Chapter 12 - Depression and anxiety

I already knew from the start that it is impossible to hide my situation forever and that someday one might know about it. Once it would happen, it would affect my school status especially my scholarship, and a lot of involvement and process would take place, making it very troublesome.

That is why in the first place, I had already prepared counter measures in order to keep it stay hidden.

Luckily my parents did not seem to bother and they haven't contacted with my school during these days, but a huge problem has been born out of it.

School activities that require the participation and presence of parents; my fear that a time like this would come has arrived.

Inside my classroom, we were done early with our 1st subject.

"Okay class, we still got time left from our homeroom. Let's discuss about the incoming PTC together with the distribution of cards and grades once this quarter has ended."

'THIS IS IT!' I kept my shocking reaction to myself due to the announcement.

I was starting to heat up and sweats were slowly dripping coming from my head, and at the same time have gotten extremely nervous to execute my plan on the actual scenario.

"Hey cuz, are you alright? That's quite a sweat you got there."

"Oh no, maybe bro Zaki got another cold and fever." Francis and Kenneth approached me unexpectedly.

What in the world---This isn't the time for these guys to meddle. I'm in a tight situation here. Go away from me Francis and Kenneth. Sho! Sho!~

"Naaah I'm fine."

"Oh yes his physically fine, but maybe not mentally. Look at his face and lips, they turned white. Did something happen?"

WHAT!?

Slowly breaking down due to that line coming from Kenneth, I secretly took out and looked at myself on my phone's front cam from below, and it was indeed true.

'Crap. It's because I was so nervous.' I again reacted in mind.

"You got a problem with your parents Hanzaki?"

Nani!?

"Uhhh... They're always busy. They always had places to go every time, he-he-he." With a nervous grin, I replied.

I then faked a smile towards them. But damn, that was so straight to the point.

"Hmm? Well, there is nothing we can do with that, cuz. I do live very far away and frequently my parents can't attend."

"Then how did you do able to handle it in the previous activities?" Francis asked.

"Luckily I got my Uncles and Aunts living near the school. My parents asked them to be my guardian."

"Hooo, Your uncles and aunts are saving grace bro Ken."

Feeling surprised, an idea has popped out of my mind from our conversation. My eyes were staring and focused at a point from thinking while listening to my friends.

"Hanuzuki!"

I just escaped from a close call, but now my homeroom teacher has called my presence.

Good grief, does he have a concern? I hope it is not something serious.

"Eh? Yes sir?" I approached Sir Roxas with curiosity at my side and while being anxious at the same time.

"I'd like to speak with your parents Hanuzuki."

The situation has reverted back real quickly, causing my jaw to drop due to it. The real challenge is now in front, but after hearing his request, I reactively made myself composed in front of my teacher.

"Hmmmm? What's wrong?"

"Uhh---"

"Hmmmm?"

"I---"

"What?"

"Uhh--- I---"

This isn't good. My calm state isn't going to hold out any longer, and sooner I'll be in trouble if I don't give him the right reply.

"Hmmmm"

Sir Roxas was staring suspiciously at me as I was not able to answer back quickly and have uttered unrecognizable words.

"Is there a problem with your parents?"

Why are these guys always straight on point?

Well… we're talking about the PTC so I shouldn't be surprise in the first place.

I sigh, calming myself in preparation to tell my reason, my fake reason.

"Uhmm…You see, sir. They are always kind a busy and I can't easily get a hold of their time. Sir, you might just as well tell me the specifics so I can tell them directly to the point about it."

"I see, the typical workaholic huh. Okay fine, it is about the funds for our classroom project. I wanted to discuss this part about them."

The teacher has taken out a document and is pointing at a certain part of it. Looking closely at the concern being addressed, I remembered them discussing about it sometime ago.

"So is it our share of the pay sir?"

"Yes, that's quite likely it."

I grin while my teacher was looking away, focused at the document he just took. Knowing that this kind of lucky turn arounds is in favor on me, I would be able to escape from this trial for this day.

"That is a no problem sir, just leave it to me!" I showed confidence to presume that my situation is just fine.

"I need a response as soon as possible Hanuzuki."

"Right"

Goodness, his giving me the pressure. Sir Roxas really seemed desperate.

Phew~ I dodged a lot of bullet over there and have successfully passed through the crucial moment, but I was feeling unsatisfied as I have come walking back to my seat.

It wasn't enough. I have to be more cautious of my situation, preparing lies and excuses to avoid the possibility of being discovered, and while I'm at it, I'll be enjoying the peace that I currently have and in which anytime it could just vanish away from me.

Even to my friends, I could not share my problems with them since I promised to myself when I ran away from home that this is my own way and resolve to handle personal matters; to do everything and rise up within my own strengths and capabilities, or otherwise I would never be able to overcome and face it when the day of ending the matter once and for all would come.

Despite the short scary moment during homeroom, the rest of the hours have gone well for me, and the bell has once again ringed at three.

Tsk. Even though with only just one announcement, it was on par on running a few kilometres to make me this exhausted, mentally exhausted. This was bound to happen-- since I was being so anxious about it.

