14. Together We Are Strong

Thank you all so much for the response on my last chapter! I know you're all curious when she'd done it the first time and I hope you like the outcome of this chapter. I'm aware that this is a sensitive topic but for me, this was always something I imagined that might could have happened in her past, that's why I made it a part of this story.

Flashbacks are in italic and I still own nada.

14. Together We Are Strong

″Erin Lindsay,″ one of the nurses in her doctor's office called. Erin got up from the chair where she's been sitting for the past twenty minutes and walked towards the nurse who held the door of one of the examination rooms open.

″Here's a gown and you can change your clothes right there,″ she said when they were inside and handed Erin the all too familar gown and pointed to a curtain in the corner of the room.

″Thank you.″

″Dr. Hanson will be here in some minutes,″ the nurse then explained and left Erin alone. She undressed herself, slipped into the gown and then sat down on the edge of the examination table, waiting for her doctor to finally come so she could leave all of this behind her. After fifteen more endless minutes, Dr. Hanson finally entered the room.

″Ms. Lindsay, sorry for the delay,″ she said and reached for Erin's hand to shake it.

″No problem,″ Erin answered and watched her doctor sitting down on her desk, typing something into her computer and making some notes on a chart that laid on her desk.

″So, you're here today because you don't want to keep the baby you're carrying, am I right?″

″Yes,″ she answered and nodded.

″When did you find out you're pregnant?″

″Three days ago.″

″And your pregnancy has already been confirmed by a doctor at Med or something?″ she asked and looked up from her computer to Erin for the first time.

″I took six tests at home and they all came back positive, I don't think I need any more confirmation,″ Erin answered dryly.

″Alright, then we have to do a routine check-up first,″ she said and got up from her chair, crossing the room towards Erin.

″What? Why? Can't we just simply...get this done?″ she mumbled and nervously rubbed her palms that laid in her lap.

″No Ms. Lindsay, we can't just simply get this done. We first have to do an ultrasound to make sure that this isn't an ectopic pregnancy or something and then we can go on from there. Would you please lay down?″

Erin inhaled deeply and then laid down on the examination table, putting her feet into the stirrups while she stared up to the white ceiling.

″May I ask you why you decided for an abortion? For me, you never seemed like a person who would do something like this, so I was quite surprised when I saw your name and the reason why you're coming in my calender yesterday,″ Dr. Hanson said as she set some adjustments at the ultrasound machine.

″Because this is not the right time for me to have a baby and some people in general shouldn't and can't be mothers. And I'm one of them.″

″Does this baby have a father?″

″No. No, it was conceived without one, magically,″ Erin answered and didn't even try to hide a sarcastic undertone.

″Let me say it different: do you have a partner or was this an accident?″

″I have a partner but it was an accident nonetheless. I don't even know how this could have happened,″ Erin sighed.

″Does he know about all of this?″

″Yes he does. Why do you even want to know all of this?″ she asked.

″Because it's my job. I want to know what's going on and I want to be sure that you're fully aware of the decision you make,″ Dr. Hanson said and gave Erin a meaningful glance.

″Fine. As you now checked all of this can we please get this done?″ She just wanted this nightmare to be over and the last thing she wanted right now was thinking about Jay and his reaction when she had told him that there wasn't the future for them in store he used to dream about. She has anyway thought about that so much already.

″Sure, get ready,″ Dr. Hanson said and held the transvaginal wand up, making Erin feel more uncomfortable than she already was. She closed her tired eyes and quietly winced as she felt the wand entering her body.

″Here we go,″ her doctor said, but Erin kept her gaze focused on the ceiling, even turned her head away to the other direction and stared to the desk.

″No ectopic pregnancy, everything looks perfectly fine. You have a healthy baby there. Do you want to take a look?″

Erin exhaled a long breath. She has still hoped that all the tests had shown a wrong result although she has known deep inside that they didn't.

″No I don't. So can we please...-″ she said quietly and felt tears burning in the corners of her eyes.

