Stuck In This Body
The snow was falling. We stood in front of our favorite shop as he looked down at me with despair written across his face. His words felt jumbled in the air surrounding us. Asher had cheated on me with my best friend Amanda… again? My brain continued to mull over it. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to react in this situation as I already knew what he had done. Why didn't I feel pain in this situation? Why was I not angry? Why was I not screaming at him? He kept telling me to hit him as he gripped my arm tightly, to do something that showed that I still cared. I couldn't though. I couldn't muster those feelings anymore.
Truthfully, when I found out three weeks ago, I was upset. I couldn't feel upset at this moment though. I had time to process and accept the situation. I felt nothing towards him, especially his meaningless apologies. I looked up at the sky as the snow blanketed around us and pried his fingers from my arms. I still wanted to enjoy my Christmas, so I turned on my heel, continuing down the sidewalk that had happy couples chattering amongst themselves. I walked for what felt like forever, snow blew against my face and my hands were starting to go numb. The lights flashed and I knew at this moment that the car would not be able to stop in time. I kept walking though, was life even really worth all of this trouble? My therapist and I had been practicing the Art of Acceptance perhaps I had used that at this moment. I didn't register the impact until I was tossed up into the air. My head careened to the ground, and all I could muster up was the sheer wonder of what I had done to deserve everything that had happened to me in this life. Perhaps I was a horrible person in my previous life, perhaps I hadn't sent the cursed email and had garnered bad luck for a lifetime.
"You're going to be fine." Someone rolled me over "Damn it. Stay with me!"
I knew the accident had to have been bad. I hadn't felt the pain yet but I'm sure it would come. Adrenaline rushed through me while the cold seeped through my clothing. I wanted to scream that it was useless to the man, but he was trying his hardest to keep me alive. Shouldn't I try to endure it for him? It all sounded like a hassle. At least it was a beautiful night still. The Christmas lights and large snowflakes floated lazily down onto my face. I wanted to laugh at the sheer audacity of today. First, I catch my boyfriend out with my best friend, and then I was hit by a car. What horrible luck I must have. Though I really shouldn't complain as I was the one to walk into traffic.
"I'm sorry I can't do more. I can hold your hand until the ambulance gets here."
The copper taste on my tongue told me that this was probably the end for me. Call it a feeling but I could tell my time was coming to an end. He squeezed my hand, I peered at the man before me. Black curly hair, bright blue sparkling eyes. His face looked like a model's face despite the fear being etched across it.
"What beautiful eyes you have." I managed to choke out before closing my eyes. A nap wouldn't be too bad until an ambulance arrived. I drifted away into the darkness. I always assumed there would be a light at the end of the tunnel. I was rather obsessed with reading books on near-death experiences and reincarnation but instead, I was met with nothing. I was nothing but my thoughts. I wished I had a chance to do it all over. To live freely, to be strong, to have a good childhood, and live the life I deserved. To love someone who loved me. I regretted it my entire life. I wanted to be a better daughter, an achiever, someone who built a foundation of love and loyalty with those who had been good to me.