753. Chapter 753

After At Close Range

Episode 7.18

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: If you look closely, you'll see I don't own Castle. Rating: K Time: See above.

On a dreary, foggy London afternoon, just as the lamplighters were starting their rounds, a Hansom cab pulled up in front of 221A Baker Street and a figure leapt out, threw the cabbie a few coins and rushed up the stairs. Once inside, Mrs. Victoria Hudson led him into the presence of Kate Holmes, the famous consulting detective, and her paramour and biographer, Dr. Rick Watson.

"Miss Holmes," the man began, "I'm afraid we need you at…."

"The Yard, of course, Detective Inspector Demming. It'll be about the murder of Lady Meredith Rownd-Heells and the wounding of Sir Algernon Hardly-Worthit, MP."

"How did you know?" Demming gasped. "It only happened a bit over an hour ago."

"I have my ways." Kate Holmes said with a smile. As she spoke, a carrier pigeon flew in the window and landed before her. She detached the message from the bird's leg. "Dear me. It seems that I erred in calling you Detective Inspector Demming."

Demming blushed furiously. "I've been reduced to Probationary Constable."

"What was it, Demming?" Dr. Watson asked. "The way you bollixed up the case of the Dolley-Parton plans? The mess you made with the puppy of the Baskervilles? The so called Wessex zombie?"

"No, it seems that Demming was found having illicit relations with Miss Jacinda Stone-Fox, the daughter of the head of Scotland Yard, Sir Mortimer Stone-Fox." Kate said dryly.

"What?" Cried Dr. Watson. "You got old "Immediate Occupancy" Jacinda?" Dr. Watson realized that he might have made a mistake in mentioning Jacinda to his wife. He at once looked about him as innocently as he could. "Aren't the walls perpendicular tonight?" He said, trying desperately to change the subject.

Kate glared at her husband. Then, "Quick, Watson. And you, good yeoman, Whose limbs were made in England, show us here The mettle of your pasture; let us swear That you are worth your breeding; which I doubt not; For there is none of you so mean and base, That hath not noble lustre in your eyes. I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips, Straining upon the start. The game's afoot."

Dr. Watson frowned slightly. "Don't you think that's a bit long, my dear? Could you not reduce that a bit? Perhaps say, "Head 'em up and move 'em out?" Or "Let's boogie?"

"I'll think about it." Said Kate Holmes.

The trio at once headed for the Richard III Hotel, the scene of the crime. Demming explained what had happened. "It appears that the assassin stood over there and fired three shots from a Webley revolver at Sir Algernon. One shot took off his wig and the other two accidentally hit Lady Meredith in the back of her head, killing her instantly."

Kate quickly looked over the crime scene and then nodded. "Impossible. That's not what happened at all."

"Impossible?" Cried Demming. "The finest minds in Scotland Yard worked up that scenario. It can't be wrong."

"Who are these "finest minds"?" Asked Kate.

Demming walked to a door and opened it to show an infinite number of monkeys typing away at an infinite number of typewriters. In a bit more than another century the descendants of these monkeys would write scripts for the eighth season of an American police procedural.

"Since Sir Algernon was much shorter than Lady Meredith, his eyes would have been level with…her breasts. So the first two shots hit her in the head and when she fell the third shot took of his wig."

"Remarkable, Holmes." Said Dr. Watson.

"And I'm tall."

"But who would want to kill Lady Meredith?" Demming asked, mystified.

"Perhaps if we examine the effects of the deceased?" Holmes suggested.

Demming produced a small cardboard box containing Lady Meredith's personal possessions.

"What do we have here?" Said Kate, taking a letter from the box. She then read the letter.

"My Dear Lady Meredith,

If you don't stop sleeping with my husband, I will kill you by firing two bullets into the back of your head."

"Dash it." Cried Demming. "The letter is unsigned. It could be from anyone."

Kate rolled her eyes. "I would imagine it would be from his wife?" She suggested.

"Brilliant." Said Watson.

"And I do this thing with ice cubes." Added Holmes.

The three went to the suite where Lady Gina Hardly-Worthit had been staying with her husband.

"Do you recognize this letter?" Kate asked, handing the letter to Lady Gina.

"No, not at all."

"Can you tell me where you were at 3:12 PM when Lady Meredith was shot?"

"I was right here in this room."

"Can anyone corroborate your alibi?" Kate asked.

"Just the people hiding in the closet."

Kate walked to the closet and opened it, allowing a number of partially dressed people to emerge.

"Three members of the Scotland Yard's Flying Squad, the corps de ballet of the Ballets Ruse, a lion tamer and lion, two members of the House of Lords, a colonel of the French Foreign Legion on his way to Fort Zinderneuf, two American bank robbers recently arrived from Bolivia, the deposed ruler of a fictional Eastern European monarchy, seven Japanese samurai, a large green man, land a partridge in a pear tree. And they all say that they were here with Lady Gina at the time of the murder." Dr. Watson summed up after all the statements had been taken.

"I'm still not sure about the partridge." Said Demming. "His story sounded rehearsed to me."

"Amazing." Said Watson, rolling his eyes

"And he's short." Added Kate. Suddenly, a thought struck her. She grabbed the letter and read it again. "I've seen this handwriting before, I know I have. The writer has tried to disguise her hand, but I've seen it."

Dr. Watson looked over her shoulder, not really looking at anything but her boobs.

"Do you see anything?" She asked in a low, sultry voice.

"Do I ever."

"So do I." She turned to Lady Gina. "Has Sir Algernon been married before?"

Lady Gina blushed deeply. "We don't discuss that."

"I'm afraid you'll have to. This is a homicide investigation."

Lady Gina sighed. "When Algernon was a young lad he was seduced by an adventuress, someone only looking for his money and he married her. His parents had the marriage annulled at once because Algernon was under age, but the dreadful woman spent years trying to get Algernon and his money."

"Do you recall the name of the woman?" Kate asked.

Lady Gina's brow furrowed in thought. "Yes, it was Tomasina…. Demming."

Kate whirled around, but Demming had already drawn his own Webley. "That's a lie. I loved Algernon and he loved me. I knew he'd eventually drop blondie over there, but then that redheaded tramp got her hooks into him. I had to do something."

"Put the gun down, Tom. Thomasina. Whatever."

"I won't go to prison. How long do you think a beautiful woman like me would last? But I can rid Algy of her!"

"Beautiful?" Gasped Rick, feeling ill.

As Demming swung her pistol to shoot Lady Gina, Holmes picked up a copy of a very heavy novel entitled Finite Laughter, and using the book fu she learned at the library of the Temple of Shao Lin, struck Demming on the head, knocking her out.

"I say, smashing." Said Watson.

"So, should we stop on the way home and get some ice? I do this thing with ice cubes, you know."