″...just get this done? Yes I know Erin, this is all you care about right now. But let me check one last thing.″

″Whatever,″ Erin sighed and closed her eyes again, hoping that everything would be over by the time she opened them again.

And then there it was: this one noise, that let her freeze and shiver and took her memories back to sixteen years ago and even let one single tear fall from her eyes.

'Woosh-woosh, woosh-woosh.'

The soft and steady heartbeat of her baby. The definite proof that a little human being was growing inside of her, that this was real. More tears formed in her eyes when she thought back to the last time she had heard this noise and how it was gone after the procedure was done, how silent the room was when they did a control ultrasound afterwards. It had been the right decision back then, she was fifteen and had problems all over the place, but as she now listened to her baby's rhythmic heartbeat and also remembered all of the things Jay had said she wasn't sure anymore whether it was the right decision now. Could and should she be a mother? In her opinion not. But did this make it a right decision? She was in a stable relationship after all. She loved Jay and she knew the same applied to him. He was the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, the man she planned her future with although these plans have never really included having children. At least for her.

Slowly and kinda scared of what she would see, Erin turned her head around and glanced to the black-and-white screen that clearly showed the profile of her baby. Jay's baby. Hers and Jay's baby. The baby she and the man she loved more than anything else in this world have created. And no later than she also saw the baby's heart beating, she knew for sure she wasn't able to do this. To abort their baby. To kill their baby. She swallowed hardly and did her best not to let the tears fall that welled in her eyes while she glanced at the screen and also thought about Jay's words from earlier this day again. When he had told her that he wanted them to be a family. How his emphatic words had affected her ever since. How she had tried to push the thought away of having this baby afterwards because she simply couldn't be a mother. No matter how much Jay obviously wanted to be a father. Because only the thought about being a mother scared the hell out of her. But now, as she saw her baby and heard its heart beating there was no way that she was going to do what she had planned to do and what she had told and assured herself over and over again would be the best to do ever since finding out she was pregnant.

Dr. Hanson looked at her patient's reaction but didn't say anything, just waited for her to say something as soon as she would be ready for it.

″How old?″ Erin asked when she finally found her voice again that was still crackier than she thought it would be.

″Well, given the size of the baby I'd say around nine to ten weeks,″ she smiled, turned the wand a bit and then carefully removed it.

″Ten weeks?!″ Erin echoed and her eyes widened in disbelief.

″Yeah, looks like it.″

″How could I have missed that?″ she asked and shook her head, still not being able to believe that she's been pregnant for the last ten weeks without noticing anything. Of course lots of things had happened these past weeks. Her long-term illness, her nearly-break-up with Jay, going to New York and then going to Wisconsin for their vacation.

″The human body has its ways to keep a secret. Was anything different these past weeks?″

″No, absolutely not. Not until I had to throw up in the morning some days ago. I mean, I was often tired and slept a lot but I never paid special attention to it,″ she answered while putting her feet out of the stirrups.

″What about your period?″

″The morning I felt sick for the first time, I realized I was late. I often am due to stress but that morning I realized I've never been that late. Plus, I had a bad pneumonia some weeks ago and was on high-dosed antibiotics for more than three weeks, so I thought that messed up the regular rhythm somehow. And I thought being so tired all the time is the aftermath of my pneumonia in general. I never considered the possibility of being pregnant.″

″You were on high-dosed antibiotics?″ she asked and raised her eyebrows. ″Did you sleep with your partner during that time? Because then we would have the answer to your how-could-that-happen.″

″I wasn't even able to walk from my bedroom to the kitchen without having the feeling to suffocate. So the answer is no,″ Erin said but her head kept on working on putting the pieces together. Nine to ten weeks. The antibiotics were the solution why her birth control pills had stopped working, so it took her only some seconds to figure out that there was only one possibility left. The one night on the couch when they had celebrated their 6-month-anniversary.

″Uhm...so...I was sick and my partner's brother, who is a doctor, gave me some very light antibiotics. I took them only two times that day and in the evening...you know. The following day I had my accident, they found out I have a bad pneumonia and I was then on high-dosed antibiotics for three weeks afterwards,″ she said, pressing her hand against her forehead.

