13. Split Decisions

Hey guys,

thank you so much again for your reviews, they always make my day! :)

Not much more to say, so here comes chapter 13. Don't know whether "enjoy" is the right word here but yeah, enjoy! :D (Flashbacks are in italic, as always).

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

13. Split Decisions

″So?″ he asked again, eagerly waiting for her to finally tell him what was going on and why she shut him out of her life once again.

″I just got another proof that my life is one damn accident. That bad things apparently happen to bad people.″ It didn't seem like she wanted to say anything more and Jay started to get more and more annoyed by her talking in secrets and being so distant.

″Erin, WHAT happened?″ Jay dug deeper. He was sick and tired of her dancing around and he wasn't sure how much longer he was able to held his anger back and stay calm. Her distant behaviour bugged and hurt him. Whatever was going on in her life, he wanted to help her, to be there for her, but once again it seemed like she didn't let him.

″This happened,″ she mumbled, pulled something out of her pockets and threw it to him. As he didn't expect it, he only caught it narrowly. His heart started to race in his chest, he felt hot and cold at the same time and had to take a deep breath of air when he glanced at the small white stick in his hand that had a clear, pink plus in the middle of it...

″You're pregnant?″ Jay asked her with the softest of voices and kept his face focused on the confirmation in his hands.

″No. My neighbor is but I thought I show it to you anyway because you might be interested,″ Erin replied and her voice was more than sarcastic.

″Erin,″ he sighed, looked at her and held his hand up pacifying.

″Leave it Jay. Just leave it,″ she snapped.

″Maybe it's just false alarm. Sometimes these tests show a wrong result.″

″And so do the other five I took?″ she asked him with a bitter laughter, pulled another five sticks out of her pocket and threw them at him all at once. He caught one of them and the others fell to the floor with a dull sound. Jay rubbed his face with his hands and tried to sort his thoughts for a moment. He then picked the pregnancy tests up and saw the confirming pink plus on each of them.

He sat down on the couch, still trying to collect his mind, and placed the tests on the coffee table in front of him. Erin also sat down but left some space between them, distanced herself from him.

″How did that happen?″

″Uhm, let me think. Most likely during one of the nights or mornings or whenever else we made love, wouldn't you agree?″ she answered with a bitter laughter.

″That's not what I mean. You take birth control pills...″

″Yes I do. But for whatever reason they apparently stopped working.″

″How far along are you?″ he asked her but still looked at the tests that laid in front of him.

″Don't I know it,″ she shrugged.

″When did you find out?″

″I can't feel but feel like I'm in interrogation.″

″Erin,″ he said loudly and the sound of his voice let her slightly shiver.

″On the morning we left Wisconsin I had the first suspicion after...you know...I suddenly didn't feel well and had to throw up. That was when I started to think and I realized that my monthly friend hasn't visited me in a while...that I was late, like really late. I lied to you because I knew I looked awful and I wanted to be sure first. I took one test yesterday evening already after coming home, two this morning and the other three within one hour when I returned early from work.″

Jay looked at her and only nodded in response while Erin thought back to the morning her life had punched her in the gut once again.

″How about I make us some blueberry pancakes? Because I'm really hungry now,″ Jay murmured, still being a bit breathless, and kissed her lips softly.

″Damn good idea,″ Erin chuckled, stroking his cheek with her thumb and looking directly into his sparkling blue eyes. ″You need a hand?″

″No, I'll make us some breakfast and you can already start packing or take a shower,″ he winked.

″Or I just simply stay in this damn nice bed and enjoy to have it all for me,″ she laughed.

″Can't be as nice as when I'm with you,″ he grinned. ″But if you want, do it, we won't make it to Chicago before rush hour anyway, so we kinda have all the time in the world.″

″Awesome,″ she laughed and gave him another kiss before he got up.

″I'll call you when everything is ready,″ he said when he was already in the doorway.

