiently for an answer. “Fine,” she concluded. “It went fine.”

“That’s great!” Waverly told her and drew out another chair for herself. “Criminology, right?”

Nicole nodded.

“Can you tell me about it?” Waverly asked with genuine interest. “Any good test questions?”

“Dude, are you serious?” Wynonna interrupted from the other side of the bar. “Baby girl, I know you’re this brilliant genius or whatever, but damn, let the girl rest.”

“Oh, shoot.” Waverly’s face went from “hungry for knowledge” to “worried she might have overstepped”. “I’m so sorry, you’re probably sick of the subject.”

“No, no, it’s okay,” Nicole reassured with a tired smile. “I’m just exhausted.”

Waverly smiled pitifully and placed her hand on Nicole’s thigh, squeezing encouragingly. “Some other time, maybe?”

“Definitely.”

Waverly studied her face for a second. “Do you wanna go home and sleep? I mean, if you’re tired...” 

Nicole shook her head. “Nuh-uh. I wanted to see you.”

Waverly smiled again, making Nicole’s chest warm up. “Well, I gotta pee, so you’ll see me in a minute.”

Nicole watched the girl as she left for the toilet, and then caught Shae looking at her. “Dude, keep your pants on.”

Nicole looked around for Wynonna before she scolded Shae in an urgent whisper. “Shae, not here. I don’t want Wynonna to know.” The Earp sister was currently serving a table at the back of the establishment. “She’ll kill anyone who wants to date her sister.”

“I bet she does,” Shae said with a slewed smirk, eyeing Wynonna hungrily. 

“Shae, damn. Keep your pants on.”

Shae only grinned at Nicole, but then turned serious again. “Nicole, come on. It’s super obvious that she likes you back. You should just tell her.”

Nicole shook her head. “No, not here.”

“Where then?”

“Not in a frickin’ bar.”

“So go outside,” Shae suggested.

“Seriously, stop it.”

“Why?”

Nicole sighed. “I want to -”

Shae finished her sentence. “You want to wait for the right moment and be all chivalrous and knight in shining armour.”

Nicole pursed her lips and stared sulkily at Shae. That was exactly what she wanted. “Yes,” she confessed.

“Well, then make that happen, O gentle sire.”

The door to the ladies room opened.

“Shut up,” Nicole hissed at an amused Shae. 

Waverly came over again and settled down, still radiating with happiness.

“So what did you do today?” Nicole asked innocently, ignoring Shae’s grin on her other side.

“Chrissy and I went shopping!” Waverly turned to find the two shopping bags she’d left on the floor. She started to pull out different items, not caring that she was not only in a crowded bar, but she was sitting at the actual bar . Shae raised her eyebrows but Nicole only smiled fondly at Waverly’s enthusiasm.

She showed Nicole the super stretchy jeans she’d bought and made her feel the soft fabric of a comfortable cotton dress. She hesitated when she got to the bag of bras and finally realised how inappropriate it was to be showing her new lingerie to A) the girl she had a crush on and B) the entirety of Peacemaker. Her cheeks were slightly tinged when she quickly shoved the clothing back into the bags. 

“They look great, Waves. Super comfy,” Nicole told her.

Waverly nodded. “You know, I really dreaded the maternity clothes, but they’re actually really cute.” She was prepared to find oversized t-shirts and huge pants with broad elastic bands, but they had seen nothing but pretty and fashionable clothes.

“Ooh, I gotta show Wynonna.” Waverly scooched the chair back and gathered her bags before hurrying over to the back room where Wynonna had just disappeared.

“Okay. First of all, inappropriate,” came the sniding comment from Shae. “Second of all, she’s pregnant?”

Nicole turned to her with an alarming scowl. “First of all, she’s young,” she whispered harshly. “And second, keep your voice down.”

“What? Is it a secret?” Shae asked with equally sharp whispers. “How far is she?”

Nicole shrugged. “Three months or something.”

Shae shook her head slowly. “Nicole, this is a mess. Do you wanna date a pregnant girl?”

Nicole refused to answer. She’d dreaded the day that Shae would find out, afraid of what her reaction might be.

“What’s the future here, Nicole? Are you gonna be a mommy too?”

“Shae…”

She looked at her. Her ex-girlfriend. Her best friend. She wouldn’t understand. She couldn’t. Not this. Not Nicole’s love for a messed up girl who got herself knocked up. But Waverly wasn’t messed up. She was perfect. 

“Nicole, think this through,” Shae pleaded softly.

“I have!”

Shae stared at her hard. “You have to consider this, Nicole, for real.”

“Shae, I have. For real. I’ve known about it from the first time we met, okay? I know what the deal is.”

Shae sighed, visibly disappointed. She was usually so supportive of whatever Nicole chose to do. She didn’t always agree - of course not, but she would always stand by her no matter what. But this time Nicole wasn’t so sure. Shae’s eyes were full of despair, clearly begging her to not do this, not make this decision about her future, please . 

Just then Nicole’s phone started buzzing. She’d put it on the bar earlier because it didn’t really fit in the pocket of her skinny jeans. The two of them looked at the display. Jackie Haught.

Shae looked at Nicole and Nicole looked at Shae, not answering the phone. They didn’t say a word until the buzzing stopped.

“She’s gonna kill you,” Shae said eventually.

“I know.”

