I Don't Wanna Be Friends!

Rodolphus wasn't concerned as he settled into the hard straight-backed chair in the nearly empty room. They had been good little killers as well as perfect Shadow Ops operatives, after all. They followed any Ministry order to the letter, so whatever this was likely had nothing to do with them, just something stupid with the Ministry and its red tape. He looked expectantly at the thin official who stood before him. "Well? What's this about?"

"I was hoping you could tell me, Mr. Lestrange. Did you know there was a young lady named Delphini claiming to be the child of your wife and your former Dark Lord?"

"No, I had no idea," Rodolphus said. "What's she getting out of that, I wonder?"

"Power and followers, or at least that's what she seems to be hoping for," the official replied. "Did you know that your wife had a relationship with Tom Riddle?"

Rodolphus studied him for a moment, confused by the odd turn of phrase. It was the Ministry after all, so whatever. "If you mean the fact Bella was his favorite, sure, everyone knew. It was no secret, and she deserved all the favor she got. She's brilliant and talented." And by all bloody rights she should be riding him right now with that bloody wand in hand but instead this bullshit...

"What about more," the man asked, distracting Rodolphus from his silent fuming.

"Yeah, he gave her private lessons. She taught me some of it later." Shit, should he have admitted that? Fuck! Get him so bored and impatient that he said more than he should, he grumped to himself. That should hardly matter anymore, though. The Dark Lord was long dead, and they were here serving the fucking Ministry, of all things, to stay out of Azkaban.

"Private lessons? What if they were doing something else? How would you have felt if your former Lord had wanted other things from your wife?"

"Well, he is the Lord, I guess. I mean, I don't see why he would want any of that, but it is a kind of honor, like being graced by a king, or a god. In truth, I always thought of him as a king…the kind that gives his loyal followers rewards, noble titles and such. When you think about it, if we would kill for him, die for him, name our children in his honor, not that we had any plans for children, but you catch my drift. A little screw here and there wouldn't matter much..." Rodolphus trailed off in response to the clerk's hand motion, indicating for him to stop.

Wondering again if he'd said too much while attempting to be cooperative and thorough, Rod relaxed when the man clarified what he needed, pointing to a gray crystal. "Our device shows us that your answer is true thus far, but incomplete. Perhaps you would like to elaborate?" the Ministry official suggested, and Rodolphus took that to mean that he had little choice on the matter.

"Alright, well. I don't know if it matters, but I would've done the same. If the Dark Lord wanted me to shag him, pleasure him in any way, I guess I wouldn't care too much. I don't fancy blokes, mind, but it wouldn't have been about sexual attraction. It was always about following his orders. Near the end it might have been different, since he turned colder toward us and for the most part stopped rewarding us..."

Rodolphus shrugged, still mildly uncomfortable speaking of the Dark Lord and their service to him to a bloody Ministry official when they were not being tried for bloody crimes. "Fortunately for all of us, he simply wasn't sexual. It was as if he was above all that, you know? He had loftier interests."

The official nodded. "Your wife said something very similar about him not being sexual. When it came to the shagging, however, she did not appear to be at all willing to accommodate. Perhaps you loved your Dark Lord more than she did, after all."

The other man arched amused brows, and Rodolphus frowned. "Bella loved the Dark Lord as much as any of us and more than most if not all," he defended his wife, mildly surprised that she had had any limitations in her service to him.

The man peered at the color shifting panel on the wall and then decisively nodded. "Excellent. Now tell me, how did you respond to the passionate love letters our former employee Dolores Umbrage sent to you on her special pink scrolls?"

Rodolphus blinked in surprise and then smiled widely. "Well, I am attractive as fuck, so it is no surprise I have secret admirers. But I don't know who that woman is and have never received love letters, or anything else, from such a person," Rod concluded.

"Very good," the clerk responded before giving a slight chuckle. "In truth there were no such love letters, at least to my knowledge. This ascertains the veracity of your statements. You may now reunite with your wife and wait for the final results. The spell is going to analyze all the fine details at a greater depth in case the preliminary conclusions were too superficial. Your wife was more emotive, thus her results were easier to read. You were not feeling as much either way, so yours must be scanned in a bit more depth."

Rodolphus nodded gravely. "I am a very deep man," he explained, keeping the amused smirk from his face with an effort. Had Rabastan and Bellatrix been present, smart ass comments from both would've followed. That thought caused Rod to feel oddly alone.

