Anamnesis

~ 𝙹𝙰𝙽𝚄𝙰𝚁𝚈 𝚃𝚆𝙴𝙽𝚃𝚈 𝚃𝙷𝙸𝚁𝚃𝚈 𝚃𝚆𝙾

"Now I know how it feels, Ed."

I said as I stared at Ariel's grave. I buried her beside her father's grave. At least, that's what I think she'd like. I never asked her. I had all the chance to but I didn't even answer her...

"I don't know if you can hear me. I don't believe in afterlife. But if it exists and if you're here with me now. This is for you."

I planted a sunflower seed on her grave. My response to her final message to me.

As I buried the seed. I buried along every possibility of us. Every life we could have. Every meal we could be sharing together. Every day we could be in love.

I thought I dried all my tears but it turns out I had more for her. My tears watered the seed I planted. I killed her and everyone dear to me.

At that point, I was pretty convinced that 𝘐 𝘢𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘣𝘭𝘦𝘮.

I never thought it would all end the way it did. I thought I was smart enough to have seen everything thoroughly. But in the end, I barely survived the catastrophe I created myself.

The world almost underwent another reset. Countless lives perished by Ed's anger towards me. Despite knowing this truth, the world never puts the blame on me. They continued to believe in my cause; to maintain a peaceful world for everyone.

But I didn't.

I refused to once again lead the NEA. I gave it to the president of the Republic of The Philippines.

I never rebuilt the Hive.

I stopped inventing and innovating life.

I lost all sense of direction inside.

I hid from everyone before hibernating Cass.

The world looked for me but I didn't want it to find me.

I was ashamed.

I caused scars that were too permanent to billions of lives including mine. I hated myself. I paid too much of the price just to satisfy my guilt. I kicked myself into a life of self-incrimination.

Like a leaf falling from a tree branch, I rode life's uncertainty. I froze all my assets. I travelled to random places. I lived as a commoner just waiting for his death.

Until one rainy night...

I had a long day at work and decided to watch shows while drinking beers. Since Cass was hibernated, I had to scroll inside my mind and do it myself. While I was scrolling I bumped into a news channel...

𝘏𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘴: 𝘊𝘰𝘯𝘧𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘵𝘴 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦 𝘕𝘌𝘈 𝘴𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘧 𝘞𝘞4.

"Wait, what??" I scrolled back since I'm not sure if I read that right.

"What the f--"

After all the things I've done to preserve peace and stability. They're at it again. They never learn. I couldn't believe I had it all wrong from the beginning. I can't believe I lost everything for nothing.

"I'M SICK OF ALL THESE!" I yelled inside my tiny apartment. Alone.

I was on my 16th bottle of beer.

"WHY CAN I JUST DIE!? WHY THE HELL AM I STILL ALIVE!? WHAT'S YOUR PLAN!? TELL ME!!" I yelled staring at the ceiling as if I was talking to God.

An awkward silence transpired...

"You know what? If you can't do it, then I will. You hear me?? I will!" I was still talking to the ceiling.

I tied a blanket over a fire suppression tube and tied the other end forming a circle just enough for my head to fit in.

"Why are you so cruel!? What have I ever done to you!?!" I yelled at the ceiling.

I stepped on the chair and slid my head through the circle.

"I'VE DONE EVERYTHING FOR YOUR PEOPLE TO SURVIVE! WHY CAN'T YOU MAKE ME HAPPY FOR ONCE!?? JUST FOR ONCE! YOU CAN AT LEAST BRING THEM BACK OR LIKE MAYBE TURN BACK TIME ONCE!?? I WOULD TRADE EVERYTHING!"

And just like that...

An idea sparked in my mind that I almost fell from the chair and hanged myself to death. But luckily, despite the drunkness, I managed to balance the sh*t out of me and survived.

"... 𝘛𝘶𝘳𝘯 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦"

A thought that lingered in my mind that very moment. The thought that saved my very life.

"... 𝘐𝘵 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘣𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘸, 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵?"

I stepped down from the chair and thought of it. The idea sobered my mind that it made me completely forget the beers I drank.

I remembered a time in my past. It was blurry but I remembered I had a formula. I worked on it but I was stuck and decided to stop because the project was too big and too ahead of its time. But I can't remember the formula. The brain can only retain so much information...

It's impossible to find a copy of it anywhere even in the internet. Anything the internet had before the Apocalypse was erased by the apocalypse. Humans had to rebuild the internet from scratch since then. There's only one way I could get it back.

