Chapter 3 The one with the Thumb

Chapter 3 The one with the Thumb

Like every other day, today also everyone was hanging around the central perk café. Today except for Phoebe, apparently she went on a date today.

Phoebe comes back from an unsuccessful date.

Phoebe: (entering) Hi guys!

We All: Hey, Pheebs! Hi!

Ross: Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go?

Ryan: Ya! Tell us.

Phoebe: Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said, 'We should do this again!'

We All: Ohh. Ouch.

which prompts the gang to discuss dating euphemisms.

Rachel: *Confused* What? He said, 'we should do it again', that's good, right?

Monica: Uh, no. Loosely translated 'We should do this again' means 'You will never see me naked'.

Rachel: Since when?

Ryan: Since Always. Oh! Refill please (Rachel was carrying the coffee pot and, she works here.

Joey: Yeah. It's like dating language. Y'know, like 'It's not you' means 'It is you'.

Chandler: Or 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you'.

Phoebe: Or, or you know, um, 'I think we should see other people' means 'Ha, ha, I already am'.

Ryan: or 'I'm not into guys.' means 'I am into guys but just not you' or 'I need to focus on myself right now.' means 'I lost interest in you' or 'I would rather focus on other than you'.

Rachel: And everybody knows this?

Ryan: First things I learned when I reach puberty.

Joey: Yeah. Cushions the blow.

Chandler: Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm.

Ross: That's funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm.

Monica: Uh, Ross?.

Ryan: What? You didn't know?

Ross: What? Wh- hello? The Millners' farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and it was- it w- .....Oh my God, Chi Chi!

Ross reveals that he did not know our parents hid the fact that his dog had passed away.

Afternoon at Joey and Chandler's Palace, Joey has a part in a play where he must smoke. Joey asked Chandler and me to help him with that, Chandler is helping Joey rehearse for a part, while I sit as an audience and give feedback.

Chandler acting in a part: "So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?"

Joey practicing for his role: "Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. But you'll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die."

Chandler: Hey, that was really good!

Ryan: Yeah, I could feel the emotion in your acting.

Joey: Thanks! Let's keep going.

Chandler: Okay. "So. What do you want from me, Dimone, huh?"

Joey: "I just wanna go back to my cell. 'Cause in my cell, I can smoke."

Chandler: "Smoke away."

Then after Joey takes out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He fumbles and drops the lighter. Then he picks it up and lights a cigarette, takes a drag, and coughs.

Chandler: "I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone."

Joey: "What?"

Chandler: "Relax your hand! Let you wrist go." (Joey lets his wrist go limp.)

Chandler: "Not so much!"

Joey: "Whoah!"

Chandler: "Hey!"

Ryan: "Whoah!"

Joey: "Hey!"

Chandler: "All right, now try taking a puff." (Joey tries and visibly winces.)

Chandler: All right... okay. No. Give it to me.

Ryan: No dude, don't give him.

Joey: No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette.

Chandler: It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here. (Joey reluctantly gives him the cigarette.)

Chandler: Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete.

Joey: Y'miss it?

Ryan: Dude, it's a bad idea, I tell you.

Chandler: Nah, not so much. All right, now we smoke. (Takes a puff.) Oh... my… God. (He continues to smoke.)

Ryan: "Ok, it's enough now. Joey gets it, you don't need to finish all."

I took the cigarette from his hand and threw it in the dustbin. and after practicing smoking with Chandler, who resumes his old smoking habit, much to the group's irritation.

Again, at the late afternoon Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe and Rachel is there.

Monica: "No, no, no. They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb… to the tip of his index finger."

(We guys stretch out our fingers.)

Joey: "That's ridiculous!"

Ross: "Can I use… either thumb?"

Ryan: "How do you even know about this?"

Soon Rachel comes (carrying a tray of drinks): All right, don't tell me, don't tell me! (Starts handing them out to us.) Decaf cappuccino for Joey... Coffee black Ross, Milked Coffee…Ryan. Late…Chandler And an iced tea. I'm getting pretty good at this!

All: "Yeah". "Yeah", "excellent." "Yup"

Rachel: (leaving to serve others) Good for me!

The gang except me swaps all the drinks for what they ordered as Phoebe enters. She sits down without saying hi. Apparently, Phoebe becomes very agitated with her bank when they accidentally put an extra $500 in her bank account. Not able to use the money due to guilt,

Ryan: "At least she got my order right."

Phoebe sat in the middle of a sofa.

Joey: You okay, Phoebe?

Phoebe: "Yeah- no- I'm just- it's, I haven't worked- It's my bank."

Monica: "What did they do to you?"

Ryan: "Did they charge you for something or such?"

