Where It All Started

"Damn, I love the ending but now I don't have anything to watch" a disappointing part of watching a series; the ending. No matter how good it is or how well it was written, the fact that there's no "next episode" to tap on makes me feel sick.

Now what? back to Facebook? Back to reality. Back to the broke me. To the problems I am trying to solve and forget at the same time. Am I really solving any of these? Or am I just facing the repercussions of the doubts I subject myself in? 𝑰 𝒘𝒊𝒔𝒉 𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒔𝒘𝒆𝒓𝒔 𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒏; 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔 𝑰 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒏𝒐𝒘, 𝒕𝒆𝒏 𝒚𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒔 𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒓.

It was February of 2021...

Things are still vividly clear.

So, I turned to scrolling other people's lives. Stalking with their complete permissions. A power Mr. Zuckerberg has given to every Facebook account holder in this world. I'm seeing quite a lot. I'm entertained. My wasted time is not so wasted after all. I've seen smiles that are so genuine, they're contagious. I hope they do live on in real life too, not just in photos. Memes that makes my day no matter how baffling it is. Despair that one shares to everyone in the feed but never really shares it entirely. Some just love the attention the crowd gives them. Some tend to dip into sadness and gets trapped before knowing they are. I hate to break it, but these people are 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈 the pain. Poor creatures. I wish I could do more than just tapping and holding that LIKE button and sliding that held surface to the Sad faced emoji. 𝑶𝒏𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝑰'𝒗𝒆 𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒆𝒅 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒏 𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒅𝒐𝒏'𝒕 𝒈𝒆𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒓𝒖𝒏 𝒂𝒘𝒂𝒚 𝒇𝒓𝒐𝒎 𝒊𝒕. 𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒄𝒂𝒏'𝒕. 𝑰𝒕'𝒔 𝒂 𝒄𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒓𝒊𝒑𝒆𝒕𝒂𝒍 𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒄𝒆 𝒕𝒐𝒐 𝒔𝒕𝒓𝒐𝒏𝒈 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒅 𝒃𝒆 𝒓𝒖𝒏𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒊𝒏 𝒄𝒊𝒓𝒄𝒍𝒆𝒔 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒅 𝒃𝒆 𝒔𝒖𝒄𝒌𝒆𝒅 𝒓𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌 𝒂𝒕 𝒊𝒕 𝒊𝒏 𝒏𝒐 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆. 𝑺𝒐, 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒈𝒐𝒕𝒕𝒂 𝒇𝒂𝒄𝒆 𝒊𝒕. 𝑵𝒐 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒔𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖. 𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒓𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒄𝒆𝒔𝒔. 𝑬𝒂𝒔𝒊𝒆𝒓 𝒔𝒂𝒊𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒏 𝒅𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒊𝒕'𝒔 𝒂 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒄𝒆𝒔𝒔 𝑰 𝒘𝒊𝒔𝒉 𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒅 𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒆𝒅 𝒘𝒂𝒚 𝒃𝒆𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒆 𝒓𝒆𝒄𝒆𝒊𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒎𝒆𝒔𝒔𝒂𝒈𝒆.

"You are such a crybaby when you finish your series"

A reply to the MyDay I just made...

It's Ariel. A girl from my list of friends. Someone I knew so little about. Someone I had no initial interests with. Although she's pretty but I never really looked her up. I was too busy with life that I forgot that flirting was actually a word.

Months earlier, I happened to notice her reacting and commenting to some of my posts. Then lately, I felt a surge of interest. I felt that she's kinda into me or maybe we're just on the same channel. Dry Humor. Memes. I don't know.

"Any recommendations to fill in the void?"

I'm surprised I replied. I don't do this much often but yeah, for a change. I mean, what can go wrong with just a recommendation? Right?

𝑾𝒆'𝒍𝒍, 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒅 𝒃𝒆 𝒅𝒂𝒛𝒆𝒅, 𝒂𝒎𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒖𝒓.

So yeah, there I was. Indulged once again to a tv series recommended by a stranger. There were questions that lurked my mind. I know they'll be answered as long as I keep on watching but I was impatiently curious. I knew I had to so I chatted with her again. I got the spoilers I needed but the spoilers eventually turned to be just a side-topic. We started to talk about ourselves, how our day went, and have we eaten our meals yet. Hours passed, I felt the oblivion had slowly faded. We started cracking jokes and sending memes. She laughed more than she should. Her replies were more meaningful than the other. A wonderful start.

