10.

They say after your first, life will never be the same - but my life was already changing. By the time I had gotten to that point with him, I was already a different woman. I dressed more my age, I wore things for myself, not for others - and cheerleading was something I continued because I began taking a liking to it, not because I was trying to impress a guy.

I had done that already without even realising it.

And of course, it was an excuse to see him.

I lay on the couch waiting for Sam to get back from class. After our argument the night before, we decided that we needed a day out - like the old days, when we'd go on simple picnics or even shopping trips to get our minds off of school work. We needed it more than ever now. We decided on lunch in a restaurant near the college campus - I was already dressed in a jumper dress, since I thought I'd look nice for our first date in what seemed like forever. It was getting colder and colder as we neared December, and so I put tights on underneath for good measure.

I turned on the TV hoping to pass some time, and my thoughts immediately went back to that night with Theo, when he had confronted me about my sex life. I can still feel how my hands trembled beside my still body as I let him just get to me like that. He had mentioned me touching myself, and how he'd doubted I'd ever do such a thing. Did I not seem capable of giving myself pleasure? Would it even feel good, or would it just be weird?

My curiosity gets the best of me, as the next thing I knew my hand reflexively guided itself down my lower stomach, as if it had a mind of its own. My shaking fingers hooked into the simple cotton fabric of my panties, and I gasped when my pointer moved involuntarily over a sensitive spot. This felt so strange - but I felt good about it all the same. I continued my decent until my fingers positioned themselves comfortably over the area. I didn't know what was suppose to happen next, or how exactly I should move my hand, and so I just went with what seemed logical and began slow circular movements over my sex.

It was pure bliss. Although, the more I got into it, the more I noticed my lack of experience and knowledge, and so I could only imagine how good this would feel with someone else doing it, someone who knew what they were doing, who knew exactly how to-

Oh my god. I wasn't stupid to think I could give myself an orgasm on my first time, but this felt achingly good. Could it ever feel this good with Sam?

Sam. Pictures of his face flashed through my mind as my fingers sped up at the thought. I bit down on my lower lip as to suppress the quiet moans and whimpers that threatened to come. Suddenly, Sam's face is replaced with Theo's, and flashes of his lips, his eyes, his tall build and his tattoo appear in their wake. My fingers freeze over.

What the hell?

As if this wasn't bad enough already, I hear keys fumbling beyond the door and the lock turn. I quickly scramble to my feet and clean myself up, before greeting Sam at the entrance.

"Hey babe!" I say half out of breath, half too excitedly.

"You okay..?" He asks, with a funny look on his face, but then he smiles when he notices my outfit.

"Yeah, great! Why?"

"What were you doing?"

Oh no.

"Nothing? Just waiting for you," I simply state, hoping he wouldn't read much into my flustered expression.

"Oh, just thought I heard something before I came in, that's all," he continues to smile at me, and I mentally curse myself. Did he hear me? What did I just do?

I don't regret doing it, but I regret what it lead to. Sam possibly finding out about this makes me grow red with embarrassment even further, and Theo - annoying, stupid fucking Theo that would not leave my mind no matter how hard I try to forget him. But how could I - his eyes alone awakened something in me, a slow burning fire that grew more violent with every word he'd speak to me. I couldn't face him after what had just happened; I just pleasured myself, for the first time, and instead of thinking about my boyfriend whilst doing it, I lost myself in those damned eyes that I've grown to literally adore, so so much.

Sam and I drove to the restaurant, since he had been trying to persuade me to get my own licence ever since he got his the day of our high school graduation. He hated the idea of me walking everywhere - the distances were too short to cover by public transport, but the walks painfully long. I hated walking in the dark too, which I found myself doing almost every night lately. I was scared to start driving lessons, since I never thought I'd need a car for myself anyway - but I also had to stop being so dependant on Sam to drive me everywhere.

After our meal we decided on a short walk around the park - it was oddly a nice day given the fact that it was almost nearing Christmas. We walked hand in hand, something which we didn't usually do. Public affection was never Sam's thing, and so it never became my thing either. But then another couple walked by us, the guy's arm wrapped lovingly around his girlfriend's waist, and she yelped when he gently lowered his hand and gave her a tight

squeeze. How strange, to be that intimate in public. But I also found it sort of beautiful, how he wasn't scared to show the world that she was his, and he was hers.