Phoebe: "It's nothing, it's just- Okay. I'm going through my mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT-"

Ross: "Easy."

Phoebe: "- and there are five hundred extra dollars in my account."

Chandler: "Oh, Satan's minions at work again..." saying he walked off to the bathroom.

Ryan: "Because that is Bad, Why?"

Phoebe: "Yes, 'cause now I must go down there, and deal with them."

Joey: "What are you talking about? Keep it!"

Ryan: "Yeah, Finder's keepers and in your case, getter gets, Ha."

Phoebe: "But It's not mine, I didn't earn it, if I kept it, it would be like stealing."

Rachel: "Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!"

Phoebe: "Okay. Okay, let's say I bought a great pair of shoes. Do you know what I'd hear, with every step I took? 'Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.' And even if I was happy, okay, and, and skipping- 'Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine'..."

Monica: "We're with you. We got it."

Chandler, who came back from the bathroom and sat near the sofa but still a little far, leans over the back of the couch out of sight.

Phoebe: "Okay. I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this giant karmic debt."

Rachel: "Chandler, what are you doing?". Rachel getting distracted by chandler ask him.

Monica: "(pulling him up) Hey. What are you doing?"

Chandler tries to shrug nonchalantly but eventually; he has to exhale a mouthful of smoke.

All: "Oh! Oh, God!"

Ryan: "Dude, not again."

Ross: "What is this?!"

Chandler: "I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking."

Phoebe: "Oh, I can't believe you! You've been so good, for three years!"

Chandler: "And this- is my reward!"

Ross: "Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit."

Chandler: Okay, so this time I won't quit!

All: "Ohhh! Put it out!"

Ryan: "Dude, that is bad for you. Put it out."

Chandler: "All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out." (He drops it in Phoebe's coffee.)

Phoebe: "Oh, no! I- I can't drink this now!"

Monica: "All right. I'm gonna go change, I've got a date."

Rachel: "This Alan again? How's it goin'?"

Monica: "It's going well, y'know? It's nice, and, we're having fun."

Joey: "So, when do we get to meet the guy?"

Ryan: "I want to see if he's good for you or not?"

Monica: "Ok, Let's see, today's Monday...So, never."

All: "Oh, come on! Come on!"

Monica: "No. Not after what happened with Steve."

Ryan: "Ah, that guy. He was Weak. When I tried to toughen him, he cried for his Mommy, Ha, ha. That was funny,"

Chandler: "Yeah, What are you talking about? *Lisping* We love S-chh-teve! S-chh-teve was s-chh-exy!.. *Normal* Sorry."

Monica: "Look, I don't even know how I feel about him yet. Just give me a chance to figure that out."

Rachel: "Well, then can we meet him?"

Monica: "Nope. *Lisping* S-chh-orry." And went out of the café for her date.

Monica is reluctant to introduce her new boyfriend, Alan, to us because previously we have kind of mocked all of her previous boyfriends.

Later evening at Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is smoking out on the balcony, because of Monica's rules no smokes inside the house. and Phoebe is absent. Ross, Joey, and Me sitting on a sofa.

Joey: "Let it go, Ross." While eating a pie.

Ryan: "Hum, yeah, Ross. It was a long time ago. I don't even remember it anymore. Anyway, eat some pie, it's good."

Ross: "Yeah, well, you didn't know Chi Chi. And Ryan you didn't even like him."

Monica: "Do you all promise?".

She wants us to behave, in front of her stupid boyfriend.

All: "Yeah! We promise! We'll be good!"

Monica: "(shouts to Chandler at the balcony) Chandler? Do you promise to be good?"

Chandler makes a 'Cross my heart' sign. It starts to rain, and he taps on the window. Asking us to bring him an umbrella.

Joey: "You can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside!"

Ryan: yeah, what he said!"

Chandler sulkily picks up a garbage can lid and uses it as an umbrella.

Phoebe enters, walks to the couch, sits down, and begins to read a letter without saying hi.

Ryan: Yo, Pheebs. You Ok?"

Ross: "Hey, Pheebs."

Phoebe: "Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this- Searches in her purse -football phone as our gift.' Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone!".

Rachel: "What bank is this?".

(The intercom buzzes.)

Monica: Hey. "It's him. (On the intercom) Who is it?"

Alan: "(on the intercom) It's Alan."

Joey: "(shouting to Chandler) Chandler! He's here!"

Chandler comes in, dripping wet from head to toe.

Monica: "(to all) Okay, please be good, please. Just remember how much you all like me."

(She went to open the door and Alan enters.)

Monica: "Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan."

Alan: "Hi."

All: """"Hi, Alan.""""

