Chapter 39

"Ano bang gagawin mo roon?" I asked Ximi nang nakapasok na kami sa loob ng sasakyan. Alas cuatro na ngayon at kagaya ng napag-usapan ay uuwi siya sa apartment niya nang kasama ako.

I felt excited. Gusto ko lang makita ang apartment niyang ilang taon niya ring tinitirhan. Simple lang kaya ito? Magara? O magulo?

"I'll just get my things. Baka kasi 'di muna ako babalik doon at kina lolo muna mananatili." He explained. I watched him turning the engine on.

"E 'di maganda 'yon." Komento ko. Tinignan niya ako nang diretso kaya nailang ako. Una akong naglihis ng tingin nang naramdaman ko ang pag-init ng aking pisngi.

Tumulak na kami sa QC kung saan nandoon ang kanyang apartment. I have mine in Makati. Simple lang naman iyon dahil ako lang mag-isa. Minsan, kung libre si Herana, roon siya natutulog. Magkatabi kami. Payat naman kami pareho kaya nagkakasya kami.

Tahimik lang ako buong biyahe. 'Di ko kasi alam paano ko sisimulan ang usapan namin. I felt a gap. I felt a space between us. I didn't know if it was healthy or not. Pero siguro puwede na rin iyon to keep my sanity with me. Kapag kasi magsisimula ng kumarera ang puso ko, 'di na ako nakakapag-isip nang maayos.

He turned left and I didn't know what route he was taking. Basta ay may tiwala naman ako sa kanya. I believed he knew where he was going.

"How's your discussion with Atifa?" Basag niya sa katahimikan. Kung dati ay gustong gusto ko ng tahimik at ayoko sa kanya dahil magulo siya, ngayon ay parang hinahanap ko na iyon.

"It's fine. Bukas ay magsisimula na kami." Simple kong sabi. I just thought he's just an ordinary man. Na wala akong nararamdaman para sa kanya dahil mahirap makipag-usap kapag nauutal ako.

"You're working with whom?" He asked again. This time, I turned to him.

"Morthena at Herana... since they are pushing me to this."

"I see," tumango siya. Ang mata'y pokus lang sa daan.

Tahimik na naman kami. The mere fact that I was with him, I just couldn't think straight. He's practically taking my breath away.

Ilang minuto pa ang lumipas nang bumagal ang takbo ng kanyang sasakyan. I glanced outside the window and found out 'di pamilyar sa akin ang lugar.

"We're are we?" I asked and turned to him. Huminto ang sasakyan niya sa isang malaking bahay.

"Veteran Village," he simply said. Kumunot ang noo ko sa sagot na 'yon.

"E nasaan ang apartment mo?"

Bakit malalaking bahay ang nakikita ko rito? Or what was I expecting?

"It's not really an apartment. It's a house and we're actually here."

"Here?" I mouthed. Hindi na naman yata gumana ang utak ko. "That gray house?" I pointed out and he chuckled.

"You're still innocent, Luca." He said. Parang namangha siya inaasta ko. "Anyway, let's go?"

"Uhh, o-okay." Tumango ako.

Bahay? I really thought apartment. Ang akin kasi ay apartment talaga. Parte siya ng malaking building na ako lang ang nakatira. It's a residential suite.

Nakalabas na siya pero nanatili pa rin ako sa loob. It's not that I wanted him to open the door for me. Siguro naguguluhan pa rin ako.

I opened the door pero 'di kaagad ako lumabas. I was still mesmerized. Pinagkibit balikat ko nalang iyon saka ako tuluyang lumabas.

Pagkasara ko ng pinto ay pinasadahan ko kaagad ng tingin ang malaking bahay na kulay puti at abo. May itim na gate na nakadugtong sa puting haligi at may doorbell doon. The house was actually three-story at mahaba. May glass windows and the balcony, imbes na semento o bakal ang nagsisilbing pader ay transparent glass. Sa labas, may damuhan and there were some little yellow flowers.

"How much is this house?" I asked him.

Ang laki talaga. Puwede siyang ma-rentahan, puwede ring malaking pamilya ang tumitira rito. But knowing Ximi alone, wasn't this cost too much?

"Almost 17 million." Sagot niya na parang barya lang ang pera. Nakatingala siya sa bahay niya habang nakapamaywang.

"17?!" Gulat na gulat talaga ako. Gaano ba kayaman ang lalaking ito? 17 million?! Parang 'di naman siya mayabang sa lagay na 'yon?

He turned to me with his casual stares. Parang wala lang sa kanya 'yong naging reaksyon ko. O baka ako lang talaga 'yong ganito?

