Chapter 22: Guest Chapter 2

1) Don't ever try to seduce xenos. (Fan-fucking-tastic, this again?) Yes, I get that some xenos are quite beautiful in physical appearance (mainly talking about Eldar and their dark counterparts here, but they're not the only species that fit the catagory, just the most well-known (People want to fuck the Tau, don't they?)), but they're still xenos. You know, the things we're suppose to be shooting at when we're not fighting together against a greater threat? Nine times out of ten they're going to take the time that you're spending on thinking up cheap pick-up lines on killing you. Even if the xeno in question is interested in "interspecies relations", commissars and inquisitors are very much a thing, and most of them frown upon members of the Imperium boning aliens.

2) Abhumans are not mutants! Yes, they are the end result of mutation, but they are still humans! If you shoot someone who's suddenly sprouted dozens of penis- and vagina-tentacles (true story, and a warning to never do drugs made by Slaaneshi cultists (Someone call the Dark Eldar, that's one of the two things they had as an identity done better by someone else)), you're doing your duty as a citizen of the Imperium. However, if you go around shooting Ratlings or Ogryns or the like, you're murdering Imperial citizens, so don't be surprised if you end up getting a las-bolt to the face courtesy of the commissar, doubly so if you took pot-shots at him earlier just because he has blue skin. (For the record, the commissar wasn't a mutant, he just had a bad reaction to some questionable medicine)

3) Don't get caught bedding a VIP's child. I'm not saying you shouldn't be in a relationship with, say, the planetary governor's daughter, (I am. Four words. OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE! Also, three more words. FUCKING BLUE BLOOD!) especially if she feels the same way, I'm just saying don't get caught with your pants down in the literal and/or metaphorical sense. Also related, if you're going to break up with a VIP's child, be sure to break it to them gently, and have an escape plan if they don't take the breakup too well. Not the stupidest way to die, at least compared to most of the other entries listed by my fellow Guardsmen, but there's not much dignity in getting hanged to death, especially if you end up losing bladder and bowel control in the middle of it.

4) In relation to #22 in the original list, don't talk about Squats within ear-shot of anyone who looks official (especially inquisitors), people who came from planets in or around the galactic core (where the Squats supposedly once lived), Dark Angels (see #12 on the original list), or anyone suffering from dwarfism (they've probably been harassed with accusations of being Squats or their descendants enough already). (Well, silver lining. If publishing this one doesn't get me killed, I don't think anything will. Might as well start talking about Fyodor Karamazov's chode now, because fuck it, how could I dig myself any deeper?)

5) Don't cheat in games of chance. Seriously, people get killed for not honoring their bets, what do you think's gonna happen if you get caught with a literal ace up your sleeve? This specific event that inspired this didn't end in death (although it could have), but it did end with the cheater in question learning an important lesson about Ratlings: never piss off someone who doesn't need to kneel or bend over to use your bollocks as a punching bag. By the Throne, I think I actually heard one of them pop! (Tell the pussy to get kicked by a Warboss, then he can complain)

6) Don't try to intimidate a Khornite cultist. I honestly can't believe this actually needs to be said, and yet I was proven quite wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong! My unit was sent in to clear out a cult on some agri-world in the arse-end of the galaxy, and everything was going quite well...until the blueblood we were forced to bring along with us (No prizes for guessing where this is going) (the bastard son of some baron or something who wanted to prove his worth to daddy or some shite) decided that he wanted to prove his manhood by trying to scare the cult leader into submission. (I guess we should count ourselves lucky he didn't pull his pants down) I'll give the boy this much, he was pretty impressive, certainly would have put the fear of the Emperor into a veteran hive ganger, (The dick gun guys?) but nothing in comparison to the roar of hatred and fury that the cult leader emitted. The dumb shite lived long enough to shit and piss his pants before the cult leader chopped his head off. Oh well, one less useless blueblood in the galaxy at least.

7) Snipers, don't try to score a headshot on an enemy sniper by shooting through their rifle scope. I get it, it's impressive and certainly worth bragging about, but that doesn't necessarily mean you're the best sniper in the galaxy, it was most likely a lucky shot. (Assuming you can get it to work, someone tell the dipshits that it's kind of a crapshot) All that time spent aiming for that perfect shot is time better spent shooting the prick dead and looking for another target to shoot dead. Emperor knows, if the enemy sniper doesn't end up killing you, the commissar will for not doing your fraking job properly!