″Guess you have your answer there,″ Dr. Hanson winked.

″This can't be possible,″ Erin answered and shook her head vehement.

″Miracles happen, Erin.″

″Apparently they do,″ she sighed and sat up.

″Listen Erin, I'm not going to do an abortion today because I saw your reaction when you heard your baby's heartbeat and I really don't think that you thought about the consequences of your decision let alone that you really considered the possibility of keeping the baby. I want you to think about this for one night, maybe talk to your partner and we will make a new appointment for tomorrow. Then we will either do the abortion or I'll give you some prenatal vitamin pills and we'll discuss how things will go on, okay?″

″Mhm,″ Erin nodded in response.

″Do you want to have a print of the sonogram?″

″Maybe,″ Erin shrugged and with this answer, Dr. Hanson already knew that the young woman in front of her wouldn't come back for an abortion the following day.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

″Again?″ Jay asked her and immediately squeezed her hand a little tighter as he knew another chapter of her past would come up that she obviously wasn't able to share with him until yet, forgetting for a second that she also just had said that she hasn't aborted their baby.

″Yeah,″ she whispered and looked at him as more tears fell from her eyes. Once again she inhaled deeply to calm herself down and to prepare herself to share this part of her past with the man who deserved to know about it. The man who would have stayed with her even if she had aborted their baby. The man who loved her so much that he had accepted her decision although he'd clearly wanted something different. The man who would always be there for her and never leave her side no matter what. The man whose baby she was carrying under her heart.

″Some weeks before Hank and Camille took me in, I found out I was pregnant,″ she started and cleared her throat so she was able to speak louder. ″I was fifteen and a baby was the last thing I needed in my life. Bunny was on her hundreth or so rehab and there was Teddy I had to take care of. We didn't even have money for food, so of course I knew that there was no chance to afford the money for an abortion.″

″Why didn't you ask Hank?″

″I never begged Hank for anything, except the one time Bunny's boyfriend almost beat all of us to death. That was the only time I called him because I was afraid he'd kill us. The other times he just checked by, left some food or asked me for some information as I was his CI and left some money in return so I was able to buy food. I never asked him for money and asking for help wasn't easy for me back then already. In addition he always helped me enough by keeping me out of lock-up after stealing booze or whatever else I did to forget the drama around me for a minute. So after finding out I was pregnant I knew that I needed to find a way to end the pregnancy and without money there weren't many possibilities. I went to some friends, drank almost a bottle of vodka there, took some pills and cocaine and hoped that I would force a miscarriage. Of course I had an overdose and although my friends were high, too, they were still able to call an ambulance when I collapsed. The next thing I remember is how I woke up in the hospital and Hank sat on the side of my bed, looking deeply worried. He told me that the doctors had found his card in one of my pockets and had therefore called him. The funny thing is, this overdose almost killed me, but the baby was still there. And Hank knew about it as the doctors had told him. He then told me that I was already thirteen weeks pregnant. I started to cry because all of this was too much for me and then he took my hand and told me that we were going to find a solution,″ Erin said and swallowed the lump that built up in her throat all the time. ″The next day he came and told me that he knows a doctor who owes him a favor and so we went there after I've been discharged from the hospital. Before the doctor did it, he made an ultrasound and I saw the baby and heard its heartbeat although I got a sedative before that should've made me asleep. And when he did another ultrasound after everything was done, my uterus was empty again and the baby was gone and the room was filled with silence. I then moved in with Hank, Camille and Justin some weeks later.″

″The baby...was it Charlie's?″ Jay quietly asked without even knowing why out of all the things he could and should have said right now, he asked her this.

″I don't know,″ she shrugged.

″You don't know?″ he echoed.