Alan: "I've heard *Lisping* s-chh-o much about all you guys-chh!"

(Everyone laughs.)

[Time passed as soon as it came, Alan is also leaving.]

Monica: "(to Alan) Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow. (Alan exits, to all) Okay. Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin. Who's gonna take the first shot, hmm?"

(...Silence.)

Monica: "C'mon!"

Ross: "...I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept picking at- no, I'm sorry, I can't do this, can't do this. We loved him."

All: "Loved him! Yeah! He's great!"

Ryan: "Yeah, he is good enough to date you."

Monica: "Wait a minute! We're talking about someone that I'm going out with?"

All: """"Yeah!""""

Rachel: "And did you notice...? (She spreads her thumb and index finger.)"

The Guys: "(reluctantly) Yeah."

Joey: "Know what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked."

Phoebe: "Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe!"

Ryan: "What?"

Ross: "...What shoe?"

Phoebe: "From the nursery rhyme. 'There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...'"

(Dubious pause from all.)

Ross: "...So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured."

Ryan: "Ha! Not a bad idea. He like a measuring tape, measure both cloth and human alike".

Rachel: "What future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I think this could be, y'know, 'it'."

Monica: "Really!"

Chandler: "Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhof impression alone. You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right? (Does the impression)"

Ross: "You know what I like most about him, though?"

All: """" What?""""

Ross: "The way he makes me feel about myself."

All: """ Yeah..."""

Ryan: "Well, agree to disagree."

The next day, Morning at the Central Perk, Monica is alone as Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Ryan, and Joey enter dejectedly in softball gear.

Monica: "Hi.. how was the game?"

Ryan: "It was something"

Ross: "Well..."

All: ""WE WON!! Thank you! Yes!""

Monica: "Fantastic! I have one question: How is that possible?"

Joey: Alan.

Ryan: "Well, I was also there but I have to agree, Alan as well."

Ross: "He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs it was first base-Alan, second base-Alan, third base-..."

Rachel: "I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team.

Chandler: "Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic jewelers a thing or two about softball..." Chandler High fived afterward.

Monica: "I ask you guys a question? D'you ever think that Alan is maybe... sometimes..."

Ross: "What?"

Monica: "..I dunno, a little too Alan?"

Ryan: "but Alan is Alan, right?"

Rachel: "Well, no. That's impossible. You can never be too Alan."

Ross: "Yeah, it's his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-that-that we adore."

Chandler: "I personally could have a gallon of Alan."

Late Afternoon at the Central Perk, Phoebe is telling everyone about her discovery. And I tell you she finds weird stuff. Today is…

Ross: "A thumb?!"

(Phoebe nods.)

Ryan: "A Real Human One?"

(Phoebe nods again.)

All: """"Eww!""""

Phoebe: "I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitchhiker!

Chandler: "Well, maybe it's a contest, y'know? Like, collect all five?"

Phoebe: "Does, um, anyone wanna see?"

All: "Nooo!"

(Chandler lights a cigarette.)

All: "Oh," "hey," "don't do that!" "Cut it out!"

Rachel: "It's worse than the thumb!"

Ryan: "Yeah, dude. You could die instead of just losing a thumb."

Chandler: "Hey, this is so unfair!.

Monica: "Oh, why is it unfair?"

Ryan: "Life is not a game, dude"

Chandler: "So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? And Ryan, with his lip licking? And Ross, with his over pronouncing every single word? And Monica, with that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? ...I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this?

(An awkward silence ensues.)

Joey: "...Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody?"

Rachel: "Well, I-I could live without it."

Joey: "Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair?"

(Phoebe spits out her hair.)

Ross: "Oh, now, don't listen to him, Pheebs, I think it's endearing."

Joey: "Oh, (Imitating Ross) "you do, do you"?"

(Monica laughs and snorts.)

Ross: "You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly."

Rachel: ""Indeed there isn't"... I should really get back to work."

Phoebe: "Yeah, 'cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered."

Rachel: "Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on."

They degenerate into bickering and Chandler happily starts to smoke, undisturbed. "Well played Chandler, well played indeed."

Early evening at Cental Perk, Ryan, Joey and Ross are persecuting Chandler about his smoking.

Joey: "Do you have any respect for your body?

Ross: "Don't you realize what you're-you're doing to yourself?"

Ryan: "Dude, it's bad for you."

Chandler: "Hey, y'know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it."

Rachel: "(holding the phone out to Chandler) Chandler? It's Alan, he wants to speak to you."

Chandler: "Really? He does? (taking the phone) Hey, buddy, what's up! Oh, she told you about that, huh. Well, yeah, I have one now and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it's not that big- ..well, that's true,.. Gee, y'know, no-one- no-one's ever put it like that before. Well, okay, thanks! (He hands the phone back and stubs out his cigarette.)"