8) Blank rounds can be deadly! I don't give a flying frak if there's no bullet in the case, IT'S STILL EXPLOSIVE CHEMICALS BEING DETONATED AND HOT GAS BEING PUSHED OUT THE BARREL! This frakhead, a few years back, thought it would be a ton of laughs to shoot a snub pistol next to my ear, thinking that it'd be harmless because it was a blank cartridge. Next thing I knew, not only was my hearing in my right ear gone, MY RIGHT EAR WAS GONE AS WELL! I would have beaten that idiot to death with my bear hands once I was able to recover from the shock of the situation, if it wasn't for this wet-behind-the-ears recruit emptying his las-rifle into him first, thinking he just saw a murder right in front of his eyes. (All in all, I'd say the lad did the Emperor's work) Didn't help that there was a rumor about a mole in our midst (thankfully, that was just a rumor that was cleared up later in the day, with me and the would-be prankster being the only causalities.) The upside here is that I got a nice bionic earpiece. I mean, it's second-hand, but it a quality piece in good condition, with a built-in micro-bead to boot.

9) Don't assume something is dead just because it's lying on the ground motionlessly. There's this ancient Terran expression called "Playing Possum", don't know what the frak a possum is (some sort of alien rodent or something?), (I think it flies and lays eggs in swamps, and I heard something about it spitting acid) but it basically means pretending you're dead so your enemy drops their guard, at which point you either run away or kill said enemy. If you see a body, and you're not sure they're dead or not, shoot it a few times in a vital point. This is especially true when dealing with the Necrons (read #17 on the original list), in which case you throw a grenade or two at the body instead. My former commissar use to bitch at me all the time for wasting munitions on the dead...until that Ork nob he was insisting was very much dead stood up and decided to put his boot up the commissar's ass (not literally, thank the Emperor, but not from the lack of trying.), hence why he's my former commissar.

10) Don't use faulty equipment. I know, sometimes (read nearly half of the time) the Administratum bollocks up and sends us the wrong things (like clean dress uniforms instead of the artillery shells we needed), (Oh...fuck. Well, at least I know where my laundry went) and that's when they even remember that the planet you're on even exists, so you have no choice but to use whatever you can get your hands on. However, if and when you can afford it, either get any faulty equipment you have repaired by the cog-boys (or cog-girl in the case of my unit), or just throw them in the garbage pile and get new equipment. Our numerous enemies are doing a good enough job at killing us without us blowing ourselves up with faulty and damaged weapons. I told that idiot that his lasrifle shouldn't be sparking like that, but noooo. He was all "It's alright, I've used rifles in worse condition than this before and they worked just fine." Oh, it worked alright, it did a damn fine job of overloading and blowing his arms and face off, and making my one good ear ring for the better part of two weeks. Still, not counting the ringing in my ear, he was the only causality of that incident, so that's something.

11) Don't talk about the "lost" seventh Assassin Temple within earshot of anyone who looks like they work with the Inquisition. (I swear, either I'm getting away with so much, or the Inquisition is going to have me murdered slowly and painfully) Already been mentioned in the original manuscript, but I'm gonna elaborate a little here. Legend has it that there was suppose to be a seventh temple specializing in some sort of super-assassins/living weapons, but it was dismantled either because the Inquisition learned that they were making human/alien hybrids to serve as assassins (some rumors say that it was Tyranid DNA, so needless to say that's bound to go wrong no matter what you do), that said experiment went horribly wrong and killed everyone involved, or that it went horribly right, except that it considered every member of the Imperium its target. I don't know for certain because there's several different versions of the same story, and the Inquisition's got a real hate-on for every version of it. Look, just don't talk about it unless you, for some Emperor forsaken reason, you actually want to experience the Nine Actions first hand.

12) Don't insult someone's taste in women. Harmless ribbing is fine, but don't be mean about it, for Emperor's sake. Not always deadly (though it sometimes does end in someone getting their arse kicked), but the potential is there. In this particular example a member of my unit (a blueblood, stuck-up as any of the lot, but at the very least is able to hold his own in the battlefield and then some, so gotta give him credit) had an abhuman girlfriend (I shite you not, swear by the Golden Throne of Holy Terra, a felinid, his bodyguard to be exact. I couldn't make this shite up if I tried!). We were on a short leave on this nice little garden world, having a celebratory drink at one of the nicest pubs I've ever been in, when several members of my unit, a few members of some other units, and the local bluebloods start giving the man crap for dating a felinid (I'm wondering if they actually saw her. I certainly wouldn't be talking shit, I've actually seen Felnids in person, they're fucking terrifying, what with that whole "apex predator" thing that people love to gloss over) (mutie-lover and cat-fucker being a few of the insults being flung). Long story short, there was a fight, me and about five other guys provided back up for the couple, and when it was over only the man and his girlfriend were still standing, the hecklers that didn't have good sense to run away were beaten up, badly. More than a few chairs were smashed, one guy was trying to put his teeth back in his mouth, three were thrown out throw the window, at least one guy was actually killed, possibly two (one had a broken beer bottle jammed in his throat, so he was certainly dead, and the other guy was gushing blood from his head and didn't move at all, but I wasn't sure if he was dead or not), and everyone who wasn't sent to the hospital was arrested by the local Arbites. Thankfully all the charges were dropped, so nobody got blammed by a commissar.

