XLII ||| December 25th of 2020 (II)

From: P.BG

<pbg.prada@gmail.com >

To: A.LF

<alf.weeknd@gmail.com >

Sent: Friday, 25 Dec 2020, 03:50

Subject: Christmas

Merry Christmas, A.

I'm sorry, I'm out of it.

I'm a disaster, and I'm... not well.

It's not that I don't feel anything for you, because I think having a crush was inevitable, you've always sounded too good to be true to me, too perfect. Everything about you, was just too good. There was no way I wouldn't have a crush, that I wouldn't question myself if things could have happened between us had the circumstances been different.

But I can't have anything now. I can't have the luxury. It feels wrong to even consider anything when the one I loved the most ain't even here to give me her blessing anymore.

I'm sorry, but I don't think things can happen between us like this. Even if a part of me wants, I can't. I don't want to hurt you, so I prefer to not give you hope, it wouldn't be fair.

My maternal grandma passed away three weeks ago and my maternal grandpa passed away four months ago both to COVID, my paternal grandpa passed away seven months ago to COVID and my paternal grandma... my... My paternal grandma passed away five days ago to a lung cancer she only discovered three months ago in advanced stage and didn't even tell us anything, I had no idea and I... I should have held onto her better.

My 3rd and my 4th brother are in the hospital with COVID and breathing through machines, and both my parents are in the ICU also with COVID.

The only ones that are okay are my 1st and my 2nd brother, they had COVID but the types with no symptoms. All my four sisters-in-law are in the hospital with COVID too.

The worse part is that I've been alone in England this whole time, unable to reach them even for the funerals because the European country they are in has set a lockdown, so nobody can leave, nobody can enter. And I'm... fucking hell, I'm so scared.

I've never been so scared in my entire life.

I didn't do enough.

I didn't enjoy my grandparents enough.

I didn't enjoy my parents enough, they could die.

I didn't enjoy my siblings enough, they could die.

And I didn't get COVID.

I... I'm sorry, A.

If this had happened a year ago, maybe things would be different, but I can't have anything now. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I can't be so selfish, I can't be so mean, I can't do this, even if I regret it later, I'll regret it if I do it now.

You should try to find someone better than me.

Someone who will be totally available for you.

But I hope you know that you've been a light in my life for all those years. Right now, I need to be left in the darkness of my grieving, I'm sorry.

I hope you can forgive me.

I hope we can talk in the future, if there is one.

- P 🖤