E kasi naman 17 million pero siya lang ang nakatira rito! Or baka pa nga 'di, e. Kasi sabi ni lolo nang umuwi ako sa kanila ay apat na buwan na pala si Ximi roon. Ibig sabihin ay halos pitong buwan ng walang tumitira sa bahay na 'to.

"Bakit naman masyadong malaki ang binili mo e 'di ka naman tumitira rito?" I asked curiously. Nakakawindang lang talaga.

"Basically this is not just for myself, Luca. This is for my future."

"Future?" I mouthed and he nodded.

"We're getting old everyday, babe. Gusto ko na rin magkaroon ng sariling pamilya... a family that I can call my own."

Marahan ang pagkurap ko sa kanya. He was hurt, I can say. Wala na 'yong dating mapaglarong kinang sa kanyang mata.

"That's why I'm very careful in choosing, Luca. I don't want to commit the same mistakes again." He gave me a small smile. Nagbago naman ang eskpresyon sa kanyang mukha. "We better get going now. Baka magabihan pa tayo sa pag-uwi."

Tumalikod na siya sa akin. Pinanood ko naman ang likod niyang papaliit nang papaliit. I was hurt, too. I felt a pang in my chest to think he was hurting more.

I took a deep breath and followed him. May kinuha siyang susi mula sa kanyang bulsa at ginamit iyon para mabuksan ang gate. While there I was, still watching how his muscle flexed.

Suot niya'y bubble gum pink long sleeve sweater and white tokong shorts. Ang sapin sa paa ay isang leather flat shoes.

Nang nabuksan na niya ang maliit na gate ay nilingon niya ako. He gave me a timid smile which I gave in return with a nod. Sumunod ako sa kanya nang pumasok siya sa loob.

Mayroong garage sa gilid ng kanyang bahay at sa tapat noon ay ang malaking gate para madali lang magparada. Napapalibutan pa rin ng damo o bushes ang paligid. Ang masasabi ko ay may taste talaga siya sa art. At kagaya ng sinabi niya, ayaw niya sa makalat na lugar kaya siguro organized ang paligid at malinis.

May ginamit ulit siyang susi para mabuksan ang main door na gawa sa kahoy. Pagkabukas niyang iyon ay pumasok siya kaagad. Ako naman, nalibang sa tanawin sa labas.

This was the life he chose to live and I couldn't be against with that. Dito ay tahimik, payak at payapa. Bagaman magara ang mga gamit, halata pa ring simple lang ang magiging buhay dito. It screamed contentment. And I would be happier to see him living here with his chosen woman. Kung puwede ko nga lang sanang hilingin na ako nalang iyon, I would, but I didn't think I can give him the life that he wanted. 'Di ko pa kasi talaga alam ang tungkol sa ganitong bagay. Inosente pa ako kagaya ng lagi niyang sinasabi. Paano kung ako ang pinili niya but will eventually regret it because I can't make it work for us? And maybe he would tell himself he should have chosen Elliana or Patricia rather than me.

Masakit.

Masakit iyon kasi imbes na siya ang aalagaan, siya pa ang mag-aalaga. He has done dealing with the mess of his past and here we go again, dahil sa akin ay magugulo na naman ang buhay niya. And same thing, he'll commit the same mistakes again.

And I can't be a burden to him. Sapat na sa akin ang makita siyang masaya sa napili niyang buhay... a life without my existence.

"Babe," tawag ng pamilyar na boses. Halos tumalon ako sa gulat. Daglian ko siyang nilingon na ngayo'y malalim ang tingin sa akin. "Why so jumpy?"

"Uhh," I looked down and bit my lower lip. Nasasaktan ako nang 'di ko alam ang dahilan.

Mahal ko na ba ang lalaking ito? Ano ang gagawin ko para makalimutan 'tong nararamdaman ko? What if this will only lead to more complicated things?

"You okay?" He asked and I looked up to see him.

And that was the moment I knew I just broke the brick of my walls. And just it, I felt threatened. I already gave him the permission to destroy me more. It was overwhelming.

"Come in. You're very welcome here." He suddenly grinned and my heart palpitated at the sight.

Without further ado, pumasok ako sa loob kagaya ng pagpayag kong pumasok si Ximi sa buhay ko. Wala na. Nasira na nang tuluyan. I gave in.

I scanned the whole place. I was like a little girl who was mesmerized by magic.

"This place is so beautiful," sabi ko. Mas maganda ang nasa loob kesa sa labas. Disente, organized at malinis pa. Every shade of the color has its own meaning.

Hinanap ko ang mata niya. And when ours met, para akong nawala sa ulirat. I found myself sinking; drowning in abyss of longingness.

This feeling petrified me. I stepped back, trying to fight against my heart. I was trying to save myself from falling kasi alam kong mali ito. I was scared; scared of falling off to uncertainty.