The next morning wasn't like any other morning. I woke up and checked my phone. It wasn't just an expired alarm that I failed to woke up to. It wasn't just notifications about people laughing at my funny posts on Facebook nor just some new posts from people I follow on Instagram. But I also woke up to her "Good morning" chat. Though I just knew her for hours, it felt different. The sensation of having a new friend from the opposite sex stimulated my imagination. My mornings were never been the same since then.

It was the day of Hearts. Social media was full of sweet messages, flowery surprises, and romantic dates. "𝐒𝐀𝐍𝐀 𝐀𝐋𝐋" a Filipino slang which means "I wish it's the same for everyone else" was my day's theme. Because aside from happy couples celebrating Valentine's Day together, there are those who still remembers the person who used to be with them on that special day; that hurts like freaking hell. There are those who actually is with the person they dear most but are treated lesser than they deserve, and there are those who are like me, who doesn't even know what to do. A thick air of awkwardness suppressed our conversations. I have to ask her out. No. It's silly. Too early. I might scare her away. And for the fear of messing everything up, I failed to ask her.

Hours, minutes, and seconds passed on the 14th of February 2021. We haven't had any sort of communication. This isn't within our norms but the feeling was so ticklish I had to step away.

I chatted her. A belated Valentine's day greeting on the dawn of the 15th. It was silly and stupid. It felt like charging to a war head-on against an unfamiliar foe. But to my surprise, I got an instant reply. She's still awake. And thank God I wasn't rejected. I wonder what kept her awake. 𝑊𝑎𝑠 𝑖𝑡 𝑠𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑡𝒉𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝐼 𝑐𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑𝑛'𝑡 𝑐𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝑙𝑒𝑠𝑠? 𝑂𝑟 𝑤𝑎𝑠 𝑖𝑡 𝑚𝑦 𝑎𝑏𝑠𝑒𝑛𝑐𝑒? Damn. That was the time I knew she's becoming someone in my life. Occupying a space I thought she wouldn't be a part of. Not in my wildest dreams. I was already creating scenarios when I knew I am not suppose to. It was just days but every second of it brimmed with good stuffs that it felt like years. Realization hits me, she's someone I wouldn't want to lose even just for a friend. But even though, I can't lie to myself. I wanted to us to be a lot more than that but I knew it was too early. Great things take time to flourish. So I asked her with full of innocence of how her day went. She answered she got a lot to do that day. She even forgot it was the day of hearts. Then, I apologized for not taking her to a date to remind her of how that day should be.

𝑷𝒍𝒂𝒊𝒏 𝒔𝒕𝒖𝒑𝒊𝒅, 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕'𝒔 𝒉𝒐𝒘 𝒎𝒚 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒌𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒆𝒏 𝒚𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒔 𝒂𝒈𝒐; 𝒊𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒑𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒏𝒕 𝒇𝒓𝒐𝒎 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒃𝒓𝒂𝒊𝒏.

She told me she was busy the whole day that even if I had asked, she would've still turned me down. I don't know if it's the truth or just a make-believe to lessen the guilt I have confessed to her. It was then a moment of awkwardness. A silence I know I should break but before I do...

"I liked you the moment I saw you come by months ago"

She murdered silence the best way possible.

𝑨𝒏𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒇𝒆𝒍𝒍 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒊𝒕? 𝑫𝒖𝒎𝒃-𝒄𝒖𝒏𝒕.

"It wasn't instant. If you'd ask me, I saw you came in and you were wearing this 𝑓𝑢𝑐𝑘 𝑦𝑜𝑢-𝑔𝑒𝑡 𝑙𝑜𝑠𝑡 face and I was like nope. no thanks"

"It was when you came by the counter and got your order and thanked me for it. You smiled at me. You sick bastard. That smile got me."

I don't know what to say. I was speechless in a whole new different level. So this was the reason for those post reacts and random comments. I am flattered.

Then, without further reasoning, I took my chances. I asked if we could meet. It was the longest 30seconds of my life as the three dots in Facebook Messenger bounced up and down as she typed her response.

