Review Detail of Rusalka_Art in Destiny: Hive Rising
Details zur Rezension
Full disclosure; this piece of writing was sent into a discord group, asking for feedback. I do not indulge in Destiny as a franchise, so I cannot comment there. The chapters have an issue with switching between present and past tense; "Those are all that are on my mind right now... Several small worms scavenged along the ground" from chapter one, or "After I selected my upgrade, my vision returned.... Fully waking up, I hear a battle cry" in chapter 2. Thankfully this is something that happens less as the chapters go on, but its something that should have probably been fixed in the second draft. The writing also switches between first and third person, and even narration styles between paragraphs, which make it hard to read. There are some grammatical mistakes that should also be addressed, and should have been edited out before posting. My native language is not English, but they stood out to me quite heavily and continue to be an issue with the recent chapters. Second drafts or maybe a beta-reader would be handy for this. The vast majority of the story happens within our protagonists head. This is something that can be done to quite the effect. This kind of approach can give a much more intimate relation between reader and the protagonist. It may be the case of a very young authors voice, but we do not get this kind of experience here. There are small hints at personality here, that could be developed into something further, but are instead simply used to move from one point to another. Eight chapters in, and we know very little of substance about our protagonist. Their thoughts seem to be purely logical, with little to no internal monologue that doesn't push the narrative. This may be by design, but it definitely feels alienating. If I were to die and wake up in a monstrous otherworldly body, I would expect to have some serious questions, more worried, panicked thoughts. The protagonist approaches their entire situation with... a very calm, almost bored demeanour. This brings to the last point, which is that the prose is very monotone. Whilst a lot of the writing is used to overexplain the situation time after time, the character getting shot at is described in the same way one would describe making breakfast.
Destiny: Hive Rising
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i guess i can see what you’re talking about but here’ s a couple things. a reason we don’t know much about the character is that the narration is in their head. you don’t necessarily go around thinking about your entire life all the time also, i’m not sure what you mean by the way he’s shot at being described like someone making breakfast, but i doubt a hitman, let alone one in direct combat, would take time to think about the bullets in depth. His life is on the line, the descriptions of what’s coming towards him at speeds he can’t see obviously aren’t going to be detailed again, this is just to be just to the author, i think a one star review is super harsh
So, this style does not mean one should describe their whole life etc. It more means that we as a reader get to see what they think about what is happening about them. Get to see if they are cynical, or hopeful, or slow-witted or emotional? These all can be taken from things like internal monologue, but we don't see any of this here. When it comes to describing combat, I'm not expecting somebody to have a detailed inner narration of hat is happening. However, there are several writing techniques that are normally used in order to make it -feel- more like combat. Shorter sentences signify haste, for example, which would have been appropriate. Snappier paragraphs, or even breaks in mid-thought, to signify action taking over train of thought. I will agree, my rating is harsh. But it is honest. As someone who has officially published their works before, I think this could have used at least another draft before posting. I think a lot of the issues here could be fixed, but they can't be if they are not expressed.
EmptyWriter:i guess i can see what you’re talking about but here’ s a couple things. a reason we don’t know much about the character is that the narration is in their head. you don’t necessarily go around thinking about your entire life all the time also, i’m not sure what you mean by the way he’s shot at being described like someone making breakfast, but i doubt a hitman, let alone one in direct combat, would take time to think about the bullets in depth. His life is on the line, the descriptions of what’s coming towards him at speeds he can’t see obviously aren’t going to be detailed again, this is just to be just to the author, i think a one star review is super harsh
