Chapter 1

Date: 22-5-16

Evening

Yesterday was my last board exam and pretty soon a new chapter will unfold in my life or it has unfolded I am not sure. I had been waiting for it to unfold for quite a long time but now I am uncertain about it. I don't know, maybe I am being doubtful of myself to live it through the way I want it. I thought I had a pretty simple plan, figured it all in my head. But the thing about plans and all those figuring out stuff it never works out in real. We think we are sure of what we want but when we are just moments away from that starting point, we have a change of mind. Although in case even if we do take the first step for whatever reasons, it's not the same till the end. We don't have our dream just a version of it. It's always easy and better for those people who don't have a dream they just roll out with the river and if they end at same fancy shore thy have a story to tell.

I can still recall that summer in school when I decided I want to be a doctor and I want to make a change in this world. I want to be better. Most of it has faded away except the last part. I do want to be better, but I am now figuring out in what way. I still remember when in fifth grade the teacher instigated us to think about our future what we wanted to do when we grow up. I don't recall much what I wrote actually just the part in which I wanted to become a doctor. Who knew dreams demanded sacrifices? Sacrifices that even if I wanted to make, I couldn't have, I was simply incapable of making. So, from past few months I had been pondering on what can I possibly do? What interests me? My father has some suggestions but they are all local and I don't see anything big in it. His choices are meaningless. I can't blame him; he never was a risk taker and never wanted to make out big in this world. For now, I am sure of one thing I don't want to become a man like my father, I don't want to be ordinary.

My solace was broken by the UFO ringtone I set earlier this day. Its jay. What does he want? I think every time he calls; I have to go out.

"hey, wassup?", he instantly said it as soon as I picked up. we have been friends since the time we shared an umbrella in 8th grade. It was very sunny no one was accepting a rain, accept him who is a fool who watched weather forecast every day. That day, I don't know something clicked between us, a spark for something more, more time, more moments, more of him and his flirting. He was always known for it. The boy who makes you fall for him unknowingly knowingly.

Wassup he asked. What was up. my thoughts are up, the sun is up, I am up. but what should I reply?

"uhh…. Your gf"

He somehow convinced me to go out with him to eat batata puri. how does he always convince me to go out with him? I mean I was in deep thoughts. Maybe I always want to go out with him. Now I am waiting for him to come and pick me up staring at the wall of drawing room.

My drawing room so neat and clean and decorated with pictures and fake antiques. Choices of my parents. They are all dusty with cob-webs, spiders and insects actually. Looks like the maid cleans them in a way that they look part of the wall or maybe they all reconstruct their wiped homes again at night.

"hooooooonnnnkkkkkkkk"

He is here. He drove here his dad's car today. I don't actually know how to drive but when there is always someone to pick you up you don't really need to learn how to drive just sit back and chill and also, I don't like driving most of the times. Who would want to drive when you can just listen to songs and fill your eyes up with the city?

I am not very sure about it now; jay did get his license recently. I properly locked the seatbelts and settled myself. We drove away silently.

Jay: "where do you want to go Ved?"

Ved: "uh...anywhere, maybe towards the school."

Jay: "too soon to be nostalgic though"

Ved: "I am not, the stretch is good that side of the city"

Was I nostalgic? I don't think so. Anyone would want to go and visit their school after exams, and its silent there.

A sudden silence has taken over the car and I am not able to figure out if it's a good silence or bad silence. From the expression on his face it looks like he is calm, all the muscles are relaxed. It is good I guess or maybe he already has already decided something.

We are on the link road, oddly there are people. We usually take his bike on our drives, car a few times since he learned. This is only a luxury of short time. We both be on different paths now, different cities, different friends. I am glad, he isn't asking me where I am gonna take admissions.

Jay: "What's up with you and Amir?"

He got me off guard. I was hoping this topic wouldn't pop up, I was hoping he wouldn't ask this time. Now I am at loss of word. I can't even pretend to ignore it in this silence, wish there was some loud music playing in the background.

