Chapter 24: Guilt

Levi's POV:

I was trying my hardest to avoid seeing (y/n) right away, I know she is probably tired, and I want to yell at her when she is completely alert. Of course that's not the only reason I want to see her.

My usual restless nights have become even more so when she hasn't been here. If the brat would stop being so fucking stubborn, we wouldn't have had to send people out to get her. I know I'm trying really hard to justify my actions. I know wanting to go out and get her was not in everyone's best interest.

I hate that this girl has me wrapped around her finger. When did I turn into this person? I never mixed personal feelings with being a soldier before. I always felt people who did were stupid and naive. Yet here I am, intentionally going out of my way to protect 1 cadet.

"Hey Shorty!" I hear Hange's annoying voice coming to sit with me at my table, "I saw you over here drinking your tea angrily. Must be thinking about (y/n)."

I didn't respond to her, just did my best to ignore her, but she is the type of person who absolutely refuses to be ignored. "Erwin was just up visiting (y/n), I'm surprised you haven't limped your way over there yet."

I put my tea down and give her a furious look, "What? I thought we weren't allowed to see her until tomorrow!"

"Yes technically, but Erwin saw her trying to escape when he was leaving the hospital wing. She is so adorable." Hange laughed.

Without saying anything, I push myself up from the table and head toward the hospital wing, "She's on the first floor!" Hange calls after me, "Last room on the right!"

Damnit! Erwin was already able to see her. He certainly is fast. I make my way as quickly as I can to the hospital wing. When I get to her door anger starts to bubble up inside of me. She wouldn't be in this position if she had just followed my instructions. Why can't she just let me try and keep her safe?

I calm myself down before entering, I don't want to yell at her yet, I just want to see her. That alone will make me feel better.

I walk slowly into the room, "(y/n)?" I call to her, but I was met with nothing but silence. Is she sleeping?

I walk over to her bed and find her sound asleep, curled up with the blankets wrapped around her. I couldn't help but smile a little bit, she really is adorable when she's asleep.

Her blankets are wrapping around her, so I can't see her injuries. The only thing not covered is her head. Her (h/l) (h/c) hair is tucked neatly behind her ears.

I play with a few strands of her hair between my fingers slowly. All the anger built up is quickly snuffed out when I see her. The frustration is quickly turned into affection, and that is driving me insane. Such a new feeling to be experiencing. This is getting really annoying.

I feel myself getting more and more drowsy. I guess I'm finally able to let myself sleep more soundly now that I have seen her. I lay my head down on the side of her bed, and I can feel myself fall asleep.

Your POV:

I slowly flutter my eyes open as I feel the warm light of the sun. I try to stretch as much as my aching ribs and leg would allow. I was graced with another dreamless sleep, I wonder how long that will last.

I look to my left and see a sleeping Captain Levi. I can't help but smile a little when I see that. He doesn't seem like the type of person to fall asleep in front of anybody. He must be sleeping less than usual, probably my fault.

I run my fingers gently through his raven hair so I can get a better look at his face. The dark circles that are usually under his eyes seem bigger than usual. I feel bad for making everyone worry, as well as frustrated that they even bothered wasting effort on saving me.

I feel Levi stir a bit under my hand and open his steel eyes, "Morning honey badger," I greet him cheerfully, "Be a good boy and fetch me some water." I clap my hands at him, giving him a smug smile, because I knew it would wind him up.

He sits up and glares at me, "You have a lot of nerve, (l/n). You get nothing," he growled at me as he grabbed my hand that was going through his hair, "But I do have some questions for you."

"I may have answers."

"What the fuck were you thinking?" Levi asks.

"You just looked so peaceful in your sleep," I say sweetly, "I needed to push your hair back so I could see your adorable sleeping face."

"That's not what I meant, and you know it."

"I don't know what you mean, sir." I answer teasingly.

"Stop acting like a child!" Levi growls, clearly getting annoyed, but I can't help myself.

"Make me!" I say childishly.

"Your current state may stop me from making you clean the stables or run laps, but it doesn't protect you from a smack to that smart mouth." He snarls dangerously.