″Jay, I did many things that I'm not proud of. You know that because you saw my file. But I did everything to keep Teddy safe, to provide him the childhood he deserved, to get food on the table for him and to keep the heaters in our apartment on so we wouldn't freeze to death during the cold Chicago winters. And that sometimes meant I had to cross the line to get the things we needed. So maybe it was Charlie's. Or maybe it was one of the other two guys's.″ Erin said and Jay slightly shivered by the thought that fragile, teenage Erin had slept with old, disgusting men to take care of her family. But on the other hand, he wasn't surprised about the things she had done for her brother, because this was how Erin was: she always thought about others first and not herself and she always gave everything for the people she loved, even if that meant she had to cross lines and do things no one should have to do, especially not a 15-year-old girl. Now it also made much more sense why she was into drugs and alcohol as a teen. Not because she was an addict in first place, but because this stuff helped her to forget, helped her to stand the things she had to do and then slowly but steady made her addicted.

″I hope you don't blame me for this,″ she almost whispered as he didn't answer anything.

″I don't.″

″Also with the baby...I was so desperate as I knew I wasn't able to raise a child. I had Teddy and I was pretty good in taking care of him...but a baby? Punish an innocent baby with birthing it into my life, into my world? That it would eventually have the same future in store that I thought I have? No,″ she whispered and shook her head. ″No one did deserve that. And there was so much other stuff I had to deal with...it just wasn't an option to keep it.″

″Hey Er,″ he said and softly grabbed her chin so she had to look him in the eyes. ″You did the right thing back then.″

″Mhm,″ she mumbled. ″But it wasn't the right thing this time. Jay, when I heard the baby's heartbeat and then saw it on the screen...I couldn't do it...The things you said...I want us to make this work, too. I want us to have this baby. Our baby. I mean...we'll get it handled, won't we?″ she asked him shyly and he could see the fear in her beautiful hazel eyes.

″Of course we do, Erin. Because together we are strong,″ he said, brushed a strand of her dirty blonde hair out of her face and placed a soft kiss on her temple.

″We are,″ she agreed.

″Last week I told you that I believe that everything in life happens for a reason. And although we don't know why this unplanned surprise is now changing our life completely, I'm sure there is a reason.″

″Mhm,″ she only mumbled again.

″Erin?″ he asked and continued speaking as she looked at him. ″You know I would've accepted your decision and I would've stayed with you even if you had done it...but what I don't understand and can't accept is why you wanted to do it without telling me...without talking about it with me before...″ he said and the moment he had finished talking she immediately lowered her head and looked down to their Hands, his stil holding hers.

″I was overstrained...and scared...and based on that I made the wrong decision,″ she spluttered and then took a deep breath. ″I thought telling you about it would make it real...and I wasn't able to accept that this has really happened. I thought I made the right decision and I knew this decision would hurt you and would break your heart. But I didn't want to hurt you or break your heart because you don't deserve that so I thought it's the best when you don't know about it. But in the end I hurt you anyway...because that's what I always do and always did...I hurt the people who care about me...that's who I am...″ she said and towards the end her voice broke and tears streamed down her face again.

″Erin,″ he sighed and wiped her tears away with his thumb, covering her cheek with his palm. For a moment he thought about what he was going to say as he didn't know what to think about this. On the one hand he was still hurt that she hadn't talked to him in first place, especially after everything they've been through during the last months. But on the other hand it was kind of sensitive from her that she had wanted to protect him from the pain the abortion inevitably would have caused.

″Your intentions were...kind. But it was my right to know.″

″I know, Jay. And I'm sorry. I should've talked with you.″

Jay only nodded in response and for some minutes that sat there in complete silence, just listening to the wind.

″You wanna see something?″ she then asked him, her voice still being a bit insecure, and a weak smile rushed over her face.

″Sure,″ he answered, being quite curious about what she was going to show him. She grabbed her bag, pulled out a black-and-white photo and handed it to him. His heart literally jumped in his chest and a bright smile appeared on his face when he saw the first photo of their baby.

″This is awesome,″ he grinned after some moments. ″I mean, you can already tell that this is a baby. At least almost,″ he laughed and still wasn't able to gaze anywhere else but the photo.

″Yeah, that's because it's already nine to ten weeks old.″

Jay looked up from the photo and into his girlfriend's face and another short smile rushed over her lips when she saw his surprised glance.

