1 The dorky mage - me

Calling me a gaming addict would not be truthful.

I wasn't addicted at all. At least not long enough to call it a long term addiction.

My addictions always lasted weeks, - months, - at most, but never longer.

This was at least the case until I played my first VR game. I not only loved how real it felt but the thrill as well. Though I am easily scared by the idea of fighting or exploring in the real world, in those games I could be anyone and do anything and would be perfectly fine.

So let's say, VR games are at fault for turning me into a long term addict. At first it was just one hour every few evenings when I got off work. Then, I invested more time, spending less time with family, friends and colleagues. I went on by reducing the time that I slept, ate and even rested.

My workhours felt impossibly long when I just wanted to play on. It was like the real world was inside that game and the reality that I knew until then was nothing but a measly lie to cover up the beauty, excitement and the adventures I could experience in those games.

But just that you don't get a false impression. I sucked at games.

And when I said sucked, I mean I'm a dimwit unable to improve at all. I have a favorite style I chose for my avatars in most of the games: Mage. Meaty. High Damage. High HP & MP regeneration.

This names all. My characters weren't balanced and I was like the jack of all trades, god at nothing, so in short, I always sucked.

Parties shunned me after a few raids or kicked me out after one adventure. My friend list was made of two people, - one wasn't online for months so this player didn't end the friendship and the other one was a noob worse than me.

The question that remains would be either why I wasn't improving or why I wasn't quitting gaming if I was as bad as I claimed.

One answer would be that I loved those worlds, the feeling of being free to do anything I desired safely and wasn't bound by the rules of our society.

But another would be that I forget to live outside the game. I forgot how it was to regularly meet people. Since gaming began to erase my other hobbies I started to feel awkward talking to both strangers and my family. It was pathetic but I didn't know how to break this circle, change this life I chose. It was far too hard and impossible to welcome change if I didn't even know how to start. I had become unmoving, unchanging. I let the days fly by and didn't care for all the time that had passed. It was fine, I didn't care and just let my anxiety and problems be dissolved in the neverending challenges and scenery. Between quests, monsters and the wide and far blue sky, my concerns seemed small, insignificant.

Some would call me trash, an addict or even unfilial and mad for letting slip my life like this. For just taking a step back and closing my eyes to reality.

But people who would have told me this weren't calling anymore, too often their calls were ignored and they didn't even try visiting me anymore. I was happy like this. Fully relaxed, had nothing to worry about. Maybe except one thing:

My favorite game, 'Cerulean Skies - Mysteries of Falan', a gigantic MMORPG.

This wasn't my first VR game, but as always, I sucked.

One of my favorite kinds of ways to play was the meaty mage-type with high damage and favorably both high MP and HP regeneration.

But in this game, while I tried to create this type of Avatar, l had no luck. As I always had no luck.

Not only was this game way too hard, it was also almost impossible to level up like this and I died countless times. My level remained low and because I wasn't that good at control and working in a team, I found lesser and lesser parties willing to work with me.

It could have been just boring. I had little to no chance to grow further, the painfully low possibilities of my potential laid in front of me like this. Still, I loved playing this game too much and kept on playing anyway. The landscapes let me feel a sense of longing and the monsters and animals looked so lifelike that one couldn't discern a difference between a fantastical creature and an animal living in the real world. This game, no, - this world - made me feel alive, like nothing ever before. It was like waking up from a long dream and finally perceiving reality. Only that the real world was the dream and this game the true world.

If I hadn't been isolating myself and cut out any human relation, maybe I could have talked with other people about this feeling. But I was alone. Alone and had no chance to change myself.

Keeping these mundane thoughts in my mind. Further falling into an abyss I couldn't define. I only knew I was falling. That I maybe would break or even perish if I ever hit the ground.