"Stop! I yield!" I laugh, not wanting to push him much farther, "Despite what you and Commander Erwin might think, I didn't disobey you to be stubborn. I did it because I had a feeling the fight with the female titan wasn't over, and I wasn't about to abandon my squad to help Hange look after the wounded."

"Yeah! And a lot of help you ended up providing!" Levi started yelling, "How different would things have been if you hadn't been there? There would have been no difference! Everyone else would still be dead, Eren would still have survived, and we wouldn't have had to send 8 people after your stupid ass, and 3 people wouldn't have died."

"I never asked anybody to save me!" I started to raise my voice too, "In fact, I expected you guys to leave me out there, because that's what you should have done! I would have died, and it would have meant something! I would have died, but most of the people I saved would have lived! But now, I have to live with knowing 3 good people died for me! It shouldn't have happened, Levi! You guys should have kept emotion out of the decision. If it were anyone else, other than Eren, you wouldn't have let people come and look for me."

Levi is silent at that, so I continue, "You shouldn't have allowed it. You and Erwin should have never allowed it."

My ribs groan from my yelling, so I stop and take a breather. Now that I sit and think about it, I do feel bad for yelling at him. But I felt so much guilt built up in me, and I'm lashing out.

Levi hasn't said anything, he just sits there staring blankly at his hands. His silence was killing me, I can handle him yelling at me, but I can't handle the silence. I remove myself from my blankets and swing my legs over the side of the bed that Levi is on.

"Levi," I pull on his hands, trying to pull him up to me. He looks up at me and gently wraps his arms around me, "I'm sorry." I whisper into his shoulder as I wrap my arms around him too.

"I'm sorry I couldn't help them." I say to him as he holds me, "I couldn't save them, I'm so sorry." I had so much regret for being one of the only survivors of my squad. I've caught myself wishing I had died with them sometimes.

"Idiot," He muttered into my hair, "You're alive, and you're the one I can't lose."

I noticed he was favouring his one leg while he was standing, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Levi says as he releases me from his embrace, "Female titan too."

"What happened?" I was curious to know what went on after I got knocked out. How did Eren get away? How did Levi get hurt?

"After I found out our squad was wiped out, I went around looking for Eren." He explained, sitting back down in his chair, "I found Mikasa chasing after the female titan, since she had Eren at the time."

"I'm surprised Mikasa's glare wasn't enough to finish off the female titan." I laugh.

"I told her it was useless trying to kill the female titan," Levi continues, "We should have just saved Eren and got out of there. But she stupidly tried to go in for the kill. I had to save her, so that's how I hurt my ankle."

"Wait, did you try and scold her for making a poor decision, based on personal feelings?" I raise my eyebrows at him.

"Don't start with me, (l/n). You are already on thin ice." He warns me.

"Alright," I laugh as I raise my hands up in defence, "Fair enough."

"Your turn," Levi says, "Tell me what happened with the female titan.

"After she appeared I stayed with Eren while the others went to face off with her," I start to explain, staring down at my hands, "But she killed them, and I couldn't stop Eren from turning into a titan. So I tried to help by going after her legs and her nape, but she grabbed me, broke some ribs and threw me quite a distance. I assume my leg broke when I fell to the ground."

"I'm surprised she didn't just kill you." Levi mutters thoughtfully.

"I know, right?! But it gets weirder," I continue, "When I woke up I had another run in with a titan while I was looking for shelter, and the female titan showed up out of nowhere and saved me. I'd have been eaten by that titan if it weren't for her. The first time I had direct contact with her and she didn't kill me. I could write that off from the fact she was also battling with Eren at the time, and didn't particularly care to make sure I was dead. But my second direct encounter with her, there was no mistaking it, she kept me alive on purpose."

"Very strange," Levi says quietly, "You need to get better soon, we'll be having meetings with Erwin, Hange, Eren and some other cadets from the 104th trainee group."

"Why? Do they know something?" I question him.

"I don't know, but you should be there too."

"When is it?"

"Tomorrow."

"... No thanks, I'll stay in bed." I smile at him sweetly.

"I'll drag you there if I have to." He growls at me.

"Any excuse to get your hands on me, huh?" I tease him.

"There will be time for that when you're better," He smirked at me, "So make sure you focus on healing."