″Did you just say nine to ten weeks?″

″Yep,″ she nodded.

″Wait a second...Didn't you have your pneumonia around nine or ten weeks ago?″

″Well, you got that faster than I did. And you know what the funny thing is about antibiotics combined with birth control? One of them stops working while the other one works. Even when they're just light ones and you just take them twice a day for only one day and then sleep with your boyfriend because you celebrate your 6-month-anniversary,″ she answered all dry.

″Wow...that's...nice. I mean, am I a man or what?″ he laughed.

″Yeah, congrats Jay. You had one hot shot and you knocked me right up with it.″

″Oh come on Er, it's kinda funny.″

″Is it?″ she asked, raising her eyebrows.

″A little,″ he chuckled. ″And you know what's funny, too? That our baby was conceived on that one couch you needed a couch-guy for which was basically the start for all of this.″

″Yeah, I thought about that. Maybe I need a new one again, because who knows what else this couch will do to us.″

″Oh no, I really like your couch,″ he winked. ″On another note: does having a baby belong into the category of baby-steps we decided to take not so long ago?″

″Don't even mention it,″ she sighed.

″Okay,″ Jay simply answered and got up from the floor, reaching out for her hand. ″Come on, lets get you home,″ he smiled and pulled her up when she grabbed his hand.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

They went home to Erin's place, ordered some Italian food and later ate in almost complete silence as the realization, that they were really going to be a family, slowly started to hit them. They didn't exactly talk about it for the rest of the evening, just laid on her couch together, watching TV. When they later laid in bed, with Jay having his arm loosely wrapped around Erin's waist, none of them was able to sleep. They both still had to deal with the happenings of the day and with the thoughts how their life was going to change in the next few months.

″We're going to have a baby,″ Erin somewhen said into the darkness, still trying to convince herself that this was real and not only some weird dream. Or nightmare.

″We're going to have a baby,″ Jay echoed and pulled her closer to his body.

″Jay, I'm scared,″she then whispered with barely no voice what made it hard for Jay to even understand her.

″I know, Er. But there's no reason for it. You're not alone, I'm here and I know that we can do this. That you can do this.″

″Mhm,″ she mumbled but Jay knew she was anything but convinced. ″I need to go to Dr. Hanson again tomorrow evening. Uhm...would you...would you maybe come with me?″ she asked him and her voice sounded shy and insecure.

Jay sighed and placed a gentle kiss on the back of her head.

″Erin look at me,″ he said and she slowly rolled over. Although the room was in complete darkness, he knew that she was looking directly into his eyes, her face only centimeters away from his. He brought his hand up from her waist to her face and softly stroked her cheek with his thumb.

″When I promised you yesterday that I'll be there for you and the baby, I meant it. But I will promise you again, just because it doesn't harm when you hear it again: I will be there for you and the baby no matter what. We'll go every step of this together because we're in this together. I will brush your hair out of your face when you have to throw up. Well, in case you let me. But however, I will do it. I will go to every doctor's appointment with you if you want me to be with you. I will visit birthing classes with if you even want to attend them and I will be in the delivery room with you. And in this case I really don't care whether you want me to be there or not because I will be there,″ he grinned.

″Jay, I know what you want to tell me but let's please get back to one step at a time okay? Because right now I'm not quite ready to think further ahead than that appointment tomorrow,″ she admitted with a low voice. Of course she knew for 100 percent sure that Jay would never break his promise. But all in all this was still too much for her to handle right now and maybe that was the reason why she needed to hear it over and over again. Because hearing him say that he would always be there for her gave her a little comfort while her mind was still full of insecurity. While she hoped they would really make it work as a family, that their baby wouldn't have to grow up in a broken family like she did and that they could provide their baby the childhood she never had. While she still feared she would be just as bad as Bunny as a mother.

″I got you,″ Jay answered and placed a kiss on her forhead.