He told me he loved me. I told him I felt the same way, too. But was that enough to make things work? Paano kung hindi?

"Babe," he whispered, stepping towards me. I can taste the pain in his voice.

I froze. I waited him to stand in front of me. 'Di naman ako nabigo. He held my hand and send millions of weak electricity to my system. And my heart, aimed for victory.

I wanted him so bad. I wanted him to be mine, to be called as mine. Iyong ako lang at wala akong kahating iba. Kapag ba maging kami, I will be assured that it's only me he will love and give his whole attention to?

Maybe not. I didn't want to be as selfish as that. I didn't want to control his life. I didn't want his world to revolve around me like I was his only sun.

Kasi mukhang malabo. At 'di puwedeng ganoon lang 'yon.

Napapikit ako nang hinawakan niya ang pisngi ko at marahang hinaplos iyon gamit ang likod ng kanyang palad. I was already crying silently. My heart was thumping inside my chest.

"What shall I do with you, Luca?" Nanghihina niyang pahayag. He kissed my forehead like he was longing to do it.

Nagmulat ako ng mata at hinanap kaagad ang kanya. There was a blood shot on it. Namamasa rin ito.

Was he really crying? Pero bakit? Para saan?

Pinagmasdan niya ang mukha ko. I knew my eyes were also wet. At nang may lumandas na luha sa pisngi ko ay pinunasan niya kaagad iyon. Sa sandali pa ay pumikit siya at inilapit ang mukha sa akin. Naramdaman ko na lamang ang malambot niyang labi sa akin.

He kissed me gently, savoring every moment he had. 'Di ako marunong humalik but I was trying. I cupped both of his cheeks and he suddenly hoisted me up. Pinaupo niya ako sa sofa without breaking our kiss.

He left my lips as he traveled down to my neck. Ganoon na lamang ang pagsinghap ko nang kakaibang kiliti ang dumaloy sa katawan ko. Tumingala ako while pulling his hair. His kisses were gently, making me want for more.

He stopped from kissing my neck and I had the chance to take a deep breath. Hinanap kong muli ang mata niya and when I saw it, there was a hint of mixed signal.

"Luca," sambit niya. Kita ko ang alinlangan sa kanyang mukha.

We were both silent for awhile while holding each other's eyes. And for the meantime, I was thinking. I was trying to gather all my power to settle down to one decision.

I took a deep breath and carefully touch his jaw. Makinis pa rin ang kanyang mukha na parang 'di man lang nagkakatigyawat.

"Sabihin mo lang na mahal mo ako at handa akong sumugal kung ikaw ang pinaglalaban ko." Sabi ko.

There was it. I just fessed up. I thought I messed up with everything I had but when he smiled brightly, I felt relieved.

"I will gamble everything I have just to be your end game, Ximi... because you already own me. And there's no reason for holding back."

He was just staring at me. Sa pagkakabasa ko sa kanyang mata ay parang nalito siya at nagulat at the same time.

I held his cheeks and kissed his forehead saka siya tinignan nang diretso sa mata.

"Isang salita mo lang, I will give into you." I added.

Hindi ko na nasundan ang mga sumunod na pangyayari. Ang pagkakaalam ko ay may nangyari sa amin. And it was my very first time.

Kinabukasan ay maaga akong umalis so I could talk to Atifa about the plan. I just wanted to clarify things out. I suggested she doesn't need to walk in a red carpet but rather enjoy the soft tickles of the white sand.

"If that's what you think is better, Luca. I have no problem with that." Pagsang-ayon ni Atifa.

And just that, I planned the whole venue. May mga gumamela petals sa lalakaran ni Atifa. She loved that kind of flower so much. 'Di naman niya sinabi kung bakit.

Sa mga nagdaang araw ay abala ako sa kasal ni Atifa. Naging magaan ang trabaho ko dahil sa tulong ng mga pinsan ko. And the latest news I got was Jadeite made a wedding crown for Atifa na may touch of beach. She was the one who designed it. Of course dahil na rin sa magaling siya sa ganoong aspeto. But it didn't clear my thought that I hated her. I still hated her kahit pinsan ko siya.

Before the wedding, nagkaroon ng bridal shower. We were just doing the tradition of our family kahit sa totoo lang ay ayaw ni Atifa. But she eventually invited her friends from different places. While Tam, of course he had his bachelor party dahil sa kagagawan ng mga kaibigan niya.

Tam's a nice guy. Kita ko namang mahal niya si Atifa kaya binigay ko na sa kanya ang buo kong tiwala. And who was I to judge? I just met him. Mas kilala siya ni Atifa so there's no room for perturbation. I'll just wish them all the best in life because they deserved it.