Chapter 2
21. Take precautions when playing Gretchen ball: For those of you who don't know, Gretchen ball is becoming very popular in some regiments that are on the front lines with Orks. Capture a few Gretchen and use them as a kickball. Pretty fun game really. But you have GOT to take proper safety precautions and de-fang and claw the Gretchen. Because if every time I have to write on a form "Killed in single combat by a Gretchen outside of combat zone" I die a little inside.
22. There are no such things as Squats: They never existed. (Roll with it)
23. Do not mishandle plasma weapons: Plasma weapons are some of the best weapons we can get our hands on, but they must be handled with care. Contrary to popular belief, they rarely explode, only really doing so if they're damaged or if you keep firing them after they've already overheated. Though I'm hesitant to tell that to people because the second they hear that they run off and start blasting away without restraint. If they had stayed and listened for five more seconds, they would've learned that the exhaust from a plasma weapon venting heat can still melt your face off. I mean, she could have at least waited until she got her stupid ass killed so I could've gotten in another "I told you so."
24: Space Marine bolters are beyond your ability: See, people assume Space Marine bolters are the same bolters that the Imperial Guard sometimes uses. This couldn't be further from the truth, we get a rather stripped down version with a smaller caliber. Space Marines, being Space Marines, get a more powerful variant because they can handle it. I know this because one guy took a belter off of a dead Space Marine (And to any potential Inquisitors reading this, I had nothing to do with it) and took aim at some Orks in the distance. He had his nose right on the sights and…Emperor's Bowels, it took be a solid hour to get it out.
25: Do not copy the Death Korps of Krieg: See, unlike most people, I know for a fact that the Korps are trying to get themselves killed, and ironically they tend to die in less stupid ways than most of the people on this list. Still, they're pretty suicidal, they're the only regiment I ever saw attack a trench line with a bayonet charge. Credit where credit is due, they were batshit insane enough to actually make it work. Though it turns out my entire squad joined the charge without permission because they were so impressed by the bravery of the Korps. When I found the bodies I wanted to scream "They were TRYING to kill themselves, what's your excuse!?"
26: Tyranids cannot be domesticated: Yes, someone tried it. It ended about as well as you would think. You'd think that no one would be stupid enough to try it, considering that even the Inquisition has a hard time capturing Genestealers, but you always get that one dense person. Oh, why yes Corporal, you DID introduce me to Henry the Gaunt. What's that? He just ripped your throat out? Well, color me very UNSURPRISED! On a side note, if it isn't poisonous, Tyranid meat isn't that bad if you burn it to a crisp…what? We were low on food.
27. Never try to use Necron tech: Look, I get it. Necron tech created some of the most stupidly powerful weapons in existence. I want in on that too. But trying to use it never freaking works. And if you try it, your brains will be on the ceiling, your large intestine all over the floor, and your gallbladder will be stuck in my good eye.
28: Rogue Traders are not dashing rogues: Ok that's not 100% true Rogue Traders are people just like the rest of us. Some of them ARE dashing rogues. But with the galaxy the way it is now, they're pricks like the majority of humanity. So while there's always a chance that while joining the crew of one results in you going on a voyage of adventure and romance, it's ten times more likely that you'll end up as an indentured servant giving the Trader 10 kisses on the ass each day because "Oh, you should've read the contract! I don't care if the ink was invisible or you signed it with a gun to your head!" Where does the death come in? Uh…let's say Rogue Traders can get impulsive when it comes to making long dangerous journeys and….rations run low.
29. Space Hulks are Suicide Missions: People. Space Marine TERMINATORS go in there and don't come out. There are Genestealers, Orks, Chaos and who knows what else in there! I don't care how much ancient and valuable technology there is in there, all the riches in the world aren't worth shit if you're dead! And even then, if you're stupid enough to go in and drag me along, at least plan a little bit! I swear this is true, stupid friend of mine convinced(Read: blackmailed) me into going along with him. He got into the first room and then died in two seconds because the room was flooded with radiation and he had no protective gear.
30. The Warp is DANGEROUS!: Yes people really are this clueless. You think you wouldn't have to tell someone to not stick their head out of a snip during Warp travel, but Private Dumbass wanted to impress his girlfriend and I had to spend ten minutes bashing in the face of whatever the hell he became with the butt of my rifle. Not gonna lie, might have gotten a little carried away there, I think he might have actually died in the first minute. Hey, most of these experiences are first hand, I needed to vent.
31. Eating Kroot is ill-advised: We all like a bit of karmic justice. Out thinking the Eldar? Out gunning the Orks? These are situations that we live for. That being said, getting revenge on the Kroot who ate your buddy by eating him kinda backfires. Kroot absorb the DNA of every thing they eat, and they eat a lot of poisonous animals. Your vicious plans of revenge don't really go that well when you end up choking to death on your own vomit.
32. Don't arm wrestle with Catachans: Not only are these people built like they fap for a living (I'm not sure that metaphor works for the women but SHUT IT) but they can pretty much turn the bones in your hand to powder. And if they somehow lose they tend to be piss poor sports and try and stab you. And that my children is why I only have one eye…Poor sport bitch.