″Thank you,″ Erin whispered, laid her head down on his chest and snuggled deeper into his embrace, letting him hold her tightly because that was what she needed so much right now. That he was just there for her and gave her the feeling that somehow everything was going to be okay although she still struggled, not with her decision to keep the baby, but with her pregnancy and all the consequences and big changes for their life in general.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

The following day at work was kind of weird for both of them. Jay actually wanted to grin all day because the thought of becoming a father grew on him really fast and made him unbelievably happy. But at the same time, Erin's struggles and unhappiness with the whole situation made it hard for him to be really happy about the exciting things that were going to happen in their life. Of course this was huge for him, too, but he knew that things for her were a whole lot different and that she was not ready for anything of this because there were still so many other things that should normally get fixed first, before adding a baby to their life. And he knew of course that she was scared about becoming a mother and having a baby not only because she had admitted it last night. He had some vague ideas what her fears were all about. That it was mostly because she thought she couldn't be a mother because her own mother was anything but a role-model.

But he would give her all the time until she was actually ready to talk with him about the reasons why she was so scared and why she wanted to abort their baby in first place as well as he would give her all the time to grow into her new role. It would surely take some time until she'd feel completely comfortable with the whole situation but he was sure that they would make it work and that Erin would be an amazing mother as soon as she'd stop to doubt herself and her life.

It was a boring day in the bullpen as no new case showed up, so all they did was tons of paper work and talking about the team building event in New Buffalo the whole team had to go to on the following weekend. As the evening came closer, Hank even sent them all home early to enjoy the rest of this hot summer day somewhere by the lake or at the pool or whatever each of them wanted to do.

Erin and Jay went to eat some ice cream, took a little stroll in a park close by and then went to Doctor Hanson's office. As they had gotten the last possible appointment that evening, they didn't even have to wait and were instead allowed to directly take a seat in the examination room where Erin has been 24 hours prior already.

″Hey, everything is fine,″ Jay said as they sat down at Dr. Hanson's desk and as he could see that she was quite nervous. He softly stroked her knee and then laid his hand on top of hers, that was resting on her thigh.

″Yeah,″ she only nodded and in the same moment, Dr. Hanson walked into the room, took her seat adverse the two of them and smiled at the couple.

″So I guess you made your decision?″ she asked, glancing at Erin.

″I did,″ she nodded and inhaled deeply. ″I want to keep the baby. We want to keep the baby,″ she then added and looked to Jay who squeezed her hand a little tighter.

″Glad to hear that, Erin. So I assume you are the father?″ Dr. Hanson asked and reached for Jay's hand to shake it.

″I am, Jay Halstead,″ he introduced himself.

″Nice to meet you, Mr. Halstead,″ she smiled. ″Well, I guess the first thing I'm going to say is: congratulations.″

″Thank you,″ Jay said.

″Thank you,″ Erin also mumbled.

″As we only did a short ultrasound yesterday, we're doing another one today to messure the baby and to calculate the due date. And so you can also see the baby live, Mr. Halstead,″ she winked.

″That's great,″ he grinned and his heart flipped by this thought.

″And no worries Erin, we can do the ultrasound via your stomach this time as the baby is big enough already,″ she explained as she saw that her patient's face was anything but excited about the thought of another ultrasound.

″That's good.″

″Okay, so you can lay down over there already and after everything is done I will give you some prenatal vitamins and you can ask me all the questions you have.″

They both nodded and Erin walked over to the examination table, pulled her jeans and panties down a bit and her shirt up, revealing her flat, trained stomach that wouldn't look like that too much longer.

″This can be a little cold now,″ Dr. Hanson warned her and squirted the gel on Erin's bare stomach. Jay took Erin's hand in his as Dr. Hanson placed the wand on her belly and then brought her hand up to his lips to place a soft kiss on it.

″Alright, here we go,″ Dr. Hanson said as the screen flickered and their baby, not bigger than a cherry, appeared.

″You can see the heart beating here,″ Dr. Hanson explained and pointed to the baby's fastly beating heart. Erin turned her head around to see Jay's reaction and what she saw made her heart burst. He stared at the screen in full fascination and the brightest of smiles was on his face. That kind of smile she had seen last week on the one photo in Wisconsin, where he was pictured with his grandfather. That kind of smile she hasn't seen on his face until yet. She couldn't help but had to smile with him for a moment.

