Hearts of Fire and Gold

In another series of chambers and ruined passageways through the subterranean city, Isaac and Katherine were finding their way.

"Katherine... I've wanted to ask you for a long time, ever since what happened at the Circuleum..."

"The naumachia? The naval battle?"

"No, since the battle with Ursus –"

"Oh..." she trailed off, looking away. Even still there seemed to be bags upon her eyes.

"It's that, your expression," consoled Isaac. "For weeks now you've eaten much less than usual. I've seen it. You used to take double portions at every meal, and run laps around campus to build yourself, but now you only take half of what you used to enjoy, and you don't leave your room except for classes. Your eyes have a weight to them, and you've not spoken much ever since. I saw your arms tremble at what would've been easy feats of fire for you. Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," she brushed him off, quickening her pace.

Isaac stopped.

"Katherine... are you sure?"

At that inquiry she could walk no further.

"You don't need to hide anything from me. I've seen lots. I understand. But if you keep it all to yourself it'll fester on the inside. I'm your friend – we're your friends. You can tell us things you can't tell the world."

Katherine took a swig of water from the hydroflask and wiped away her mouth with a sleeve. She lowered her head.

"If it's for me to tell... could you promise not to burden Elwin or Mirai with it?"

"You have my promise," he assured, putting his fist over his heart.

"Could we walk while I talk?"

"Of course," he said, approaching her side. They both continued their advance in the ruins of the lost city.

"Hah, how do I put this..." she sighed, brushing her hair so Isaac couldn't discern her immediate expression. "What I've been doing, I've been doing as – as penance."

"Penance?" Isaac inquired, concerned.

"For endangering you, Elwin, Mirai. I've been meaning to say sorry, but I just couldn't say it having done absolutely nothing to stop Ursus from fighting you... all my apologies would be insincere. So I found no other way than to – than to –"

Isaac listened patiently, slowing his pace to accommodate his friend.

"Other than to bear the brunt of guilt by feeling what you would have felt. How could I feast like a glutton on the dishes of the dining hall, how could I sleep soundly, how could I make jolly chat as if nothing had happened, having witnessed your bandaged wounds? What would that make me?" Her voice shook throughout.

"So that's what it was all along?" he replied, incredulous. "Katherine, we –"

"Forget I said that," she interrupted, taking off Isaac's hand from her shoulder.

"No, Katherine, wait!" He gripped it back again with a gentle force, shaking his head.

"This isn't the way. You're tormenting yourself without any of us knowing, for your own sin? The Katherine I know wouldn't do that," he cajoled.

"Then the Katherine you know never was," she slapped his hand away, shocking him. She saw Isaac's expression and could not help to stand. She leaned into a pillar.

"I'm not the Katherine I ever was... or ever told," she muffled, her voice breaking into anguished sobs. Isaac supported her, his face wavering in commensurate empathy, laying her down to sit with him on the tiles of marble, both illuminated only by a single candleflame he held by his sack.

"Why did you have to make me tell? Why – why do you go out of your way to know how I feel..."

"It's okay. You can have all the time in the world. No one is privy to us here."

With Isaac, her anguished sobs turned into a rhythm full of sorrow. A heavy pause divided them for a moment, and Katherine's voice began to emerge in wavering trills.

"Isaac... I'm not the Katherine you know me to be. All this time, all this time... I've said I was so strong, that I liked people who could defend their perspectives with fiery temper... I've told you, all of us, that by virtue of having visited every single republic before coming to Aeternitas, I was the most knowledgeable, the most equipped, the most ready to face the world out of all... that I was the heiress of the Heriz dynasty, and I would protect you..."

"But it turns out, I was none of them when the world came to see!" she shrieked, tears bursting onto Isaac's robes, "I betrayed you without second thought, pushed you into my father's scheme... used, used you as pawns to save my blithering skin!" Her sobs came in roiling waves, as if a dam that had held the lake back for a century had burst at last. Katherine was never the type to cry nor to show her emotions to anyone, but now that she was permitted to...

"I came to realize that all this time I'd been lying to myself and to you. And when I saw Ursus take your body and pound – pound you into the earth, I thought you perished then, and it felt like my heart shattered... You, whom I care for most of all, because you saved my father back then – none other than my father at the hospital!"

Isaac embraced Katherine tightly, letting his warmth flow into her sobbing soul.