″You better do,″ Erin said back in response with a cheeky grin on her lips and curled up deeper in her pillows as Jay left her alone. From her current position she had a perfect view through the big windows, saw the bright green leafs of the trees and how they swayed with the soft breeze. Heard the birds going crazy outside. God, she loved this place. Jay has been right when he had said that this was a great place to retire. And the thought of living with him here one day wasn't so much out of this world anymore. Actually, just imagining it made her heart beat a little faster. She sighed and then had to chuckle about herself. When did she become that kind of person? A person who thought about retirement that was around thirty years away? And most of all, a person who imagined to spend the rest of her life with one and the same person. Who wanted to be with this one person forever and always. Without a doubt, Jay Halstead has changed her. He has showed her that there were things in life that are worth fighting for. He was the one man she trusted with her life. The one man who made her feel like she was the only diamond in the world, the only star in the sky.

Yes, Erin Lindsay was head over heals in love with the guy who has named a lake after her. She still thought this was kind of crazy but at the same time she was still overpowered by this gesture of love.

″Lake Lindsay,″ she said to herself with a bright grin on her face and slightly shook her head while at the same time the sweet smell of blueberry pancakes came into the room. Surprisingly it didn't make her even more hungry but made her stomach turn within one second instead. She sat up in the bed, inhaled and exhaled deeply and tried to swallow the sudden upcoming feel of nausea down. But it didn't help at all. The feeling of sickness got even stronger and with one fast move she got out of the bed and ran to the bathroom before it was too late.

'Where the hell did that come from?!' Erin thought after she had vomitted into the toilet and cleaned her mouth at the sink. She looked into the mirror and then looked down to her hands that were firmed on the sink. Some minutes ago everything had been perfectly fine. She hadn't felt sick or anything. It had come out of a sudden, completely unexpected. She had felt great all morning, they had made love. They had made love. She lifted her head and looked into the mirror again as the scales fell from her eyes.

″No,″ she said and shook her head vehement. ″No,″ she whispered this time, still not being able to allow this thought to creep into her head, still trying to put the pieces together that only led to one conclusion. She tried to remember when her monthly friend has visited her for the last time only to realize that it's been a while, that she couldn't even really remember.

″No way. Please, please, please, this didn't happen,″ she told herself again, still shaking her head in disbelief and slowly walked back into the bedroom, grabbed her cell phone and opened her calendar app with trembling fingers. But it didn't bring the relieve she hoped for. She was late. Not only late. Really super late.

″Erin, breakfast is ready,″ Jay called up the stairs but she wasn't able to move. Time stood still while she tried to sort her thoughts. How could she have missed for WEEKS that she didn't have her period in a while? And much more important, how could all of this even have happened? Of course nothing was confirmed yet and she needed to take a pregnancy test first but deep inside she knew the result already.

″Erin!″ Jay called again.

″Yeah, keep cool,″ she yelled back, grabbed her phone and shuffled out of the bedroom and down the stairs.

″Erin you're not a bad person and a baby isn't a bad thing,″ Jay said softly as he remembered the words she'd said some minutes ago and his voice let Erin startle from her memories.

″Isn't it? Because for me it is, Jay.″

″Erin,″ he calmly said, moved closer to her and took her hand in his. ″I know this is huge for you. And I promise you, it's huge for me, too. But I'm here for you and we'll get it handled,″ Jay almost whispered, squeezed her hand and looked directly into her insecure hazel eyes.

″There's nothing to handle Jay,″ she answered and looked down to his hand that held her cold one tightly.

″What?″ he asked and his eyes widened.

″I already made an appointment for tomorrow afternoon,″ she shrugged.

Jay felt his heart dropping to his knees at the sound of her cold and uncaring voice.

″What appointment Erin?″ he dug deeper, waiting for her to speak the words out loud he knew that were coming.

″Don't act like you don't know what I mean. Just don't,″ she said and shook her head.

