70

"Greta, I'm home early. Where you at?" I wander into our temporary apartment, dumping my bag in the hall with relief at being back already, and push through to the main lounge, stopping dead in my tracks when my eyes fall upon two figures on the couch. My heart lurches up into my throat, and I pause in shock.

"I hope you don't mind me waiting here for you?" Yoonah stands awkwardly, dressed in his office suit, extending a hand to me as though he's meeting a casual business acquaintance, and my eyes immediately run to Greta sitting down. She gives me a slight shrug and eyebrow raise to imply she has no idea what to say or that it's been uncomfortable for her sitting here with him.

"Have you been here long?" I take his hand, shaking it lightly and feeling weird about this whole formal encounter. It's not like Yoonah to be so strange, but I guess I must feel like a stranger to him now. Two years of being dead, and then I walked back into his life only a couple of days ago. His eyes dart from mine to my hand, and he quickly pulls it away and sheepishly rocks back onto his heels. Seemingly not comfortable with touching anymore.

"No. I Just got here, actually. I wasn't sure if you would be coming back so soon after you went up to Jyeon's office."

"You saw us?" I ask in confusion. "You could have come up and said hello." I try for warmth and a gentle smile and gesture for him to sit back down, noting Greta has already made him coffee.

"You and Jyeon looked like you had something going on. You two were in your Sohla and Jyeon bubble and oblivious to the world, just like before." His smile is strained, and he carefully returns to seated, and I follow suit and choose the chair opposite him. His whole aura is nervous, uncertain, and not the cheeky and confident Yoonha of my past. It pangs me to know I chose this for him when I abandoned him.

"It's nice to see you again, really. I know it must have been a shock the other day, and we didn't get much time to talk properly. It was intense and emotional. I'm glad you came by." Mother had constantly cried and held onto me like a human teddy bear there to comfort her. Yoonah didn't get to say anything, and my time was monopolized. I guess my own emotions were so messy too that day.

"I think I am still processing it, to be honest. You have no idea how happy I am that you're okay and alive. That all this time you were being cared for." Yoonah drops his gaze to his hands between his knees, where they are casually hanging. It feels like he has something to say but doesn't know how. His old boyish tells are still intact anyway.

"I don't know how much Jyeon has told you…."

"Nothing. Jyeon and I... We don't interact about anything other than work. His life is his, mine is mine, and we don't exchange anything personally." There's a bitter quality in his tone, and he looks to the coffee table, sees his mug, and leans in to swipe it.

"I'll make you one." Greta throws me a supportive wink over his head and excuses herself to give us space, sensing we need it. Sliding up and escaping to the tiny kitchen next door.

"You used to be close. I hope I'm not the reason that you two…."

"You are. I .... Some relationships aren't worth saving or fixing. Some relationships can't go back to how they were."

Don't I know that all too well?

I nod, feeling his pain ebbing my way, understanding more than he knows, and it brings me an intense sadness to see my once fun-loving younger brother has aged so much in my absence. He seems introverted and troubled, and there's a haunted look in his eyes that translates to his entire demeanor. His happy-go-lucky and often childish side appears to have evaporated.

"You're acting VP now, right? Did you take my old position? How's that going for you? Do you like it?" I try to bring us back to neutral territory, and he perks up a little with the safe topic. Visibly relaxing.

"Yeah. I guess, sort of. I don't do half of what you did, as Jyeon split up the duties between him and me. I don't know how you ever did it and held everything together while still being the head of the home. I think Jyeon realized his workload was light because you redirected everything to you before it could reach him."

It's nice that he finally saw that after years of me juggling so many balls and Jyeon seeming oblivious. Maybe he now understands the pressure I was under all that time.

"It wasn't without its consequences. I didn't exactly have a happy life or happy marriage." I know I should watch what I say to him, but if he doesn't talk to Jyeon about anything, I guess I can relax a little. I told Jyeon I would act like I remembered my past around mother and Yoonha, so it's not exactly wrong.

"Is that why you didn't come back? Because you weren't happy with us?" Yoonha turns doe eyes my way, so large and sad that it hits like a stabbing slice in my heart, and I almost choke on the sudden lump in my throat.

"I…. I…lost my memory. I didn't.." I falter, finding lying to Yoonha so much harder than lying to Jyeon was. He was always my kid brother, my baby, whom I raised and sheltered, and he trusted me with his whole heart. He's not a kid anymore, but there's still a young boy in him, and that's all I see. It feels wrong.

"Are you back here now to reconcile with him? Why would you do that? Jyeon ruined everything, and he never loved or took care of you. He was awful…. he ignored you and hurt you ….he had an affair, Sohla!" Yoonha's temper spikes in a tremor of his tone, his raw hurt and emotion filtering through in a gravelly way, and he quickly gulps some coffee to calm himself down, realizing he's overstepping. Trying to hide what must still touch a nerve for him.

It feels like being back two years. Yoonha hasn't changed all that much. Still looking out for me, caring, and behaving like a stroppy child. It makes me sad to know his heart hasn't moved on. Here I am, still feeling like his second mother, and the urge to comfort him and guide him beats strong. I can't, though, because he has to learn to live on his own two feet and adjust. I'm not going back to what I was. I don't want the burden of his feelings again or his frustration at my never doing what he wants.

"People are allowed to make mistakes and grow because of them. I don't blame Jyeon for what happened; we both did things that were messed up. I wasn't innocent in the past either. We were both wrong about so many things in how we handled each other. And no, I'm not here to reconcile…. I'm here to get back my identity, what's mine, and a divorce."

"Really?" Yoonha's face shoots up, and he locks hopeful eyes on me, suddenly losing all tension, and his face smooths out as a hint of happiness glows from within. I don't like it. It's the look of a lovesick boy that figured out he might still have something to hold on to, and I realize Yoonha never let me go in that way. My wish that he would find someone to love and forget me is dashed to death instantly. It hits me like a weight to the chest and gives me the sense of suffocation I used to have daily when I stayed here.

"I have a life where I ended up. Friends, a job, a make-shift family. I'm happy there, and I don't want to come back here to pick up where I left off. I'm not the same Sohla anymore."