𝑰 𝒄𝒂𝒏'𝒕 𝒇𝒂𝒄𝒆𝒑𝒂𝒍𝒎 𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒅𝒆𝒓.

"Yes. Sure, why not? My place. 4am. Tomorrow"

My heart skipped a bit as I read her response. I kept my cool while deep inside butterflies in my stomach couldn't fathom what's about to happen. And as the chill as,

"Sure, I'll be there" I responded.

We called it a day with heart reacts on both replies.

𝑭𝒖𝒏𝒏𝒚 𝒉𝒐𝒘 𝑰 𝒅𝒊𝒅𝒏'𝒕 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒆𝒅, 4𝒂𝒎. 𝑰𝒔𝒏'𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒂𝒏 𝒐𝒅𝒅 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒎𝒆𝒆𝒕? 𝑰 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒃𝒂𝒃𝒍𝒚 𝒘𝒐𝒏'𝒕 𝒃𝒆𝒄𝒂𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝑰'𝒅 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒆𝒙𝒑𝒍𝒂𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒂𝒘𝒂𝒚. 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒔𝒎𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒅𝒖𝒎𝒃 𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒔𝒂𝒎𝒆 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆. 𝑨𝒍𝒍 𝑰 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒇𝒊𝒏𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚 𝒎𝒆𝒆𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒉𝒆𝒓.

It was cold. I arrived at a 24-hour shop near her. I asked if she does want me to bring something for her? I don't know her that much yet. She said nothing. I insisted.

"Gatorade, I love it".

Gatorade it is.

0350h. I am ahead of schedule. This goes to show how excited I am to finally meet her but that didn't matter to me. A little show of vulnerability sure wouldn't hurt.

𝑹𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚? 𝑨𝒓𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒔𝒖𝒓𝒆 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒃𝒖𝒅?

I was right in front of her place. Dark. A street light was on, just enough to illuminate the place that I assume she would emerge. The coldness of the drink brought moisture to the paper bag I was carrying. It added up to the blow of morning breeze. I was an ice but all I could do was to wait for her to come out.

She lived in a white, concrete building with commercial spaces in front of it. I can tell by just looking at it that the owner is a businessman who only cared about his money. She lived there alone. She worked for the coffee shop inside that building.

I saw her emerging from the grey gate at the left most side of the building. I was right that she would come out on that very spot. Her long black hair shined as it was illuminated by the streetlight. Those loose Navy Blue sleeves really looked good on her. Those Mickey Mouse pajamas made her whole identity cuter. She's tall and slender but I'm taller by a few centimeters. She recognized me. I trembled but outside I stayed at peace. She was right in front of me. Just one "hi" and that one angelic smile.

𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒅 𝒇𝒆𝒍𝒍. 𝑫𝒂𝒎𝒏, 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒔𝒎𝒊𝒍𝒆.

We took a walk on a quiet empty street under the moon and the stars. She'd tell me anything that was going on about her work, her life, and her family. And I was just there lending an ear but my eyes, they were only there to capture her every angle. Every gaze she gave me. Every smile her eyes made. We'd end up in an empty park. So empty that we could own the entire park for ourselves. We'd stay sitting there just talking about life and some random funny things that made us laugh. We'd stay sitting there 'til people come and jog around the park. We'd make fun of the people by giving them funny lines and creating false conversations out of nowhere. Spontaneous things that I thought would mean no sense but when done in right moment, at the right time, would draw a fine line between dull and memorable ones. I love making her smile. Her eyes disappears as her rosy-pale cheeks adjusts to her perfect white smile. So I made a vow to the moon and the stars at that very moment, 𝐼 𝑤𝑖𝑙𝑙 𝑑𝑜 𝑤𝒉𝑎𝑡 𝐼 𝑐𝑎𝑛 𝑡𝑜 𝑚𝑎𝑘𝑒 𝑡𝒉𝑖𝑠 𝑔𝑖𝑟𝑙 𝒉𝑎𝑝𝑝𝑦.

After our first meeting, We became closer. We were inseparable online and real life. Sweet messages. Up-all-nights. Anyone could tell that there's already going on between us and it gets deeper every moment we indulge ourselves in. My visits became more frequent. We'd walk on the same street and end up on that same park again. We'd walk and walk. Talk and talk. We never ran out if things to talk about. She was someone I never thought I'd find online. Someone who I really like and gets me at the same time. What we are was merely like a dream.