″I wanna hear you say it.″ His voice was rising but unbelievably hurt at the same time and he let her hand loose.

″Great, if you want it that way. I have an appointment for an abortion,″ she answered and her face didn't show any kind of emotion while he shivered when she spoke these words out loud.

″Erin,″ he said and had to swallow hard.

″Don't. We both know that this is not the right time for me to have a baby. And I doubt there will ever be a right time.″

″You're not alone on that Er. I'm here.″ His voice was suddenly low and soft again and she could see the fear and pain in his eyes. It broke her heart but she didn't have a choice. There was no way she was able to be a mother. Neither now nor ever.

″No Jay,″ she answered, shaking her head. ″I made my decision.″

″Shouldn't this be our decision Erin? Huh? Shouldn't this be our decision?″ he now almost shouted again as he wasn't able to control his anger and his pain any longer.

″This is my body and my life.″

″Really? Because I thought this is our life. And at least it's our baby after all. I'm also part of this.″

″What do you want me to do here Jay, huh?″

″I want us to talk about it Erin.″

″There's nothing to talk about Jay. And I'd honestly prefer to be alone now.″

″You gotta be kidding,″ Jay shook his head and a sarcastic laughter filled the tense atmosphere in her living room.

″Please Jay, go. You were never supposed to even find out about this,″ she quietly said. Jay stared at her in disbelief and for the first time ever he was disgusted by her.

″You wanted to abort our baby, my baby, without telling me about it and then go on like nothing has happened?!″

″If you put it this way, yeah. This is what would have been best.″

″Screw you Erin,″ he said with a voice that was hurt beyond limits, shook his head in disbelief over and over again and ran out of her apartment without looking at her again.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Back at his place, Jay vented his spleen on the punching bag for about 30 minutes. Afterwards, he took a cold shower and then went to the kitchen, grabbing a beer from the fridge and sat down on the couch, turning the TV on and trying to think about all the things that just have happened and how they would go on as a couple from now. Of course a baby wasn't on their agenda. Neither now, nor in the near future. Of course he wanted to have a family with her one day, wanted her to be the mother of his children but there were still a lot of things they had to work out before. During the past months they've given their relationship all the time it needed to develop on solid grounds, have never rushed anything and that would've been his plan for the future, too. Taking it slow and waiting for the next steps until both of them were actually ready for it. Enjoying the little things they had for a while before aiming for the bigger ones like marriage and starting a family. But aborting this baby because it came as unplanned and surprising as possible? This wasn't the right way. Now that it has happened and Erin was pregnant, he wanted this baby, he wanted them to have this baby, he wanted them to be a family. No matter how much their life would change, no matter how much they would rush things, no matter how many chapters of their life they would skip, no matter how challenging this was going to be.

He thought intensive about all of Erin's words for a little longer. That this wasn't the right time for her to have a baby. And maybe she was right with it. She was a barely recovered drug-addict who still ran away when life got tough, so most likely this wasn't the right time for adding a baby to the mix. Just some weeks ago she had told him that she wasn't even ready to move in with him so there was no way that she was mentally, emotionally or in any other way ready for having a baby. For being a mother. But her decision to kill that little soul that was half him and half her, that was growing inside of her, was something he didn't want her to do, was something that disgusted him. At least he wanted to talk with her about it. Talk about their options, talk about that being a family would not only be challenging but beautiful and telling her that he was there for her and the baby and that they could make it work. Together.

He of course knew Erin was overstrained with the situation and her unplanned pregnancy and made her decision based on her current feelings and emotions. Made her decision too fast and without thinking about the consequences. Made her decision without him. This was what hurt him most but actually it was just her normal reaction, so he shouldn't have been surprised. She ran away. Ran away from reality, ran away from problems and ran away from people who cared about her, ran away to deal with everything on her own. Once again. When especially this one thing was something she shouldn't decide alone. He tried not to think about what would happen to them, if Erin really was going to do that step but as much as he tried to convince himself that they could handle it and would somehow find a way to go on, he knew deep inside that killing their baby would kill their relationship...