My cheeks go red and his smirk goes wider, "I have to go brat, some of us have work to do." Levi patted the top of my head and left me alone.

Erwin and Levi just make it a mission to make my heart beat as fast as it can.

Eren's POV:

I made up my mind, I don't care what anyone says, I'm going to go see (y/n) after breakfast. I know I'm not in the best shape myself, but I've been dying to see her ever since the expedition.

I still feel bad I was unconscious when we were heading back to HQ. If I had stayed awake maybe I could have remembered what happened to (y/n) faster, and we could have saved her right away.

Armin was driving me insane with his questions, I haven't really been speaking to many people other than Mikasa. He has something bugging him about the female titan and her identity, but I can't help him. I don't really know anything about her.

"I want to go with you," I hear Armin say from beside me, snapping me out of my own thoughts, "I know you're planning on going to see (y/n), so I'm coming."

"Why?" I asked him, annoyed that he wanted to tag along.

"I want to see if she knows anything more about the female titan that can help in identifying her," Armin explained, "I may have my own theories, but I'd like to know what she may know as well."

I shrug and we finish eating in silence. After we finish, we make our way to the hospital wing. As we are walking there, we run into Captain Levi.

"You brats better not forget about that meeting tomorrow," Levi says to us as he passes, "Don't be late."

We salute him as he walks by, he must have been in to visit (y/n). Jealousy flares up within me when I think of them spending time together alone.

We reach (y/n)'s hospital room and slowly open the door. (Y/n) was sitting on the side of her bed, she looks up when she hears us come in and gives us a sweet smile that makes us melt.

I didn't want to run over and hug her because I know she is hurt. (Y/n) must have seen my inner struggle and held out her arms toward me. This is the first time she has ever allowed me to hug her. She doesn't typically like people touching her, but I was happy when she decided to let me embrace her.

I pull her gently into my arms and breathe in her familiar sweet scent. "I was so worried about you!" I say into her (h/c) hair.

"Get in line," she laughed and patted my back, "I'm just glad to be alive I guess."

"It hasn't been the same around here without you," Armin says as I reluctantly let go, reaching his own arms around (y/n) now, "But now things can go back to normal."

"I'm glad you're both okay," She said as Armin released her, "I heard you had a direct encounter with the female titan too, Armin."

Armin nodded his head, "Yeah, it was an interesting encounter."

"Same here," (y/n) commented quietly, "She let me go on a couple occasions."

"What?" Armin and I said in unison.

"Yeah," (y/n) sighed, "When she was fighting Eren she had an opportunity to get rid of me for good. But she only broke my ribs and threw me. Then later when I was finding shelter, a titan got a hold of me and she came out of nowhere and saved me by killing the titan that had me."

We both stare at her in disbelief, mouths agape, not understanding why the female titan would do such a thing after all the people she killed.

She chuckles at the shocked looks on our faces, and reaches under our chins to close our mouths.

I look over to Armin and I can see he is deep in thought. I wonder what he is trying to work out in his mind.

"I'm sorry, (y/n)." I say quietly while looking down at my hands.

"What for?"

"You were left out there because of me. If I had woken up and remembered right away what happened, you wouldn't have been stuck out there for as long as you were."

I feel her rest her hand on my shoulder, "Technically I wasn't supposed to be there at all. Commander Erwin and Captain Levi both ordered me to go back with Hange, but I decided that you were the priority, Eren. I had a feeling that she would come back."

I can feel my face heat up, "Thank you, but yeah, you probably should have gone with Hange."

"Et tu, Eren?" She laughed nervously, "Well Armin, I've been waiting to pick your brain. What was your first impression of the female titan?"

"When I ran into her I thought I was done for," Armin started to explain, "But she didn't kill me, she just pulled back my hood, looked at my face then left me behind."

"Guess she was disappointed that you weren't Eren." (Y/n) comments.

"Yeah, I was able to guess that was probably who she was after," Armin continued, "Even more so when she responded to me saying, 'suicidal idiot', which anyone from our trainee group knows I'm referring to Eren."

"So, the suspect is someone you trained with huh? That's awkward. But that was pretty smart Armin," (y/n) chuckled while patting him on the head, making his face go red, "Have you already told Commander Erwin?"