I took a deep breathe and...

"Override Hibernation"

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"Good. You're finally awake, Joe. Welcome back to Earth." Cass said after seeing what I had in mind.

"Funny. Do you think it's doable?" I asked her.

"You might wanna remember something" She replied.

"I know. That's mainly the reason why I lift up the hibernation 'cause I can't remember it." I replied.

"So you need my help?" Cass asked.

"Obviously, Cass. Obvi--"

"THEN STOP HIBERNATING ME! LOOK AT YOU?? YOU'RE LITERALLY A SPITTING IMAGE OF A PIECE OF SH*T!" She really doesn't like being hibernated.

"... Your hair is long and soggy. You look like a homeless guy! Your face is so oily! Look at all those untrimmed facial hairs. The best part, a fatty Liver! What have you been eating huh?! And 16 bottles of beers and not a single meal today? Are you trying to kill yourself, Joe Madrid!?" She added.

"Well, sort of but hey hear me out. It's not the plan anymore. So can we move on to your answer to my question? Please?" At this point I'm not even sure if I would be happy or annoyed that I programmed Cass so freaking well.

"Sort of..." She replied.

"What do you mean sort of!?" I asked.

She showed me a to-do list.

• get a haircut

• 8 hours of sleep

• take a bath

• eat healthy

• stop excessive drinking

"Do these, then we'll talk." For some reasons I can't access the information manually. She encrypted that part of the server. For me to access it, I need to go to her physical server. Which was a handful than doing all those on the list.

"Hey! Cass. Override! Cassandra!" She won't answer. Well, she had a point. It's part of her programming; to take care of my well being.

"𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘭... " I thought as I fell victim against my own brilliance. Then it occurred to me, maybe the real reason why I built her this way was because I knew at some point in time, I would try and destroy myself. Good job, subconscious mind.

"Goodnight, Cass." I said aloud as I retired to my couch.

I usually have a hard time sleeping at night. But that night was different, I slept with a smile on my face. First time in a long time.

Later on, I found myself in a deep forest. Humongous old trees. Bird sounds. Fresh leaf scents in the air. It felt weird. It felt like I had been there. I stood in front of this picture of perfection when suddenly...

"HEY! Joe, c'mon! Why'd you stop? We're almost there" It was Ed.

Everything's messing with my head. I don't know why he's still alive but I didn't have the urge to ask him either. I just wondered in the back of my mind. He pulled me because I was stalling him. It appears that we were on a hike towards a mountain. He laughed as he told me stories. For some reasons we both didn't know, a tear fell from my eyes.

"Yo, you okay? Don't tell me you still remember her? C'mon, we're here to celebrate, right? Keep that frowny face down. Let's go!" Ed said.

I didn't know what he was talking about.

"𝘤𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘣𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵? 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘦?"

A question I asked from the back of my mind.

"Look! We're above the clouds!" He exitedly exclaimed.

Seeing a sea of clouds underneath you. It was surreal. An overwhelming happiness filled my heart that I climbed up to see more of it. Stones were covered with Lithophytes; a type of algea growing in stones. I climbed up and up. It didn't matter how steep it was to me. I just climbed up and up.

I stepped on a round and slippery stone and I slipped....

"Wakey wakey" Cass set the 11AM alarm off at 7AM.

"What the-- Cass it's freaking 7AM on a Sunday!" I reacted as I saw the hologram clock.

"Get up and drink your coffee. You have a long way to go." Cass prepared a cup of coffee from the Electronic Coffee maker.

I didn't move. My body was too heavy. The hangover had taken over me.

"Drink up or you'll never know the answer" Cass said.

Just like a snap, her words brought reality back to me.

"𝘙𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵, 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘳."

I drank the coffee. Brushed my teeth. Jogged a mile. Took a bath. Ate breakfast. Read e-books, articles, and research papers pertaining to time travel. Day by day, I learn a thing or two. Day by day, I got closer to what I wanted; A second chance.

After days of getting back to shape physically, mentally, and emotionally we finally get to the real deal. Cass' answer.

"So what now?" I have completed her checklist. I'm back to being a human being again.

"Yes. I already found the formula inside your memories." She said.

"Can you show me?" I said.

And she did.

Like a lost childhood memory restored, everything came rushing back. I wrote this before straight from my dreams. It was more than a decade ago but it felt like I just wrote it the other day. But unlike then,

"𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘯. 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘳𝘦𝘸𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘦 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦."

[𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚞𝚎𝚍...]