Again, this sort of shite I couldn't make up if I tried, and I have actually tried. And for the record, yes, I would have done again if I had the choice. The galaxy's a crock of shite and those two finally found happiness with each other, I'm not gonna stand by and let a bunch of idiots frak that up for them! I'm aware that this attitude will probably get me an entry in this list, but I have standards that I strive to live up to, and that is one of them.

13) Friendly fire is anything but friendly. Whether they're solid slugs, Eldar shurikans, las rounds, Tau energy shots, Necron disintegrator beams, bolter rounds, etc. projectiles are indiscriminate killers (unless seeker bullets are a thing, I wouldn't be surprised if the Tech Priests are sitting on a shite-load of them on Mars) . Allow me to share another ancient Terran saying: It's not the bullet with your name on it that you have to worry about, it's the one addressed "To whom it may concern". (Knowing my luck, half the shots that came in my direction had "to that Prick" written on them) I know it's hard to do in the chaos of a battlefield, but try to keep track of the general direction everyone is in, so that you don't end up either shooting someone in the arse or (in my case) getting shot in the arse. Didn't die, needless to say (although I'm still in mourning for my left arse cheek), but it can happen.

14) Don't believe every silly superstition you hear. I know we live in a world where daemons and gods exist, but let's at least try to be reasonable here. There was this one lad in my unit, nice enough guy, if a little naive. He actually carried around, on a chain, a bullet with his name etched into it, saying that the people of his planet believed that as long as they carried a bullet with their name on it, they won't be killed by gunfire. Gonna be honest, he may have been on to something, that bolter round should have turned the poor sod into colored rain, instead it just blew his legs off. That World Eater's chain axe, however, was still as lethal as ever, and that cruel son-of-a-bitch started from the groin up. Poor kid. (Well, I guess it beats those tribals who think their swords have an evil spirit in them that demands blood)

One possible caveat, however, is any superstition that involves birds and bad omens, especially ones involving black birds. Say what you will of the other Dark Gods, but Tzeentch is the one that scares the ever-loving shite out of me the most. With the other gods you have an idea of what you're in for (a quick yet bloody death with Khorne, daemonic gonorrhea with Nurgle, and spike-covered rape tentacles with Slannesh), but with Tzeentch you have no idea what's gonna happen, and not knowing is right bloody scary. I don't care how silly the superstition sounds, if it involves black birds and bad omens then you better damn well treat it with the same seriousness as you would the Word of the Emperor Himself!

15) Zombies cannot be reasoned with. (...Fucking really?) Apparently sometime during the 13th Black Crusade Nurgle decided that the galaxy wasn't fraked up enough and decided to jizz out one of the worst diseases he has ever created, the zombie plague! Anyone infected with this plague (and I do mean anyone, there is no cure and no one with an immunity to any strain of the plague has been discovered yet) will eventually die and rise up as a walking corpse with only one desire, to feed off the flesh of the living! Yes, some inquisitors do believe that the zombies have some memory of their former life, but even if that's true, their need to feed overrides what little else is going on in their maggot infested brains. So no matter how much it hurts to have to put down granny, you gotta do it, because no matter how many times you remind her that you're her favorite grand-daughter, she's still gonna rip out your throat (thanks for nothing, bitch! Those were my last two las-rifle shots! You know how hard it is to fight off a horde of the living dead with nothing but your combat knife strapped to the end of a long stick? Pretty fraking hard! Thank the Emperor for the Harakoni Warhawks and their impeccable sense of timing.)