″This is incredible,″ Jay smiled and wasn't able to turn his head away from the screen.

″As I told you yesterday already, the baby looks perfectly fine for this stage of your pregnancy,″ she said and turned the wand a bit. ″And as I now messured the baby exactly it looks like you're really at ten weeks already.″

″Still can't believe that,″ Erin sighed and looked to Jay again.

″At least we now know why you've been such a sleepy head lately,″ he winked and this cute little grin still surrounded his lips.

″Yeah, looks like I didn't recognize all the signs until I had to throw up some days ago,″ Erin answered pensivly.

″You have no idea how often this happens,″ Dr. Hanson laughed. ″So, do you guys have anything planned for January 26th 2017?″ she then smiled.

″January 26th? Not yet,″ Jay grinned.

″Good, because you might have a date with the delivery room on that day.″

″Awesome,″ Jay laughed but stopped when he saw Erin's insecure facial expressions.

″It's only the estimated due date given the current size of your baby and the dates you gave me, Erin. But everything around one or two weeks ahead or after the 26th could be the day you're baby will be born, because only 4% of all babies are born on their actual due date,″ she explained and handed Erin a paper towel to clean her stomach. ″Erin, are you okay?″ Dr. Hanson then asked the young woman who still seemed anything but excited about the news she just had gotten.

″Yeah, I am. I just need some time to deal with...all of this,″ Erin answered, pulled her panties and jeans up, closed the button, pulled her shirt down and then sat up.

″Alright, let's go over to the desk again,″ she said and guided the two of them to the other side of the room where they all took their seats again.

″Do you guys have any questions?″

Jay immediately wanted to ask this one question that was on his mind ever since he knew that they'd keep the baby, but Erin was faster with her one.

″What about all the things I did these past ten weeks? The meds I took and the alcohol I drank?″

″What happened, happened Erin. You should just abstain from alcohol from now on of course. In case you get sick, you need special meds that wouldn't harm the baby. And coffee isn't too good as well.″

″Really? I don't know how to survive my day without coffee,″ Erin sighed.

″It would be good if you could learn it,″ Dr. Hanson said, giving her an encouraging smile. ″Or maybe you can try decaf instead,″ she added.

″Decaf? That's not the same.″

″Well, that's the point, Erin.″

″Okay, I'll try,″ she shrugged. ″What about the morning sickness?″

″Well, you can consider yourself really lucky that you only got that now. Because it will most likely go away within the next two weeks.″

″Two more weeks of having to throw up every morning is long enough,″ she said, not trying to hide the complaining undertone in her voice.

″I'll give you some prenatal vitamins, sometimes they help.″

″Okay,″ Erin nodded in response.

″Do you have any more questions?″ Dr. Hanson asked.

″No,″ Erin replied, shook her head and stood up from her chair, ready to leave Dr. Hanson's office. Jay gazed at her in disbelief for a second and then foiled her plans.

″Uhm...I have one,″ he said.

″Go ahead,″ Dr. Hanson encouraged him.

″What about work? I mean, our jobs are far away from just sitting behind a desk.″

″You're a cop, too?″

″I am. We're partners and working in the Intelligence Unit can be quite dangerous sometimes,″ he explained and saw how Erin looked at him as if she wanted to kill him.

″You guys have of course to tell your boss and then the decision is on him. From the medical point of view there's nothing that keeps you from doing your work just as always. As long as your vest fits and as long as you feel good and safe with the things you do,″ she said and gave Erin a meaningful glance while Jay had to swallow. This wasn't the answer he was hoping for.

″But as I said, this decision is not on me,″ she said again.

″Good. Can we go then Jay or do you have any more questions?″ she asked and raised her eyebrows while looking at him.

″No, I'm fine,″ he answered shortly, giving her the same glance back that she gave him.

″Okay, so you're next appointment would be in six weeks. In case you need anything earlier, you can always come to my office or to Med as I have on-call-duty there several times throughout the week.″

″Thank you,″ Erin said as she shook Dr. Hanson's hand for goodbye.