"We will confirm your final results in five to ten minutes. Thank you for your patience," The Ministry official added indifferently, and Rodolphus got up, shrugged, and went to see how Bella was faring.

She was sitting in the chair in which he'd waited for her but sprang to her feet as soon as the door opened to allow him through. "Let's go."

"Apparently, we need to wait a few more minutes for them to double check my results," he said apologetically. "It seems I'm not as emotionally easy to read as you. The bloke who questioned me said I should be in the clear, but they're double checking… In the clear for what I have no idea, as we've done nothing. The questions he asked, though, were the strangest you can imagine. All about shagging the Dark Lord of all things! What was that color shifting thing on the wall anyway? Did they tell you?"

"It reads one's emotions to see if they're telling the truth," Bellatrix smirked. "They were apparently afraid the Dark Lord had shown us a method for getting around Veritaserum."

Rodolphus barked a laugh. "That's flattering."

Bellatrix gave a nod, though her expression was skeptical.

"What'd he ask you," Rodolphus asked, assuming the questions were similar, but still wishing to compare notes. It seemed Bella had been given a bit more information on this Delphini. "Do you think the Delphini girl is even real, or is it just something they made up in order to screw with us?"

"It appears she is the reason they're asking us all these stupid questions, so I'd be surprised if she wasn't real," Bellatrix replied thoughtfully. "What'd he ask you then?"

"The same things, basically," Rod replied. "If you had a relationship with the Dark Lord, then when I spoke of the lessons he gave you, the bloke asked about shagging. I said that you had not, but they said I wasn't fully answering so I had to dig deep. I said I supposed if he'd asked you to I wouldn't have minded, but, to be fair, I'd have done the same if he'd asked it of me because we did whatever he wanted no matter what. If we killed for him and would die for him, what is a bit of shagging? It would mean nothing, and we'd suffer through it and only belong to one another in the end, right, babe?" He threw an arm around Bellatrix's slender shoulders. "It's always you and me, no matter what."

"Right here in the Ministry," he demanded, the growing bulge between his legs announcing that he was perfectly willing. It was no more than the asshats deserved for keeping them waiting.

"I can't believe you'd just hand me over to him!" she exploded, eyes flashing. "Just hand me over like it didn't matter!"

Rodolphus made his situation worse by gaping at her in honest surprise. Apparently, he wasn't going to get laid right here and now at the Ministry, after all. "What's the big deal? You loved him more than anyone. If he'd wanted that of you, would you not have been honored? I mean, you'd have done anything for him. You said that over and over."

Bellatrix glared at her husband, sputtering wordlessly as she struggled to find words through her rage and sudden feeling of hurt betrayal. It stabbed at her chest with a pain that she didn't find at all pleasant. If the Dark Lord had asked that of her, Rod would not have objected! He was her husband, and he loved her! It was his job to object. What the fuck was wrong with his head?

"People are supposed to love their god more than anything, but not like that, and I'd never have taken it into what you and I have," she said through a suddenly constricted throat. It was surprisingly difficult to breathe, but one thing wasn't at all difficult to do. Lifting her wand she pointed it at her husband's chest. "Crucio!"

"Crucio! Crucio! CRUCIO!" Bellatrix screamed out the word, meaning it with her entire being. Her eyes flashed with rage, and her wand stabbed toward various areas of her husband's body as she vented her hurt and rage. "You wouldn't have protected me!" Needing more suffering, she flew at him, striking his chest, arms, and even throat. For now she avoided his face due to the fact that it was extremely attractive and looking at it all swollen or bloody would only make her more angry.

Rodolphus had to admit to being confused. On one hand, Bella chose to berate him. Yet her actions seemed to contradict her mood. The Unforgivable Curse made him writhe in delicious pain, smiling in open pleasure that he could not contain.

"So you are pleased then? Oh Bella, I love you too. You're the best!" Rod declared through his own exclamations of wonderful agony. "So glad this is all behind us…whatever it was," he added hopefully, the final bout of pain making him slur some of his words as he struggled not to orgasm. He'd prefer Bella to be touching him down there when that happened, after all. If she kept striking him and hitting him with Cruciolike this, though, he may just lose control and soil his clothes. Ah well, that's what cleaning charms were for, he supposed. He never performed them as well as elves, but one took what one could when it came to orgasm-free clothes.