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Jay wasn't able to sleep for one second that night. All the time he thought about his son or daughter that was growing inside of Erin's belly and would get killed in some short hours. Just thinking about it let his stomach turn and he even had to vomit several times throughout the night. When he looked in the mirror the following morning, the guy in there looked more dead than alive. He took another cold shower and afterwards felt good enough to pour a cup of black coffee down.

On the way to the district he was so distracted, he almost caused an accident and was only able to avoid a crash in the very last second. He pulled his car over to the side of the street, turned the engine off and inhaled deeply for a few times. If he would keep being that distracted throughout the day, he would most likely end in the ICU of Chicago Med by the evening.

When he pulled out to the street again some minutes later he has made a decision: he would talk to her again. Matter-of-fact. Would ask her for her reasons and would tell her that he wanted them to have this baby.

After arriving in the bullpen fifteen minutes later he felt like luck was on his side as Erin was in the break room, alone, making herself a cup of coffee. Despite Antonio and Mouse, no one was there already anyway. He greeted them and directly walked into the break room, closing the door from the inside. Erin startled and turned around and the second Jay saw her pale face and her red eyes, he knew she hasn't slept for one minute either and had instead cried all night.

″What are you doing here already?″ he asked her and Erin was surprised about the softness of his voice. After last night she didn't expect him to be cool and calm.

″Couldn't sleep,″ she mumbled and sipped on her coffee.

″Me neither,″ Jay admitted while making himself a cup of coffee, too. ″I'm sorry about yesterday evening. For yelling at you and for the things I said...″

″I know,″ she only replied.

″We need to talk, Erin.″

″Jay, I told you yesterday already: there's nothing to talk about,″ she said quietly and kept her gaze focused on the mug in her hands.

″There's a lot to talk about Erin. What if I tell you I want us to have this baby?″ he asked her without dancing around what needed to be said any longer.

″This decision is not on you, Jay. I'm sorry.″

″Erin, what if I tell you I want us to have this baby?″ he asked her again, a lot more emphatic this time but still quiet enough that no one else could here them.

″Nothing would change, Jay. This is not about what you want. It's about what I want because it's my body and my life.″

″Erin, can you please for one second imagine us being a family? Can you please for one second stop thinking about killing our son or daughter who is growing under your heart but imagine us having this baby? Because that's what I do. Because I know we can make it work. Because I want us to have this baby, Erin. I want us to be a family,″ he said and with every word that escaped from his lips he came a little closer to her so that he now stood right in front of her.

″Don't do this to yourself,″ she answered and shook her head. ″Don't imagine things in your head that will never happen. We're not going to have this baby and we're not going to be a family. And I'm sorry if I have to break it to you like this but if you want to have a family and kids then I'm not the right person for it and you better look for someone else,″ she said, but as strong as she tried to be, her voice broke anyway towards the end.

″Erin I don't want anyone but you, don't you realize that by now?″ he asked her quietly and brought his hand up to her face.

″Then you have to accept my decision. I can't be a mother, Jay. I can't.″

″You can. Just two weeks you were so amazing with Noah. You're amazing with kids every day. And I'm here Erin and I promise I always will be. We will make this work.″

″No, we won't,″ she answered, shook her head and went some steps back from him.

″Is this your last word?″ Jay asked her and the pain in his voice and his eyes almost broke her heart once again.