Ved: "nothing"

Jay: "oh… Okay. If you say so"

He already knows all about it. I am pretty sure, the question would have been different, the timing would have been different.

Ved: "So, you know"

Jay: "that I do, my friend, I always knew"

Ved: "why"

I feel betrayed and violated. If someone especially your friend knows something about you that you were trying to hide every passing second, keep up the pretend, you don't know what to feel and how to feel. All those moments and white lies start playing up in your head. You don't really know if they are your friend or was it just a game of lies and gossip.

Jay: "maybe you shouldn't have made it that obvious, I know you"

I know you. What does he mean by it? If he knows me then why don't he let me be.

Ved: "we could have just enjoyed the drive."

Jay: "how you have been enjoying?"

Argh. I can hear the smirk in his voice. I haven't even dared to move my eyes away from the window. How can I? his words are stabbing me like a double-edged knife. He slows the car near the school.

Jay: "feels nostalgic"

If the moment would have been different, I would have felt good and nostalgic but I exactly knew about which nostalgia he was talking about. But it was not, more than at loss of words, I was at a loss of reactions. I should have stayed home, in the comfort of my thoughts.

Ved: "if you knew, why didn't you say something"

Jay: "it wasn't my place"

Ved: "is it now your place?"

Jay: "he shouldn't have hit you; he had no right. How are you anyway?"

Ved: "I am good now."

I wasn't any good. My mind is a mess now. Fuck… Amir.

Jay: "I hope you are."

This wasn't the drive that I hoped for. Jay is smart and I don't see any point in hiding it now.

Jay: "Do you still want to eat?"

Ved: "Sure." Why shouldn't I eat. At least I will enjoy my batata Puri.

Jay still have a smirk on his face, he is holding himself back. Anyone else would have hit me with questions of all kind or it could have been worse, much worse.

Jay: "why Amir?"

Ved: "dunno, maybe, I always had a thing for him."

I still do have a thing for him, as long as I have known myself, I knew I was attracted to Amir. But never had I thought it would lead to this. He dropped me home after we ate batata Puri, we talked about things, about me. Jay was listening, I felt relieved. Someone understands me. After talking to him I felt these things happen, people are sometimes just not into us, everything they do and say is only superficial.

Night

I only wish that maybe things could have gone differently. Maybe I should have reacted differently or just let it be. All I do now is justify my action that day in my mind. Being ignored for two months, and when I tried talking to him, he snapped at me. I never did anything wrong to him, not that I can remember and if I can't remember than obviously, I was not at wrong. I was not able to concentrate on my studies because of him on my studies. The least he could have done is left me a message explaining to me why doesn't he wants to talk to me or what have I done wrong, had I offended him or he was just not interested in me. Anything would have worked for me. If not for group studies with my Jay and Prateek, I would have been ruined in these exams. Dad would have surely been furious after what brother did. Top of the class and ran away from home to be a musician. He sure did leave me here in all this trouble. Maybe if my brother was here things would have been easier. Maybe he would have understood me. It is almost five years since he left home. He rarely calls to anyone. Not that I was a lot close to him, but there are things only a sibling can understand.

Dad would want me to study in the city and simultaneously prepare for competitive exams as he did. Sounds like a good plan but definitely a plan not tailored for me. I will not agree to it. I am sure he is expecting resistance from me and if he thinks he can convince me to be in the city, he sure is wrong as hell. I must think of something better for me.

Looking back at everything, thinking about everyone, doesn't make me feel anything. Sure, there are both good and bad memories but nothing that I will remember for the rest of my life and get excited to the core. Not many teachers liked me or took interest in me, for them I was just some student in some class. I did feel good when I was with Amir, in the hallway where he kept looking at me now and then or in the classroom when he winked at me.

I wonder where he took admission, maybe some engineering college, He is into technology.

I should probably stop thinking about him, what he will do and what he will not. And its almost dinner time. There is always pasta on Sunday and I like Pasta. Pasta is something that will never disappoint anyone.