″Uhm...yeah...thank you,″ Jay also said and followed Erin who was already leaving the room.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

They drove home to Erin's apartment in silence and avoided the conversation both knew was coming. Erin kept her mouth shut because she didn't want to talk about it and Jay kept his mouth shut because he didn't want to pick up a fight in the car. But as soon as they had passed the threshold of her apartment, Jay couldn't hold it back any longer.

″So?″ he asked, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

″So what?″ she asked and went to the kitchen, filling her glass with water like she didn't know and didn't care what he was talking about.

″Don't do that,″ he said harshly.

″Do what?″ she replied, rolling her eyes.

″You know exactly what I mean, Erin. Why did you want to leave Dr. Hanson's office without asking her the most important question of all?″

″Jay, you asked her anyway, so what's your point here?″

″My point is that you obviously don't care about the safety of our baby. That you want to go on like nothing changed.″

″Well, you heard her Jay. I am allowed to go on and work as always for the time being,″ she answered and sipped on her water.

″And this is what you're going to do? Ignoring your pregnancy? Ignoring the fact that there is our baby's heart beating under your heart? Risking not only your life every day but also our baby's? Is this what you want, Er?″ he asked her and had to control his voice from rising.

″Don't make such a drama out of it, please,″ she said quietly and for the first time her voice didn't sound like she wanted to challenge him but like she begged him.

″We have to tell Hank anyway and I'm sure he'll have a different opinion than you have.″

″We can't tell him,″ she said and looked up from the glass she was holding, to him.

″We have to. He needs to know. Not only because he's our boss Er...″

″He's going to kill us.″

″If someone's getting killed by him, it's me, not you Erin. And in case you don't know: you can't hide a pregnancy forever.″

″Thanks for the tip, I really didn't know that,″ she answered, being all sarcastic before she got serious again. ″But we can at least wait a little bit.″

″Erin,″ he sighed and came some steps closer to her.

″Please Jay. Next weekend is this team building shit in New Buffalo and in three weeks is Platt's wedding. If we make my pregnancy official now everyone will talk about us instead of her. Let her be in the spotlight until her wedding. Otherwise there's one Sergeant more who wants to kill us,″ she said and a little laughter escaped from her lips by the thought how Platt would hunt them both through the 21st with a pan in her hands.

″Erin, believe me, I also don't look forward to tell Hank, but...″

″Jay please,″ she interrupted him. ″I'm not ready to be off the streets yet. Our life will change soon enough, so please give me some time to prepare for desk duty and let me do my job in the way I love to do my job for a little while longer. Just some weeks, that's all I'm asking for. I will be careful and when we have to go in somewhere I will do what you tell me, but please, don't take this away from me yet,″ she begged and towards the end her voice broke.

Jay sighed. He understood her. Of course he did. She loved her job just as much as he did and it was hard for him to imagine to sit behind a desk, not being able to do the job he loved so much. But on the other hand he was afraid that something could happen to Erin and the baby, had fears he didn't have before. He wanted them to be safe and the safest place was behind a desk and not out on the streets, chasing the bad guys.

″Alright, we'll tell him after Platt's wedding when she's on her honeymoon. But promise me one thing: tell me when you don't feel right, okay? Don't try to be the tough girl. Don't go in without back-up and always let me check out everything first, okay?″ he asked her while his eyes still reflected so much sorrows.

″Got it,″ she said, gave him a weak smile and wrapped her arms around his waist. He also wrapped his arms around her body, placed a kiss on her forehead and then buried his face in her hair. As he held her tightly in his embrace and smelled the sweet scent of her shampoo, he knew for sure that no matter how strong they were together, this pregnancy and all the things that came along with it were going to be a challenge...

As always, I'd love to know what you think, so please review :)Maybe you already recognized where this story will go for now: it will be about Erin growing into her new role, and Jay as well (but there's of course still lots of other stuff happening, no worries). She will make steps forward and then maybe back again, but I don't know about that for sure yet, so we'll see! ;)