"Oh man, I want to go back early." While silently complaining, I let out a sigh out of exhaustion.

Looking around in observing the gang, luckily they're busy chitchatting as always.

"Okay, this is my chance."

Quietly I stood up and have walked out of the room without having to look back at my friends.

The usual thing happens, from the fourth floor down to the exit gate.

My stomach then has growled when I got out of the campus, so I looked around and have seen a bakery at the opposite side. Spotting the delicious breads even from this far distance of mine, I start crossing the pedestrian lane to go over to the place and buy something to eat.

"Excuse me. Three cheese breads please"

After buying, I stayed in the place for a little while and had taken my time eating while sitting on a chair.

"Hey bros! Wait a minute, hey where is Zaki?"

Suddenly, I heard Francis' voice, and it made me wary of him since I might be forced to join in on their fun for today.

I'm tired and I want to go back early, so I hid and waited for them to leave while secretly taking a peek of them.

"Oh yeah. I think he lifted off early."

"Eh, he'll miss the fun today."

"Something's bugging him don't you think?" Kenneth and Romeo stared at each other, and Romeo nodded.

"Well, we'll just have to wait 'till he would openly tell us."

"Right! Well… let's go then"

They started moving away from their spot, and thankfully they didn't go at my way. I was kind of scared of the thought of being caught, not that I'm some thug or something. I just wanted some space, but their concerns are highly appreciated.

"Oh man. How lucky I got buddies like those idiots, hahaha."

When they have already gotten far away, I then stepped out of the shop to walk my way back while continuing to eat my bread.

It is difficult to find good guys like those, and yet here I am, knowing that they are a blessing, had took them for granted. It hasn't been half the school year since we got to know each other and have transferred to this school for the senior year.

"Have I really become this empty hearted? Well… with all those that happened, I really can't blame myself-----"

Out of the blue, the unfortunate memories of the past were flashing back inside my head, causing me to get a little emotional about it.

"Tsk, if only those idiots know how to be a good parent, then maybe things won't go this way. It was their fault, it's all of their---"

Putting the blame on them would be reasonable, but a bit of confusion hit me by remembering of my actions from before as well. I felt a bit guilty for some reason.

I was just a play-all-day kid back then and wasn't the same like the genius kids out there in the place.

Due to the fact that I have my own flaws and my level of competence was just average, mistakes were normally made from before. I was not naturally gifted.

I tried filling up what I was lacking, and it wasn't easy. I tried and tried, from one failure to another, yet it wasn't still good enough. It wasn't enough for them.

"Is it really their fault? Gah! Things like these make my brain explode." I scratched my head all over for being frustrated of the thoughts.

For all these years, I suffered from depression and anxiety.

From an early age, I had experienced and bear the unhealthy lifestyle inside my house that brought my whole self to a great change.

Being just a child back then, my energy as a youth was what helped me to neglect and not bother it, but the damage of what has been done had accumulated throughout the years.

Moreover, I just let what had happened before passed by my ears and eyes, but I could never forget of the feeling that I had during those times.

It slowly destroyed me in the inside, and sooner I became emotionally unstable.

Despite it, I continued my care-free life. When the routine of unmoral activities has built up, I continued to suffer from it repeatedly.

As I aged, I was slowly breaking apart and have lost every bit of my interest. It was the reason that made my mind to quickly mature.

But on the bright side, I continued to find my own way and path, and at the same time was hoping that someday I could release these emotions that I have been holding for so long.

And if that hopeless dream of mine would really come true, I could finally feel true freedom and live my life the way that I had wanted it to be.

As of now, I know that I'm still far away from it being to happen, so I'll just continue to live through the days with my current lifestyle for the meantime.

--*--

After that day ended, normal days and classes have gone by. I did my routine in the madam's farm and have given enough time for my studies.

It wasn't easy to balance the two. I needed to wake up early every day in which I had difficulty making up to it when I got used to the place.

I slowly got comfortable which made my usual behaviour at the house to come back, and because of it, I overslept in some of the days, making it very troublesome for my studies and work.

The procrastination, laziness, and suddenly becoming emotional, these were a hindrance to my lifestyle, but in the process, I managed to minimize all of it and have gotten more focused on my priorities.

Along with the days, time also has quickly flown by, and without having to notice it at first, it was already around November in the current year, 2016.

Inside the barn, I was cleaning the dirty properties together with Rosalie and Bob.

"It's already near Christmas don't you think Hanzaki?"

"Uh yeah it is."

"What are you saying? It is already near Christmas when the 'Ber' Months started."

Ber Months refers to months September to December. Bob sure is a trivial guy.

"Are you going home on the day Bob?"

"Oh yes it sure is, I know you're going to do the same Rosalie."

"You bet."

"Going home, Huh?"

I already forgot what the feeling was when going home. Was it that exciting?

"Did you say something Hanzaki?"

"Uh no, nothing."

Rosalie has scared me out while I was quietly trying to remember.

"Breaking News! According to military scouts, the rebels were spotted near Camp Philips, Bukidnon. The rebels seem to have made a hideout---"