"Not yet," Armin sighed, "They've been pretty busy trying to get you back, I haven't really had the chance to talk to him about it. But I'm going to go see him today, then maybe we can discuss it more in the meeting tomorrow."

"You better go do that then, Armin," I say to him, nudging his arm a bit, "He's a pretty busy man."

Armin seemed to take the hint and waved goodbye at the both of us as he left the room.

"I'm sorry, (y/n)." I sighed once Armin left.

"Why?"

"I wasn't able to help you, all I could think about in that moment was to kill the female titan. I didn't even notice her grab you and throw you, until it was too late."

"Eren," I feel her hand on my shoulder again as she speaks, "Don't be sorry, I shouldn't have got in between 2 intelligent titans fighting."

I put my hand over the hand she still had on my shoulder, "I'm sorry I couldn't save our squad mates."

"I'm sorry too." She smiled at me sadly.

"Mind if I stick around for a bit longer? Just to chat." I ask her nervously.

"Of course."

We spent a couple hours just talking. She told me about what she went through after she was left behind, and I told her about life here without her.

I would have spent all day with her, but Captain Levi dragged me away around lunch time. She seemed to be in good spirits, but it's so hard to tell with her sometimes. (Y/n) is usually pretty good at masking her emotions.

Author's POV:

Lawrence was sitting in his office looking through some papers. Most of his colleagues couldn't sit still knowing you were back from beyond the walls. But he loved that you returned, you are still his favourite toy after all.

He is startled out of his thoughts of you by knocking at the door. "Enter." He growled at whoever was behind the door.

A tall man with curly golden hair and frantic amber eyes burst through the door. "Conrad, what do you want?" Lawrence snarled at him, pushing some of his silvery blonde hair away from his face.

"(Y/n) is back, did you not hear?" Conrad asked him nervously.

"Of course I heard you idiot. Some of us actually have brains in our skulls. It's a wonder why Katrina ended your marriage." Lawrence scoffs at him.

"I didn't think she would actually leave me!" Conrad said desperately, "Katrina always turned a blind eye when I was out with other women. Too afraid to confront me about it because she didn't want to lose me. Now all of a sudden she grew a back bone."

"It's because you lost your hold over her!" Lawrence yelled furiously, "You stopped trying to keep her infatuated with you! You became Conrad to her and stopped being Helios! Now what am I going to do? Out of (y/n)'s 3 siblings, she was the easiest to manipulate. With you out of the picture she will never marry another one of my pets."

Conrad stopped to think for a moment before responding, "Maybe Benjamin. Elizabeth wouldn't fall for any of us, but Benjamin might. It might work if you offer up someone who knew (y/n) well."

Lawrence considers Conrad's words. It's true he won't be able to manipulate Katrina again, he knows this. Not to mention the fact that her father, David, is not pleased with the situation with Conrad and Katrina. Not enough to crumble their friendship, but enough to strain it and make him question it.

Lawrence tried in the past to set Elizabeth up, but that wouldn't work. She is not an easy one to manipulate. Katrina was the easiest, she was desperate to be involved in a world she considered to be glamorous. She was always jealous of you, so she has always been easy to manipulate.

But she is not an option anymore, so Benjamin will have to do. 'Perhaps Celeste will do'. Lawrence thought to himself, 'Not only is she a close friend of (y/n)'s, but Benjamin will trust her too with her history with (y/n)'.

"I mean, I could try to work on Elizabeth," Conrad said, interrupting Lawrence's thoughts, "I found her to be quite attracted to me on a few occasions before Katrina and I got married." He puffed out his chest proudly, stroking his own ego.

"Do you know what I hate more than disobedient pets?" Lawrence asks, giving a dangerous look to Conrad, "Over confident pets who think they are worth more to me than they actually are."

"My apologies, sir." Conrad said quietly.

"Go find Clio and tell her to meet me in my office tomorrow." Lawrence orders Conrad.

Conrad bows to Lawrence before heading out of his office.

Lawrence didn't know why he hadn't thought about using Celeste against you. You always stood up for her and protected her as best you could. Celeste was very special to you, but unlike you she is weak minded. Lawrence knew exactly how to turn her against you.