Overall, just scrap and redo this chapter in particular.

This would be fine if we were shown previously that MC and the girls are really struggling to make money and pay rent. Something to entice billion girl to want to reach out like this. It just comes off as either the reader missed an entire arc of development and now has to settle for scraps or that billion girl is looking down on those not like here.

Oh, so the she-that-was-a-he-but-maybe-not is that kind of rich.

Description. Feelings. Something. This isn’t a visual medium. It’s a written one.

Suspension of disbelief is so important. Except, I thought Rebe was a guy. At least vaguely described as such. Don’t remember, descriptions are vacant here.

Everyone is just teleporting. Without some semblance of marker for people and their locations plus the “white room syndrome” the flow is shattered.

Teleportation? How did she get here. Everyone was waiting and she just appears with nothing noting it?

MC would get whisked away so fast.

It’s like you’re adding more lines every chapter.

Bro wants beef with bikers.

No way. High schoolers are crazy, man. They really get to business. Especially these bully types, trying so hard to be “adult.”

Maybe I’ve been a little harsh as a reviewer…

Ew

That’s… not at all what manipulation is. Mind Control would be what is needed here. For something to be “mind manipulation” it would require, well, actually manipulating something. Not a direct order that complete overrides a sense of self and all reasoning skills to work but modifying the target’s sense of self and logical understanding of something. To assist; to mind manipulate them, MC would need to take the ideas; hurt MC, bully MC, kill MC and implant the feeling that those ideas should actually be: help MC, protect MC, serve MC. Over time (even a short one if MC is really good with words) the manipulation would work permanently instead of the temporary confusion they’d get to allow MC to escape.

A general recap works if it’s been about a chapter’s length of time so we can be refreshed on what happened in that character’s pov. It falls flat when it’s barely been a paragraph.

Somehow, a Mean Girl type thinking in repetitive, dull, and plain self-centred perceptions fits. Although it does feel too much like MC to be distinctly different

May as well. MC’s point of view was… it was writing.

Repetition is good for emphasis. It is not good for dialogue tags. We know he’s not talking, so there’s no need to tell us he isn’t talking.

If MC is narcoleptic, use the element in storytelling for more than just a shallow method to skip around time to avoid writing interactions and scene descriptions. It moves things along, sure, but tells us nothing about the characters, their lives, and how they fill their time. Not do we get reasons to hate or like characters. This locks you into a perpetual “white room” with cutouts of characters.

Don’t hold things back. You want exposure, you want recognition. Holding something hostage until you reach a goal only really works if you’re already popular and well established. When you’re starting out, knowingly flood images, snippets, and more to get people interested and wanting to know where it’s from.