Rachel: "(to Ross, who has wandered up) God, he's good."

Ross: "If only he were a woman."

Rachel: "Yeah."

In the late evening at Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Monica and Joey is watching Lambchop.

Chandler: "Ooh, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years, it'd be talking too."

Ross: "Okay. I think it's time to change somebody's nicotine patch. (Does so.)"

Monica: "(entering) Hey. Where's Joey?"

Chandler: "Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?"

Rachel: "I think he's across the hall."

Monica: "Thanks. (Goes to fetch him.)"

Ross: "(finishing changing Chandler's nicotine patch) There y'go."

Chandler: "(deadpan) Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now."

Ross: "Hey Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart?.. Pheebs?"

Phoebe: "Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart?"

Ross: "Hey, I might!"

Phoebe: "Sorry. ..Y'know, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars for the thumb."

All: "You're kidding. Oh my God."

Phoebe: "And on my way over here, I stepped in gum. ...What is up with the universe?!"

Ryan: "SO no the same thing."

Joey: "(dragged in by Monica, he has just gotten out of the shower) What's going on?"

Monica: "Nothing. I just think it's nice when we're all here together."

Joey: "Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear."

Rachel: "Uh, Joey.."

Joey: "Oh, God! (Hurriedly closes his legs.)"

Monica: "(turns off the TV) Okay.."

All: "Oh! That was Lambchop!"

Monica: "Please, guys, we have to talk."

Phoebe: "Wait, wait, I'm getting a deja vu...no, I'm not."

Monica: "All right, we have to talk."

Phoebe: "There it is!"

Monica: Okay. It's-it's about Alan. There's something that you should know. I mean, there's really no easy way to say this.. uh.. I've decided to break up with Alan.

(We all gasp and clutch each other.)

Ross: Is there somebody else?

Ryan: "how in the hell, you could get greater than him?"

Monica: "No, nononono.. it's just.. things change. People change."

Rachel: "We didn't change.."

Joey: "So that's it? It's over? Just like that?"

Ryan: "Lasted Longer than that Steve guy,"

Phoebe: "You know.. you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and I just- I- (starts chewing her hair)"

Monica: "Look, I- I could go on pretending-"

Joey: "Okay!"

Monica: "-but that wouldn't be fair to me, it wouldn't be fair to Alan- It wouldn't be fair to you!"

Ross: "Who-who wants fair? Y'know, I just want things back. Y'know, the way they were."

Monica: "I'm sorry…"

Chandler: "(sarcastic) Oh, she's sorry! I feel better!"

Rachel: "(tearful) I just can't believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming up- I wanted him to meet my family-"

Monica: "I'll meet someone else. There'll be other Alans."

All: "Oh, yeah! Right!"

Monica: "Are you guys gonna be okay?"

Ryan: "Yeah, I will be fine after I hook up with a girl tonight."

Ross: "Hey hey, we'll be fine. We're just gonna need a little time."

Monica: "(dubious) I understand."

Monica was reluctant to introduce her new boyfriend, Alan, to us because we have mocked all her previous boyfriends, but to her surprise, after meeting Alan, we tell her that we love him.

However, she later realizes that she does not feel a spark between Alan and herself. She asks her friends if they think that he can sometimes be a little "too Alan".

The two break up, and Alan mentions that although he enjoyed being with Monica, he was irritated by the rest of her friends. Not including me of course, as I was as cool as cucumber.

Around the hour before midnight at Monica and Rachel's, everyone is mopping around and eating ice cream.

Rachel: "Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats?.. That was fun."

Ross: "Yeah. He could row like a Viking.

Ryan: "Hey I could too but ya he was like a Viking,"

Monica: "(entering) Hi."

All: """"Mmm."'""

Ross: "So how'd it go?"

Monica: "Oh, y'know.."

Phoebe: "Did he mention us?"

Monica: "He said he's really gonna miss you guys. (dubious look)"

Ross: "You had a rough day, huh.. c'mere. (She sits down and Ross strokes her forehead.)"

Chandler: " ...That's it. I'm getting cigarettes."

All: """"No no no!""""

Chandler: "(leaving) I don't care, I don't care! The game's over! I'm weak! I've gotta smoke! I've gotta have the smoke!"

Phoebe: "(shouting as he leaves) If you never smoke again I'll give you seven thousand dollars!"

Chandler: "(returns) Yeah, all right."

The ended with Phoebe giving the $7,000 to Chandler after he promises to never smoke again, which he agrees to and does as well.

AN: I will start to write in this format because it became easier to write and a little faster.