AJ_Malaika
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AJ_Malaika1yrAntwortet auf Dylan_Hopkins_0665It’s Chia tea all over again, Lol 😂
Most people when they think about a desert, the first thing that comes to mind is the Sahara desert, but in reality, the Atacama Desert is the driest nonpolar desert in the world, in other words, the most lethal.- AJ_Malaika2yrKommentiert
The candles are real, along with chicken and rose bouquets
And the tour guide played along - spinning wild rumours about ninjas trying to steal their chicken-scented candles or printed crocs. Every one a segway to the next stop. Annoying as it was, Mia hoped he was getting paid enough for his enthusiasm. - AJ_Malaika2yrKommentiert
The real Colonel Sanders had a rival who ran a petrol station nearby. He was jealous because the Colonel got more customer as he served food like his chicken. The Colonel caught him vandalising his ad and threatened him that if he caught him again, he’d shoot him. Later the Colonel and his colleague who worked at Shell found his Rival painting over his signs. But the rival was ready with a gun and opened fire killing the colleague. After that the Colonel fired in self defence. The rival was acquitted but ”apparently” the colleagues family got their own revenge and killed him
For most of tour Mia and Ora had gone along with Tilly's limitless energy, taking pictures at almost every stop. From the robotic talking Colonel at the start - which, according to Ora was a bad omen - to the replica of the gun the Colonel's rival used to kill to try an kill him. Mia's favourite was the indoor drive-thru on those tiny bicycles that Mia was way too big for. Ora laughed so hard they started choking. - AJ_Malaika2yrKommentiert
This game console is actually real 😂 guess KFC felt the neglected gamers for too long
'Say silly inventions!' shouts Tilly as Mia and Ora posed in front of KFC's latest marketing ploy. The game console with a chicken warmer in it. The sign read: The last stop on the tour and coming to an online store near you! - AJ_Malaika2yrKommentiert
Ohh, this shared body thing is interesting, very Jekyll and Hyde. Just a note that the cane part felt really clunky. Like you mentioned the "excruciating pain" already so saying that it intensified was really necessary. Especially if it's only there to show now she's using the cane cause we already know from all the other times you've mentioned it. Even in the sentence, you mentioned she switched hands with the cane I think that would be enough, maybe mentioning her rubbing the owl softly to comfort herself. It'd be a cool contrast to Thomas (WHO I LOVE RIGHT NOW BTW) using it aggressively as a weapon from the base. Just a thought, sorry again for the essay. I'm trying to be a writer, so I ain't an expert I'd just love to have someone give me this kind of supportive feedback too :-)
Thomas didn't reply as he slowly allowed Nawa to return to retake control of her body. As Nawa returned to her body, she instantly noticed another patrol car pulling up and Markus putting Mike into the back of the new patrol car. However, she was instantly hit with excruciating pain within her right knee. It was always after Thomas returned to her mind and after using her body that she was grateful for her cane. Nawa closed her eyes, slowly as she switched her cane into her left hand as the pain became crippling, causing her to lean against it. Before Nawa could comprehend what was happening she felt herself being scooped up into a pair of strong arms. - AJ_Malaika2yrKommentiert
Love how this sets the scene. Easy to remember being curled in bed like that. Something of not though, maybe on edit try to find ways to replace/reduce the amount of "she" and "her" you have in the paragraph. It makes it feel slow, like a step by step instruction instead of a scene I'm watching through a window. Sometimes just adding an adjective and making the object the subject of the sentence instead of "her" really helps [img=recommend] Hope I don't come across as rude keep it up ;-)
The young girl asked herself as she curled into herself. The loud voices of her parents echoed through the vents into her room. Suddenly, she could hear the sounds of footsteps within her room. Her dark brown eyes scanned her nearly pitch black room, she could see nothing out of the ordinary. She wiped the tears from her eyes before laying back down, covering herself with her fluffy dragon blanket. Just as soon as the blanket covered her head, the sound of music could be heard, she quickly pulled the blanket back down. Her head slowly turned toward the direction of her shelf, whereupon the top was her old music box, given to her by her grandmother. The lid that was once closed was now open and the little star in the center was spinning, playing the haunting melody that she was so familiar with.