Chapter 7 - I Only Speak To My God . . .

I don’t understand how some people act all holy and stuff, but their actions don’t show it. I don’t understand how some people can tell you what is wrong and what not to do, but they do the exact thing that they tell you not to do. I don’t understand how people claim to be your friends, but as soon as you turn your back everyone knows your deepest secrets. There is a reason why I choose to no longer have friends, these days it’s hard to open up to people. You never know who is in for the long run and who is just there to bring you down. I have been hurt by so many people before, it just takes me forever to open up to people about my stuff now. One mistake I no longer make is tell people about my future plans. I tell people about what I do but I choose to leave out certain details, a lot of details to be exact.

I feel like the less people know about me, my future plans and what I do for a living the better. A wise friend once told me “people don’t have to know everything about you all they have to know is that you are fine”. I have learned that some people only ask you how you are doing to find out what is going on in your life, not because they care. But because they want to see if you haven’t failed yet. So many people my age are getting married and having babies, and want to know why I haven’t taken these huge steps in my life yet. I just feel like now is not the time yet. God still wants to show me so much and use me for something that requires me to not have too much on my plate.

I don’t dislike being around people. I just prefer staying away and not being in contact with people too much. Not that I am scared of what they think of me, but because I would rather avoid any type of drama. Let’s just say I love my space. It’s better for me to just stay away since I am still learning on how to keep my mouth shut when people say stuff about me or the people I care about. Ah I get frustrated when people don’t have respect for others, but the people I am surrounded by these lately have taught me that silence is the best medicine. And I am really seeing results.

I started this book because I wanted to avoid being around people too much for a while, then I started scrap booking, reading and drawing. I must say, that it is one of the best things that I have ever done, well besides putting God first. I feel happier, and when I can’t sleep I find myself doing one of these hobbies. I love who I am becoming. Yes I know that I am not perfect, but at least I don’t pretend. I feel like if the people you are surrounded by really love you then they should accept you for who you are. I feel like it is unfair towards anyone to feel the need to pretend to be someone they’re not.

My advice would be for you to be yourself and I know that it isn’t always easy. But try and find yourself first. I am 27 years old and only recently discovered who I really am. I feel great! Who would be able to tell that at 23 I would fall into depression? I got sick at work one day, and by sick I mean throwing up and blacking out in the toilets at work. I couldn’t understand what is happening. Eventually I had to ask my boyfriend at the time to fetch me because there is no way I would be able to get into a taxi. Bear in mind I was blacking out every half an hour. This guy tells me that he has better things to do, even after I told him that I am not well.

I then phone his cousin and ask him to pick me up, who then makes me wait for him at McDonalds for 3 hours. I was livid, not just because I hate being sick but also because I feel like everyone thought that I was faking it.