″It is,″ she nodded in response. ″I want you to know that I love you Jay. And that I haven't laughed so much or felt so good as in the last months in a very long time, never have to be honest. But you don't have to accept my decision and if you can't live with it, I'll give you free to find someone who can give you all the things you want.″

Jay looked at her for one last time, saw how her eyes were filled with tears she didn't let fall, then shook his head, turned around and left her alone in the break room. He went straight down the stairs and inhaled some deep breaths of the fresh summer air when he was outside of the precinct. He swallowed down the lump in his throat and when he felt at least a little calmer again, he went back inside to start working on a day that was for sure one of the most difficult ones in his life.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Jay didn't even try to talk to Erin again throughout the day and as she already left in the early afternoon, telling everyone she had another appointment at the doctor due to the pneumonia she had some weeks ago, he was partnered up with Antonio anyway. Only thinking about the fact that Erin was now at her gynecologist, killing their baby, made his heart ache, but he tried his best to act normal in front of his team mate. They were even able to already close the case by the early evening and Hank sent them all home early but Jay voluntered to inform the victim's husband that they've found her killer.

He was in the locker room, changing his shirt and shoes, when Antonio joined him.

″Is everything okay with you?″ he asked his younger friend.

″Yeah, sure,″ Jay answered, slipping into his shirt.

″Sure?″ Antonio echoed and raised his eyebrows.

″Antonio, I'm good, okay? But thanks for asking,″ he said, giving his colleague a pat on his shoulder.

″The thing is, you don't look like you're okay or good or anything, Jay. I don't think I've ever seen you like today before.″

″It's complicated,″ Jay sighed.

″You wanna talk about it?″

″No. Not now at least.″

″Okay,″ Antonio answered. ″But if you want to talk somewhen, I'm around brother.″

″Thank you. Really,″ Jay said and forced a smile.

″You want me to join you with informing Mr. Carter?″

″No, you don't have to. Didn't you say Diego and Eva are in town this week? You should enjoy your early quitting time with them.″

″Okay. They talked me into skating, so I guess I have no excuse for not doing it now,″ he laughed.

″Don't break yourself anything,″ Jay also laughed and gave Antonio another pat on the back.

″Will try my best,″ he answered as he walked past him.

″You better do. Enjoy it.″

″I will, thanks,″ Antonio grinned and left the younger detective alone in the locker room. The moment Jay was alone again, the forced smile fell from his face. He grabbed the keys of the 300, walked out of the precinct, sat into the car and made his way to Mr. Carter's house to inform the old man that his wife's killer was now where he belonged.

Half an hour later, he stood in front of the nice little house and knocked on the door. It took some moments, but then the old man opened the door.

″Detective...Halstead, right?″ he greeted him.

″Right. Mr. Carter, may I come in? I have some good news for you.″

″Of course, of course,″ he said and let him into his house. ″Sit down already,″ he told Jay and went to the kitchen. Some minutes later her came back with a plate full of cookies and a cup of coffee.

″Thank you,″ Jay said as he placed the coffee in front of him.

″You look like you need it,″ Mr. Carter said and Jay felt how he scanned him.

″Uhm, yeah, maybe,″ he answered and tried to smile.

″Where's your beautiful partner today?″

″She...had...to do some other stuff,″ he said. ″Mr. Carter, I'm here because I wanted to tell you that we got your wife's murderer,″ Jay explained.

″Did you?″ the old man asked and Jay could see tears forming in his eyes behind his glasses.

″Yes, we have. And he will never see the daylight again.″

″Thank you,″ he mumbled and grabbed for Jay's hand while tears slid down his face. ″Thank you detective.″

″It's our job,″ Jay said and also touched the old man's hand while explaining him why his wife was murdered and how the grandson of her complice from 45 years ago had found out about the doings of his grandfather and Mrs. Carter and now wanted to have part of the money and had simply shot her in the head as she didn't gave him what he wanted as she didn't even have the money anymore. Because she had somewhen regretted the things she had done and had turned herself in at one point, giving all the money back to its belongers.

″I'm sorry that she had to die like this,″ Jay said at the end.

″I was always afraid that something like this would happen one day. Because your past never forgets. But we had a good life and she died knowing I loved her. And that's most important for me.″

Jay only nodded in response and then got up from his chair to make himself ready for leaving.