"𝑫𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒎" 𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒆, 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒕𝒓𝒖𝒆.

I am the type of person that wouldn't confess what I feel to a girl I really like. Instead, I'd just make her feel it. I gave her the Sun in a long green stalk every chance I got not just because it wasn't visible at dawn, but also it was as beautiful as her. If it's not enough, then my warmth when the cold breeze attacks through my jackets and even my hugs. I sent her voice messages of songs she likes. Told her how beautiful she was everyday. Got her off the dangerous side of the street whenever we walk together. Opened up every door she's about to walk through. Brought her foods she loved to eat. I made sure she'd feel special every chance I get. I messed up most of my past relationships. I thought to myself, It's time I finally do things the right way.

One freezing dawn, on our way back from the empty park, we reached the grey gate where I usually drop her off. I hugged her to bid goodbye. She stopped and she stared at me.

I was like 𝐼 𝑎𝑚 𝑤𝒉𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝐼 𝑤𝑎𝑛𝑡 𝑡𝑜 𝑏𝑒. 𝐼 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒 𝑤𝒉𝑜 𝐼 𝒉𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝑏𝑒𝑐𝑜𝑚𝑒. 𝐼'𝑑 𝑔𝑖𝑣𝑒 𝑎𝑛𝑦𝑡𝒉𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑗𝑢𝑠𝑡 𝑡𝑜 𝑠𝑡𝑎𝑦 𝑡𝒉𝑖𝑠 𝑤𝑎𝑦, 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑎 𝑙𝑖𝑓𝑒𝑡𝑖𝑚𝑒.

𝑻𝒐𝒐 𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒍𝒚...

But wait, it gets better.

She kissed me.

𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝒎𝒐𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝒐𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒎𝒐𝒖𝒔𝒆𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒑

I kissed her back.

𝒉𝒂𝒔 𝒃𝒊𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒄𝒉𝒆𝒆𝒔𝒆, 𝒍𝒂𝒅𝒊𝒆𝒔 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒈𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒍𝒆𝒎𝒆𝒏.

She opened the grey gate and pulled me in as our lips never let any gap get through, and the rest was history.

Like a kid having a newly bought toy, we can't get enough of each other. I'd visit her same time or even earlier. She'd always be ready. All cleaned up as soon as I arrive. She'd welcome me with that same exact smile and I'd come in pulling a 𝑆𝑢𝑛𝑓𝑙𝑜𝑤𝑒𝑟 again out of nowhere. She'd smile and smell it. Then she gave me that look,

"You put on your perfume in here again, did you?"

She noticed. I didn't saw that coming. I just gave her a nod. She said I shouldn't. It would kill the flower. She had a point but I just wanted to leave a part of me in every Sunflower that I give her. She then grabs me for a tight hug and kisses everywhere in the face.

"I love you, Joe."

"I love you more, Ariel"

She'd get my stuff and put in a corner and drag me into her room. I've known this girl for just weeks but it felt like there were years that brought us to that exact moment. A unity of chain reactions brought by good and bad decisions we had made our lives that warped us in that exact bed. Brought me between those two long lovely arms. Sent those kisses to every corner of my heart. Everything was magical; unreal.

I wouldn't see the sun's rays but I'd hear my alarm go off. Then I'd realize, it's morning. I'd quickly get rid of it and see if it woke her up. I'd watch her sleep. Her face was a calm sea. Her eyelashes were the waves. I could stare at it the whole day but I have to get up, and get ready for work. Hence, I have to go home first. She'd wake up. Give me her tightest hugs and send me off by her sweetest kisses.

𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒇𝒂𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒔𝒕 𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒂 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒊𝒕 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒕𝒐𝒐 𝒈𝒐𝒐𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒃𝒆 𝒕𝒓𝒖𝒆 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝑰 𝒍𝒆𝒕 𝒎𝒚𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇 𝒃𝒆 𝒔𝒘𝒆𝒑𝒕 𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒑𝒍𝒆𝒕𝒆𝒍𝒚.

Until that night came...

[𝚃𝚘 𝚋𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚞𝚎𝚍]