Bellatrix kicked Rod in the side, face twisted with rage rather than passion. "No, this is not behind us!" she screamed.

"The fact that you don't give a shit about me is not behind us! And how can you love me if you'd have just stood there and let him… and not even fought for me!"

Bellatrix hated herself for the hot tears that sprang to her eyes, the sob that broke from her, and the fist of pain pressing into her chest. Stupid feelings…she hated them, hated herself for being weak enough to feel this rubbish and hated Rod most for his part in them! "I thought you had my back. That you'd always fight for me…I thought this meant something. Gods! I'd have done anything for you! Even over our Lord, I'd have done anything for you!"

She wanted to tear the raven skull from her neck and hurl it at him, but she just couldn't bring herself to. She'd never taken it off, and it was a symbol of his love and the place she held in his heart. She'd even managed to keep it in Azkaban.

With nothing more to say, Bellatrix broke into wordless sobs of rage, aiming her wand at Rodolphus's head. Somehow she doubted he'd enjoy a headache, but at the moment she was too upset to work up a good Crucio to make that happen. She felt empty inside and miserable and lost and betrayed and let down and hell, things she couldn't even name. Shaking her head, she dropped her wand to the carpeted floor and sank into the room's only chair. She felt lost and worse, just wanted this to stop.

"It's not behind us? I don't understand. We were good back then. We were devoted, but we were also happy..." Rod said, puzzled. "You never said I needed to defend you from anyone. Hell, I always assumed everybody would need defending from you," Lestrange feebly smiled. "Of course I would defend you with my life if you said you needed it. What's wrong, babe?"

Bellatrix nearly relented at the true concern in his voice, but she just didn't feel like making him feel better when she was so very upset and empty inside.

"Oh, I get it. The test messed with you, didn't it?" Rodolphus rambled on desperately. "Some unexpected emotional effect it had on you? It probably doesn't affect other people because they are all pathetically boring, so the Ministry blokes didn't know their little detector thing could mess emotions up. That's what I think," he suggested, looking to Bella for agreement. "They scanned your emotions, and it messed them up, isn't that right, love?"

He had never seen Bella like this and didn't know what to do. "You will get better soon, we'll be just fine, Bella. Of course I love you. You know it. You don't mean any of that stuff, not really. You're just upset now because of that stupid emotional scan thing, but a good Cruciatus would fix that, and you'll be just dandy. Alright, babe?" Rod pleaded.

"They performed some sort of mental scan on me after the other one on the wall to see if the Dark Lord had tampered with my mind so that I'd perhaps forget having his bloody child," Bellatrix said flatly. `"Of course nothing was done to my mind in the late nineties, but… but in the late seventies something very bad was done to my mind. A sort of harsh compulsion. They're sending a Healer around to the manor later to try and uncover what it was. I suppose if they can restore my memories, they will. Didn't they test you for that?"

"No, but we will next. We wanted to double check the first results," Mr. Rat said from the doorway. "As I thought, Mr. Lestrange was speaking the truth. If you are ready now, Mr. Lestrange, I will perform the same mental scan on you. Your wife may remain with you."

"Will it make me as upset as it has her," Rodolphus asked resentfully, giving the man a baleful glare.

"That isn't why I am upset, idiot. Of course I am upset about something having been done to me in the late seventies, but this current situation is all you," Bellatrix informed darkly.

Mr. Rat's lips twitched. "Yes…we even heard you out in the corridor, Mrs. Lestrange. That was good stuff… and I'm sure he deserved it all."

"Hey!" Rod protested.

"Not my business, of course," Mr. Rat added hastily, approaching Rodolphus. "If you'll just sit there on the floor, Mr. Lestrange," he requested when Bellatrix did not offer to vacate the chair.

Shrugging sullenly, Rodolphus sank down onto the floor.

Mr. Rat hovered his wand over Rod's head for around two minutes, then stepped back with a slight nod. "Like you, Mrs. Lestrange, your husband's mind was only tampered with once, and that was in the late seventies."

Rodolphus frowned. "Well, that sucks."

Mr. Rat's lips twitched ever so slightly again. "Aptly put, Mr. Lestrange. I suggest you both go home and try to relax. We'll send someone around to you as soon as we can to hopefully set this straight."

Rodolphus stood and offered Bella a hand. She stared at it for a long moment before taking it and rising to her feet. She felt weak and shaky all over. It had to be from all the damned feelings!