"And when I saw Elwin make his last stand... when I saw him bleeding from his head, and saw bandages over his already wounded eye... the scene, the scene, what I said to Elwin back then after forging our Quans came back to me – when I said that it's clear he didn't see us as friends worthy of himself, and told him to find a new group who would gladly put up with his words like scared sheep, when really all Elwin was imploring me to do was to not corner him in front of everyone... and in the end, he stood for me through death's door and all of us when he didn't have to – he wasn't the selfish one, it was me instead, it was me!"

"Why did I have to be so cruel... why did I have to lie to myself, why did I have to be so arrogant? What loneliness I condemned Elwin to, and torn all of your hearts in my heartlessness? For the first time in my life I looked upon myself in the mirror and saw nothing but a reptile staring back at me with its slit crimson eyes... it grabbed me by the neck and told me I'm but a fraud, and always was – that when the time comes, I will try to throw you under the wheel again, to exploit my friends to save myself..."

Isaac continued to listen, his eyes gently closed, holding her close.

"And Isaac, I'm so, so afraid... is this to be my fate? Is this who I am going to be? Every day without fail I saw my father do the same things... he said for the greater good, choices have to be made. Acts of generosity and betrayal to him were mere levers to pull, its results just numbers on the balance sheet. I thought it was customary and how things always were... but now that I've experienced it, how does he have the heart to do these things? Am I to repeat those same things? Must I do the same to be successful?

"No, Katherine, you don't. And I will be with you, always, to help you choose who you want to be."

Her cries came no more like the rushing tide, and gentled to retreating waves.

"It was the first time I'd felt completely powerless to do anything... Isaac, have you felt the same?"

"Every minute at the hospital," he replied. "Would you like to hear a tale?"

"Mmm-hmm."

He told a story of a dying mother and her daughter. She had a forever-illness, in that she was bound to pass away, and the daughter didn't have any money to pay for painkillers; so the doctors, knowing that it would be a waste, didn't give the mother any medicine to ease her passing. Isaac knew that if he stole from the hospital to provide for the pair, his own wages would be in trouble, and the same for his father's life.

But despite the danger, Isaac secretly snuck in a painkiller for the pair, so that the daughter's last memory won't be of her mother in pain, and her mother's last memory won't be of her daughter sobbing into her chest. The hospital administrators later found out about Isaac, and gave him a write-up and garnished his wages for a week, but he was happy that he could at least soothe those suffering souls, however small.

"The truth is, Katherine, the world has always been like that. We're forced to make choices for ourselves, or for others... so it's damn hard. I understand how terrifying it must have been for you to realize what you were doing, and I forgive you fully. I do not blame you at all for the challenge against Ursus, and I am sure that Elwin and Mirai have never once thought of blaming you too, seeing how they've the scars of time written on them, but still possess a warm heart... so rest easy while you are with us, okay? That's what friends are."

Katherine drooped her head and wiped her tears away with her silk handkerchief.

"Thank you, Isaac. I'm glad you are with me."

With a cathartic sigh, they groaned with effort as they stood once more, and dusted off their robes.

"It's almost like you're a generation older than I am," commented Katherine, her voice still raspy. "How do you have the strength to keep walking, even when you know the evils of the world are there? Even when you've had to make hard choices?"

"It's not without pain, but I try. That's why I deeply admire Professor Irina and Professor Aionia, more than any other professors in the school. It was an even harder time for everyone three decades before us, so the fact that they can still muster a smile... it proves that I can do it too."

"Do you want to be like them?"

"Them and more. I want to be like Elwin. He has such a brave heart, braver than mine. I have such great respect for who he is, because he is able to do things I can't, like physically fight for what's right. He is ready to face doom by pursuing the purpose of his own making. He does that all while being tormented by Lucian and the world, and I can't say I am courageous enough to do the same right now."

"You don't have to be good at combat or know how to take a punch to do great things," assured Katherine, now her turn to console him.

"Yeah, don't worry. I'm going to create my own way," agreed Isaac, turning to face Katherine. "I'm going to be the greatest doctor and healer the world has ever known. If I can't become those things, I'm going to become a diplomat; I want to stitch the world together as much as my hands can allow. Back then at the hospital, I didn't know whether we could be capable of such goodness. But in Elwin I saw it. Humankind is worth fighting for."

Katherine rested her hand upon his face. "And this time, I'll protect you all the way. I'm sorry for endangering you – I will make right of my blessings, of my liberty."

The kismets in the darkness resumed their way to the heart of the city, illuminated by nothing other than courage and commiseration; in their light all the dark around them seemed to be mere illusion.

And upon Elwin and Mirai's road, an ancient host was waiting for them.