16) Don't get cute on Imperial voidcraft. Most Navy captains are, unsurprisingly, a very no-nonsense breed of human, with little-to-no tolerance for stupidity, (So long as the person being stupid didn't have an inbred, blue blood set of parents) and some can be pretty creative with punishments. The captain is this particular example had an appreciation for the classics, namely keelhauling. For those who don't know (which is most everyone), keelhauling is an ancient form of punishment designed back when the only ships that existed were sea-faring ones (yeah, it's really that old) where the victim was tied to a line that loops under the ship, thrown overboard, and literally dragged across the side of the ship, and was kept there often until he drowned or died from blood-loss (those old sea ships were often covered in some sort of hard-shelled creatures called "barnacles", sounds like a pretty mean little critter whatever the hell it is.). Just because voidcraftaren't in water or covered in hard-shelled little monsters doesn't mean you can't be keelhauled. The stupid smeghead getting hauled thought he was getting off easy just because he was going to be in a void suit the whole time, he wouldn't have been so cocky if he got hit with micrometeorites (those things can be smaller than a snub pistol slug, yet they can hit harder than a bolter shel), we get side-swiped by an enemy vessel, or if he ran out of breathable air. None of the above happened in this case, instead he was left outside when we needed to enter the Warp. When we finally exited the Warp the captain decided the poor sod had enough and had him dragged back in. All that was left was the void suit. No blood, no signs of damage on the suit, it was like the man just ceased to exist. Frakking spooked the lot of us, it did.

17) Aphrodisiacs are not a viable weapon. Yeah, yeah, "make love, not war" and all that shite, well allow me to remind you that A) some of the things we fight are incapable of loving, B) are incapable of sex, and C) have no business having sex in the first place. This particular example is actually a case of another balls-up courtesy of the Adeptus Administratum. We were suppose to receive some sort of acid that we were suppose to pour on a Nurgle cult in order to thoroughly purify the area, (GOD DAMN IT!) what we got instead was several hundred liters of some high-grade aphrodisiac (probably meant for some bluebloods private sex party or something). Dear Emperor on the Throne, that was the single worst thing I've ever seen, a Nurgling orgy! It was one of those things that are so horrible that, no matter how much you want to look away, you can't stop watching! Several of my fellow guardsmen actually tore out their own eyes, and more than a few committed suicide either on the spot or later on afterwards. It wasn't until the cultist started growing tentacles that we were able to come to our senses enough to get the hell out of there. When we reported the incident, it was no surprise that command did not hesitate order Exterminatus via two-stage cyclonic torpedo (these are the ones that actually destroy the planet completely, not just leave it a barren wasteland), and it was telling when the survivors of my unit were giving two years leave.

Not enough liquor and therapy in the galaxy to unseen that horror show.

18) Don't "borrow" an inquisitor's rosary. Why, by Sanguinius' flowing flaxen locks, why do I have to include this in the list? Shouldn't it be pretty damn obvious that you shouldn't frak with the Inquisition and its agents? A true story, unfortunately. A member of my unit thought it would be cool to steal the rosary from a visiting inquisitor while he was napping. Stupid smeghead was bragging and showing off the big I like that thing was his apparently giant dick, (Five Thrones says a woman wouldn't even feel him) no surprise that he ended up being taken in for "questioning" later that day, and was never seen or heard from again.

19) Space Marines aren't interested in going on a date with you. I admit, I've had fantasies of romantic trysts with Space Marines from time to time (then again, I imagine most women, and some men, do), but I know full well that that's all they'll ever be, fantasies. From what I've heard, Space Marines can't have sex. (There's a lot of back and forth on whether or not they actually have their equipment still, making this kind of conversation really fucking awkward in mixed company) I don't know if it's because they're sterile, or if they're literally dickless (not that I'd ever accuse a Space Marine of being dickless. But by the grace of the Emperor I still have most of my original body, and I aim to keep it that way if possible), but the end of the matter is that they can't have sex, so they're not going to be interest in romance. Besides, they've got a shite load of more important things to deal with, namely keeping what remains of the Imperium together in the face of our numerous enemies. How is this deadly? Well, I haven't heard of any such incident yet, but I imagine a Space Marine may eventually tire of all those romantic advances and decide rip someones head off.

20) Angry Marines are not a real Space Marine Chapter! Apparently these this idea there's a whole Chapter of Space Marines that specialize in melee, cussing up a storm, and generally being angrier than Khorne himself. This would be stupid enough if it wasn't for the fact that some of these idiots have assumed that if a Space Marine's wearing yellow armor, then they must be one of the Angry Marines. (This is a thing on your end of the galaxy too? UUUUGGGGGGHHHH) I'm not sure how the Lamenters or the Marines Malevolent feel about this, but I can verify that the Imperial Fists have taken more than enough of this shite, and are more than eager to show anyone who accuses them of being part of this fictional Chapter what a real angry Marine really looks like, often with messy results. (semi-related, I can also verify that humans brains taste lousy. When Marines are slaughtering people, try to keep your mouth shut.)