″Detective,″ Mr. Carter said as he shook hands with Jay for saying goodbye. ″I don't want to be rude, but you don't look too good today. Is everything okay with you?″

″No,″ Jay sighed, being surprised by his honesty towards the old man. ″Not by a long shot.″

″Do you want to talk about it?″

″It's just...my girlfriend made a decision that I'm not okay with. That I don't understand.″

″Your girlfriend is your partner you've been here with yesterday, right?″

″How do you know?″

″I'm quite good with these kind of things,″ Mr. Carter smiled. ″Detective, I don't know what's going on in your life and it's none of my business and I also don't know whether you want to hear my advice, but let me tell you one thing. In our early years, when we haven't even been married, my wife made a lot of decisions I wasn't okay with. A lot of decisions I didn't understand. But I've always accepted them. I supported her with every decision she made because she always had her reasons although I didn't always know them or she didn't always exactly tell them. I was there for her because in the end of the day I loved her and that was all that mattered to me. She was the love of my life and all she needed to know was that I was there for her whenever she needed me, that she could rely on me no matter what and that I would never judge her for the decisions she made. Of course it affected our together life but the decisions she made were important for her very own life and so they were important for me. We don't always understand the things other people do, Detective, but we don't always have to. Sometimes all we need to do is accepting it no matter how hard it is. Because in the end, these are the situations where our partners need us most and where we can show that we really, truly love them.″

Jay looked at the old man, who gave him a warm and smiling glance, and let his words sink in for a minute.

″I think...I have to think about this,″ he then spluttered.

″Of course, think about it and then make the right decision for yourself,″ the old man winked.

″Uhm...I guess...thank you.″

″No Detective, I have to thank you. For everything you and your team members did to catch my wife's murderer. Now she can rest in peace.″

″I wish you all the best, Mr. Carter,″ Jay said and shook his hand yet again.

″That's what I wish you, too, Detective Halstead,″ he answered and gave Jay another smile before he turned around and left the old widower alone to directly drive to this one place where he needed to be now.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

During the drive to Erin's place, he tried to call her several times but she never picked up. When he finally arrived at her apartment, he knocked on the door a few times but as nobody opened, he pulled his keys out of his pocket and opened the door.

″Erin?″ he called, but no one answered. He checked out every room only to realize that she wasn't there. He left her apartment again and sat down in his car in front of the building, thinking where she could be, to which place she would go if she wanted to be alone. It took him only some seconds to figure out where she was. He pulled out on the street and drove directly into the direction of Grant Park.

Some fifteen minutes later he walked through the park towards their favorite spot and saw her sitting there already from afar. He took some deep breaths of air and then walked straight to the woman who was leaning against the big tree trunk and was watching the sailing boats on the water. Erin turned her head around when she saw a shadow coming closer and looked quite surprised when her gaze met the one of Jay.

″How did you know I was here?″ she asked him and pulled the headphones out of her ears.

″Where else would you be?″ he asked her in response.

″Anywhere,″ she shrugged and turned her head to the boats and the water again. ″What are you doing her though?″

″I wanted to talk to you.″

″Jay..-″ Erin started but he interrupted her immediately as there were some things in his mind and on his heart he wanted to tell her so badly right now.

″No. Erin, listen. I don't want to reduce our relationship to this one decision. You did what you had to do. But I want to be a part of your life nonetheless. Because I love you. You did what was the right thing for you to do and I accept that and I want us to be together anyway. You're my life Erin and you always will be. With or without kids,″ he said, sat down right next to her and took her hand in his. He saw tears sliding down her cheeks and she inhaled and exhaled deeply some times and then turned her head around to him so her tear-stained eyes met his. She wiped her tears away with the hand Jay wasn't holding before she spoke out the words that were going to change their life forever.

″I didn't do it,″ she said with barely no voice. ″I couldn't. Not again...″

As always, reviews are appreciated as I like to know what you think. Thanks! :)