33. Don't be reckless with overcharged lasguns: Once most Guardsmen learn lasguns can be safely overcharged to get more stopping power, they want to do it all the time. NO! That pisses through ammo like you wouldn't believe, at best you can get twenty shots off before you run out, and you'd be surprised how fast you can fire twenty shots in a battle. So when the woman next to me has an enraged cultist foaming at the mouth charging at her with an axe, she essentially could only point her gun at him and go "Pew pew pew". And let me tell you, that cultist had one hell of a swinging arm. Think I still have the axe.
34. No sex if a Nurgle cultist is in the same star system: For the most part this is unnecessary because one good look at a Nurgle cultist will probably turn you off sex for at least a good decade (Oh Emperor's Ballsack I didn't know a person could have boils there) but the thing is, Nurgle is a morbidly obese pedophile who loves to give everyone the clap (What the hell did you think all that talk of "Papa Nurgle" was about?) and he's brewed up a few hundred million variants of it. You'd think an airborne disease that lies dormant in the carrier for a year and then gets sexual transmitted is an absurd concept. Well I have a friend who had to cut his dick off to avoid being killed by one. We had to burn the thing in a fire sustained by sacred parchment with prayers written in every corner. And even then I still think we should've thrown a reliquary of a saint in there.
35: Never try to comprehend the plans of a Tzeench cultist. If Nurgle is a morbidly obese pedophile then Tzeench is a twat with insecurity issues the size of the Eye of Terror, because he always comes off like he has something to prove. As a result, his cultists make stupidly complex plans involving four betrayals, five inheritance schemes and seven acts of arson just to work in a place that has a nice view. Trying to figure out how the Hell their plans work will actually result in your brain ending up outside your skull (Don't ask. Someone tried to figure it out, same thing happened to him). And you kinda need that thing.
36: Know your limits: Look. Humanity kind of got the short end of the stick. Our technology isn't what it used to be, the Imperium is run by incompetent old men, and everything out their either has better technology, better biology, or both. Just know when to drop it, say "Fuck you General" and bolt. Contrary to popular belief, a Comissar is much easier to overwhelm than a whole Ork army. Thousands of idiots were going to die one a pointless suicide charge against Orks if one soldier didn't snap and stab the commissar to death with her bayonet. They all stared at her slack jawed going "Oh right, we out number his bolt shells 100 to one," while that lady was in the middle of a nervous breakdown and ripping his heart out to make sure he was dead. Anyway, that's how I met my wife.
37: Don't take Dark Eldar drugs: I don't want to go into this. I was young and stupid. People died and I woke up naked in a tree three days later. In the middle of a volcano. To this day I don't know what the hell happened. Not even once kids. Just smoke Lho-sticks. Oh the moral isn't to not do drugs, the moral is to not use XENO drugs. Because Dark Eldar drugs are made for insane fetishists that need to prove how sexually active they are. That and, you know, trigger happy Comissars exist.
38: Space Wolves Wolves are not big friendly doggies: I have only seen these things twice and they are VICIOUS KILLERS! They will rip your limbs off and chew your bones down to the marrow! So don't try and give them a great big chew toy, they've already decided that you will do. Every time someone tries it! And the Space Wolves just see it as them not having to feed their pets for a day, so don't look to them for help.
39: Frak the The Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer: Really, just frak everything about that Emperor forsaken book. The second your commander isn't looking, burn your copy. I know what you're thinking. Isn't the Primer a galactic joke? Doesn't every guardsman worth their salt know how crap it is? Well hundreds of men and women new to the guard die each year following it's stupid advice. And even the more experienced soldiers sometimes die following the advice that SEEMS more reasonable. Like stabbing Orks multiple times in the throat to make sure that they're dead. Not a bad idea in concept, except melee range with an Ork is a place you want to avoid at all cost. And they don't mention what to do if the Ork tries to bury his axe in your bowels when you're on thrust #3.
40: Do not attempt to make an Eldar Farseer your sex slave: I just…why do I have to say this? Isn't it obvious? Doesn't it go against every rational instinct in the human body? Ok, first of all, you try to make anything your sex slave, you deal with me. I don't care how Grimdark this world we live in is, we are not the frakking Dark Eldar. We have STANDARDS! Second of all, a Farseer? Are you insane!? Those things shred veteran Space Marines to pieces, what makes you think you have a chance at surviving half a second? Third, no one would allow it, and anyone in charge of a captive Farseer wouldn't let anyone eager for a screw near it.
But this is irrelevant because WHY WOULD WE HAVE A FARSEER!? They are too dangerous to keep contained and even if we did find a way to flash-fuse three Blanks to her so that she doesn't murder an entire planet, you can bet your ass her entire craft world is going to show up to try and save her. And me fighting an entire army so you can get a fuck toy? Not happening, even if I wasn't disgusted by the concept. Let me know if it was worth getting the Avatar of Khaine set on you.