Shae excused herself from the bar when Waverly returned, visibly upset with Nicole’s poor life choices. 

“Is she alright?” Waverly asked with a glance at the door where Shae had left. The cold outside was almost tangible. Dolls quickly shut the door.

“Yeah. It’s just -” Nicole shrugged. “Just stuff.”

“Okay,” Waverly nodded. 

The tone of their conversation never really returned to the cheerful mood Waverly had brought with her from outside. Nicole retracted into herself, with Shae’s disappointment occupying her mind. Waverly finally admitted defeat.

“So, uh. I think maybe I’m gonna go. I’m tired, and, well, you are too, right? So, yeah.”

Nicole nodded somberly. “Yeah...”

She watched as Waverly started to pull on her coat. 

Just as she was reaching down to gather her backpack and shopping bags, Nicole thought of something. “Hey, Wave, is Wynonna driving you?” 

Waverly shook her head. “No, she’s got the late shift. Dolls’ll take me.”

“Oh, okay.” Nicole had secretly hoped that Waverly would walk, and then she could suggest to walk her home safely. But this was probably better. It was almost an hour walk to where Waverly lived, and then she’d have to walk all the way back again. Plus, she was tired.

She pulled on her own coat and gathered her things. “I’ll text you then.”

Waverly smiled and nodded. She looked tired too. 

They walked to the door, where Dolls was sitting on his usual chair. He got up when he noticed the two of them approaching.

“You ready, Dolls?” asked Waverly.

“Yes. Let me just get my coat. You got the keys?”

Waverly showed them to him. He nodded and turned to the back room. Waverly gestured at the door and followed Nicole outside and to the small parking lot behind the establishment. 

“Bye, then,” Waverly said with a shy voice as they arrived at the red truck. It was Curtis’ old pick-up truck, inherited by Waverly after he died, but now it was almost exclusively used by Wynonna.

“Wave,” Nicole started, stepping closer. The evening had taken a weird turn after Shae found out about the pregnancy. It was supposed to be a happy evening, a celebration that they could finally hang out again. “I’m sorry everything got so weird.”

Waverly looked up at Nicole’s face curiously, waiting for her to elaborate.

“It’s just Shae didn’t know you’re pregnant.”

“You hadn’t told her?” She scrunched her eyebrows. 

“No, of course not. It wasn’t my secret to share.”

“Oh.” Waverly looked down at her shoes. “I wouldn’t mind if you’d told her. I think I’m ready for people to know now.”

Nicole smiled. “That’s great.”

“So, was she, I dunno... Mad, or something?” Waverly swallowed.

Nicole stretched out her hand and put it against Waverly’s cheek. “She was just being Shae.”

Waverly frowned at her. What did that mean?

“Surprised, I think.”

Waverly swallowed again. “Okay.” She’d mostly had positive reactions to her pregnancy and the choice to keep the baby, but they were all from her closest friends and family. Champ had blown a fit when she told him, of course. She wasn’t really prepared for what the rest of the world would think.

“Don’t worry about her, Waves, she’ll come around,” Nicole told her, misinterpreting Waverly’s silence. 

Waverly nodded again. 

Nicole took another step closer, so that they were almost flush against each other. She lowered her forehead so that it was leaning against Waverly’s. They were so close.

“You know I’m here for you, right? As long as you want me, I’ll be by your side.” Her voice was low and rough, but very steady. 

Waverly could feel Nicole’s breath against her cheek that wasn’t covered by the gloved hand. Suddenly she realized that she was holding her breath. Nicole’s lips were right there, only inches from her own. Their faces were already connected through their foreheads, Nicole’s hand already cupping her cheek. It would only take a tiny movement to connect their lips as well. She breathed out, raggedly, trying to regain a steady respiration. It wasn’t easy when she was right there, smelling all Nicole . 

“Hey, sis! You forgot your scarf!”

Wynonna’s voice sliced like a sniper through the cold air. Waverly hadn’t noticed the freezing temperature really, but now that the magic spell was broken, everything seemed chill and frigid. Especially when Nicole took a quick step back and Waverly lost all the heat from her body and her hand. 

Wynonna came jogging across the pavement with her arms crossed in front of her chest. She hadn’t put on a coat and was regretting the decision. 

“Thanks,” Waverly said roughly. Her voice suddenly felt unnatural. 

Wynonna threw the scarf around Waverly’s shoulders and gave her a quick peck on the forehead. The same one Nicole had been leaning against seconds earlier. 

“Bye, nerds,” she greeted and jogged back again, hurrying to get back to the warmth. Canadian winter sucked. 

Waverly and Nicole only had a second to glance shyly at each other before Dolls was there. 

“Sorry,” he said. “I had to sort out some trouble.”

Whatever the trouble was, he seemed unfazed by it. He climbed into the truck and waited for Waverly to say goodbye to Nicole. 

“Uhm, I’ll see you?” Waverly said nervously.

Nicole tried for a reassuring smile, but she didn’t quite manage it. Her brain was still on high-alert. 

“Okay, bye,” Waverly said when Nicole didn’t respond. She turned around to open the passenger door and slid into the car.

“Bye,” Nicole said finally, just as Waverly closed the door. She watched the car back out of the parking lot and onto the road, with Waverly giving a tiny wave. And then she was left alone, dazed and confused, in the cold of night.