Chapter 9 - What am I Doing Wrong?

I have always felt like I am not good enough and I must admit that I still feel that way sometimes. I have no idea why I am this emotional. I remember how I used to push myself to achieve stuff just to make other people happy and hear them boast about my achievements. But deep down I wasn’t happy. All I wanted was to be accepted and unfortunately that meant that I needed to pretend to be somebody that I am not. Someone everybody else wanted me to be. I constantly asked myself “What am I doing wrong?” I find myself still asking that question sometimes. The only difference now is that I am not asking because I want to impress people. But rather seeking God’s approval. And if God is happy with my actions, then I am happy too. People will always find something wrong with the things you do or say. But if you follow God’s guidance, you don’t have to go out there seeking everyone else’s approval.

Again I am not perfect. I have made so many mistakes in my life, and I still do. I still have so much to learn. But I must say that my life has changed so much in the past 5 years. I see all changes and adjustments as lessons, no matter how bad they seemed to be at the time. If it wasn’t for those experiences I would most definitely not be who I am today. Sometimes I feel like I am falling apart, and I cry myself to sleep. But most days I am a workaholic who can’t wait to see what the next day has in store. I still have days when I struggle to understand myself and all I want to do is cry. But I allow myself to experience those moments because how else am I going to become stronger if I just keep avoiding it? I am still learning to control my anger and how to shut my big mouth, but I must say that I love who and what I am becoming . . . more me than I have ever been. Self driven workaholic who loves being surrounded by nature and loved one’s, someone who loves the sweet sound of music that nature makes. Someone who appreciates the beauty in the way plants grow.

I have so many dreams that I want to achieve. But for now my main goal is getting myself somewhere so that I can help those in need and trying to make sure that the people I have in my life sees the beautiful soul I can be when I am myself. Seeking God’s approval is my top priority. I have this wonderful guy in my life who teaches me so many things every day. I can see in his eyes how much he loves me, and when I think about my future I see him standing right there by my side. Sometimes I feel like I am not showing him enough love, but then he comes along and makes me realize that I don’t need to prove my love to him every day. All he wants is to see me smile and to see me happy for the rest of his life. And I love him for that. I have been fighting to find love for the longest time. And ever since he came into my life I can really see the difference compared to all the other relationships that I have been in.

I don’t see those relationships as all bad. I see them as life lessons. Learning obstacles that I am willing to share with all young ladies that I come into contact with. People! Now I did not know what true love was until I met this man. So many people were against our relationship, but they don’t see how happy I am. I get that some of them don’t want me to get hurt, but I know this man will never hurt me. I wish you guys could experience his love. It feels like something out of this world. I have been praying for the longest time to experience this kind of love.

He doesn’t expect me to be anyone but myself. He accepts me for who I am. Takes his time to understand me. And refuses to give me space because he says that space is for aliens. He makes me laugh in the most unthinkable way. I can’t stop speaking about him because I want people out there to see that love is real. And I will try my best to give everyone advice on how to love and be loved.

Keep in mind that I am still learning though guys. . .